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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband didn’t meet me

110 replies

Tryhard87 · 18/07/2022 22:09

So this is a genuine AIBU, as I am quite annoyed but there is a niggling doubt I am indeed being unreasonable.

About 4 years ago, I was working at a local council and we were asked to work at polling stations for the day (optional). I agreed and this meant that I would be working till10.30 PM and then getting a train home. Getting me into the station at about 11.30. I had asked DH to meet me at the station because I was still struggling on crutches due to an illness and also I get scared walking home late on my own. He agreed.

DH went out with our friends and ended up not coming back until 6am in the morning. This has never happened before and I know who he was with so I am not worried about cheating. He also made me feel bad on the train,as if I was ruining their night. I even apologised.

I am annoyed that he didn’t meet me from the train, spent loads of money in a casino and let me down.

The reason that I bring this up four years later is he just brought it up as like a funny story. Which pissed me off!

AIBU

OP posts:
TheLadyofShalott1 · 19/07/2022 07:02

MarshaMelrose · 19/07/2022 04:57

It was 5 mins away. I'd have got a taxi and let him stay out with his friends.

@MarshaMelrose Unless the station OP got off at was a busy city centre one, then I doubt very much that there would have been any taxis there at that time of night! So she would have had to ring one up, but again, unless OP lives in a very large town, or city, it would be very unusual for a flag me and stop me proper taxi cab to be working in her area.

So that would mean ringing a taxi (and not an Uber if they were around then - just becoming popular in the UK maybe - as their drivers have no-where near the same amount of training and safeguards as proper taxi firms {where you have to ring up and book your taxi in advance} drivers' do). Most smaller - one town - taxi firms will pick someone up at 11.30pm - maybe 01.30am, if you are lucky, however that would have either had to be booked much earlier in the evening, or when one of their taxis dropped a customer off, at say the station, earlier.

So on being let down by her idiotic DH, the OP would have had to find a firm of taxis that were still open (which could easily be impossible) and ask them to come maybe a 20 minute, or 30 minute, or 45 minute drive to her railway station, to take her home to a property a 5 minute walk from the station!
They would have either laughed uncontrollably at her request, or charged her an absolutely exorbitant- but probably still fair - fare, for doing so. I am not up to date on the rules amd regulations for taxi firms, but it might even be that they are not allowed to choose what amount they can charge, and in that case it would be a firm no from any that she could find to answer their phone in the first place.

By the way, unless it was a very busy station with a manned taxi rank (and maybe even then), if I had been in the OP's shoes - or rather, on her crutches, I would have been too embarrassed to ask a taxi to take me on a 90 second taxi ride - but that doesn't mean she shouldn't have asked one if available, because as others have said, you can be raped and murdered within 50 yards of your front door if there is a sick enough individual hanging around. Unfortunately, more and more of these evil men (this sort of crime is inevitably carried out by men) seem to be crawling out of the gutter.

@Tryhard87 I voted that UANBU, because it was not about hanging on to a grievance that your DH should have given you a grovelling apology for 4 years ago, and done some spectacular making up for - hopefully he did that the next day, but not with sincerity it now seems? You are not being unreasonable for being upset all over again because him finding it funny now, 4 years later, shows that he never really understood what you were upset for in the first place, so any apologies he might have given at the time were worth nothing.

That makes it very relevant today, and although I normally hate vulgarity, some mumsnetters say the phrase

"I would have ripped him a new one"

(I presume they are referring to a man's anus) and in this instance I could not put it any better myself. He deserves having a new one ripped, and to have to defecate through a straw for at least a couple of weeks...

FOJN · 19/07/2022 07:03

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I wouldn't treat an incident where I had let someone down as a joke. If I understand correctly you are more annoyed about him now making light of what he did rather than what actually happened four years ago. I don't think agreeing to meet someone off a train late at night, failing to be there and then staying out all night is particularly funny.

The safety of the area, the distance you had to walk or the availability of alternatives aren't particularly relevant. He could have said no and suggested a taxi when you asked him, instead he agreed and then did what he wanted anyway.

TheLadyofShalott1 · 19/07/2022 07:15

Hi @Tryhard87 My own contribution to this scenario is that your employers should have already arranged for any of their employees who were not driving themselves, or being picked up by someone, to be driven home by a taxi - or minibus depending on the circumstances - obviously at the Councils expense.

