Inevitable once parents are over 80

[cheekychatta]

To think that once your parents reach the age of 80 that you unconsciously know that from then on every day is a bonus and that mentally you are preparing for their death ? I have 90% gotbover my dads death and my grandparents but I know I will never accept the death of one of my DC or GC

My mother died a few months back after a long dementia battle. She ended up an empty shell of herself, unable to recognise anyone or anything.
I miss the healthy vibrant mum I had before the dementia took hold, but her peaceful passing in her sleep age 86 was a blessing and a release for her x

It's so hard to lose a parent. In my case I was devastated when my Mum died at 70 from ovarian cancer. It was very quick. She left behind my Dad, who became an increasingly difficult 88 year old (everyone always expected that he would die first, given the large age difference). I didn't grieve for him when he died two years later - he was ready to go - and he missed my mum, who had always done everything for him, so much. Having said that now time has passed we just remember them both so fondly and indeed, have modelled our retirement on theirs. Being near our children and grandchildren, enjoying the natural world, making the best of an at best medium income, but topped up by savings. I feel so lucky to have had great parents. As I'm sat here I'm watching my grandson eating his breakfast (his Mum and Dad are in the office today!!!) and thinking how happy my Mum would be for me!!!! She did the same for my daughter when she was little. The circle and cycle of life.

When my father died in his 90s it came as a shock even though intellectually I knew that was ridiculous. I think it was because he was first to go, and having had both parents around for so long I subconsciously just wasn't prepared for that state of affairs to change; also, despite his age, he was fully in possession of his faculties and had a good quality of life. However, my mother also died in her 90s after a long period of deterioration, particularly dementia, and she regularly told all around her that she just wanted to die, so her death was clearly for her a merciful release.

I get what you are saying about getting over your dad's death quickly.
Dmum is 82 and I think I would be the same. Ddad I lost when he was 63 and I was 30 and I found that very hard.

I think it all depends on the circumstances. My dad died 2 years ago in his 80s, and I’ve pretty much come to terms with it, he had a long life well lived. My mum on the other hand was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s at age 57 and died in 2009 at the age of only 67, having had her last 15 years taken from her. I still can’t come to terms with her loss -and even typing that has brought me to tears

I think Prince Charles has been feeling this way for a while.

My darling mum js 84 with advanced dementia. I'm desperate for her to be at peace now, she wouldn't want to be like this.

I agree to an extent. I think it's also about where you are in your own life.

My mum died young(ish) from cancer. 53. i was 23. Even though I wasn't a child I still needed her so much. I had to go through so many life events where her support and presence would have been so valuable, and which most of my peers shared with their mums. Particularly having my first DC was tough. The older you get the less applicable this is, and if anything it often turns around the other way, so you are supporting your parents.

that doesn't mean you don't care and don't grieve losing parents later of course, and everyone is different, but I do think it's a slightly different situation.

I lost my lovely older sister completely out of the blue to cancer six years ago. I'll never get over it.

DF died 8 years ago in his early 80s after 9 months of illness. DM has had dementia for 5 years and can't really speak, but always smiles, although I'm not sure she knows who I am so we've "lost" her already but her body is still here. She's been so resilient that it'll be a shock but a relief when she finally joins my dear dad.

I often talk about this with friends. I envy them the very simple, loving relationships they have with their mums. I adore my mum and I'll be heartbroken when she goes, but she is a very difficult person and there's a tiny devilish voice inside me that thinks 'one day you won't have to deal with this'. Will this make me feel even worse when she does go, I don't know.

My mum says among her own friends, she knows three women who were utterly sick of their draining, grumpy husbands but who felt they were too old to leave. Those three friends have taken widowhood the hardest, and have struggled the most with making a life for themselves after losing their husbands.

I’m consciously trying to spend much more time with my currently well, 80 year old parents. I’m very aware that things may change suddenly, and it won’t be for the better.

