Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Nappy changes

92 replies

Noodlee · 21/07/2022 09:36

My daughter is 4, will be 5 in October and starting school this year. She still wears nappies to bed. We are talk about and have a few books about topics such as underpants rules and privates, all very age appropriate of course. She knows she has 5 people who can help her with things such as toilet, changing, nappies, bath/shower etc. These are myself, her dad, my sister, my mum and her dad's mum. She stayed over at my sisters about a week ago and she mentioned last night that my daughters partner put her nappy on. They both know about my boundaries on this and how I feel about it. So I casually messaged them yesterday and he has come back saying he is extremely offended and calling me sexist. I don't feel it is his place to call me sexist, I don't agree with things about his parenting but it's not my place to say this to him. And it's also not like it's new information, he knows how I feel about it and has always been understandable and respectful of it. Am I being unreasonable with feeling annoyed at his response and feeling it was uncalled for.

OP posts:

ouch321 · 24/07/2022 01:23

So they were doing you a favour looking after your kid and then you imply that he's been 'up to something'...
That's pretty crappy of you.
If it were me that would be the last time I babysit for you.

Goldencarp · 24/07/2022 01:27

If you don’t trust him then it would be best to not let her stay there!

NuffSaidSam · 24/07/2022 01:40

It's not that I don't trust him, it's just that it makes me uncomfortable. Just like it would with my dad, my nanna and grandad and many others, I just think it's unnecessary and her privacy should be respected. We were at a play date the other day, her friend stripped naked to play in the sprinklers and my daughter kept her pants on, it was just myself and the other mum. Its not that i think anything of the other mum, just once again, feel it is unnecessary and privacy should be respected. So it is not just a male thing, but it is more so males and I think that it understandable.

You're right that her boundaries and privacy should be respected. But it's important that it's HER boundaries and these aren't her boundaries are they? They're yours. You've told her who can and can't help. Maybe she's fine with him helping, but doesn't want your mum getting involved, but she has to live by your list....that's not teaching the message you think it is.

If she didn't want to take her pants off in the sprinkler then absolutely that's what happens. You telling her she can't/shouldn't isn't respecting HER boundaries it's just making her body conscious and uncomfortable.

mathanxiety · 24/07/2022 04:22

YYY to your comments, @NuffSaidSam .

OP I think you need to work on your anxiety. It is getting in the way of sound judgement of what is best for your daughter. You are conflating your comfort level with what Is best for your child.

Your child is on the cusp of joining a wider community and you may not be able to allow her to fully participate in it if you don't address your anxiety.

JustHarriet · 24/07/2022 06:02

OP, YANBU, you trusted your sister to look after your daughter and she didn't respect your perfectly reasonable boundary, so what do you do? You do not leave your daughter unsupervised with your sister again. Catch up all together and but no more sleepovers.

Facts about boundaries. 1) It's not a boundary if there isn't a consequence.
2) Other people are entitled to disregard our boundaries and 3) if they do so, the onus is on us to avoid going into a situation with that person where they can cross the boundary again. Sometimes that is going to be inconvenient but if you're not willing to change your behaviour to hold a boundary, then see point 1.

There's no point discussing it any further with your sister or her boyfriend, who weirdly feels entitled to have close, intimate contact with your daughter's private parts and doesn't respect your boundaries, and by extension has demonstrated that he doesn't respect boundaries to do with how he interacts with your daughter. Red flag.

Minesril · 24/07/2022 06:21

As most sexual abusers are men, other men do have to be whiter than white. It's not fair, but it's a fact of life and decent men are aware of this. Of course he shouldn't be changing her, not because you suspect him of anything but because of the above.

On a different note, my DS was in dry nights until he was 5.5. Why on earth are people still wittering 'she should be dry by now' when it's down to hormones? And how do nappies versus pull ups possibly have an effect on hormones? I thought we'd moved past such nonsense.

Pancakeorcrepe · 24/07/2022 06:30

Your poor daughter, you are passing on to her the weight of all your anxieties and OCD.

allboysherebutme · 24/07/2022 06:42

I would not like it either, it's not I don't trust my sisters husband
But I just don't think its appropriate unless they do it in a professional capacity. X

steff13 · 24/07/2022 07:15

ForTheLoveOfSleep · 21/07/2022 10:57

I would question why you let your daughter stay there overnight at all if there is an adult in the home you don't fully trust.

Exactly. That rule is illogical and isn't keeping her safe. And if she was in a pull-up she could change herself.

TFMinx · 24/07/2022 07:24

Without wish to sound rude, may I ask if you are going to change your five person rule for when she starts school? Children who have been dry during the day for years still wet themselves occasionally at school; who will be allowed to change her? If she has a male reception teacher or teaching assistant, will you ban them from helping her? It's not really practical.

AllyCatTown · 24/07/2022 07:28

I’m surprised at the responses as I usually see MN as being really strict with boundaries.

I also disagree that you have to be comfortable with personal private care being given to your child from all people who take care of your child.

NCHammer2022 · 24/07/2022 07:32

I can understand why you weren’t comfortable with your sister’s boyfriend changing your DD’s nappy, but also that’s why I probably wouldn’t be comfortable with her staying there overnight in the first place. Anyone I trust to look after my child overnight is someone I’d trust to help with their toileting.

Perfect28 · 24/07/2022 07:37

Can't she wear pull ups she can put on herself?

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 24/07/2022 07:37

If your daughter is NT, I think it's quite degrading to have a nappy 'changed' at that age. I would persist with the move to pull-ups. Tbh I can understand why your sister's partner would be upset, whether you mean to or not, it sounds like you are accusing him of having nefarious intent. He is a parent as well and likely thought, the child needs something, so I'll sort it, just as he would for his own child. My husband would do the same and doesn't think of our or any other child's characteristics, if a job needs doing and the child doesn't object to him helping them, the job gets done.

jammiewhammie65 · 24/07/2022 07:39

If your not comfortable with the partner doing everything with your daughter then you shouldn't be leaving her there ! Also at four nobody should be helping she should use pull ups and do it herself.

SleepingStandingUp · 24/07/2022 18:46

Noodlee · 23/07/2022 23:49

Completely agree.

I'm not sure how to handle the situation now. Like 1. My boundaries were the ones crossed. 2. I wasn't made aware of this. And 3. When I brought it up in a non argumentative way, he is being OTT about not new information, playing the victim and calling names!

If they aren't able to facilitate your rules, they should decline childcare. Obv the answer here is to not use your sister again for sleepovers.

He's just going to have to be left to get over his strop. He's taken it as"you don't trust me to not abuse her" and I can't see why HE'S taken it that way, but it's up to your if you want to explain to him why

keiley7899 · 22/08/2022 22:24

Tbh I do think it’s a bit unreasonable as if you didn’t trust her Boyfriend then why have your daughter there ? Where does your daughter have her nappy done ? And how does she feel about it.

i see nothing wrong with normal nappies at all, I am currently doing foster care for a 4 year old and he bedwets so I put a normal nappy on him before bed.

Flip

1 2 3 4