I do know that ultimately that means at the taxpayers expense, but I don't begrudge the cost of keeping our civil servants safe, especially when they are doing us all a favour, as in this case.

SunniestSunshines · 19/07/2022 07:17

I think he was in the wrong.

Basically, he let you down.

He agreed to meet you and didn't.

women have been attacked and murdered even when their homes were 5 mins from a station.

He's an arse and that for me would have been the end.

If you can't rely on him to support you in an hour of need, what's the point of being with him?

Set the bar higher.

SunniestSunshines · 19/07/2022 07:19

@TheLadyofShalott1 Nearly all stations have taxis available at 11.30pm. It's a key time for fares as people are coming home from a night out.

SunniestSunshines · 19/07/2022 07:25

@TheLadyofShalott1 People who work for the council are not civil servants. They are local government employees. The Civil Service is something different.

You are mad to suggest they provide taxis paid for by the electorate.

I did that job a couple of times (the council employs temporary workers in elections, paid by the day.) The idea a taxi would be laid on is frankly, laughable.

Would you say the same was expected of anyone finishing work at 10pm? People in gyms, bars, hospitals, theatres, cafes, Samaritan volunteers...

laughable 😂

UserError012345 · 19/07/2022 07:28

YABU to not let it go 4 years later.

Did you address it at the time? Has he continued to be a selfish prick and you've stayed or was it a one off?

What's the story.

SunniestSunshines · 19/07/2022 07:35

UserError012345 · 19/07/2022 07:28

YABU to not let it go 4 years later.

Did you address it at the time? Has he continued to be a selfish prick and you've stayed or was it a one off?

What's the story.

Read the post.

The DH brought it up as a joke 4 years later.

The OP has responded.

MichelleScarn · 19/07/2022 07:41

EmmaH2022 · 19/07/2022 00:49

You wouldn’t come to get him if he was coming home on crutches at night?

So many people ignoring this! Op has said she would do the same as her dh did and wouldn't have met him in the same situation!

MrsClatterbuck · 19/07/2022 07:42

WiddlinDiddlin · 19/07/2022 05:21

I think people are basing their opinions on the idea that you've been seething about this for four years.

I think you'd let it go... thinking he realised he'd fucked up and was sorry.

Only NOW you realise... that whilst in your head, this was an incident where he let you down badly, where you vulnerable, asked for a pretty simple thing from him, and he put friends and fun and gambling before you...

And HE thinks it was a funny thing that happened one time... in his head 'oh hahah remember that time i forgot to meet Tryhard at the station because we were all wasted and in a casino, omg SO funny...'

That massive mismatch in recalling the incident would upset me, even if I'd nearly forgotten it now.

YANBU to be upset that he did that, nor that he thinks its funny now - what you do about it, may or may not be reasonable.

I think I'd have said fairly coldly 'yes, wasn't it hilarious the time you left me standing on a station platform late at night after promising to walk me home because I was still on crutches - it's hysterical when you let down the people you say you love'...

But I can't leave shit like that!

THIS

Quia · 19/07/2022 07:43

What did he think was funny about this story? Was he in "I'm such a lad" mode?

Alleycat1 · 19/07/2022 07:44

I am on crutches at the moment. It is difficult to get around and if I had to walk home alone at night I would feel very vulnerable indeed. If, in these circumstances, my DH had broken a prior engagement to meet me, gone to a casino and stayed out until 6am he would have been an ex-DH for the last 4 years! You are not being unreasonable and for him to bring it up as a 'joke' is despicable. He is a thoughtless idiot.

timeisnotaline · 19/07/2022 07:49

Unsurprisign this is her position now!! I suspect she’d have picked him up 4 years ago. There are many things I used to do for my family and my dh without blinking and then I realised he didn’t notice much less appreciate so I don’t and he has to do them himself now.

itsgettingweird · 19/07/2022 07:50

He IBU to find it "funny".

How is it a funny anecdote "remember the night I went out and got pissed and left you to walk home on crutches alone" haha Confused

I don't think you're unreasonable to have expected him to support you when he said he would. But dependent on safe it was for you to walk it after a long day working (health wise rather than area) I don't think he'd have been unreasonable to say he couldn't in the first place.

