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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

That he should have bought me food too

125 replies

hungrybellynomnom · 16/07/2022 13:25

We both wake up, I always get a coffee in the morning, he isn't really bothered by coffee but I ask him and he says he doesn't want one.

I ask to borrow his car, he says no because of the petrol. This annoyed me as it's not a long drive and I top up the petrol occasionally. I say I'm off to get it and going to the gym after. I couldn't go to the gym as the whole road/pavement was blocked off, so I go back home. I see him in his car eating food looking shifty - he had gone out to get food. I was upset that he hadn't offered to get me any or even just call to find out. He switches it on me and says that he hadn't eaten since lunch yesterday and I hadn't offered to feed him, and as I was getting a coffee I wouldn't be hungry (makes no sense), and also that his head was really hurting him so he just had to go out immediately and his final reason was because I was going to the gym, I wouldn't be hungry...

I always consider him with food, always make him meals and if I know he's coming will make sure he's fed. Last night we were both hungry but it was too late to make food so we had snacks.

Aibu to feel hurt he didn't think of me and think he's quite selfish?!

OP posts:

WhackingPhoenix · 16/07/2022 15:10

What?

You went out to get coffee and go to the gym, he didn’t want to do either of those things so he went out in his own car to sort out his own breakfast. Why did you think he should have got you something when you weren’t even there? If you had wanted breakfast, surely you would have just picked something up for yourself with your coffee?

Missbusydiy · 16/07/2022 15:11

So let me get this straight he said you could not use the car - so that’s a minus for him straight away not because of the cost of petrol but because you asked for something and he wasn’t prepared to support your request.

He was upset because you didn’t “feed him” last night and you had snacks - minus for that he’s a grown man ( I think)

But you do know he bought food for himself thus morning only as some sort of idiotic retaliation for no dinner last night so double minus for that

In essence you need to look at his actions, this man does not care for you - next !

Palamon · 16/07/2022 15:11

Set your sights higher than this. It sounds awful.

Dump him. Settle only for someone that respects and values you.

Sirzy · 16/07/2022 15:11

Nanny0gg · 16/07/2022 15:10

If the OP wants to go out and buy coffee she can!

Why are you trying to police what she's allowed to do?

Show quote history

She can.

and if her boyfriend wants to go out in his own car to buy himself some food so can he.

it just all seems very petty

diddl · 16/07/2022 15:15

It does seem as if he wanted the car so that he could get food as soon as you left.

If the coffee shop/gym are walkable, why should you take his car though?

If there was food available to make myself breakfast I woudn't really care that I hadn't been bought something.

aloris · 16/07/2022 15:17

So you both eat together for all meals, and all those meals are at your place. You said in your first post that you cook for him regularly. So are you saying that you buy all the food and cook all the food that you eat together, which makes up all/most of his meals? Does he contribute to buying that food? If not, why not?

TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo · 16/07/2022 15:21

crabbitmaw · 16/07/2022 13:32

He said no to you using his car because he knew he was going to need his car to go get HIMSELF food. Dump him.

But why shouldn't he get himself food if she is going out for coffee and the gym so will be out for an hour and a half at least x

SmallPrawnEnergy · 16/07/2022 15:21

This just sounds like a relationship with terrible
communication or a relationship between two petulant children.

He's showing me his colours and im not ready to LTB now but there are some things about him that I don't like and im not trying to stay in this situation forever!
So you’re wasting his time then? If you don’t lole
things about him and you don’t want to be with him forever why are you playing these games? How would you feel if someone kept you hanging on for a few years knowing they didn’t really like you and we’re just waiting for a better thing to come along?

Absolutely pathetic the pair of you.

Also, the fact you were wanting to drive to the coffee shop / gym which is clearly walkable is kind of ick. There’s a climate crisis and these kind of short trips are unnecessary. Maybe its
Time to do some work on yourself rather than this relationship?

itwasntmetho · 16/07/2022 15:21

I don't think it's okay to cash in your own car and hold it against someone else who does have that expense when they don't loan you theirs.
Unless there's something I'm missing like you share a child, and his car became the family car?

HaveringWavering · 16/07/2022 15:22

I couldn't go to the gym as the whole road/pavement was blocked off

So was the gym closed completely due to no access, or were you just too lazy to walk round a longer way?

Marvellousmadness · 16/07/2022 15:25

Are you both 19? Such drama.
He is not for you girl.
Leave him
Dont see youll leave him later. Leave him now.

BeggarsMeddle · 16/07/2022 15:25

I'm imagining him furtively eating in his car to avoid any food aroma hanging around inside your home and giving the game away.

Seems a bit mean-spirited of him. But then you said you don't see him as a long term prospect but it suits you for now, so...

amicissimma · 16/07/2022 15:28

Why did you want to take his car if the coffee shop is a walk away?

Why did you sell your car if you need one?

Why would you expect him to buy you food when you wouldn't be there to eat it as you said you would be in the gym?

Why do you think it suspicious that he's eating in the car when he didn't think you were around anyway?

Vikinga · 16/07/2022 15:28

I don't understand this dependency on someone else to take you to the gym make you coffee and make you a sandwich. I've done all 3 plus more this morning all by myself lol

CallOnMe · 16/07/2022 15:34

He wasn’t prepared to support your request! WTF!

