Inevitable once parents are over 80

[cheekychatta]

To think that once your parents reach the age of 80 that you unconsciously know that from then on every day is a bonus and that mentally you are preparing for their death ? I have 90% gotbover my dads death and my grandparents but I know I will never accept the death of one of my DC or GC

You do realise that 100% of people will die?

I totally understand OP.

My parents are in their 70s and I am thinking that I probably have 10 - 15 years left with them max.

@VeniVidiWeeWee yes everyone dies. But most people would expect to live into old age. I've lost relatives in their 90s and in their 30s. The older ones are generally easier to accept because they have lived their life. Losing a sibling in their 30s is very difficult to make peace with.

I kind of see what you are saying - you feel like you have been lucky to have your parents for so long when many don't but now you feel as if you are on borrowed time?

No it's just how I have come to terms with dads death so quickly that has suprised me

Yes I know but it suprised me how I accepted his death

I tell myself this but my parents are 80 and 85 and I don't feel at all prepared to lose them. I expect it will break my heart and I can't bear thinking about it. They are healthy now - maybe different when they are not. But yes I do feel grateful they are still alive and well!

When did your dad die though? Was it recently or a while ago? If it's recently it may not have hit you yet, although I suppose if you weren't close maybe you have grieved and moved on. My dad was almost 80 when he died and he was a big part of our day to day lives so I still miss him everyday 3 years later. Everyone's different though, but I don't think in general people that don't grieve much for their parents no matter what age they reach.

I know what you mean. It is very sad. I don't think there is any specific age you can cite, but there is of course a point at which everything feels so much more frightening.

I think of him everyday but have accepted it as the cycle of life . Plus he would have ex been on oxygen and immobile if he had survived and would have hated that . Plus believing in the after life helps . I'm convinced I will see him again x

What a strange reply. Of course she realises 100% of people die. We all know this. However what she is saying is that she couldn't accept her child or grandchild dying. I don't think I could accept it if my child died, I just wouldn't be able to cope.

I agree OP. My DM and I were very close (both only children) and I coped very well with her death, and believe that was because I had mentally prepared myself for it years beforehand. I miss her every day, but it was her time to go - as you said, the cycle of life.

Yes. And covid has made it hard for me to see them as they live in a different country and they're careful about who they mix with as my mum has a health condition.

My parents were young when they had us so for them to be still early -mid 70s whilst I'm in my 50s is quite good compared to many of my friends parents, but I have started recently to feel like we may not have that much longer left. And 10-15 years goes by very quickly!

Having said that a few of my friends husbands have died in recent years. Suddenly or of cancer.

I had gotten used to my friends' parents dying but it is really hard to get my head around people my age dying.

I’ve typed this post many times and still can’t find the right words…. My DC2 was killed in an accident and goodness knows how but I’ve somehow accepted it. I screamed at the unfairness of life, I lay in my bed, I never showered or went out for a long time, eventually I went to church (I was never religious before), I cried buckets of tears and I was angry at the world for a long time.

I completely understand what your saying about parents in their 80s, however, with everyone in my life since the accident I’ve become that person that hugs people a little tighter when we say cheerio. Death can happen in an instant when you least expect it.

My Mum is rapidly approaching 82. I will be upset when she dies, but she will be dying after a life well lived. She will die older and better off than her parents; both her kids in long marriages and well sorted financially, and her three gc are adults.

Unless someone has a terminal diagnosis or has been struggling with life and getting gradually worse over a long time, then no, I don't think you are ever 'ready' to lose your Mum or Dad (or partner).
I'm sure we all now some very spritely folk in their late 80s and 90s who you are not expecting to lose anytime soon.

I do think, once someone has died, then you can accept it more readily, when you can think about them having live out their life and it is much more difficult to come to terms with someone dying young (an this can be at 60 - I don't necessarily mean as a child or young adult) but I think that is very different from sub-consciously expecting them to die.

I’m not sure. My parents are in their 80s but are generally fit and well, but they are likely to outlive me. It’s very hard to think of real, imminent mortality- not in some undefined moment in the future.

Some deaths you never get over though. I remember a friend saying her friend should be over her mum’s death because it was over ten years passed and being perplexed because her friend had said she wasn’t sure she’d ever not miss her. And of course your kids are different but some people never have children, are you saying they’ll never experience grief? Because my uncle is pretty much alone after his mum and dad died. There’s was always a house full of laughter and they used to hike together and go off in campervans. I think it’s a slippery slope when you try to compartmentalise grief and say some people shouldn’t feel the way they do. They’re feelings, 100 percent irrational but life isn’t always rational!!!

No my late seventies parents are very fit and healthy and living their best lives. It’s not like a switch is flicked in two years time. I’d still be devastated. If they get to a point where they are not living their best lives and no longer want to be here, then I’m sure I’ll feel differently.

My mum passed away on 1st July after rapidly going downhill since having Covid in March.

She was 92 and had lived a lovely long life surrounded by her family: husband, me, DH and DCs (we live next door).

I thought I'd mentally prepared for her passing away but when it happened it was like an emotional floodgate just opened which I'm now coming to terms with. A friend also lost her dad that day, two decades younger after a long battle with cancer. She said exactly the same - she thought she was prepared but nothing can prepare you as it's such an unbelievably seismic event.

I lost my dad 3.5 years ago age 83, my mum is 83 now & we have been staying with her off & on since the pandemic started. I have cherished the time we have been with her & also am very glad we were here when she had a seizure due to an irregular heartbeat, we were able to get an ambulance & get her the care that she needed. Thankfully after having a loop recorder fitted & being put on beta blockers she is fine & back to normal, her mind is pin sharp & for 83 she is doing well.

My parents are late 70s, both very healthy and active so I don't think that way, having said that I'm so grateful for having them for as long as I have but I'm nowhere near ready to lose them and will be absolutely brokenhearted when the day comes.

Absolutely OP. Find myself worrying especially on family birthdays etc that this might be the last one. It's ticking away there constantly

Death in older relatives I can accept, but increasing frailty, vulnerability, pain, health problems. I'm going to struggle with those. My dad isn't yet 80 but I can see him heading towards increased frailty & disability & he's going to hate it. My mother died relatively early but suddenly (age 63) She was terrified of a long painful illness before death: I'm glad she got a death that was not a long unpleasant decline.

I have an adult DC with a potentially fatal illness. I try to block that fact out. Nothing I can do but One Day at a Time.

I've found the frailty harder to come to terms with and seeing someone who used to be active and independent deteriorate. In a way I was relieved when they died and it meant that they only had to spend a tiny fraction of their life in that condition.

My parents are 86 and 88. Neither in good health. I know every day is a bonus, and I enjoy my time with them. They are the people I most like to be with.
How I’ll cope when they are no longer here, I have no idea. I don’t think you know how you’ll adjust until it happens.
of course I know they won’t be here forever. I’ve nearly lost them several times, and it was utterly awful. Maybe I’ll be fine after a period of time, I just don’t know.