Inevitable once parents are over 80

[cheekychatta]

To think that once your parents reach the age of 80 that you unconsciously know that from then on every day is a bonus and that mentally you are preparing for their death ? I have 90% gotbover my dads death and my grandparents but I know I will never accept the death of one of my DC or GC

People don't understand life expectancy!

In the UK it's c 80 AT BIRTH.

Once someone is 80 their life expectancy is 10-15+ years depending on health/lifestyle.

My DPs are in 70s but active in good health. Unless they have a sudden event like a heart attack or stroke or develop cancer they have a very high chance of living another 15-20 years.

This is why it's so important to have health checks esp blood pressure. Both of mine are on pills for high blood pressure. If this hadn't been detected and treated they would be at much greater risk of sooner and sudden death.

Also it's important esp for men to go to the GP as soon as they have any symptoms such as bleeding, lumps, weight loss, enduring cough, etc.

Avoiding investigation of symptoms is a huge cause of early death.

i think stopping smoking surely is the best thing anyone can do

I do agree with this, especially after last year. I lost my dad at 60, just as he was preparing to retire and enjoy his next 20 years doing all the things he couldn't do while working, and finally making use of all the money he'd saved up for his retirement.

3 months later my DP's grandfather of 90 years died. He was a huge part of their family and it was the first time many of them, even DP's parents, had experienced the death of a close relative. I have to say I found that very hard, especially as DP's grandfather had retired at 60 and travelled the world; he'd had an amazing last 30 years of his life that my dad never had the chance to have, also leaving my mum on her own not able to experience that with him.

If someone has lived to 80 or 90 and had the chance to live their full life, for me it makes it easier to deal with their death.

My Mum has dementia so the woman that was my mother essentially died in her early 70s.
I have another mother now, a mother that I love dearly but she's not my mother, if you see what I mean.

I'm not sure how I'll react when she dies.
She's 80 now, the dementia is worsening & she's getting more fragile, immobile.
I don't know how much she is aware of.
I hope death will be release for her.
I take comfort in this.

When my MIL died aged 92 I was poleaxed with grief. It surprised me as she'd been a difficult woman but I loved her anyway. My own DM followed 18 months later and I accepted that better as she'd had dementia and it was a release, but still it's a big thing when your last surviving parent dies.

I used to think like this. I used to think I don’t want my parents to turn 70 coz in my family most have died in their 70s. Turns out I was wasting my time worrying as my dad died of a cardiac arrest in his 50s. My grandparents died when I was a teenager. I just try to appreciate everyone as u literally never know the minute !

I think I know what you mean. I lost my day when he was in his 50s, after a short and aggressive cancer. My mum is now 70 and seems to be getting weaker every year. I find my self imaging her not being around and getting sad. I think it's my brain consciously/unconsciously preparing for her eventual death, after the trauma of losing our dad so quickly.

I know what you mean. I lost a parent last year when they were aged 70. And it was only then that I realised that subconsciously I had 80 in my head as a decent life span. I feel like my mum missed out on a decade of her life. And similarly I guess any year over 80 - in reasonably good health - I’d see almost as a bonus, seeing as it’s denied to so many people.

This is the best advice, second best advice is not drinking too much.

Third best advice, being slimish.

Yep. Don't get why anyone married/partnered and/or with children would smoke. Wouldn't they want to stay healthy for their loved ones?

Well death is inevitable for everyone

But 80 is still young these days, I've often thought my Nan would outlive me and my DH! She is far more active at 75 than I am at 32, vegan, looks a good 20 years younger than she is too, still goes to theme parks, whips her boobs out at a naturist beach and has a health sex life.

When she hits 80 I'd be surprised if I thought her days were numbered

I miss my dad, who died at 89, but I don’t feel the sheer pain I still feel five years after my friend died in her early fifties. My friend never got to see her youngest leave school and go to university and will never see either child marry and have children. That really hurts and always will do.

I miss my dad’s observations on life and politics but I can smile at the memories of him.

I agree.

I think from 76 onwards you start to realise they’re getting closer to 80 which is classed as elderly.

Its horrible and it’s depressing.

I did with both my parents (and one was relatively young)

I grieved for them but life did go on.

Totally agree with you OP, my Dad is 92 and every day i call him i wonder if he will answer the phone, every time i walk through his front door i hold my breath. I have been this way since he got to 80. These days i only take 3 or 4 night holidays in the U.K in case he becomes ill or dies and i need to get back quickly. Every day he is here is a blessing.

Yes mine are late 70s and I think we have all been lucky to get this far! I try to be grateful for that but there is an element of “what will be will be” with them now and both seem fairly accepting of that

a young person - it is a different thing altogether

Yes definitely

@BellaLab

My (probably...) Father died aged just 22.
My Mother just died aged 84.
My partner just died. He was 72.
My Dad is 88, having heart issues.
My best friend is 74 (prev malig melanoma, currently okay)

People dying young & unexpected is harder than older & expected. Usually...
But it's just HARD in any circs.

My Dad died very suddenly just after turning 70. It was a huge shock.

Grief is so complex, had he lived to be 80 he would have seen his grandchildren grow up to adulthood and all of my siblings into
their 40s which would have removed one layer of awful grief. It is hard knowing what he’s missed out on.

Why do you feel the need to be clever?

It hit me overnight, that once I had this strong, healthy father and the next he is in his late 70s and he isn't that person anymore. Im moving to be near him as I want to spend as much time as I can with him, life's too short not to.

my dad is 90 and in hospital with chest infection at the moment, when i see him in hospital i always get a shock because i am seeing what everyone in the hospital sees, an old frail man almost on his way out, when he gets out of hospital (and he has done thankfully lots of times so hopefully again this time) and he always seems to look better, false teeth back in, glasses on, talking and eating better but i know i am kidding myself a bit. Ill miss him terribly when he goes, but i am preparing myself for it.

What was the alternative to accepting it though?
I lost both my parents within a very short time of each other, both had a horrible few years before they passed away and frankly mixed in with the grief was an enormous sense of relief that they weren't suffering anymore.
My dad had dementia for a long time and by the time he died it was almost as if I'd already done all my grieving, he was lost to me way before he actually went.

Maybe it makes a difference how old you are and how much 'experience' of death you've had already from friends or relatives dying? For parents to be over-80s that means you have a certain amount of life experience already too?

Unlike a lot of my friends, I've already lost quite a few relatives (all grandparents by the time I was mid-teens, my Dad in my 20s, best friend and someone at work in my 30s, close friend v suddenly last year, along with several more distant elderly relatives in my 20s and 30s). I was very upset about my Dad for a couple of years but equally he'd had a horrible last few months and I can't help wishing, if he'd got to go that young, he could have gone quicker. I lost him nearly 20 years ago and I do still think of him often but don't miss him any more - my life is so different now and he never saw where I lived or met DH or DD. I don't know if my (and his) Christian faith helped with that - I feel like I know where he is?

I do sometimes wonder how I'll feel about it when my Mum dies. She's late 70s and beginning to show signs of decline (and to be more demanding!). But we're not close and we don't see her often (few times per year) so it's not like it would make any difference to day-to-day life.