Can I ask about your adult autistic kids?

[withthelococ]

If you have autistic children in their 20's can I ask how independent are your children? How affected by their autism do you think they are? Have they ever been in a relationship/have friends?

My DC in his teens and high-functioning (if that is the right word) but struggles with social contact and making friends. I I just wonder what his future could look like.

I actually can't believe I'm writing this given where we were 18 months ago but he's now left home, has a good job he loves and a gorgeous girlfriend, nice friends etc.

2 years ago he was suicidal, taking way too many illegal drugs, hanging round with bad lads and unemployable. He was also really really ill with a mystery illness (vomiting constantly and really bad kidney pain) which turned out to be a severe intolerant to cannabis (Google cannaboid hypermesis syndrome

www.uhs.nhs.uk/Media/UHS-website-2019/Patientinformation/Emergency-medicine/Cannabinoid-hyperemesis-syndrome-CHS-2506-PIL.pdf)

So despite everything - his autism/ADHD and being severely bullied at school, by his dad too and falling in with the wrong crowd he's turned it all around and I'm immensely proud of him.

Can I contribute as an autistic person in my 20s?
So, I've not yet been in a longterm relationship, although my sibling (also autistic) is. I've dated but not clicked with anyone yet. I have a few close friends, most of them are neurodivergent in some way. Some autistic people are happy without friends though.
I'm doing a degree at a top university, and I've worked. Currently not doing either, and living with my parents, due to ill health, but that's unrelated to the autism. Neither are prerequisites to a "successful" life, as I'm sure you'll know, but it does make life easier as disability benefits aren't really adequate to live on. I've had some quite difficult times with my mental health, and being autistic still isn't easy, but I'm fairly happy with my life.

Amazing first post ❤️ You must feel like a weight has lifted!

My son works, earns a decent wage and has friends and a girlfriend. I'm encouraging him to save for a deposit to buy. He has ASD and mild learning disabilities.

Mine is now 30, left home for the first time for work at 19 but it didn't go well. He was very socially isolated and he ended up physically and emotionally unwell and coming back home for a job closer to home. The job he came home for, and the extra time at home gave him the tools and the wings he needed so when the employer he left home for in the first place offered him a job with a lot more responsibility he was able to take it and this time he has flown.

He has been away from home for 4 years now, socially he still comes home (a three hour drive) to see his friends but he does have some friends in his new area too. His work is very niche and he is very talented at what he does and he is making a name for himself in his field although his line of work doesn't have fantastic rewards from a financial POV. He is now talking about buying a narrow boat to live on. He has no romantic relationship and has only ever had two in his life but he is happy, his mates and his colleagues 'get' who he is.

My adult son with ASD is less high functioning. He lives in a residential care home and receives Employment Support Allowance and Personal Independence Payments. He has made friends with the other young adults he lives with and with the support workers, they all seem to love him. He has hobbies, such as sailing, walking, horse riding and swimming. He meets new people at those. There was a young woman who was very keen on him when he was in his late teens and early 20s. They met at college. He was not independent enough to sustain a relationship though. I took the 2 of them out to afternoon tea & the like & she came to his 21st birthday party.

My son, now 33. Wasn't diagnosed until he was 16+. Never had any help or 'treatment' but because we were coping, it was thought we would always cope. CAMHS couldn't have been less interested.
He went to uni, got a degree in languages which he loved doing, but no job. Got his licence for coaches, but very little empathy from any employer. But he was rarely out of work. Retrained early 2020 as HGV driver, then pandemic. He was out of work for about 6 months but now has regular job, has passed his probation and is financially settled.....as far as I know. He knows I worry so he tends not to tell me about things. Has his own house due to legacy from elderly aunt. Seems to cope, but few (if any) close friends, and because he is outwardly OK can easily be taken advantage of, I fear. From grammar school educated, uni etc my younger self would have hoped that he'd be more aspirational than a lorry driver, but with my maturity find that he is relatively happy, independent, performing a useful role in life and loves his cat, so lots of things to be thankful for.