It's not about whether you can or not. It's about him breaking a promise and then still finding it funny 4 years later.

And if he finds it funny 4 years later then you are still allowed to be annoyed 4 years later when he brings it up!

MyneighbourisTotoro · 19/07/2022 08:06

I’m amazed at how many woman would happily walk home alone at 11:30 at night, even if it is 5 minutes! I most definitely would not risk that, even traveling alone on a train so late is risky!

prettyteapotsplease · 19/07/2022 08:06

At the very least, he sounds selfish and thoughtless. OK, it was a generally safe area but that's never guaranteed, is it? And you were on crutches. A caring partner would have met you off the train, crutches or not.h.

The fact that he thinks is a funny story puts the lid on it, though. There are actually some decent men out there but he isn't one of them.

MichelleScarn · 19/07/2022 08:15

timeisnotaline · 19/07/2022 07:49

Unsurprisign this is her position now!! I suspect she’d have picked him up 4 years ago. There are many things I used to do for my family and my dh without blinking and then I realised he didn’t notice much less appreciate so I don’t and he has to do them himself now.

She has said she wouldn't have met him.

burnoutbabe · 19/07/2022 08:21

I assume he also didn't tell you he wasn't coming and you had to wait around a while, not sure what was going on before having to conclude he wasn't coming and start walking.

I can't see how anyone could share this story to others as a funny story? Oh you left your wife on crutches to walk home late at night, how hilarious? Wouldn't anyone he told just think -what a shit he is?

DangerouslyBored · 19/07/2022 08:24

Tryhard87 · 18/07/2022 22:28

Okay okay, I recognise now I was unreasonable. To answer the questions and I will exit

no it was prearranged he would walk me home
he was meant to be home at 9 and stayed out till 6

however, I appreciate the power of Mumsnet and sometimes I need a sense check.

thanks all 😀

Actually, OP, YANBU. You had a perfectly reasonable arrangement with your DH and he let you down. A five minute walk it may have been, but the duration isn’t relevant, you were on crutches and it was late. My DH would never leave me alone in those circs. Never.

Your DH sounds like a knob.

DangerouslyBored · 19/07/2022 08:28

SunniestSunshines · 19/07/2022 07:19

@TheLadyofShalott1 Nearly all stations have taxis available at 11.30pm. It's a key time for fares as people are coming home from a night out.

You clearly don’t live rurally.

My local train station and the stations that surround me don’t have taxis waiting at any time. We also have no buses 🤷🏻‍♀️

vegang · 19/07/2022 08:35

MichelleScarn · 18/07/2022 22:32

Was he helping you walk or just escorting you? Why was he 'supposed' to be home at 9, who decided that?

I love your username

GoldenGorilla · 19/07/2022 08:36

@SunniestSunshines - I guarantee you most stations do not have manned taxi ranks at 11.30! Maybe you’ve always lived in big cities? Of the five closest stations to us only one has a taxi rank at any time of day.

A woman on crutches is very vulnerable - no chance of running away, little chance of fighting back. I would not have forgiven DH in a hurry if he left me in that situation.

TheLadyofShalott1 · 19/07/2022 08:38

MichelleScarn · 19/07/2022 07:41

So many people ignoring this! Op has said she would do the same as her dh did and wouldn't have met him in the same situation!

@MichelleScarn I don't think she said that she would have agreed to meet him, and then not turned up. I am pretty sure that she meant she would not have agreed to it in the first place - after all, she would still have had to walk that 5 minutes on her own to the station at about 11.30 at night! But I do wish that the OP would stick up for herself more.

TheLadyofShalott1 · 19/07/2022 08:43

SunniestSunshines · 19/07/2022 07:19

@TheLadyofShalott1 Nearly all stations have taxis available at 11.30pm. It's a key time for fares as people are coming home from a night out.

Hi @SunniestSunshines , where do you live please?

I personally know about 15 stations that don't have taxi ranks at night - it is not worth it for the drivers, and some of them don't have any taxi ranks at all.

Cakecakecheese · 19/07/2022 08:45

I don't think you were unreasonable at the time for being upset that he went back on his word to meet you. I also don't think it's unreasonable to not want him to bring up a time from 4 years ago that he upset you. Why would he even do that? It's not even funny, if someone was telling me that as an anecdote I'd wonder why they were telling me.