To send child away to relatives to access small class sizes?

[BelleMarionette]

Cross post from Sen board to get more replies

Currently, my DC who is 7 with autism is in a state mainstream school, and isn't coping. There are over 30 in a class, and they are finding the noise and overcrowding unbearable, and as a result are not spending any time in the classroom, due to disruptive behaviour. School time does not result in any learning as a result. They are intelligent but behind in all areas.

A private school has recently opened near a relative and they have small class sizes (under 10). It sounds ideal.

Unfortunately, logistics wouldn't work with them staying with us and attending school, so they would need to stay with relatives.

Financially, it would be a stretch, but possible.

Am I crazy to consider this?

Currently, I feel like I'm left with no option, as school is letting them down so badly.

canary this is the problem, they are not having a good time. The report from the class teacher is of a child who is very disregulated and unhappy every day, who cannot learn, and is removed from the classroom to stop their behaviour from preventing others from learning.

The whole idea of the alternative school is that it has an alternative provision that doesn't force children to 'fit the mould' in the same way that state schools do.

If he can’t cope with his current school then how will he cope being uprooted to live with someone else that isn’t his mum?

I think your dc needs a stable and safe home life more that they need to be at that school.

Yes I self funded. I know I’m very lucky to be able to do this and it’s a terrible lottery, it breaks my heart.

I saved for 3 years, I expected to pay fees for 2 years but the ehcp was granted at end of our first year in the send school.

I understand why you want to consider this, but I really can't see it working. I know my DC would find being away from me, their primary carer far more traumatic then a bad school. There is no way my Autistic DC could cope with this, they'd be scared and meltdown and stop functioning.

@BelleMarionette

If you think their function is poor now you’ll be horrified by the effect of sending them away.

It’s an insane idea.

I think sending a 7 year old away from parents is going to cause trauma. You should also understand that a private school can turn round at any time and just say she is not welcome back next term. And they do so. It's a precarious position to put your child in.

We have searched a wide area for SEN schools and talked about moving, giving up work to home school, or one parent staying temporarily near the school during the week. But no, I would draw the line at sending a 7 year old away.

If you do pursue it, start by visiting the school and several others more local to you first. A move to a different state primary might make heaps more difference than you think, either to a different big school or a tiny one. And cast a very wide net for private schools. Some of the most suitable might not need to advertise (eg look up the small school movement)

No. Don’t send her away. The school maybe better than where she is now, but not living with you would have a huge detrimental impact-however well she knows these relatives.

Sending her away is only going to make that worse. I know how desperate you can get for an answer, grasping at any answer you can. There is nothing that will be a quick fix here. The other options PPs have given, pushing for an EHCP searching locally for a better school, posting on SEN board for a better school, talking to SENCO about how they need to support your child so she can attend and learn at school, they are all things that might help in the long term. This won't.

None of my Autistic DC would cope being sent away. ND or not no 7 year old will understand they're being sent away (in their eyes) to help them. At best they would be deeply hurt by this, at worst they could be traumatised, think you don't love them, think they're being sent away because they were bad. Unless there's a big drip feed like they'd be moving even with other parent this isn't going to help them. Even if they're moving in with another parent, they might think any or all those things I've mentioned. You want to help them, you need an answer, but this isn't it.

I'm in Australia so probably a bit different but I have found private schools are often underfunded with specialist teachers.
Moving away could cause more behaviour issues. Being separated from parents can be very unsettling.
Is there any possible way you can homeschool for a year and see if there is an improvement?
I have done that with all three of mine and everyone is much happier.

I would not say that it shouldn't be considered at all, but I would try some other avenues. Seven is young to be away from you and it is a lot to ask of relatives.

Home education would probably be my first choice.

So this is what I did for my kids with autism before covid and what I’m putting back into place now covid is finally over with. Your son needs some professional help. He has a medical problem. I can’t believe he doesn’t have an education plan.

1- hire specialist help to get through the public school system. I have an attorney that specializes in special education in the state I live in who advocates for my children. I hear there is free help in the UK for this. Just know that your council are probably lying through their teeth to you. It’s a global phenomenon; no one wants to pay for special needs.

2- Have a therapy team for each child. My eldest has a psychiatrist, social worker who does her counseling, speech and OT. My son has OT and speech. The NHS should pay for this. They will fob you off, be that squeeky wheel. In the US the school district had to cover my out of pocket costs when I sued them for their lack of provision. I was told there was a wait list. Doesn’t matter, they had the budget assigned to them to cover the cost. The therapists decide on the curriculum which is best to address the issues and works with the BCBA. Social thinking curriculum has helped immensely but it’s not for everyone. Your therapy team will do the assessments and figure out a plan for your child.

