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Original poster

To find this a bit of a red flag in people?

88 replies

Irmagerd1 · 20/07/2022 08:09

The other day I met a couple that my partner knows. They seemed friendly, particularly the girl. She talked a lot, I mean really a lot, which is fine, maybe a bit different from me but that's who she is. But she was starting to get quite deep and emotional and I had only just met her. Telling me about dark periods in her life and how X point was the only time she'd felt she had any self esteem in life, this kind of thing. At this point I'd met her for 15 minutes.
I noticed that every time her boyfriend was going to speak she'd cut him off and start speaking.
Maybe she wears her heart on her sleeve, or is just very open but it just really seemed too much for someone I'd known for 10 minutes.
Another person I met a couple of years ago was like that. Within an hour of knowing her I knew her relationship history, the relationships she had with her family, that her ex had been controlling, and so on.
I later tried to make friends with her but she just didn't reply to my messages and then randomly cut my partner (who she'd been mates with for years) out of her life, refusing to meet with him and deleting us both of all social media for no apparent reason. I guess she had had own issues.
I think since her I'm always a bit wary of this super over friendly and over familiar types within minutes of meeting them.
Am I wrong to be? Anyone else?

OP posts:
Whatalovelydaffodil · 20/07/2022 09:34

A "red flag" for what?

BogRollBOGOF · 20/07/2022 09:35

Friendship should bring mutual support.
Friendship is not being an untrained, unpaid therapist.

Too often emotional vampire types will suck everything from you, then when you're empty, you'll be the bad guy for putting up boundaries/ distance for your own self preservation. Avoid.
(Been there, done that)

ImFuminHun · 20/07/2022 09:38

YANBU at all.

People who tell me their life story, all their dark traumas and past relationships are people that I don't want to be friends with.

Not because of their past because we all have pasts similar but I just don't trust people who give me that much so quickly.

ImFuminHun · 20/07/2022 09:39

Sorry should add "in the first half an hour of having met them."

Etinoxaurus · 20/07/2022 09:39

🤷🏻‍♀️
People are different.

You’ve described 2 people with porous boundaries, and it can often be difficult to navigate relationships with pp like that so what you’ve spotted is a red flag for not east going.

housepilot · 20/07/2022 09:41

Yabu to judge so quickly.

I have a few friends who over-shared, especially in early days of our friendships. While not always, I do find it leads to a deeper level friendship or conversation, rather than chit chat. Not always though. And I don't mind Some friendships being me being more supportive.

BlooDeBloop · 20/07/2022 09:49

With these people I tend to withhold judgement. Ime people overshare because they are a) open hearted and trusting (I like these), b) drama divas (avoid), or c) recovering addicts or people who've come through a lot of trauma and are used to sharing in support groups (can be draining, or not, depends).

cushioncovers · 20/07/2022 10:04

Yes it's a red flag for me when people I've only just met off load their entire life story. It shows a lack of self awareness and social boundaries. It's also boring and tiring being someone else's shoulder to cry on when you've literally just met them in a social situation. I get that sometimes you meet someone who's having a particularly bad day and you caught them at a vulnerable moment and I would have compassion for them. But energy vampires that make a habit of bombarding any new person with all their emotional baggage annoy me.

bloodybluemoon · 20/07/2022 10:05

Iswym but sometimes people can open up to people they've only met knowing that they are not going to see each other . My colleagues, acquaintances will only ever know the surface me but the lady who does my laser knows more about me and my plans although I filter out the stuff I want to share and keep the stuff in that is too much info.

woolwinder · 20/07/2022 10:23

SmellyToilet · 20/07/2022 09:11

I don’t do hugging - they can fuck right off with that shite

if a colleague says 'Shall we hug?', I usually say 'OK but no tongues'

sayanythingelse · 20/07/2022 10:28

Well there's wearing your heart on your sleeve and then there's trauma dumping. She was doing the latter.

I've come across a few people like this and their entire life is woe is me. Every bad thing that can happen, has happened to them. I've learnt from experience that there's over 7 billion people on this planet, just surround yourself with more positive people.

leatherboundbooks · 20/07/2022 10:30

MAybe not all like that are people to be wary of but over the years looking back some of the people I have ended up having problems with have been people who have inappropriately overshared right at the beginning. If it was in a therapy group or session, ok, that's what you're there for, if it's someone on a train and you'll never see them again, that's ok. But apart from that I would hold back, based on my experience. How I wish I'd done that with the ones who have caused me problems in the past

WellThatsNice · 20/07/2022 10:41

Was coming to say it’s definitely common
with ADHD - I’m pretty sure I’ve overshared in the past and I’d be mortified to think someone thought I was trauma dumping or trying to make everything about me. Since being diagnosed I’m more aware of this and I try really hard not to do it, but a lot of ADHD people find small talk quite hard and get straight into the real stuff as a way of connecting. But you also have to do what’s right for you, and if it makes you uncomfortable or you think that your interactions are unbalanced and that they aren’t interested in you at all then you’re entitled not to bother…

onreee · 20/07/2022 10:45

Whatalovelydaffodil · 20/07/2022 09:34

A "red flag" for what?

