Husband didn’t meet me

[Tryhard87]

So this is a genuine AIBU, as I am quite annoyed but there is a niggling doubt I am indeed being unreasonable.

About 4 years ago, I was working at a local council and we were asked to work at polling stations for the day (optional). I agreed and this meant that I would be working till10.30 PM and then getting a train home. Getting me into the station at about 11.30. I had asked DH to meet me at the station because I was still struggling on crutches due to an illness and also I get scared walking home late on my own. He agreed.

DH went out with our friends and ended up not coming back until 6am in the morning. This has never happened before and I know who he was with so I am not worried about cheating. He also made me feel bad on the train,as if I was ruining their night. I even apologised.

I am annoyed that he didn’t meet me from the train, spent loads of money in a casino and let me down.

The reason that I bring this up four years later is he just brought it up as like a funny story. Which pissed me off!

AIBU

It's depressing how many women live their lives in a state of terror. Yes, women are attacked sometimes. But to suggest that no woman should even get a train alone in the evening is such a limiting way to live your life. The risk is not high enough to make yourself permanently dependent on others and scared

Hi Op,

l think this is one of those situations where at surface level, it seems like you need to let it go.....only 5 mins......4 years ago.

But when you dig beneath the surface, this clearly was a distressing event where the person who was meant to be there for you wasn’t, actually put you in a vulnerable situation and then behaved extremely thoughtlessly by drinking and staying out at night.

My STBXH had form for staying out most of the night drinking losing track of time. He didn’t do it very often but it was a pattern. The first time he did it, it was so unlike him l thought he had been in an accident. I was beside myself.

Now, with the benefit of hindsight, l would always view this type of behaviour as a potential deal breaker. It reflects impulsiveness and an inability to understand the impact that going awol has on other people.

The fact he laughed about it now reveals a side to him that is unpleasant. It shows complete lack of empathy. It upsets you because deep down you know the incident 4 years ago was very serious, possibly you suppressed your real feelings about it and now it has all come surging back, released by his immature disrespectful behaviour right now.

You need to have a conversation about this with him. How he reacts to you saying how you feel will be very telling.

Hello again @SunniestSunshines I stand corrected that local government workers are not considered to be civil servants, so thanks for the correction.

I am glad that I was also able to make you laugh - even though it was at my expense, I don't hold grudges!

However, I do stand my feelings that OP and others in her position should have their transport paid for by their employers if one off, or very rare jobs, mean that the employee would find it difficult and/or unsafe to get home without that help. This is because she was not doing her normal day job, and if she had to get a train home, then it was obviously at least a bit of a distance to get their at that time of night.

Of course I don't expect anyone who takes on a full-time, or shift working job, that entails awkward working times, to have taxis provided for them! If someone applys for such a job they should only do so if they have their own means to get to and from their places of employment - with the rare exceptions of people like North Sea Oil Rig workers, I don't expect them to fund their own helicopter rides 😁

As for volunteers like Samaritans, yes, if they are working awkward shifts, they should be given enough expenses to cover their transport, and/or parking. Magistrates get expenses for their costs ...

Surely @BloodAndFire that is up to the individual woman? It is not up to you or me, who know nothing about strangers lives, to judge, and/or even potentially shame someone else into making a decision that they are not happy with?

If someone can only feel safe and happy if they pay attention to, and act upon their own fears, then it is fine for them to need the presence of others when they face a situation that makes them worried.

I hope it is obvious here that I am not referring to a NT adult who is too scared to get out of bed, or too worried to leave their own home - ever, or someone who has no social life at all, because of fear. Someone like that, would in all probabilty, benefit from some psychiatric care in order to be able to live a, so called, normal life.
But @MyneighbourisTotoro is not that person. I personally think that she has healthy concerns, certainly for her, and if I was in a position to go anywhere on my own, they would be my concerns also.

Also, please remember @BloodAndFire that your normal, and my normal, and our next doors neighbours normals, are probably all quite different things - but that doesn't mean that any of us are wrong, or even that any of us are right. Wrongs and rights can differ quite a lot between different individuals.

It was four years ago.

I didn't use the words "normal" or "wrong" at all.

The post I was replying to, and quoted, stated as a fact that travelling on a train alone is too risky and that she is shocked that any women would walk home alone.

SHE was criticising other women and fear mongering.

Ah come on, YABU then

Do you have trouble maintaining relationships?

On crutches. I don’t know how long it takes to do a 5min walk on crutches. I have always avoided having to because it would be painful!

@BloodAndFire But you have stated as a fact that:

"The risk is not high enough to make yourself permanently dependent on others and scared"

Can I ask you where you got the statistics from to say that it isn't a high enough risk to be concerned about travelling alone late at night?

And

May I also point out that MyneighbourisTotoro only commented about the risks of a woman walking alone late at night, and of being on a train alone late at night, and not as you stated about someone making themselves "..permanently dependent on others..", which is not what Myneighbour said, and is not what the rest of us were saying, when we were backing the OP up.

I don't see @MyneighbourisTotoro's post as being a criticism of other women - she certainly wasn't criticising the OP. She might disagree with people like you who apparently think that despite all the relatively recent murders of females, usually at night and when they are on their own, it is perfectly safe for a woman to walk alone in the dark - I disagree with you too - but how is that disagreement any different to your disagreements with us?
So are we all criticising each other (you are included here Blood), or do we just have different viewpoints?

According to the Cambridge Dictionary, the definition of "fearmongering" is:

"The action of trying to make people afraid of something when this is not necessary or reasonable"

Do you truly believe Blood, that @Myneighbour, and all the rest of us on here who have learned to be a lot more cautious about when we are willing to travel on our own, and when we believe that the potential risks of doing so are too great, are just saying that here because we are trying (or wanting) to make other woman afraid of being alone in certain circumstances?

I, and I am sure that most of the other women on here who are agreeing with the OP's right to feel worried on these occassions (and without being ridiculed for it), would not say these things if we didn't think it was necessary or reasonable to do so.

By the way I didn't say that you did use the words "normal" or "wrong", those were my words to you when I was trying to explain something to you.