My mum lived to 92. Her last couple of years were not great; she lost so much personal autonomy and was constantly and chronically ill in many ways. I felt relieved when she died as she was starting to just exist rather than live. I don't want to live on endlessly myself if I am in that situation. I didn't grieve my mum like the way I grieved for my amazing sibling who died young. That was a decade of deep grief, another decade of coming to terms with life without him, and then acceptance. I have fully got over his death now, but that took a long time.
We are all different; grief is very personal.

I totally get it - I think losing an elderly relative is more "acceptable". You can get your head around and find your peace with it. Losing someone so young however is a different kettle of fish - we lost my niece when she was 8 and there is no peace to be found there, its just wrong and heartbreaking x

It’s really hard to cope with loss at any age, particularly a parent, loss is part of life and the most difficult part of getting older, losing the people you love.

My DH lost his dad when he was in his teens, after many years of ill health, DH never takes life for granted. We sadly lost his mum last year. Very upsetting to see her decline, it was a relief for us all when she died, her suffering was over, but to move on has been hard for us all, we miss her so much. It takes time and lots of it.

I lost an awful lot of family members in their 40s, my mam was one of 7 and is 1 of only two (much younger brother from 2nd marraige is the other) left all 5 others died in their 40s (as did most her cousins).

I suppose both grandparents made it to their early 60s though.

My mam has now survived her 40s (amazing given her agressive cancer diagnosis she got in her 40s and the many life changing surgeries but shes a fighter) but is in terrible medical health her stubborness might make her live forever though lol.

80 is celebrated as a miracle in our family, only ONE member of our family in our family tree has lived that long.

Life can certainly end long before then.

I lost my mother at 82 and my father at 88.

Although he was older, my father was harder because he had been (mainly) healthy until he had a massive stroke from which he never recovered. Both his parents had lived to their mid 90s and we expected him to do the same. My mother had cancer, so we were more prepared for her death.

They both died over 8 years ago and I still think of them often. My siblings and I often have conversations in which we say eg "Wouldn't Dad have loved this".

loss should be loss but your totally right there is a sliding scale.

Old people are suppose to die.

Middle age people like in my family not so much but at least they lived their life (had decades to do what they wanted, get married, have kids, have careers, luxuary travel etc...)

But when its kids its tragic... anyone under 16 has even started to live 'their' life properly so utterly tragic (and still tragic for many years after that age too as they have only just began life).

It depends on the nature of the death too though ,my uncle died a few days ago ,and whilst he was 86 ,he had, had a nasty accident a few weeks ago that led to his death, he was in a coma etc ,it's been very traumatic for l his family ,I think a peaceful death ,where someone just passed away in their sleep would be far easier to accept .

I agree.
I lost my partner in my 20s and it nearly destroyed me. I still cry for him some 16 years later.
My parents are old, my mum nearly died last year, which I was unprepared for, but I'm now more used to the idea she will leave me at some point.
My Dad? Honestly I'm almost surprised he's still here.
There's a natural order and if someone goes early it's a lot harder to deal with.

i imagine the parents in these position feel the same
live today as they might not get a chance tomorrow.
my dm has let slip certain attitudes that show this, she is 87 but in good health. has long genes (100+} in her family

i was thinking the same actually about my own dh,
which is sobering

This is similar to my experience. I lost one parent in my teens and the other in their 80s. They were both devastating losses, in their different ways. Maybe the second was harder than it might have been because of losing one parent so young?
I was surprised at how hard I found the second loss (and still do).

I lost my father when he was 91 and I had been praying for him to die because he had had Parkinson’s for 35 years and he was permanently bed ridden for the last 6 months of his life and he was existing rather tan living. My mother died when she was 85 of a heart attack. She had a DNR form as her life was starting to be limited and she did not want to have to go into a care home. I was with her when she died and the paramedics were there when she died and made it quite clear they should not resuscitate

My aunt, my mother’s sibling, is suffering from dementia and although I was devastated when my mum died I am so glad that she went suddenly. I know which way I would like to go.

on the other hand my son had kidney cancer three years ago, he is fine now, but I don’t think I would ever have got over it if he had died.

@BellaLab