3- I have a behavioral team for outside of school. I use a BCBA to set the plan and registered behavioral specialist to implement the plan. I also have a nanny to help keep the schedule because I’m human and no I can’t keep up with 3 children, 2 with high needs. You don’t necessarily need a nanny but having family support will help you a lot.

The school you go with has to be a school that works hand in hand with you. We moved the children to Denmark during covid and now are moving them either to the UK or US. Either way, we are going private or home bound tuition by the LEA with a full plan for their educational needs being met. Inclusion doesn’t work for our children while they are disregulated.

All of this is expensive but truthfully it’s more expensive for this not to be provided. In the UK fight hard but with Grace using your elected leaders, MP and council etc. and don’t give up. Appeal and go back later with more assessments and letters from doctors. The Davidson institute have a lot of research articles which prove poor outcomes when insufficient support is provided.

Do not send your child away at 7. They will never get the help they need. There are some boarding schools which work well for certain SEN 13+ but there aren’t many.

I’m reserved, being away from mum (biggest supporter and stabiliser) can create issues.

Sadly things often need to hit rock bottom and crisis point for mainstream education to take action and start to consider the needs of those with disabilities. U.K. State education is very limited and one size fits all.

For a child with autism, moving to larger schools and puberty can be overwhelming. Change can be a trigger. However moving schools can also be positive and help regain confidence.

Any fee paying school would need to be amazing pastorally and have top SEN support. If a new school placement fell though, you’d be back at square 1, needing to go through the same process.

maybe consider alternative education like Waldorf or Steiner schools where the emphasis is on an enriching and more balanced school journey. Academically such pupils have good destinations.

Skim read so apols if missed but...

Have the relatives offered to host your child?

Or have you asked and they said yes?

As it doesn't matter if the child does or doesn't want to go if the relatives aren't even willing.

Personally i wouldn't move him just yet and instead surround him with grounding activities, small after school school art and sport groups where he’s connecting with his environment or himself, singing groups and forest school.

I understand why this option may seem attractive but I feel like 7 is too young to live away from parents. The only situation in which this might work is if the "relative" is the child's father and his partner (assuming you are separated). Then the child would still be living with a parent. If this is not the case I don't see this working (and I'd be impressed if your relatives were actually willing. Taking care of your child essentially full time is a big ask !)

You said you would consider moving but can't due to affordability. Could you find a school with smaller contingents in a more affordable area ?

I think 7 is too young, as its basically a boarding type experience (away from parents). I'm autistic and went to a school away from home because of that and it was amazing and really helped me as I had the same issues of couldn't cope in a normal large school, but i was older, 12ish, I think moving away is quite a lot for a 7 year old.

My DD13 has Adhd and ASD.

The small class sizes in her private school have helped enormously and she is thriving. She boards two days a week.

But this is something I started at year 7 so age 11. There is no way she would be ok staying away from home all week at age 7.

Not unreasonable, though you would need to consider a lot of different things, including what happens if the family member is not able to continue to provide that level of care after you make the move.

I understand where you are coming from. This is the first year my child has thrived and it's partly due to the school decision to run the class as 2 classes most of the time. So instead of 28 students he is in a class of 14.

My child is gifted, dyslexic and has a hearing loss. In a large class he struggles to hear, and until this year (age 10) would then shut down and not talk above a whisper.

I will do a lot to avoid putting him back in a large class environment until he has both caught up in reading and developed better coping skills. So I can absolutely understand someone else doing similar.

I would however look closely at all the options, because I don't know that the one you are suggesting would work for many. You might be the 1 in a 1000 who does benefit though.

You can get funding without a ehcp.school have to fund the first 6k then can apply for additional funding from the la. Before ds had ehcp he got 12 hours 1-1 funded, this then got increased to 18 and then went up to 24 after he got his ehcp.

For me it would depend on how well the relatives could manage with an ASD child.
Both of mine went to private schools (both ASD) and did very well. But when they got home they needed a lot of support. There was the day to unpick, social stuff to deal with and then homework!
Some private schools are good to a point but they will not allow the other children to be disrupted (parent power is strong in paying schools) and can ask children to leave a lot easier than state can.
Also private schools cannot access certain services unless it's written into an EHCP.
So no SALT, OT, or advisory services.
I would be very cautious and wouldn't do it.

On what grounds did your child fail the assessment of additional SEN support? (I remember your appeal)

endless are you asking why we don't have an EHCP for her yet? The school haven't applied for one as they say more evidence is needed.

I have another child with SN who I have posted about too.

You don't have to wait for the school to apply for an EHCP, you can do it yourself simply by sending a letter. IPSEA has a template on their website. At this stage, you are technically applying for an assessment, and the legal criteria are simply that your child may have SEN and may need provision through an EHCP.