Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband didn’t meet me

110 replies

Tryhard87 · 18/07/2022 22:09

So this is a genuine AIBU, as I am quite annoyed but there is a niggling doubt I am indeed being unreasonable.

About 4 years ago, I was working at a local council and we were asked to work at polling stations for the day (optional). I agreed and this meant that I would be working till10.30 PM and then getting a train home. Getting me into the station at about 11.30. I had asked DH to meet me at the station because I was still struggling on crutches due to an illness and also I get scared walking home late on my own. He agreed.

DH went out with our friends and ended up not coming back until 6am in the morning. This has never happened before and I know who he was with so I am not worried about cheating. He also made me feel bad on the train,as if I was ruining their night. I even apologised.

I am annoyed that he didn’t meet me from the train, spent loads of money in a casino and let me down.

The reason that I bring this up four years later is he just brought it up as like a funny story. Which pissed me off!

AIBU

OP posts:
EmmaH2022 · 19/07/2022 00:49

Tryhard87 · 18/07/2022 22:34

@MichelleScarn you make a good point. I suppose I decided he needed to escort me and maybe I need to think about expectations on that one. I wouldn’t come out to meet him, I suppose. Thank you.

You wouldn’t come to get him if he was coming home on crutches at night?

Sarahcoggles · 19/07/2022 00:59

YANBU.

I'm amazed at how many people think women only get attacked on walks longer than 5 minutes. My rapist attacked me less than a minute after he'd seen me. It didn't matter to him how far I'd walked before and how far I had left to go. He saw an opportunity and went for it. I would never feel safe being out on my own at 11.30pm, and your DH shouldn't have left you to walk alone. And to make a joke about it years later adds insult to injury.

tolerable · 19/07/2022 02:01

i hate numbers.
BUT
FOUR yrs ago -
you got let down....
...5 minutes is a funky walk-crutches,alone,dissapointed...isnt good.nor funny.
It WASNI a big deal-u actual apologised.
yabu

Krakinou · 19/07/2022 04:08

When you say he brought it up as a funny story, what did he think was funny about it? Was he implying you were unreasonable to be scared and feel let down? Or was he taking the mick out of himself for being a dick?

If it’s the latter, I think you can just tell him that it’s still an upsetting memory for you so please can he not joke about it in future. If it’s the former you need to have proper words. He was totally in the wrong - if he couldn’t meet you he shouldn’t have agreed to it. And he needs to be more aware of the dangers women face.

Sometimes everyone makes mistakes and acts badly towards their partner. But it’s really important to recognize this, apologize and mean it if you screw up, and maybe he hasn’t.

JustHarriet · 19/07/2022 04:21

Your feelings about what happened are not unreasonable and it would be totally acceptable to tell your partner you don't like him sharing that story as a joke because it upset you at the time and you still don't find it funny. If he respects you he should be able to respect this and show some empathy towards you.

MarshaMelrose · 19/07/2022 04:57

It was 5 mins away. I'd have got a taxi and let him stay out with his friends.

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 19/07/2022 05:02

4 years ago and now your annoyed?

Turnthatoff · 19/07/2022 05:11

If I understand you correctly, you were probably annoyed at the time because he didn’t bother to turn up, because a) he had said he would, b) you felt unsafe walking home alone at night, and c) you were on crutches. This is reasonable.

Again, IIUYC, you have not been harbouring ill feelings for 4 years. You did, so to speak, ‘let it go’. This is also reasonable.

Today, your partner joked about the fact that he ‘stood you up’ so to speak, in favour of staying out until 6am, and this annoyed you. I think this is also not unreasonable.

youlightupmyday · 19/07/2022 05:11

OP I am with you. Crutches are really bloody hard, it was late and you were vulnerable. ( for ref, I was attacked IN a station). Then staying out till 6am and blowing money in a casino... I would have not seen the funny side. At all.

OneDrop · 19/07/2022 05:12

RaspberryRippleTipple · 18/07/2022 22:17

YANBU to be annoyed 4 years ago.

YANBU to point out to him that he was a * and it’s not a funny anecdote

YABU to still be annoyed 4 years later if he hasn’t done anything similar since

This is well put.

On reflection did it help or hinder the recovery of your confidence?

timeisnotaline · 19/07/2022 05:15

A 5 min walk is not a 5 min walk on crutches!! I usually run 5-10 kms once a week or so, and the train station is 1km away. So obviously super easy. EXCEPT when I have a sprained ankle then it’s a slow careful limp. Op, my Dh doesn’t get to make jokes about that time he let me down / was a dick etc. if he does in front of people I say something calm and pointed, I don’t go along with it. That was actually really upsetting. <awkward silence while friends stop laughing> And if it’s just with me I highlight that clearly it doesn’t bother you, I suppose I was the one upset and you were the one out partying and mad I had phoned…

WiddlinDiddlin · 19/07/2022 05:21

I think people are basing their opinions on the idea that you've been seething about this for four years.

I think you'd let it go... thinking he realised he'd fucked up and was sorry.

