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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nappy changes

92 replies

Noodlee · 21/07/2022 09:36

My daughter is 4, will be 5 in October and starting school this year. She still wears nappies to bed. We are talk about and have a few books about topics such as underpants rules and privates, all very age appropriate of course. She knows she has 5 people who can help her with things such as toilet, changing, nappies, bath/shower etc. These are myself, her dad, my sister, my mum and her dad's mum. She stayed over at my sisters about a week ago and she mentioned last night that my daughters partner put her nappy on. They both know about my boundaries on this and how I feel about it. So I casually messaged them yesterday and he has come back saying he is extremely offended and calling me sexist. I don't feel it is his place to call me sexist, I don't agree with things about his parenting but it's not my place to say this to him. And it's also not like it's new information, he knows how I feel about it and has always been understandable and respectful of it. Am I being unreasonable with feeling annoyed at his response and feeling it was uncalled for.

OP posts:
Original poster
Noodlee · 21/07/2022 11:20

Also a huge thank you to those who have given helpful advice in looking at the 5 people rule and explaining alternatives that might work better. I really appreciate this. She is my only child and my whole world so I am still learning so I appreciate the advice 💗

OP posts:
HuffleWoof · 21/07/2022 11:34

@Noodlee I think you'll need to find other baby sitters as I can guarantee they won't have her back after you accusing them of inappropriate behaviour around changing her nappy. I know I wouldn't

bellinisurge · 21/07/2022 11:36

Always trust your instincts. Always let your child know that you listen to them.
Should be absolutely no big deal for your sister to respect your boundaries and the ones you have in place on your daughter's behalf until she is old enough to set and articulate her own.

Discovereads · 21/07/2022 11:39

Thank you for the lovely posts OP. I just want to say that I don’t think your 5 person rule and boundaries werent good, they were. It’s just that your DC has now outgrown them. So if your DD gets a baby sibling, don’t feel pressured to do anything different when they are preschool age. Parenting is a journey of shifting boundaries as your DC grow up and mature. You are constantly balancing protection vs freedom/independence. Just when you think you have parenting down, they get a bit older and you have to adapt. I just want to reassure you that this is perfectly normal and just because it’s time for a change, doesn’t mean what you used to do was bad/poor parenting.

DoNotGetADog · 21/07/2022 11:49

I think you would be much better getting her used to pull-ups, despite what you have said.

Most children of school age are dry at night, and although it happens when it happens, and plenty are not, I would have thought you would want to try to encourage her to not be weeing in nappies any more.

Surely by putting on a nappy that an adult has to do for her, and she presumably also couldn’t take off herself, you are making it more or less impossible that she could ever wake up, feel she needs the loo and then just go to the loo herself and then go back to bed.

As things are she has to wee in the nappy really. How long do you plan for this to continue? How will she progress out of it?

GoAround · 21/07/2022 12:54

I know you said she’s not as keen on pull ups but eventually she will start to be able to be dry at night (producing enough of the hormone) and if she is in a nappy that she can’t put on/take off herself then you’re not giving her the chance to get up and go to the loo should she wake overnight or first thing and need it urgently. She’s also getting older, and in line with your views on boundaries and privacy, toileting should be mostly independent at this age. And it would stop awkward situations like this one from arising in the first place. She might get on better with the pyjama pants as they are designed for older kids than the potty training pull ups so they could be worth a try.

Albgo · 21/07/2022 12:58

TempName01 · 21/07/2022 11:01

I don’t really agree with PP, I don’t think your sister’s boyfriend should be changing nappies, dressing or bathing her, it’s not because you suspect him of anything it’s just better to avoid any males having unnecessary intimate access to your DD. It’s not sexist, it’s a fact that most sexual abuse is by males.

@TempName01 yup. Exactly this.

buckingmad · 21/07/2022 12:59

I find it weird that you don't want him changing her nappy but trust him enough to have her overnight?

