Can I ask about your adult autistic kids?

[withthelococ]

If you have autistic children in their 20's can I ask how independent are your children? How affected by their autism do you think they are? Have they ever been in a relationship/have friends?

My DC in his teens and high-functioning (if that is the right word) but struggles with social contact and making friends. I I just wonder what his future could look like.

My dd was diagnosed at 22 at Lorna Wing. Sadly she finds the bit about "playing to her strengths" unhelpful as she doesn't think she has any. If I tell her them well, I'm her mum and am biased. And she is almost consumed by her perceived non strengths. She's 27 now, Russell Uni degree in MFL but crippled by anxiety, limited socialisation and has not yet had paid work. Hopefully that might get resolved soon. She has great sense of humour, fun to be with, self awareness but as I say of her perceived negatives

Anyway, can anyone say what the differences are between the three diagnoses? Classical autism etc?

Oh yeah my dd is definitely brutally honest - often with me

My son late 20s. Hasn't had a relationship since he was 19. He struggles to approach partners and when he does he is Hardwork.

Career wise he is doing really well. He has some friends but he doesn't socialise much preferring to be with older people as a rule.

He doesn't drink so doesn't see the point in going out so yes he has his struggles but he's in a much better place than he was 10 yrs ago

I am autistic and married with 3 children I can do everything for me and them.

My eldest is autistic and has a learning disability he will need lifetime help. My middle child is autistic and will be fully independent from what we can see.

Many autistic people work and live independently.

More and more people are finding out they are autistic as adults as it was not recognised when we were younger those who already have jobs, houses, children.

@tobee technically they don't exist as subcategories any more. The most recent DSM merged them into one single diagnosis ie autistic spectrum disorder/ASD. Many autistic people don't like the term ASD, preferring ASC (condition rather than disorder).

Previously Asperger's was used as a label for "high-functioning" autism, less "serious" with no or limited language or development delays. "classic" (like my DS) meant that the person was deemed "severely autistic" i.e. autistic traits in all 3 cognitive areas that could be impacted: speech, behaviour and interaction. PDD-NOS stands for "pervasive development disorder - not otherwise specified" and I think that was a catch-all for everything else.

Nowadays you can only be "autistic" or not. But that hasn't been without controversy either - you can see from the different types of autistic person described in this thread that there is a vast array of experiences and abilities (for want of a better word). I suspect that's why clinicians insist on using the outdated terms (leading people like me to blunder into a bunch of angry autism advocates by using the "wrong" description!) To those in favour of the new categorisation, any qualifier belittles their difficulties. Classic/low-functioning = you're thick: high-functioning = you don't need any support or adjustments. Neither of which is likely to be accurate more than about 1% of the time.

I don't tend to get upset about terms people use. Like it's not offensive especially if they are talking about themselves, family who are happy about the terms used.

And in life things seem to change all the time. We don't know what the majority would prefer to be called in 10 years time.

Noone ever asked me what terms I prefer.

Dd is at university, not plain sailing, dropped out once. Tried living at home attending but now lives at university so far so good. She has a weekly counselling session at the university in term time and the halls manager keeps an eye (they encouraged her to see them weekly too) I go over monthly to make sure as much as I can that all is ok

Oh and dd has a boyfriend, prone to obsessive behaviour so usually end in disaster

placemarking (as too tired to post tonight)

Exactly this. No two people are the same, autistic or not. We all have different preferences. Also, why "is autistic" but "has ADHD"?

On the OP's question - I'm an autistic adult. I have a degree, work in a job with a high proportion of autistic colleagues, live independently, 3DC (1 NT, 2 ND), married for 20 years, now divorced, and overall very happy.

One teen DC will need more support getting to the stage of being independent. But as every, the progress and change year on year never ceases to amaze me. There are still ups and downs (for all of us), but ASD doesn't have to be a barrier to jobs, independent living, loving relationship. It might just be a different journey than an NT child would have.

Thank you @Deguster

My son turns 20 this year.

He was diagnosed with low functioning autism however I disagree with this as once in the right support he because quite high functioning, got a grade 9 in Maths GCSE taken a year early etc.

He lives at home and is likely to for the foreseeable future as he has many struggles still. However he is mostly independent in that he’s working, he manages his own finances with some advice and support, he self cares, he can make a meal, use the washing machine etc. I can go away for a weekend and know he will be fine at home alone with some prep work to prepare him.

When he was a teenager I had visions that he would never be able to be independent, that he would never be able to function in a social setting, it used to terrify me as his needs were so high. But I was wrong and he has blossomed and done so well, far exceeded our expectations and 2 months ago he walked me down the aisle at my wedding in front of 50 people when he once wouldn’t even enter a room with more than 3 people. I couldn’t be prouder of him.

