Can I ask about your adult autistic kids?

[withthelococ]

If you have autistic children in their 20's can I ask how independent are your children? How affected by their autism do you think they are? Have they ever been in a relationship/have friends?

My DC in his teens and high-functioning (if that is the right word) but struggles with social contact and making friends. I I just wonder what his future could look like.

Dd1 is 19. She is fairly independent to a limit. She has a full time job, just passed her driving test and goes to the gym on her own. She can also cook and prepare her food if needed and prepared in advance.
Friends are all ASD and she is considered to be what they all want to grow to be (they are all younger). She knows she struggles with friends and gets upset about it. For us it's not a problem, we do loads as a a family and we have lots of family friends.
She doesn't drink, do drugs, hasn't got a boyfriend and think we are years away from moving out.
But she will get there

Well said @mutationseagull - the use of functioning labels implies a scale when any fule kno it's a spectrum. So-called HFA always reminds me of "the good AIDS" from the 1980's (as opposed to "the bad AIDS" that you got from being a gay man). Showing my age....

Thanks for starting this thread OP - my DS (autistic, ADHD, dyspraxia, SPD and PDA) worries me daily.

My sister has Autism, she's 27. She would never be able to live independently but I honestly think it's because my parents haven't fostered her life skills. They have molly coddled her (as the youngest) and this has hindered her sense of self and maturity. I'd say her mental age is a decade younger than her actual age.

She has just started a new part time job in retail, I couldn't be prouder! She doesn't have any friends, never been on a date let alone have a relationship, but I'm hoping the job will be really good for her. She's amazing, and hilarious, she deserves to have friends.

My DH also has autism, he has a job he likes, he has friends (but little interest in seeing them...) he's a wonderful person and husband- he has limitations with some executive function (planning, organising) so I take the responsibility of a few things but you wouldn't 'know' he was autistic, unless he starts talking to you at great length about something ..

My friend is 42, she has autism. She met her first boyfriend aged 38, they're very happy together, she's always worked (high level creative industry) and is very happy.

Without wanting to cause offence, in my head I sort of label my sister as having 'severe' autism, and my husband and friend 'mild'.

No two people with autism are the same, and I recognise many traits in myself!

@LoveLimesoda
I don’t “have autism”, I am autistic. When you say someone “has autism”, it sounds like they have a disease.

Language shapes perceptions, which in this case contributes to stigma and affects how autistic people are treated. A recent academic paper: link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10803-020-04858-w

I’m not sure if that link works so I’m trying again: bit.ly/3vcVlQL

Mine's in his thirties and has lived independently with support workers going in since leaving his special needs college at 20; happily he's doing brilliantly, despite the occasional issue - mainly around having to change the support agency because the last one was appalling

The context is that I have no family at all to step in and everything has to be planned in case I "go under a bus", so independence for him was a must (or at least as much as is possible)
Overall he's now doing things now which I would never have thought possible, and with the superb new staff "can't" isn't a word ever heard

I’m the adult. I’m married and have a daughter of my own. I own my home. I have an excellent career and am a respected expert in my field. I do perfectly fine in mainstream society.

In my 20s I functioned better then I do now, in my 40s. Sorry. Nothing is the same and people are constantly changing.

Self care is a bit of an issue for all three of mine. Things like getting a haircut or buying new shoes even though the old ones are quite literally falling to bits.
Washing is still a challenge for the youngest one, he just doesn't see the point. His girlfriend insists he showers every 2 or 3 days and they clean their teeth together to make sure he does it!
The stress of day to day life definitely takes its toll on them and means that they mostly spend their weekends and down time recovering and resetting. But the older two are thriving in very responsible jobs and the youngest is improving in his ability to cope.

This is lovely to read. My autistic Ds is 8 and starting at Sen school is September. He is also dyspraxic and several years behind academically so we are happy he is leaving mainstream and I hope the new school will encourage his independence more (he has been babied a bit in the mainstream one). I worry about his future all the time.

DS is 20 and at Oxbridge study linguistics - language patterns! We've had some rough times but he get there eventually.

It's so interesting - my sister despises saying she 'is autistic' and much prefers to say she 'has autism'.

My husband has the same opinion, he says autism isn't 'him' - it's just a part of him and so prefers that language.

Dd is 31. Holds down a good steady job and is secure and independent. Very happy spending his time online gaming. Eats badly (mostly) and does no exercise but gradually improving when faced with facts (eg toothache - expensive dental treatment- gave up fizzy drinks overnight). It's not the life I hoped or wanted for my precious firstborn but actually it's okay

daffodil56 brilliantly well done for getting your DS into a special school; I know only too well that it's not easy

Also know what you mean about him being "babied" at his mainstream one (and maybe even at home if you're anything like me?). The whole point about specialist places is that they push and push (or should) towards independence, to the point where you'll think "They're doing what?? He can't do that!!" only to find he can

It’s such a wide spectrum. One person’s experiences won’t really help, but I guess you’re getting a variety here.