So if he asks OP to clean his apartment from top to bottom or give him oral sex on tap she’s supposed to do it because he’s requested it?

And no way would I let anyone use my car to buy a coffee that was in walking distance.

BritishDesiGirl · 16/07/2022 15:35

TheAverageForumUser · 16/07/2022 15:02

How old are you? What’s all this “I fed him, he said I didn’t offer to feed him, I always feed him” is he a dog or a baby?

PMSL🤣

Ohhhhladz · 16/07/2022 15:37

It doesn't make a lot of sense overall. Was he upset you didn't offer him something to eat last night or this morning? Would he not normally have said something, asked if you had any food in the house, stopped to pick up something (either for himself or both of you) on the way to your place last night, suggested ordering in or going out (since he had his car with him)? I don't see how he can blame you that he was hungry.

You being totally focused on going out for your coffee first thing is weird and IMO sort of rude, but probably irrelevant if he's used to it. He could have said "I want to get food; let's go out together" as if he hadn't eaten since lunch yesterday he obviously knew he was hungry when the car conversation happened. After you went out alone, I think it was fine for him to do his own thing. You could have picked up something to eat for yourself while you were out. It all seems kind of petty. Neither one of you asked the other if s/he wanted anything, but since you'd split up to your things that seems normal.

Anyway, all you can do is talk it through. But as you know you've unhappy with him for other reasons too, decide if the relationship is worth working on or not. If it's not, don't string him along.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 16/07/2022 15:37

hungrybellynomnom · 16/07/2022 14:39

And I never get food from the coffee shop, he knows this. We would ordinarily sort food together.

He has just said he didn't give me the car today because I was stroppy - which is another bullshit lie because I woke him up with hugs and kisses! He's also now offering to buy me food and take us out in his car and apologising.

Honestly. He's showing me his colours and im not ready to LTB now but there are some things about him that I don't like and im not trying to stay in this situation forever!

You're irked enough that you've written a post about this man with a view to getting opinions. None of these are favourable and most are wondering what you're doing with this idiot.

You're 'not ready to ltb' but, you've 'seen his colours'. What exactly are you waiting for? It's entirely up to you, it's your business but why would you continue in a relationship that is so unbalanced. You 'woke him up with hugs and kises'... and this is how he treats you?

HollowTalk · 16/07/2022 15:37

This is not the man of your dreams. Let him be someone else's pain in the arse.

IncompleteSenten · 16/07/2022 15:37

Maybe it's just cos I'm old and have no patience these days but this relationship does not sound fun.
Relationships are supposed to make you happy, they're supposed to bring extra things to your life that make it enjoyable.

Does yours do that?

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 16/07/2022 15:38

Missbusydiy · 16/07/2022 15:11

He was upset because you didn’t “feed him” last night and you had snacks - minus for that he’s a grown man ( I think)

But you do know he bought food for himself thus morning only as some sort of idiotic retaliation for no dinner last night so double minus for that

In essence you need to look at his actions, this man does not care for you - next !

Petrol is very expensive and OP could walk it. Or maybe he just wanted to take his car. OP isn't entitled to use it simply because she wants too.

starfishmummy · 16/07/2022 15:41

You'd gone out. He couldn't ask if you weren't there.

Maybe you could both grow up and start talking to each other.

Pipsquiggle · 16/07/2022 15:41

How long have you been going out and how old are you both?

You sound like teenagers. Both being insolent, both being petty and concentrating on petty details whilst ignoring the bigger picture.

It sounds you like don't communicate well or argue well - both of these skills are key

MolkosTeenageAngst · 16/07/2022 15:42

I can sort of understand why he was in a bad mood and very hungry of you didn’t eat last night. I don’t understand the ‘too late’ to make food; surely if you’re hungry there’s no cut-off point? Snacks might tide you over til bedtime but that’s probably why he woke up hungry.

Hard to say who was being unreasonable with the car. How far is the coffee shop? If it’s walking distance then unless it’s torrential rain I don’t understand why you would need to drive, with the cost of petrol I’d probably be annoyed if somebody wanted to use my car instead of walking a short distance.

He might not have felt hungry when he woke up and then a short while after you left hunger may have set in, hence him going to get food. If you were meant to be at the gym presumably he thought you’d be at least another 30 mins and if he was at your house he may not have felt able to help himself to breakfast. Did you offer him breakfast before you left for coffee and the gym? If he went to your house and you didn’t have dinner because it was ‘too late’ and only had snacks and then didn’t offer any breakfast and he hadn’t eaten since lunch yesterday it’s understandable he would be hungry and if he thought you were going to be longer due to going to the gym he may have felt too hungry to sit and wait for you. He also probably assumed you’d get home sweaty and need a shower and to change etc after the gym, you could have been another hour or longer before you were ready to go and get food together.

Also relevant, what was the food he got? If it was something massive that was going to leave him not wanting anything for hours or a real treat food you’re probably being reasonable, but if it was something relatively small like a bacon sandwich from Greggs or McMuffin he probably thought he could eat it while you’re out to tide him over and then go with you later in the day to get something proper together.

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 16/07/2022 15:44

Just dump him this is too stressful and pointless.

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