Forgot to answer your other questions. He has never been in a relationship, he has declared himself asexual and says he has no interest. I suspect he simply doesn’t understand the social concept of a relationship or why someone would want that. He also has 2 friends only that are also autistic and so they have what they would call friendship and others would call acquaintances I guess but he’s happy with that.

It makes me quite depressed reading of how other people’s ASD DC are doing so well. Not that I’m not delighted for them as I understand the struggles they face, but feeling that I’ve massively let my DS down and have gone very wrong somewhere.

My 20 year old DS was not diagnosed formally until 17 when he had developed quite severe MH issues, despite having a full assessment when he was 11 where we were told he didn’t meet the criteria for an ASD diagnosis. He had been diagnosed with severe learning difficulties at that time but I’ve always questioned whether it was the ASD preventing him from learning, at least academically.

He is very capable in terms of basic looking after himself (although won’t brush his hair!) and learns very quickly if it’s something that interests him but can’t manage money, appointments, cooking etc. He had no friends and hasn’t since he was at primary school. He was very happy and sociable until secondary. Never had a girlfriend.

He was in mainstream school until age 15 with no EHCP. (fought for 3 years to get one with no support from school), been through 4 different SEN educational provisions since then but made no progress, no qualifications, no way he’s engaged enough to work at the minute. Last College kicked him out due to self harming and lack of engagement and he’s spent the last year almost in his bedroom playing his PlayStation.

I found him an excellent ASD SEMH residential college last year after an exhaustive search but after initially saying they could meet his needs, they now don’t want him either due to his learning levels and our SEND tribunal has been pushed from June (when it should have taken place, booked since February) to December! No other support in place apart from 2 afternoons a week going for a walk with a support worker which is extremely stressful getting him out of bed for. Been on the list for MH therapy since last September!

I’m so worried about him. It’s horrendous to see him laying in bed all day (up all night) refusing to leave the house. He is a a lovely lad and deserves so much better. The situation we’re in now was my worst nightmare when he was younger.

He has an NT twin brother who has had the same friendship group for many years, numerous girlfriends, is at Uni, works part time, is living life and it’s just such a stark contrast from his poor twin brother who at the moment looks like he’ll never lead any semblance of a ‘normal’ life.

Interested in any ideas from other parents of ASD young adults.

My DD10 is exactly the same.

Can I contribute as a 50yo with autism (not diagnosed until I was 45)?
Looking back I was incredibly vulnerable but left home at 18 with a baby. Yes I struggled take friends, still do, but can't say I was ever particularly lonely.
Unfortunately I've had a few.partners over the years that took advantage of my vulnerability and I lived through domestic violence. But I'm now a Mum and Grandma and I don't hate my life.

The one thing I really wish is that my parents had looked out for me more and helped me realise that my relationships were abusive. I don't understand romantic love very well and thought that the warning signs were normal behaviour. So please just watch out for those signs on behalf of your adult autistic child.

We encourage our graduates to let us know if they are asd and require any adjustments or support. Otherwise the workplace can be challenging for some graduates who have had understanding and supportive lecturers to then suddenly enter the workplace where expectations around communication, cooperation and professional behaviour is higher.

One of the things her diagnosis has given DD is the freedom to be exactly who she is and not feel the need to conform. She knows she's different and embraces it.

(I was mentioned this to another mum the other day and she said "but aren't girls meant to be really good at masking, can't she just mask?" I had to explain that would actually not be good for her!)

In terms of future careers, she's wanted to work in video game development for a couple of years now, and whilst it's not a field I really know much about, it certainly seems like a field that might suit her. She's got the most extraordinary imagination. Makes up her own entire worlds and populates them with her own creatures.

DS2 is autistic with ADHD. He was in lowest sets in Primary school - couldn't even write his name aged 7. He struggled very severly socially until he was about 16, but made friends in 6th form.

He's now 20, at a top uni, doing a humanities subject and getting high 2.1 or 1st scores. He has successfully flat-shared and at the end of this year had two friendship groups both pressuring him to share with them. I was very relieved to see he turns out to be quite sensible with money and hasn't got behind with rent.

After eating the identical same food every day for about eight years he gradually started to experiment with tastes and textures ( I never stopped offering options: NT children willl try something after having it offered about 20 times, ND children needd 200 or more. With Ds it was truly about 2000 times before he was willing to try a new food) Now one of his hobbies is to try new and strange food and drink.

He has lots of friends. He goes on holiday in Uk with one set of friends and in Europe with another.

