To ask if you have had a relationship with a man previously accused of abuse either emotionally or physically that turned out to not be abusive to you?

[Askingadviceagain]

Started dating a new guy around a year ago. No signs of abuse so far although his ex did accuse him of emotional abuse. He has admitted to me that they were both unkind when splitting up and he regrets it and has worked on himself.

Just wondering how many people have had a relationship with someone previously accused of abuse that turned out to be a nice partner?

My radar is a bit off as I have had a few of these partners now (accused) and eventually I have always seen what the ex wife had issues with.

I'm hoping this one is different. Any experience like this?

How old is he?

So you have repeated the same scenario multiple times and here you are repeating it again expecting a different outcome

Just wondering how many people have had a relationship with someone previously accused of abuse that turned out to be a nice partner?

The likelihood of this is slim.

If you have been in a number of abusive relationship have you done the freedom programme?

Nope, but had one accused of being abusive who turned out to be abusive, surprise surprise.

If you’ve had multiple relationships with men who have been accused of abuse I would assume that 1) you must come across quite vulnerable/low self esteem or something and/or 2) like the idea of being the one who ‘changed them’ not like those other women…

My radar is a bit off as I have had a few of these partners now (accused) and eventually I have always seen what the ex wife had issues with.

Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome.

What you need to work out is why you have relationships with abusive men.

Maybe you need to be single for a while and work on some personal issues.

I think they see you a mile off.

I'm dating in my mid 40s and guys are around this age up to 50s. I have yet to meet one single guy where this does not come up. Even on early dates.

I have completed lots of counselling and have also read the freedom programme

I personally have never experienced this but let’s look at the very best case scenario - you have a man who loves you & treats you well but has previously treated women badly. Even if he was sweet as pie to me that’s what I would be thinking. Every argument, every lovely moment. ‘I wonder what he did to her… what he said to her… if I do xyz will he do it to me too?’

There are men out there who don’t abuse ANY women. Shoot for one of those.

You’ve not met a guy who hasn’t abused women? Where do you date - prisons?

Don’t make the mistake of thinking that he won’t abuse you, because you’re oh so special and you’re so different to his ex and this relationship is different and so on and so forth (I’d wager he’s already said similar).

He’s already love bombed you and has you primed.

OP, rather than invest in time wondering if he will turn out to be abusive, maybe work in your radar?

It isn’t your fault that you have experienced so many men with unhealthy behaviours, but you do owe it to yourself to build boundaries and enjoy some self esteem.

Abusive men whittle you away.

Build yourself up before having relationships with any more men.

Well done for asking the question of yourself and MN. A good first step.

Lots of great resources. Freedom programme. Lundy Bancroft books.

Good luck!

What I meant was I’ve never experienced a man accused of abuse who turned out not to be abusive. Usually you’re accused of abusive because you’ve abused someone, and once you feel that power/control and that’s your solution to dealing with things you’re very unlikely to suddenly not be abusive.

Why would you take this risk?

Then there's something about how you select men. Something about your 'type'. A lot of us have a few that sneak in. But every one is not a coincidence.

I have a friend with a penchant for neck tattoos and shaved heads. She dates a lot of abusive men too.

It's rare, when it's happened later in life. If it was someone younger, I'd say that there is a possibility of change. I came from an abusive background and had really dysfunctional ways of communicating/behaving etc, You'll probably see more signs of abusive behaviour once living together, he'll go back to old ways. If you aren't wanting to live together etc, it's upto you, but end it at the first signs.

You've not met one man where this hasn't happened? Then your counselling isn't over. He will be abusive.

Good luck, is all I’m going to say.

Wtf?! Can't possibly be that there are a high number of emotionally abusive people about!

Victim blaming at its finest!!

Coming sideways at the question: given your experience with men so far has been largely bad, what keeps you looking? What about being single is worse than this continual merrygoround of not very nice men?

I think if you can answer this question it will help you understand why you keep picking wronguns.

There are men who have never been accused of abusing anybody. Make that your base line.

Don't even THINK about it.

You haven't met a single man who doesn't have a history of abuse allegations?

Get thee to a nunnery.