My DS2 is 22. He stayed in education until lockdown age 20 but hasn’t managed to find a job since then. His obsession is quizzes, he’s pretty good but not incredible and won’t make a living from it. He hasn’t had any friends since primary school. He’s capable of looking after himself and I can leave him for a couple of nights on his own. He’ll do a microwave ready meal or get a takeaway but can’t really cook for himself.

He currently gets PIP - will do until 26. Not sure if he’ll get it next time. I’m divorced and it’s just me and DS2 at home. I could really do with him getting a job, but he’s very happy at home - first time in years, secondary school and college were a struggle, he’d get very anxious. Lockdown was a dream for him! It has meant it’s got harder to get him out of his comfort zone though.

Interesting to see, as always, some autistic pps claiming to represent the opinions of the entire autistic community.

Lots of positive stories here OP. I remember on another thread someone commenting that what you see as a good future (friends, marriage, well-paid employment) may not be what your autistic child wants - so not to assume their choices are wrong even if they may seem odd or undesirable to you - as long as they seem to achieve a reasonable level of peace and contentment.

Similar to Ziggy. Mine is now in his 30s. We had a time of it from his teens. Discovered drugs and booze.Got into uni, didn’t work out.Online gf in another country, who he was going to marry. Discovered prescription drugs. Attempted suicide.Didn’t work. Lost his PIP. New gf (very malign influence on him) moved out 🎉 Got a ha house and dogs. Covid. Gf fucked off taking a dog. Got a job. Made redundant. Got busted for growing weed.Got another job. New gf. Seems happy. (Though has fallen down the gender rabbit hole. Announced he was trans, down graded to nb) Still drinks and smokes too much. But much happier.

"High functioning’ is used to deny support. ‘Low functioning’ is used to deny agency.”

I love how you've put this I'm not in the UK, it's very hard here to get any support if your DC diagnosis says ASD level 1, whereas level 2 & 3 you're automatically accepted into the support system. My DC are all Autistic. I've spoken to them about how the diagnostic system puts a level on you, but that the level doesn't mean anything. I discussed the levels to explain to my 'level 1' DS so they'd understand it would take longer to find support for them. My supposedly most 'functional' child is the one who urgently needs support currently.

Have/has autism

Am/is autistic

Individual choice just as diabetic/have diabetes is.

The bigger issue surrounding language is people trying to police what others are comfortable with.

My son is 20 he has autism and learning disabilities, I would say he is low functioning, he will never work or live independently.

2 eldest ND kids complete opposites. Both in their 30s. Eldest found his niche later in life and has a good job he enjoys, has a house, getting married.

Younger in and out of jobs, married young, 2 small children both ND, still needs a lot of parental support both practical and emotional.

Still way better than the nightmare we envisioned when they were small.

So I'm very high functioning autistic (and I like being able to label myself as high functioning, it's useful for me) and my main advice for young HF autistic people would be to pursue education/ a career that plays to your strengths and allows you to be around like-minded people who will accept you for who you are. As you get older, you will learn more strategies for masking, but beyond the energy of your teens and 20s, the energy you have to mask will decline and you will be increasingly at risk of burnout (in my experience). My own diagnosis came in my 30s when I just couldn't sustain the masking at work in the same way I did in my 20s and my mental health really suffered. It didn't help that I had chosen a career where keeping up appearances was often more important than the quality and output of work.

Another poster has already mentioned STEM and I think that's a good way to go to find nerdy people who are accepting of autism. Likewise IT and also academia, I know lots of people in these areas who I would say are undiagnosed HFA but manage to get by.

I'm an autistic adult, been living independently since 16, almost married, holding up a pretty brilliant career. I find day-to-day household management difficult but I'm getting better at it. I only wfh and otherwise I probably wouldn't have my career to be honest but that can vary person by person. Overall I'm doing well but yes autism does play a part in my life.

Oh and I've never been in a relationship with a neurotypical!

DB (27) is autistic and is very independent. He has a degree and works in IT with a good salary. Admittedly up until now he has had some difficulty holding down jobs as he struggles to relate to others and often percieves authority figures to be combative. His current employer seem to understand him a lot better and he has been there a few years now. He has struggled with housemates for the same reason.
No long term relationships but plenty of friends, mostly from sports teams. He has also done lots of solo travel.