He doesn't yet have a girlfriend, but someone he had a date with recently wants a second date so maybe that will happen. He hasn't managed to find a normal job yet but has done freelance work for a couple of firms, good work experience, and has his own way of making money selling his niche interest stuff online.

In addition he has some minor but noticable physical diversity/disabilities which unfortunately probably put off some employers and many girls. But he is already learning to overcome the self-hatred he had over these and is meeting people who don't care.

He still suffers from anxiety and depression but nowhere near the extremes some PP have said. And his inability to sort out a job is more ADHD related. I get frustrated sometimes that he's never had a job when all his friends have been working in shops and cafes since they were 16, but then I remind myself how well he is doing, living independently, great friends, great uni grades and doing so much work on his self esteem, as well as loads of voluntary work. I really admire him for how he lives his life.

Autistic and adhd lady here aged 42, diagnosed at 38. At 16 I joined the Royal Navy and worked as a meteorologist, air traffic controller and intelligence analyst. This isn’t a brag- I was always good at my job because I had structured routine, but I struggled with the social side, as in keeping friends, blurting, stiimming being misinterpreted and meltdowns meant I lost respect and trust from people. He’ll be fine as long as everyone around him understands he just processes information differently and sensory overload will cause alarming behaviour.
I left the RN after 14 years and struggled without the structure after, but found my feet in nursing (wish I was good at something more glamorous!) he just needs to find his passion and he’ll be fine.
Btw I got a log in to mumsnet just to reply to you, as it means a lot to me that he has a lovely understanding mother xxxx all the best.

ps. People are more likely to find fault with autistic people- even though neuro typical people arnt bloody perfect either. Don’t worry x

My sister has a PHD, loves independently and is happy and content in herself. Just landed an ace job in a new city. So proud of her.

Autistic adult here. 29, recently married to a VERY neurotypical man. I adore him, we laugh so much at our differences. Also selectively mute.

I am poor around the household generally and timekeeping but I can get by- I bought my house alone at 24 and lived alone for a year deliberately to prove I could do it. No major disasters though I am a but spendier than I’d like to be.

DH moved in after that year was up. We pay a cleaner to stop him shouldering the burden of my tiredness/shortcomings though he does sometimes have to step up and cook dinner at short notice when I am tired!

Have a degree from an uber competitive top uni (2.2 mainly due to lack of support) and now have a high flying career in investment banking, where I am open about my ASD and it’s seen as a positive. Promoted every other year for the last 6 and I bloody love it!

Have a small but loyal group of friends, several hobbies and this year we got a cat who I am completely obsessed with m- he brings endless joy.

I am happy, I am happy being autistic. I wasn’t diagnosed til 24 but I had a sense if being different and my life is beyond my younger self’s wildest dreams.

Is this when a child appears to develop normally and then they kind of go back? Because this happened to my daughter, who is now 16. She seemed to be developing normally until the age of two but then literally on her second birthday, she changed. She started really struggling to eat, became extremely fussy and would refuse almost everything I gave her. To me a good day was when she'd eaten a meal. Then at three, she stopped feeding herself, for around two years and then she got that back but had difficulty holding a knife and fork. She was diagnosed ASD at age eleven and ADHD at fourteen.

My DS tried to live independently for a few years, and even went abroad for work experience, but found it a struggle. He is not good at managing his finances and has had a few meltdowns that led to him loosing various job over the years.

Now he is back home but has a steady job in a field he loves and is earning a good wage. He still gets frustrated and sometimes depressed which can lead to self-medication that I don't really approve of, but now he has passed the teenage years we have decided that alcohol is a far worse evil for him than the calming alternative. He is an adult so what he does with his own time and money is not really my business.

DS doesn't have many friends, but he is popular with the girls so has never really had an issue with close relationships. I think growing up with a DS helped. He is very quiet, softely spoken and respectful (unless in one of his meltdowns) so tends to attract those that want to mother him. Being in a relationship is definitely the best thing for him.

I also have ASD. I now WFH part-time (computer-based work) and very rarely go out and when I do, it is to familiar places. I find going out causes me a lot of anxiety and these days seems to cause my stomach to churn which makes it even more difficult. I went out to dinner at a close friend's house at the weekend but then I spent the following two days in bed as it was so draining. Luckily working from home means that I can get by without constantly calling in sick like I used to so nobody knows.

These days I can work online, shop online, chat online and generally do most things without leaving my room which is perfect for me. I don't want a close relationship anymore so that is not a problem. I do like to see my friends, but I only go if it is somewhere familiar. Sometimes my anxiety gets the better of me and I have to cancel at the last minute which I always feel bad about but I have now learned not to make promises I may not be able to keep.