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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this a bit of a red flag in people?

88 replies

Irmagerd1 · 20/07/2022 08:09

The other day I met a couple that my partner knows. They seemed friendly, particularly the girl. She talked a lot, I mean really a lot, which is fine, maybe a bit different from me but that's who she is. But she was starting to get quite deep and emotional and I had only just met her. Telling me about dark periods in her life and how X point was the only time she'd felt she had any self esteem in life, this kind of thing. At this point I'd met her for 15 minutes.
I noticed that every time her boyfriend was going to speak she'd cut him off and start speaking.
Maybe she wears her heart on her sleeve, or is just very open but it just really seemed too much for someone I'd known for 10 minutes.
Another person I met a couple of years ago was like that. Within an hour of knowing her I knew her relationship history, the relationships she had with her family, that her ex had been controlling, and so on.
I later tried to make friends with her but she just didn't reply to my messages and then randomly cut my partner (who she'd been mates with for years) out of her life, refusing to meet with him and deleting us both of all social media for no apparent reason. I guess she had had own issues.
I think since her I'm always a bit wary of this super over friendly and over familiar types within minutes of meeting them.
Am I wrong to be? Anyone else?

OP posts:
Original poster
Irmagerd1 · 20/07/2022 08:17

Also not into hugging people I've only just met. Again that's just me though, just seems kinda fake hugging someone unless maybe it's a date or something.

OP posts:
Strugglingtodomybest · 20/07/2022 08:17

Yes, I think you're unreasonable. You had a bad experience with one person who overshared with you and now you're wary of all people you meet like that. Why?

Imagine if I told you I'd had a bad experience with a Welsh person so now I'm wary of all Welsh people. What would you think of me?

coffeecupsandfairylights · 20/07/2022 08:19

People are just different.

I don't think it's necessarily a red flag. And neither is hugging someone you've just met "fake".

Eunorition · 20/07/2022 08:21

No, I think you're right to be wary of oversharers. They love to be the victim and love the drama and attention of it all. In 40 years she'll be that bonkers woman sat on the bus telling all and sundry. They're usually on the lookout for a willing audience, someone they can bombard with texts asking for favours or claiming they're in crisis.

Shoxfordian · 20/07/2022 08:23

I also don’t like oversharers or over familiar people, seems to demonstrate an early lack of boundaries

Zuyi · 20/07/2022 08:25

Nothing worse than friendly, open people.

IdiotCreatures · 20/07/2022 08:25

Not appropriate at all. She sounds socially unaware and to be avoided.

needanotherholidayy · 20/07/2022 08:28

Shoxfordian · 20/07/2022 08:23

I also don’t like oversharers or over familiar people, seems to demonstrate an early lack of boundaries

I so agree with this

Original poster
Irmagerd1 · 20/07/2022 08:31

Yeah fair enough, it's who she is.
I'm not saying hugging is fake from them, I just reserve it for people I have affection for, like good friends, partners, family etc . But I have none for a complete stranger. Just feels odd hugging someone for the sake of it.
A handshake is ok but I guess it's quite formal.

OP posts:
Annoyedwithmyself · 20/07/2022 08:36

I like.people who are open hearted and happy to share their experiences and feelings but it feels like the issue here was that she dominated the conversation massively, cutting people off, told you a lot of quite personal stuff and then didn't have any interest in pursuing a friendship so it's a bit use-y. Offloading but having no interest in you. I mean, perhaps she is going through a tough time and that's why she is like this currently but I find too much intensity offputting. In my experience it often doesn't show very good boundaries or an interest in a balanced friendship or conversation.

