To ask if you have had a relationship with a man previously accused of abuse either emotionally or physically that turned out to not be abusive to you?

[Askingadviceagain]

Started dating a new guy around a year ago. No signs of abuse so far although his ex did accuse him of emotional abuse. He has admitted to me that they were both unkind when splitting up and he regrets it and has worked on himself.

Just wondering how many people have had a relationship with someone previously accused of abuse that turned out to be a nice partner?

My radar is a bit off as I have had a few of these partners now (accused) and eventually I have always seen what the ex wife had issues with.

I'm hoping this one is different. Any experience like this?

I think abusive men will continue to be abusive in most future relationships unless something really life changing occurs to them - like prison sentences, near fatal drunk driving accident, or they've lost something and it's made their life harder so they really don't want to have to face the same consequences again. They have to both want to change and do the work needed to change.

There are also abusive women and dishonest women.

I think you are right to be wary.

I have known quite a number of occasions where said 'abusive' man is lovely, sweet, adorable, and the new woman is all like 'what? he is fine, he is wonderful to me' and so on...

Then further down the line, his true colours show. Sometimes several years/often after marriage or when the new woman is pregnant.

Be careful @Askingadviceagain

@PandemicAtTheDisco

There are also abusive women - and dishonest women.

Oh FFS!

This thread not about those kind of women though IS it? This thread is about abusive MEN! Start a new thread - if you want to go on about abusive women - don't derail THIS one.

There are also abusive women and dishonest women.

This is a thread about abusive men. Who kill women on a regular basis. Do you go onto threads talking about the plague and say, "a common cold is bad too"? It's just ridiculous.

Personally I would not take the risk. I would avoid a man that had been accused of abusing women at all costs for my own safety.

There are also abusive women and dishonest women.

I think it's relevent. It is his ex partner who has said he was abusive. He says they were both unkind, he regrets it and has worked on himself.

But the OP has a history of abusive ex's. So I think she needs too be wary.

There are also abusive women and dishonest women.

And if OP dated women, had a history of dating abusive women and was unable to find a woman who hadn't been accused of abuse, we would discuss them in this thread.

Can I interest you in a game of Russian Roulette? Similar odds. And potential outcomes.

I’m not sure I’d risk it

I had a controlling verbally abusive ex (I went to the police for harassment issues) when I was 19 and he was 21

8 years later he has a wife, a child and apparently had completely changed and has learnt from his controlling ways and isn’t like that with her

I guess if they’re young they can change… maybe

I probably wouldn’t of continued my relationship with my now husband if I found out he was emotionally abusive in the past

MASSIVE name change for this one but yes I have, and still do, and it's a Jeremy Kyle style disaster saga.

But the underlying circumstance is pretty unusual and frankly the kind of horror story that spawns MRAs...

Once upon a time a wee little romantic DH was working overseas and fell in love with a beautiful charming mad woman (official diagnosis BPD, various other cluster B traits for good measure, drink/drug problems on top) and decided he could protect her and save her and MAKE HER NEVER BE SAD AGAIN. Long story short, they were pregnant and married within a year, and 1 year after that he had been deported for 'DV' (took guilty plea without understanding visa implications) , she was in inpatient detox and bub was in foster care.

3 years pass, ex wife has cleaned up act, regained custody, new man, all seems OK.

5 more years, she's drinking again, kid is at risk again, new man is charged with DV and rape. But new man has lawyer money, lawyer accesses phone and email records and (TWIST!) Ex wife is under investigation for harassment false allegations etc.

She grabs kid, hops a cheap flight out of the country and proceeds to try to drink herself to death in off season resort. Picks up local child endangerment charges, kid goes to foster care again.

DH is informed of developments, and after sorting out Hague convention stuff brings his kid (who he barely knows) home and sends ex wife back to rehab. It doesn't stick, she hops another flight to UK, TRIES TO KIDNAP CHILD FROM SCHOOL, is arrested etc etc and finally ODs in a park.

