To ask if you have had a relationship with a man previously accused of abuse either emotionally or physically that turned out to not be abusive to you?

[Askingadviceagain]

Started dating a new guy around a year ago. No signs of abuse so far although his ex did accuse him of emotional abuse. He has admitted to me that they were both unkind when splitting up and he regrets it and has worked on himself.

Just wondering how many people have had a relationship with someone previously accused of abuse that turned out to be a nice partner?

My radar is a bit off as I have had a few of these partners now (accused) and eventually I have always seen what the ex wife had issues with.

I'm hoping this one is different. Any experience like this?

Sadly, I've met a couple.

MH issues in both cases.

Have you considered a 'right to ask' Claire's law application?

You’ve not met a guy who hasn’t abused women? Where do you date - prisons?

😀however I think with OLD it may mean statisically the chances of meeting an abusive person is higher. Abusive men/women are likely to have more relationships as fear being alone and need adoration but they will also have more breakups due to their behaviour.

So yes, getting older means the pool of non abusive men is smaller and I don't believe any adult changes abusive ways because it is usually as a result of low or no empathy.

Op, has something triggered your intuition..if so listen. You don't need hard proof, trust your experience and instincts.

I don't think it's that common but yes. My husband's ex accused him of hitting her (she said this to me after we'd been together around a year and they'd had a falling out). He vehemently denied it and showed me evidence of her arrest for physical violence and also a subsequent social services intervention regarding her and anger issues.

I chose to believe him and after seeing how she is in the years (now double figures) we've been together I still do. He's never laid a finger on me nor have I ever felt intimidated or scared of him. She is a different story.

BUT that being said I think if you've made the same mistake multiple times something is probably off.

Run a mile.

Is your entire dating pool your street?
I’m in my 50s and in years of dating I’ve only ever come across one person where I met their ex.

my Dad.
we were brought up with domestic abuse, aggression and violence towards us kids and my mother.
They of course divorced after over 20 years of marriage.
He was a heavy drinker and not a very nice person at all.

He met his now wife just after the divorce.
Its like he has had a personality transplant.
They have been together for about 18 years now, he no longer drinks, has 2 more kids who he absolutely adores and will do anything for and he and his wife are so so happy and have a lovely relationship. He is a different man and I get on with him great, even my mum doesn’t mind him popping round every now and again for a cup of tea!

If he had gone back to his old ways he would have had the wrath of us adult kids because his wife is just lovely. We would fiercely protect her and the kids.

I think that my mum and him just completely clashed, their relationship was very very fiery and they just did not get on at all.

Without knowing HOW you came across this info we'll never know.
Claires law? theres a problem
Marias cousins best friends nephews mate at school? might be nothing

You having a history of abusive men and not being able to recognise if this one is triggering your instincts or you are being paranoid is a clue you should throw it back. Good men don't make you paranoid

I agree it's rare but.. I have. The man in question was widely known in my local area for hitting an ex partner after she posted about it all over social media. I was warned of this by numerous people when we met. He turned out to be the kindest, gentlest man I know. Never even raised his voice to me, nevermind a hand. The accuser on the other hand, left scars on him from her violence and continues to pelt bricks through his window now despite it being 7 years since they last had contact. She's obviously not the full ticket

Form my work with DV charity I can tell you in terms of recovery programmes for abusers the success rate is something silly 0.002% of abusers go on to not abuse because abuse is about power and why would you give that up if you have it and know it's worked before.

You have eyes and ears of your own and a ex wife maybe crazy or she maybe completely sane, don't take his word for it. Judge for yourself and listen to your inner voice for red flags. Even if you think your mad for thinking it. The brain often picks up on things the heart isn't willing to see.

Listen to your instincts. It's save a lot of woman's lives.

What's that saying "men that can't let go, chose women who can't say no".

Have you got any studies @pitchforksandflamethrowers

Work-related reasons I can share by PM of you'd like.

The exes were honest 100% of the time and the lies my bfs told were massive!!

If your spidey senses are tingling enough for you to start this thread, dump and take pp’s advice and be single for a while (9-12 months at least) and work on yourself before dating again.

This is an unpopular opinion on MN but I will proudly wear my tin hat. I do believe that in a lot of abusive relationships, both parties are as bad as each other. Some people just should not be together and bring out the worst in each other.