My son is now 19. He left school at 13 due to mental health issues and threats to take his life.
He went to college and is now starting university in September and will be living on campus. He also has a part time job in a shop.

I'd love to know this too for my dd10, wonder snag her future will look like she's high functioning but struggles hugely with social communication issues.

Not quite adult dd but she suddenly turned a corner. Sorted out work experience, got a summer job, started clearing her room out. She's an amazing girl (though she refers to herself as a theybie) Her behaviour is rarely disruptive to us, she's just so down on herself and finds simple things traumatic.

I'm autistic I'm in my 30s.
I moved out at 19, I have two children (both autistic!) and been with my DH for 15 years. My DH does help me a fair bit (nearly set the kitchen on fire the other day!) - but I'm doing very well. I love my independence.

I'm sure your child will surprise you, I surprised myself (and my parents who thought I'd never leave home!) and my children also surprise me.

My DS is high functioning in some ways but he is still quite young for his age - 27
He can drive he passed his test at 20 but took him 4 Ines and he went through 3 clutches 😂

He has always had a job from McDonald’s at 15 years old to where he is now where he is in security /loss adjuster and while the wage isn’t brilliant @ 30k he likes it because their is lots of overtime if he wants it and he gets really good holiday allowance

He also has his SIA badge since he was 18 and has worked at loads of the big festivals Glastonbury Reading V Festival and even spent a summer with his friends in Ibiza working on the doors of one of the big superclubs

He been on holiday with his partner
and as a kid he travelled loads with me all over the place

He will also often do 2 weekends a month working on the doors which he likes as he’s pretty sociable .
He is still friends with his old school friends and still sees them

He is well known in our city through his door work and Is always being asked if he can work as he is known for being very reliable and hard working .

He was when he was younger ( teens ) easy to take advantage of - but it would only happen once and he learned from it

He’s been in a relationship for about 3 years and they seem pretty happy

He is just about to buy his first home

When he was a kid I struggled to imagine what he would do - probably grow up like Johnny Bravo 😂😂

i think he picked the right work for himself
as it’s often repetitive stuff which he finds easy to deal
And not much paperwork which he would struggle with .

negative - fucking messy - will shave and leave the shavings everywhere
i don’t go in his bedroom the door stays shut what I can’t see I can’t scream about
but when I’ve gone on holiday the house is always kept tidy - so I am not sure on this

his partner is neat and tidy so I think they will both have their own way of living with each other

Several of my adult children are neurodiverse, but the one I had the lowest expectations of in childhood was my son, now 28, who was classically autistic, couldn't be kept safe in mainstream school, and was educated in an alternative setting and then a special needs college. I was sure he'd be able to manage some sort of work but didn't think he'd be able to live unsupported.

He has massively exceeded my expectations. He lives independently, his flat is gleaming, he's an adventurous cook, and he takes "adulting" in his stride. He's found his niche in hospitality work and has a tremendous work ethic. He has lots of interests, is working towards getting the academic qualifications needed for university, and is very sociable.

The flip side is that he has deep depressive episodes from time to time and when this happens he needs a tremendous amount of emotional support. I don't think he'd cope with the give and take of a relationship or the relentlessness of being a parent, but he may yet surprise me again.

This thread is making me want too cry. Thank you for starting it. Had a difficult day with DS and wondering how he will cope with school never mind adulting. So pleased to hear about these young people living full lives.

DS is nearly 24, still living at home but saving up a deposit for a house, he works in a typically autistic field that we always knew that he would.

Fifteen years ago he was on the verge of being excluded from primary school as they could not manage him, he was obsessed with knives and fire and I feared for him. He has come a long way.

