To send child away to relatives to access small class sizes?

[BelleMarionette]

Cross post from Sen board to get more replies

Currently, my DC who is 7 with autism is in a state mainstream school, and isn't coping. There are over 30 in a class, and they are finding the noise and overcrowding unbearable, and as a result are not spending any time in the classroom, due to disruptive behaviour. School time does not result in any learning as a result. They are intelligent but behind in all areas.

A private school has recently opened near a relative and they have small class sizes (under 10). It sounds ideal.

Unfortunately, logistics wouldn't work with them staying with us and attending school, so they would need to stay with relatives.

Financially, it would be a stretch, but possible.

Am I crazy to consider this?

Currently, I feel like I'm left with no option, as school is letting them down so badly.

What does your DC think? Have you put the idea to them?

Many children attend boarding schools so the concept of living away for education isn't unreasonable. What I'd be more concerned about is how the relatives will cope with your autistic DC and what happens if they find this too big a challenge later down the line- what is your back up plan? How many years are you expecting them to home your DC before you move closer to DCs school? Are you contributing financially to the relatives for increased living costs of your DC being there? When will you see DC?

I’m really not sure it would be good for anyone in the situation especially the child. But I get you’re desperate.

have you exhausted talking to the school and senco? Would they not provide a 1-1 TA if behaviour is so bad your dc isn’t in class? I get you might have to fight for it but school should surely be doing more? My sister works as a 1-1 TA for an autistic child like this.

failing that are there no private schools near you or small village schools (obviously thjs is very location dependent). I moved my Dd from the nearest primary to a smaller state one 5 miles away where there were only 7 kids in her year (12 in her class).

Could you move?

*to house your DC

Does your child have an EHCP? Are there other places that he could try near you?

I guess the question isn’t just about finance. Will your DS cope with not living with you day to day. If he’s struggling in school will he struggle without you, in order to access a smaller class. If you think he will cope with disruption and moving between home and your relatives then that’s good.

If your child is this disruptive, the private school may not take them anyway.

Do you have a diagnosis of SEN? An EHCP? Your best bet is going down this path - privately if you have the money and applying for funding for 1:1 like a PP suggested.

What does your relative think? My in laws are pretty hands on with grandkids, but no way would they be happy having them Monday - Friday!

Would your child cope not living with you? Could you home educate? Thousands of parents with neurodivergent children do, build an education that fits your child.

It’s not an option I would consider.

What do the relatives think? Are they also up for ferrying your child to other kids' houses for parties at weekends, after school clubs etc?
And would they stay home from work when your child is too ill to go to school? Will they help with homework? Will they make an Angel costume the night before the nativity play because your child forgot to tell them? Will they go to parents' evenings for you? And sports days, and concerts?
It's a HUGE ask of anyone.

Is a new private school going to want to take on a child with special needs who’s failing at school, and is your child not going to be traumatized at being sent away like this?

It’d surely be better to move yourselves for a better school, wouldn’t it?

would your child not find being uprootes and living away from you more stressful than the current school situation.
Do they know the relatives you are planning to dump them on?

In my experience private schools can be dreadfully Ill equipped to deal with SEN. Add on to this parents of other pupils complain about any disruptive children so you and your child can get ostracised quite easily as they are paying for their children to be educated. The parents are often unaccepting of any differences that may negatively impact on their own children . Many private schools care more about their wider community ( fee income/ reputation) than they do about individual SEN.

What does your relative think? Were they the ones that suggested it?

I understand your frustration and desperation but I’d never have sent my son away (he went through similar in mainstream before getting a place in a special school). Education is important but you are even more important to him- chances are he won’t settle well in this new school if he is apart from you.

Depending on his needs, a small class doesn’t automatically equal the right learning environment. My son along with other children, have been moved around a few times within their special school to try and make sure each of them are in the right class setting for them and their needs.

I think you’re desperately clutching at straws here. Sending any child away from home at 7 is a huge decision likely to have lifelong repercussions. Your child clearly needs better support in school, but this isn’t the solution.

I wouldn’t/couldn’t because my similarly aged autistic child would be beyond devastated to be apart from the family, especially me - if I go away for an overnight trip he gets very distressed and his behaviour suffers. I value his education but not at the expense of his mental well-being. I’m not sure a private school would accept and accommodate my child (he’s very academic but also quite difficult on occasion), unless it was a specialist private school. And I don’t think any of my relatives would have him practically live with them - it’s a massive ask.

Have you looked at other state provision? Does he have an ehcp, does it need reviewing, is school providing what is specified?

I can’t really see this as a sensible solution.
I would have thought that all the negatives of being taken away from home would out-way any benefits.
Others are right, unless this new school is a sen specialist school it’s unlikely they’d be well equipped to know how to help your child. I’d be fairly wary of a brand new private school in any scenario.
If you can afford school fees can you not look around more locally for more appropriate provision? Is the class size really the only issue or is it simply that he’s not getting appropriate support?

Aren t there any special schools that would suit locally, or ms with a specialist unit?
the move away from family sounds traumatic.

Of course you aren’t being unreasonable, but would your child be up for that? Would your relative? Or is there anyway you could move. Or is there another solution.

Investigate everything - including actually going to see this school (if it’s only just opened is it even registered??).

Yes, this.

Private schools are often - not always, but often - the worst places for children with SEN. Not least because, sadly, the attitude of other parents is often very much that they've paid for the privilege of having their DC educated in a SEN free environment.

(There are some private schools near us where it's generally acknowledged amongst the local community that SENCO basically stands for 'Special Educational Needs? Chuck Out!' )

It does depend very much on the individual school and some will be a lot better than others but from what you have posted, OP, it would be a huge risk. And that's before you even think about the trauma of a socially and emotionally vulnerable child having to live apart from their parents.

Sorry, OP, this probably isn't what you want to hear. But children with complex needs require a lot more than small class sizes to enable them to access the curriculum effectively.

Sorry the school is letting you down. It's very tough.

I think before making such a huge move I'd consider other options: apply for EHCP immediately using guidance to ensure application is as good as it can be and hire a good lawyer with SEN experience for support to drive it through quickly.

I'd also look into schools more local to you / alternative school- type environment for Home Ed kids.

Personally I would rather move myself to get my DC into a suitable school than send them to live with relatives.

We don't have an EHCP. I am talking to the school about applying for one. I have had years of being told there was no issue by the school, when quite clearly there was.

The issue is the class size and noise. We have no 121, and as far as I know, that wouldn't be possible without an EHCP.

I'm willing to consider special schools but I'm not sure what is available for a child who has no learning difficulty, but just behavioural issues. Academic achievement is poor due to not engaging in learning, not ability.

Moving to be near the private school isn't an option due to affordability, otherwise I definitely would do.

DC knows these relatives well.

Obviously we are yet to hear from OP but I'm assuming it's not just "any" private school if she's willing to make such a big move. There are fo example many alternative private schools which are open about suiting / attracting a lot of kids with SEN as they're naturally a better fit eg more child led, quieter, smaller etc.