Exactly! Everything is a red flag these days. If you personally wouldn't want to be friends with someone who overshares, fine, but it's not a red flag. Red flag for what???

And one persons over sharing is another's open and relatable.

Not everything has to be red flag, it's ok to just not want to be mates.

Gruffling · 20/07/2022 11:06

Oversharing is characteristic of autistic women. Sometimes we don't understand the social nuances of when it is appropriate to share with someone.

SoupDragon · 20/07/2022 11:08

Whatalovelydaffodil · 20/07/2022 09:34

A "red flag" for what?

That is exactly what I thought 😂

gnilliwdog · 20/07/2022 11:13

I have wondered about some of the super lively, life of the party types I have met. They seem so charming, but a few times now it seems to me their huge social effort was hiding some pretty dark stuff. I tend to trust less talkative people now, who say what they mean and don't try too hard to be liked!

Dacquoise · 20/07/2022 11:15

BlooDeBloop · 20/07/2022 09:49

With these people I tend to withhold judgement. Ime people overshare because they are a) open hearted and trusting (I like these), b) drama divas (avoid), or c) recovering addicts or people who've come through a lot of trauma and are used to sharing in support groups (can be draining, or not, depends).

Yes, agree with this. It's hard to tell definitively until you have experienced them a bit.

New yoga group, guy turned up and within minutes was telling us about his terminal brain tumour diagnosis. Given three months to live and still around three years later. Felt very uncomfortable with such stark information and discretely moved away. But turns out he's a really nice bloke, very kind with a family he adores, sort of person that grows on you. Perhaps he needed to set out his story in a new group?

Another person latched onto me in another group setting, immediately decided I was her 'best friend' and,although she has some good qualities, plays this toxic push me, pull me dynamic that is very draining. Complete drama queen and hysteric at times. Keep her firmly at arms length.

There's nowt queer as folk!

11Hawkins · 20/07/2022 11:18

Characterises for autistic or ADHD people. It's not a red flag.
I can be like this when I'm nervous, that or I'm selectively mute. It depends.

However.... if they drone on about drama "oh Susan down the road she's a bitch," or "this person just looked at me and pissed me off how dare they look at me!" Now that's a red flag.

RockinHorseShit · 20/07/2022 11:19

To me it shows clear lack of boundaries & I'd also be very wary. I'd initially step back & observe though, rather than refuse to interact with them further, as I'm aware this can sometimes be due to ND, it can also be the sign of a covert Narc & attention seeker though, something I learnt the hard way

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 20/07/2022 11:24

I treat people like that with caution. It could just be their nature, a nervous twitch maybe, or they are just an open book.

On the other hand, they could be attention seekers, on the lookout for someone new to give them attention, help or money in some cases. I know of people who are a massive over sharers, always drowning in misery, and on the look out for new people to get money from and steal from. They are obviously ones to avoid.

Stroopwaffle5000 · 20/07/2022 11:27

As PP said, over sharing is common in neurodivergents, such as people with ADHD. It can also be down to social anxiety. I often get verbal diarrhea when I'm really nervous, or I go the other way and can't speak. This thread has just confirmed that I should just stop trying to socialise and go and live under a rock 😂

Stroopwaffle5000 · 20/07/2022 11:34

Just to add, I don't overshare to get sympathy or because I want a shoulder to cry on. I'm usually making light of whatever it is I'm talking about and trying to make the other person laugh. I'm terrified of coming across as boring, quiet or shy. All things which I got teased for when I was younger and the
silence freaks me out.

WellThatsNice · 20/07/2022 11:36

Same here Stroopwaffle5000! I’ve basically become a hermit in the last few years- easier than reliving social interactions and thinking “shit, should I have said this? What does that mean” etc etc 😅

RockinHorseShit · 20/07/2022 12:00

This thread has just confirmed that I should just stop trying to socialise and go and live under a rock 😂

Please don't feel like that, I think most of us prefer open honest outwardly friendly people, but we've experienced attention seekers & covert narcissistic behaviour too & know there's no way to initially tell the difference