Inevitable once parents are over 80

[cheekychatta]

To think that once your parents reach the age of 80 that you unconsciously know that from then on every day is a bonus and that mentally you are preparing for their death ? I have 90% gotbover my dads death and my grandparents but I know I will never accept the death of one of my DC or GC

Yes i know what you mean. There is complicated grief and uncomplicated grief, and when someone is old and has had a good life and is ready to go, it's sad but you can move through the grieving process less painfully than if it's someone young or if there are regrets, no warning etc. I found my grandmother's death very easy to grieve as she was suffering with dementia and i was expecting my first child - it felt like it was time for her and she went easily.

We are all terminal cases, after all, and when I talk to my parents now I just try and have a good chat and a laugh with them and feel lucky i can still pick up the phone and hear their voices.

I get it, op. My parents are late 70s and dad has dementia. He’s slipping away and I know that in the next 5 to 10 years he will probably die. He’s lived a long and full life. That’s always going to be easier to accept and come to terms with that the death of a much younger person, or a sudden or traumatic death.

My mum is mid 70’s, my dad approaching 80. I don’t generally think about them dying to be honest. They don’t seem like “old” people, they are both active and get out and about, go on holiday etc. However last year we lost my MIL and FIL with a few months of each other. Neither were expected to die/weren’t I’ll so it hit home a bit then that something simple can make someone older very ill, very quickly.

I went to a 'death cafe' with my terminally ill best friend a few years ago - it was really a space to talk about death, grief, fears with other people. I found it really helpful - a lot of this stuff doesn't get talked about much.

Same here OP
My DDad had COPD and in the last two years of his life he really deterioated .
He died in 2019 aged 77 but what upsets me so much, and my Mum who was in bed at the time, he fell in the kitchen, broke his hip and was laying there for many hours . That really upsets Me.
Like your DDad mine was also on Oxygen and he hated the feel of the mask on his face . I know it sounds bad but I am glad he did pass in 2019 and not 2020 We could at least visit him and, in the end, my Mum was alone with him in a private room .
I also believe there is an Afterlife. It helps .

People don't understand life expectancy!
In the UK it's c 80 AT BIRTH.
Once someone is 80 their life expectancy is 10-15+ years depending on health/lifestyle.

Of course they do.
I am late 50s. If one of my peers lets me know one of their parents has died since I last saw them, I obviously say how sorry I am to hear that, but, for me - who never had a relationship with said friend's parents, it is just a thing that you expect to happen to parents who are likely to be late 80s or in to their 90s. That is the 'life expectancy' of people in the UK. If one of them told me their sibling / partner / child had died I would be thinking "how terrible" because it is not expected that people in their 50s and early 60s - or younger - die. None of us expect that to happen. Of course we all know people who have died young, but in life generally, you expect your peers to live as long as you and you expect your parents to die long before you do.

A school mate died in a swimming accident at age 16 after having done his o levels. Such a waste life, still think of him, he was such a vibrant character at school. His family had just come back from a holiday to Italy. Left everyone devastated. Grief like that stays with you, the unfairness of it.

My Dad 83, lost his older brother the other day. My Dad is the last remaining one out of 5 brothers and 6 sisters. I wouldn't like to know what is going through his mind now.

M you Dad was in hospital and the medics were talking about transferring him to a hospice Dad insisted that wanted to come and be with my mother. He hated the idea of a hospice so I took on the medics and won.
He died after 2 days, holding my Mum's hand, out of pain thanks to MacMillan nurses coming in. He fell asleep and drifted away
I was sad but also relieved for him. I get what you mean about your father hating the oxygen etc I was close to my Dad but knew he had dodged a bullet by slipping quietly away. It lessened my grief to think of it like that.

I think it's not really the age THEY are when they go, but the age YOU are when they go, I lost my 70 year old dad when I was thirty, and in the 17 years since it's the constant thought that I'll live longer without him, than with him. My mum is 85 and generally well, but sometimes I do think, do we have five years left..ten? They had me and sister relatively late, and it helps if I think that they had a huge chunk of fun life and experience before we were even born

I lost both of my parents 4 months apart during Covid, so I couldn’t even visit them until at almost the end.
My father was 98, had been retired for 40 years but done very little to enjoy his early retirement. He went from being fit to dying in 2 months.
My mother was 95, in very poor health and quite frankly she’d had enough having been in very poor health for years.
I haven’t grieved for either of them. That sounds harsh but neither wanted to carry on living, both were miserable and my father had been wanting to die for at least 25 years.
I think it depends upon relationships, age and health status to a large degree, as to how you accept the inevitable or not. I’m a retired nurse so pretty pragmatic about death and dying. I also have a severe, life-limiting health condition.

My closest friend is 73 and is convinced he won't me around much longer. I really don't want to hear it!

That's the thing. If they are generally healthy and mobile it is harder to accept than if they have life limiting conditions.

I think we are unable to divorce grief from a sense of tragedy so it makes it easier to ‘get over’ the death of a old person who has led a full life.

My mum died when I was a teen, very suddenly and left small children. It was awful. My grandmother’s death was welcome in the end as she suffered so much.

My Dad died last year aged 72 (this Friday will be the 1st anniversary) and he died from Covid.
He went from a father/Grandfather who was just starting to realise he was getting old, still working (his own business), fully engaged with family life, only once been ill in his life (flu when he was in his 20's) etc - to die 10 days later.
I think what caused all our family the most difficulty, was that we expected him to get through Covid, we expected him to come home. Don't get me wrong the doctors and nurses involved with his care were amazing - we received updates every single day, and when we were there for his end of life visit, they were very kind and respectful.
I know the medics couldn't have done any more for my Dad, but I think for us because we couldn't visit (apart from the end of life visit), it was all very surreal, and even once we knew how ill he was and he wasn't going to recover - but the picture in all of our heads, was a man he was healthy and living life just days beforehand - we didn't see how ill he was, because we couldn't visit. Also we couldn't visit my Mum as my Dad went to hospital, as she had Covid too.
So for us - it was traumatic and a shock.
I think if my Dad had had declining health then it would of been easier to accept. I also think that if we'd been able to visit beforehand, it would of been easier to accept.
I miss my Dad terribly every day

My DM died of cancer when she was 58, I was 27. Although we had our ups and downs, it took me a long time to come to terms with it.

My Dad could have died 5 times. We are currently on round 6, he has prostate cancer and we dont know whether it has spread. His care needs have increased greatly. He is 83, part of me is of course terribly sad and I know I'll miss him massively if/when the worst happens. Another part of me is grateful for the extra time. At the moment its a waiting game and I'm splitting my time between where I live (South London) and the North West with difficulty.

This thread reminds me that my grandmother cried out, begging God to take her, as soon as possible, many times in her last illness. I definitely value quality over quantity.

@PolarCub I am really sorry to hear that, i can hear the grief in your voice and it is a sad way to die. My friends mam also died of covid and again very healthy and then died a week later, it is such a shock. Anyway, just wanted to say sorry for your loss.

@fairycakes1234
Thank you