woolwinder · 20/07/2022 08:44

Irmagerd1 · 20/07/2022 08:09

The other day I met a couple that my partner knows. They seemed friendly, particularly the girl. She talked a lot, I mean really a lot, which is fine, maybe a bit different from me but that's who she is. But she was starting to get quite deep and emotional and I had only just met her. Telling me about dark periods in her life and how X point was the only time she'd felt she had any self esteem in life, this kind of thing. At this point I'd met her for 15 minutes.
I noticed that every time her boyfriend was going to speak she'd cut him off and start speaking.
Maybe she wears her heart on her sleeve, or is just very open but it just really seemed too much for someone I'd known for 10 minutes.
Another person I met a couple of years ago was like that. Within an hour of knowing her I knew her relationship history, the relationships she had with her family, that her ex had been controlling, and so on.
I later tried to make friends with her but she just didn't reply to my messages and then randomly cut my partner (who she'd been mates with for years) out of her life, refusing to meet with him and deleting us both of all social media for no apparent reason. I guess she had had own issues.
I think since her I'm always a bit wary of this super over friendly and over familiar types within minutes of meeting them.
Am I wrong to be? Anyone else?

You have a right to your feelings. If someone gets on your tits for whatever reason, you are allowed to feel that way. The fact that you have asked about that, and the way you have asked, shows you are a thoughtful person. She sounds like a flake to me. You don't have a duty to suffer flakes. One person's meat is another person's poison, and while we are digging around in the proverb box, once bitten twice shy. You are not being unreasonable.

dreammattemousse · 20/07/2022 08:47

I'm an over sharer 😰😰
But to be fair I'm going through the worst time of my life so yes It's all on my mind and the words just come out of my mouth before I even know what's happening..

It's something I'm trying to work on 😬

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 20/07/2022 08:50

I’d be more worried about her interrupting and cutting people off. People who do that don’t want a conversation; they want someone to listen to them. You can sense that every minute you’re talking they’re itching to jump in. It’s one long round of “But what about meeeeee?!”

IrisVersicolor · 20/07/2022 08:50

Well MN is full of oversharers so you’d better be careful. 🤓

Adversity · 20/07/2022 08:52

I am very wary of over sharers and people that tell you really intimate details especially dark stuff straight away. I also don’t like being hugged by people I hardly know.

Pibble · 20/07/2022 08:53

I work with a lady like this and it's harmless. She's a just nice person who has been through a rough time. She does talk about herself literally all the time though which can be a bit much, but i wouldn't call it a red flag by any means.

inmyslippers · 20/07/2022 08:53

I think they're trauma dumping and trying to build rapport too quickly.

FourTeaFallOut · 20/07/2022 08:54

Over sharers are the pits.

Marvellousmadness · 20/07/2022 08:54

And you are oversharing this with us... why?

tithonia · 20/07/2022 08:55

Being too eager to share personal information with random strangers moments after meeting them and for no apparent reason can be a sign that there is something off about that person. I find oversharing awkward and would usually avoid someone on that basis alone, regardless of whether I thought it was a red flag indicating some "danger" or threat.

MissTrip82 · 20/07/2022 08:56

To me it’s a bit of a red flag when people describe behaviour that’s not familiar to them as ‘fake’ and make it very clear they think their way is right whilst also stressing ‘each to their own’ and ‘not judging’ …….

Some people share more because they’re more open and extroverted, some people do so because of previous trauma, some people share at particular times in their lives or with particular people.

I’m not a sharer and I don’t pretend that’s the right or healthy path tbh.

FourTeaFallOut · 20/07/2022 08:57

Marvellousmadness · 20/07/2022 08:54

And you are oversharing this with us... why?

Hardly. We are hardly being hit with a misery tsunami with no escape.

Olinguita · 20/07/2022 08:58

Oversharing is often a sign of poor boundaries and people who like to play victim. I would have found the behaviour OP describes to be a red flag

Original poster
Irmagerd1 · 20/07/2022 08:58

Yes I think it was more that than anything, cutting people off and dominating the conversation. She did ask me a couple of questions but

OP posts:
Original poster
Irmagerd1 · 20/07/2022 08:59

Maybe it is trauma, I will give her a chance anyway

OP posts:
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