Only NOW you realise... that whilst in your head, this was an incident where he let you down badly, where you vulnerable, asked for a pretty simple thing from him, and he put friends and fun and gambling before you...

And HE thinks it was a funny thing that happened one time... in his head 'oh hahah remember that time i forgot to meet Tryhard at the station because we were all wasted and in a casino, omg SO funny...'

That massive mismatch in recalling the incident would upset me, even if I'd nearly forgotten it now.

YANBU to be upset that he did that, nor that he thinks its funny now - what you do about it, may or may not be reasonable.

I think I'd have said fairly coldly 'yes, wasn't it hilarious the time you left me standing on a station platform late at night after promising to walk me home because I was still on crutches - it's hysterical when you let down the people you say you love'...

But I can't leave shit like that!

StridTheKiller · 19/07/2022 05:32

YANBU To expect him to help you and to care. You sound lovely and sensible and self aware OP. He sounds like a selfish twat.

lugeforlife · 19/07/2022 05:36

I don't think you are unreasonable here but if it genuinely isn't representative of his normal behaviour I think for your own peace of mind you need to let it go.

What I wouldn't take is him thinking it was funny - I would say clearly to him that he was a dick and he let you down and you don't appreciate him making light of it.

And it doesn't matter that it was only a short distance and yes you got home safely. He promised to help you when you asked for help and he didn't. That's a dick move.

custardbear · 19/07/2022 05:38

Sorry not read the whole thread but he should have been up front and you should have got a taxi from the station.
In reality your employer should have paid to get you home safely at that time of night
I would be losses off with him had he been the type of person that goes out a lot and just buggered off out and not considered you

ArcticSkewer · 19/07/2022 05:46

How exactly was this a funny story? Which part was funny? And why is he bringing it up again now? That's the part I would be upset about. He remembers it for a reason - I wonder why!
For me, it would be the hidden disrespect that implies that would upset me. He remembers this story for a reason.
I'm afraid my ex went like this towards the end. Such funny stories for his friends of the times I was vulnerable and he was a dick, obviously reframed as me being ridiculous and him doing a funny thing. He had lost all respect for me and this was a symptom.

ReeseWitherfork · 19/07/2022 05:49

YABU to say “4 years ago” when you mean “a couple of years before the pandemic”. All time is now mentioned relative to the pandemic.

Also… YANBU. I can imagine what’s happened here. At the time you felt you couldn’t get annoyed because it was only five minutes and it was a nice gesture as opposed to something he had to do. But actually, you were annoyed, and now he’s reminded you that actually you were annoyed and you never got any closure on being annoyed. I’d be annoyed in those circumstances (crutches, late at night, forgotten about!)

SmallPrawnEnergy · 19/07/2022 06:44

YABU to say “4 years ago” when you mean “a couple of years before the pandemic”. All time is now mentioned relative to the pandemic.

WTaF? MN gets more fucking idiotic by the second

Ncfreely · 19/07/2022 06:47

SmallPrawnEnergy · 19/07/2022 06:44

YABU to say “4 years ago” when you mean “a couple of years before the pandemic”. All time is now mentioned relative to the pandemic.

WTaF? MN gets more fucking idiotic by the second

Seriously I’m tempted to stop posting on MN because of the number of dickheads on this site who just say nasty or batshit stuff to OPs to make themselves feel good

OP YANBU. At all.

diddl · 19/07/2022 06:52

Did he at least let you know that he wouldn't be there or did you happen to phone him from the train?

It can be annoying/upsetting to be let down- I think it also depends on how he handled it at the time.

A funny story now?

How does that work??

"Remember that time you were on crutches & I said I'd meet you but instead went to the casino until the next morning & wasted a load of money"?

Soontobe60 · 19/07/2022 06:56

MsFrenchie · 18/07/2022 22:25

You know how some men think that women are a bit crazy, unreasonable, and hard to understand?

This is what they are thinking about.

Hang on, she’d been at work all day, she was on crutches, he didn't come home until 6am having been out on the lash! And you think she’s crazy that she’s annoyed he thinks it’s funny?

BalloonsAndWhistles · 19/07/2022 06:56

4 years!! Let it go.

Crunchymum · 19/07/2022 06:57

Did he know you were pissed off at the time? What kind of joke did he make about it?

I was all set to tell you to 'let it go' after 4 years (you obviously forgave him for his overnighter and shitty behaviour) but you are well within your rights to ask him not to make jokes about something that upset you a lot at the time.

ReeseWitherfork · 19/07/2022 07:00

SmallPrawnEnergy · 19/07/2022 06:44

YABU to say “4 years ago” when you mean “a couple of years before the pandemic”. All time is now mentioned relative to the pandemic.

WTaF? MN gets more fucking idiotic by the second

I was joking FFS. Worries me anyone could think I was being by serious.

BeeDavis · 19/07/2022 07:02

What kind of responses are you wanting? You’ve clearly still been married to this man for another 4 years after the incident.. just get over it?

Swipe left for the next trending thread