Couple years later I meet a nice divorced dad with full custody, get told there's a bit of baggage and can we talk before things go any further...

I almost bailed immediately, but agreed to look at some of the paper trail and then had a very long phone call with an amicable ex gf who backed it all up completely. And when I eventually met future stepkid (poor poor kid!!) they talked about ex wife openly planning false accusations, being coached to lie to police etc and were an all round great kid who had concluded that dad was pretty nice actually and that it's lovely to live in a calm cheerful household.

Happyish ending, we got married so I could adopt stepkid, therapy is a big help, GCSEs are being sat next year.

Dunno what the moral is, but I treated it as big assertions need really big proof and trod very slowly and carefully (which suited me at the time anyway). And I never get to discuss this outside immediate family because it's a fucking soap opera and I can't be arsed dealing with the assumptions that either I'm a deluded ninny or DH is a MRA warrior and I'm some noble tradwife. Also stepkid is mortified and we figure it's more their story to tell than ours.

Would you not agree some vulnerable women can be attracted to wronguns though?

It's not worth the risk at all! In general people repeatedly fall into the same behavioural patterns and he's likely to wait until you're vulnerable in some way (e.g. ill or have put on weight or are struggling at work) and start to be abusive- find someone nice instead :-) .

I would suggest you check him out using Clare's Law to see if he has a bigger history of abuse than he is telling you.

I think this is very poor phrasing. Vulnerable people are not ‘just attracted to wrong ‘uns.’ Abusive and cruel people either actively target vulnerable people and use techniques like love bombing and manipulation to keep them, or women with stronger boundaries are more able to repel these men at the first sign of a red flag. That’s why some people seem to be in many bad relationships - not because they just love a bad boy, but because bad men know how to find people they can abuse.

When I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, I made it my mission to contact his 2 next girlfriends to forewarn them. Naturally I got nasty messages back from them

however, a few months later (on both occasions) they both contacted me separately to say they wished they had listened to me as I had been right. Both lovely successful strong women (he definitely went for a certain type of woman!).

altho he had only been emotionally abusive to me, he had escalated to physical violence with the the 3rd girlfriend after me

never ever ever get with a man with priorr history like this. They do not change

Why would you want to be with a man who has been abusive to his intimate partners?

I'm hoping this one is different

Hmm. Do you also bang your head against brick walls to see if it feels any different next time ?

I think the keyword here is accused. Was it ever proven that he was abusive? Or is it here say? Is the ex saying he was abusive?

I think the keyword here is accused

Do you think generally that women lie about being abused ?

Hysteria alert

No where in the OP does it mention murder

This was my first thought.

It's easy to get into a pattern and abusers are very good (don't ask me how) at spitting those they can hoodwink long enough to get fat enough in before they show their abuse.

Other way round. Wrong 'uns are very good at sniffing out vulnerable people, and charming them, making them feel special, and eventually turning them into more victims.

A man who wasn’t abusive to his ex would not volunteer that he’d been ‘unkind’ to his ex.

Men are abusive to their intimate partners, two women a week are killed by their intimate partners.

it’s so interesting that OP isn’t even questioning that her current boyfriend was abusive to his ex, that’s not in question. As he’s admitted it.

and yet we have women falling over themselves trying to minimise and make up a scenario where his ex must be lying so he’s not been abusive at all.

none so blind those who won’t see and all that.

You need to spend time working on yourself and trying to understand why you keep having the same relationship with the same type of man over and over again...

Of course an abusive man is not going to change, what you need to change is yourself so you stop repeating the same mistake.

To be fair, the OP asks -

Just wondering how many people have had a relationship with someone previously accused of abuse that turned out to be a nice partner?

No mention of 'men' specifically.

FWIW I've had six relationships I'd consider long-term, so over a year, both sexes, and the only one who displayed any sort of abusive and controlling behaviour was a woman. No prior warning because we didn't have any mutual friends or acquaintances when we met, but I found out after the fact that she had also been abusive to other partners before me.