@ZiggysTarbrush that's lovely 🧡

Lovely to hear these experiences. I am particularly interested if anyone has experiences of regressive autism? We had this around 20months in DD (now 3yo). Daunted by many reports linking regressive autism to being the most severe (I know, i need to step away from Google…)

My daughter is in her late 20s. Her teen years were an absolute nightmare and I worried so much about her and her future. But now she's a fully qualified teacher, has her own flat which she shares with her boyfriend and lots of cats. She still struggles with spending, food, and socialising. Sometimes work overwelms her but her boss and colleagues are kind and supportive. I still get the occassional meltdown phonecalls but over all she's doing ok and I'm very proud of her.

Lovely to read all of these positive experiences ❤️

Thank you for starting this thread op.

I have a 13 year old girl with HFA, she struggles to even brush her own hair, it's nice to hear of many working, off to uni et.

Im autistic and have adhd. I met DH at University in THE most autistic way I think of. We were at a party, everyone was loud and drunk. Me? Sat on the sofa with my headphones blocking out the noise, happily playing on my Nintendo DS.

I turned around and said to this boy I had never met the nerdiest thing possible “look, I have over 100 lives” 😂

I remember he just looked at me and smiled. And we became good friends and then fell in love and got married!

I always studied STEM subjects so I was in class with like minded and probably other autistic people too. I have always had friends and thankfully wasn’t bullied in school.

I have been in trouble in my teen years but Autistic people need “special interests” and I remember a policeman cautioned a friend of mine. That moment I realised “ok, I need a new special interest that’ll take me away from this life”….

Self awareness is key. Moderating gaming time during teen years and choosing education that meets your “special interest” is the best way to create a good life for yourself. Enjoying JOMO (joy of missing out) instead of feeling FOMO is also key.

after every social event, even just a drink out - I need a full day afterwards to recover from all the sensory and mental overload.

Stimming helps us relax.

DH isn’t autistic and nor are my children. But they all know “mummy doesn’t like certain things” and everyone works well to make my life comfortable and easy (and happy!)

But whoever set Google to play Radio 1 on volume 10 this morning at 6:45am is in trouble 🥴 sensory overload 🤣

Think positively OP! Encourage a special interest (not a person…) and see where it takes him xx

I was told my two eldest sons would never leave home. Now one is a married nuclear chemist and the other is a department head in a private school in Bangkok!
They still have their struggles especially socially and with sensory issues but they have learned coping techniques and are very self aware. They are both very idiosyncratic, but that's just fine. They have a small number of close friends who accept them for who they are. Both have found a niche.
My youngest is almost 20. He is still selectively mute, struggles socially, has many sensory issues, has difficulty regulating emotions, has dreadful anxiety etc but he has had a lovely girlfriend for the last three years, manages to attend college and is slowly developing ways of coping and becoming more aware of triggers. Ho copes so much better now than even a couple of years ago. He will get there in his own time.
Try not to worry too much, I am sure your DS will find his way.

Mine is amost24.
he was very troubled and vulnerable as a teenager, eating disorders, self harm, sever depression, suicidal thoughts. Went away to uni first time and I knew he wasnt ready and he couldn’t cope at all. Took an overdose, was back by the end of the first term, BUt didn’t come home and instead moved in with his boyfriend who he had got together with earlier that year.

5 years on… they have moved out of our home town, he’s almost finished his degree that he restarted in a new city, he works full time, has loads of friends, and he’s getting married next year!

Autistic here. All of the use of functioning labels in this thread reminded me of a great quote:

”’High functioning’ is used to deny support. ‘Low functioning’ is used to deny agency.”

Please reconsider your use of functioning labels. They are widely rejected by the autistic community because they contribute to stigma and they tell you very little about the individual. I know that people use them as a shorthand, but a person’s level of “functioning” can be so varied/changeable that a label is basically meaningless. It also leads to assumptions and expectations (or a lack of expectations) that are solely based on the label and not the individual in question.

The same person who has a degree and a well-paid job could also be minimally speaking and have difficulties with personal care, for example. Would they count as “high” or “low functioning”? It is fine to just say autistic. If it is necessary to be more specific then describe the individual and the kind of support they require. Functioning labels help nobody.