5zeds · 21/07/2022 13:06

Of course it’s not unreasonable to say your child’s uncle can’t get her changed.😮 It’s utterly bog standard boundaries and he shouldn’t be overstepping them. Tell your sister her male partner is not allowed to change your child. It’s not all about him it’s about keeping your child safe from men who might take advantage of her blurred boundaries. From a child’s point of view uncle, neighbour, teacher, coach, man at the park, friends dad/uncle/big brother may all appear the same sort of relationship. Her REAL uncle should be modelling appropriate interactions so she recognises that when someone else crosses a line he’s NOT ok. Good men respect boundaries and support safe behaviour. He’s misunderstood the situation.

bellinisurge · 21/07/2022 13:07

Perhaps the op didn't feel there was an issue until she learned that the partner is removing her child's nappy and, presumably touching her nappy area to clean her up

bluesky45 · 21/07/2022 13:10

I would think he you aren't happy for him to change her nappy then why is she staying over there? I wouldn't want my kids staying over anywhere where there was a person I didn't want changing their nappy living. Can she not wear pull ups then she can do it herself? My Ds (3) wears pull ups to bed and can get them on himself, or with minimal help making sure they are on properly to prevent leaks.

bellinisurge · 21/07/2022 13:13

Again, guessing the op assumed her sister would gate keep access to her child properly

courgettigreensadwater · 21/07/2022 13:16

hangrylady · 21/07/2022 11:05

You either trust him or you don't. Like a PP said at nearly 5 your DD could put a pull up on herself.

This

courgettigreensadwater · 21/07/2022 13:18

Although it seems she is of an age where she shouldn't be having pull ups or nappies any more.

Cadot · 21/07/2022 13:19

YANBU. He shouldn't have done this and your wishes should have been respected. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for protecting your DD.

RaisinGhost · 21/07/2022 13:21

Not sure about this. The boundary makes sense. However I can see it from the sister and her partners perspective. They were babysitting to do you a favour, I'm sure he especially would have preferred to be doing some thing else but they agree. He helps out once with a nappy change, presumably because there was some issue/emergency and your sister was busy. Now he is getting told off.

RaisinGhost · 21/07/2022 13:23

I would say if she can't toilet herself and this is an issue for you, no more sleepovers anywhere for now.

StClare101 · 21/07/2022 13:25

Both my kids were late to train at night and we finally found normal day pull-ups that worked better than the night ones. They took them on and off themselves and also wiped themselves with wet wipes in the morning before putting undies on.

I wouldn’t/won’t let them stay anywhere that I’m not comfortable with both adults.

TidyDancer · 21/07/2022 13:29

I think you've blurred the lines here by allowing your DD to stay overnight with her aunt and uncle but putting this rule in place. You either trust them or you don't. And it's fine not to trust them for whatever reason, but be consistent. I'm not surprised they've reacted to you.

emmathedilemma · 21/07/2022 13:29

Jessbow · 21/07/2022 10:30

Ditch the list.

Give her pull ups, she's big enough to do it herself

This!!

Carrieonmywaywardsun · 21/07/2022 13:35

If you're leaving your child in the care of someone else, you need to trust everyone involved in that care to do personal things like toileting and dressing. If you don't trust someone enough to change her nappy or you don't want them to for whatever reason then you probably shouldn't let them keep her alive and safe while you're not there.

RedRobyn2021 · 21/07/2022 13:44

IMO you are ANBU

She is your child, you have told your sister your boundary and she has betrayed your trust by allowing her partner to break that boundary.

Honestly I would be very cross

And to the other posters, you may not agree with the OPs parenting choices, but that's not the point. The point is she made it clear what her boundary was and her sister and this man decided to break it.

NannyR · 21/07/2022 13:49

I would persevere with the pull ups and maybe try a different brand. At that age she should really be getting herself ready for bed independently, not lying down and having someone put a nappy on her.

Tellmewhyaintnothinbutaheartbreak · 21/07/2022 13:51

You need to get her pull ups and she needs to do it herself

zingally · 21/07/2022 13:51

I do think you're being rather OTT about this. All this talk about privates being private etc etc, while it comes from a good/safe place, I think you're taking it too far and making too big of a deal over it. It's going to end up potentially giving her the message that things like nakedness, toileting, and my proxy - her own body - is something shameful and to be kept hidden.

There's a fine line between protection and a free for all. But I think you've crossed too far into worry and concern.