I'll also get accused of victim blaming here. But if someone is talking about their ex being a psycho on the first few dates, why isn't the other person giving them a wide berth?!

I think emotionally abusive people bide their time when it comes to victims.

I was dating a man when I heard he'd be emotionally and physically abusive to partners in the past by that stage I was sucked in, he was much older, after a few years he battered me badly, I was lucky leaving immediately.

My family sent me away.

He stalked and terrified my family, he wasn't going to stop until he hurt me again.
He did a year later when he spotted me he broke my shoulder.

It was a long time ago. I wouldn't risk it if I was you.

I think some relationships are toxic like this, rather than abusive. Sometimes it's all lies, but mostly it's very unlikely that someone accused isn't abusive .

My father was accused of DV by my mother. She got almost full custody and the whole house, he got EOW and nothing from the assets. Less then a year later she took up with another man and left us with her supposedly abusive Ex, our DF. Haven't seen her since. Sometimes people lie.

In your OPs case, given you've been in this situation many times before I think it's unlikely that he isn't the same as your other Ex's. The number of men unjustly accused is much much smaller then the number of men who are correctly accused of abuse. I'm not blaming you OP, anyone with strong boundaries would get rid quickly so it makes sense these men would regularly end up back in the dating pool. It is hard after dealing with abusive partners to trust yourself and your judgement. It's hard to have strong boundaries after going through that. I think the best thing you can do right now is step back from dating and work on yourself before going back in again. Get counselling, do the freedom program face to face in a group, work on your self esteem, your boundaries, what you're willing to put up with. Only then would I try again.

Nope. My ex-husband was an arsehole to me and also an arsehole to his subsequent women who all fell for his good looks and sob stories. One if them lost her career and nearly went to prison because of him. He still continues to be an arsehole from what his family tell me (I'm still on good terms with his family).

@MrsTerryPratchett let me check with the team (when next in) in sure there must be several knocking around. This isn't my full time job so do it pro bono to help out.

I personally think it's all rather dire tbh.

I wanted to warn my ex's partner about him but didn't - knew it would be 'crazy ex' territory and she would be in the lovebomb phase. Roll on a few years - they are divorced and she fundraises for Women's Aid and posts about coercive control (yes I FB stalked). I feel for his latest partner as leopards don't change their spots.

@MrsTerryPratchett I read a few studies I found on Google scholar after reading the Lundy book Why does he do that? and then reading an interview he gave where he was talking about the programs being next to useless.

The studies I read were mostly US based I struggled to find very many UK studies, this was a few years back though.

Thanks @PleaseGoDontGoAgain

I've been googling and the consensus seems to be that it can get worse, it can get better, it can stay the same and that's with treatment! Without it seems to almost invariably stay the same or get worse.

I have a safety issue and I'm struggling with it.

Ex was court ordered to do a perpetrator course as part of his case to get unsupervised child contact.

whilst he was doing the course another company was carrying out a study as to how effective the perpetrator course was.

so I think studies on perpetrator courses are ongoing in the UK.

my very subjective observations, they only work if the man doing the course wants to change and is really putting his all in to learn and stop his behaviour and control his anger.

@MrsTerryPratchett we do have some but I have been advised I'm not allowed to share as they are too specific, dpa ect as they are internal statistics that I strongly suspect they don't want getting out.

That said, if your struggling with a issue on this please pm me, I don't know if I will have the answers you seek but I can try to the best of my abilities within the parameterss I'm allowed, I don't log in to mumsnet website (I'm on the app which doesn't have the inbox) very often but for this I will make a exception.

I have to reiterate that when I went digging today our numbers are drastically low. Some of our staff aren't even really sure the success stories they have treated, have truly been "fixed" or that they simply have gotten better at saying the right things.
I have been cautioned against giving people false hope.

And how did that poster's parents not getting on/being as bad as each other result in the "aggression and violence towards us kids" by him?

my Dad.
we were brought up with domestic abuse, aggression and violence towards us kids and my mother.

Just double checked and the poster said this.

So were the kids as bad as him too?

and control his anger

Domestic abusers generally don't have issues controlling their "anger" when men of equal or greater size or strength, or some ability to cause them negative consequences are around. Its only usually females and kids who are physi ally weaker, and dependant etc on them with whom they experience difficulties controlling their anger dominance.