We always get de-prioritised!

[Ohmeohmy1]

Suffering through silent treatment with OH (cause I'm fuming) and need help to either get over myself or see if the way I feel has some merit.

This may be long so please bear with me.

OH has 3 siblings. They were all in serious relationships when we met, had houses, got married and started families very close together.

S1 (sibling 1) lives abroad, 2 kids, aged 9 and 11.

S2 lives in UK, 2 kids, aged 8 and 10.

S3 lives in UK, 3 kids, aged between 4 and 10

S4 (my OH) lives in UK, we lived in rented for 5 years then bought a house and got married 3 years after latest sibling did (by this point all but one niece/nephew were born. Started trying right away, got lucky but unfortunately I MCed at 9w. Then followed a hard infertility struggle for 3 years, but eventually we managed to complete our family. Got 2 beautiful DC now, aged 6 months and 3 years, which I'm thankful for every single day!

Now to the problem:

As my OH is the youngest, is considered a "screw-up" by the others who would always plan stuff between themselves and tell us to come at a set date and time. This has always bugged me as I'm incredibly organised (eldest in my family) and want to have some input, we got lives too! After the children came along this doubled as whatever we were doing wasn't considered "important" and all had to be according to feeding, sleeping and whatever times and we should be flexible as we didn't have children.

The sibling that lives abroad visits UK every year (Covid excluded) and does the rounds to see and stay with family and friends. In the first few years of our relationship they would stay with the others as we didn't have a house (so was apparently complicated) and we would have to travel to meet up with them for a few hours.

Once we bought our house they would come and stay for a night, then go to S2 for a couple of nights or so then to S3 for a bit longer as their mother lives around that way too so could spend time with both. The excuse that was given was to spend time with their new nephews/nieces. Again this has been bugging me as felt less worth cause we didn't have children.

They have only met our eldest once and that was when we went abroad to see them.

Fast forward to this year and plan was we and S2 get a couple of nights then MiL gets one night and S3 gets 3 nights. Happy days!

Last night I find out MiL can't host as is getting some work done and has recently been abroad to see them plus can catch up with them easily while they're seeing S3 so S2 gets the extra day and night.

So new plan: we get 2 nights, and S2 and S3 get 3 nights each. Don't know if they plan to come late first night and leave early last morning, probably as has been the case every other time so we get barely longer than a day.

Excuse now is the others have children similar ages while ours are fairly young and will struggle to find things to do for the extra day. I'm LIVID!

Hence the heated discussion last night, I feel we are always getting short end of the stick and it's brought up my early loss as if that had worked out that one would be 6 soon, would that have changed things? Feels like we are always being pushed away for not being further on in life than others, but aren't we worth spending as much time with?

OH tells me it's what the reality is, it isnt a competition and it's about the kids and they'd be happier with others same age and when our DC are older we can go see them bla bla bla. But that isn't the bloody point!

For the record we all get along great when together but AIBU to feel this way. It's not a competition or anything but if it was me I would see ALL my siblings equally no matter where in life they are as that doesn't matter and would split the extra day instead!

Sorry for the rant, would welcome some outside perspective.

Not in a condescending way but have you had proper therapy OP? Since your loss? There seems to be some reason why you’re personalising this when actually it won’t be about you!

I have been like you in the past OP. I had very difficult births (NICU) and I felt my children were not prioritised.

You'll find that a lot of this isn’t about them but unresolved anger in you.

Be careful what you wish for

My brain just can't compute this. In your situation I'd be on here whinging about having to spend 2 whole days with the ILs 🙈 I can't imagine ever complaining that guests weren't staying long enough!

I think OP, it's just easier staying with people who have kids the same age - they keep each other occupied, the parents will be used to the annoying habits of kids that age (the mess/noise/etc) - they probably think they're doing you a favour.

I've re-read the OP. I'm at a loss with this gem,
In the first few years of our relationship they would stay with the others as we didn't have a house (so was apparently complicated).

I'm also really not comprehending you being so happy at them spending less time with their mother OP. You sound like you want their UK time to be organised by numbers, not what they might actually want to do.

Unlike a lot of people, I get it. We do a lot of family stuff, and I’m gradually being edged out. There are all sorts of reasons, with kids’ ages, interests and people’s work priorities and so on, but there always have been, and it hasn’t been an issue before. The reality is I’m not as important to them as they are to each other, or they are to me. They have also their own siblings and parents to consider and I don’t. It hurts, but I have to live with it. I would go lower contact, but I have my own kid to think of and my parents don’t bother much with her either. I just have to take what I’m offered. I would like to be proactive and arrange things and invite them along, but they are all fairly high earners and I’m beyond broke. Inviting them over for coffee is my absolute limit financially and no one is going to travel from Europe for that, are they?

This culminated in a holiday which was arranged, between three families. One has fixed holidays, and the other two are coming from different countries and also have to book time off work. Booking it wasn’t a spur of the moment thing. There must have been plenty of discussion on WhatsApp or something over where and when before it was booked, in which I was not included, I was only invited along after it was booked, take or leave it. I don’t have to book time off work, but I would need a dog sitter, and I also have valid preferences. I feel excluded, hurt and ‘less’ and I’m not going. (I can’t for financial reasons. But I’m not sure I would have wanted to anyway. I’m not really comfortable being with people who value me like that. I’m aware this isn’t going to solve anything and it’s always possible I’ve offended them, or I’ve just got very dull or something and I’m not into inflicting myself on people who don’t want me around either. I loathe drama and will not be Having It Out with them, so options are pretty limited and I will need to put my big girl pants on and find myself some good friends)

I just wanted to sympathise. It’s hard when people value you less than you do them. I don’t think there’s a lot you can do about it though.

It sounds like they are closer to the older siblings. I get the point about the kids too I would probably rather stay with more similar ages kids. I think you are taking it abit too personally it's only 1 day different

I’d be delighted if people didn’t stay with me for more than 2 days.
Seriously, just go and visit them for an extra day elsewhere.

OP THIS specific situation doesn’t seem to be a big deal, but as a wider pattern of being ignored…

It’s very obvious when other people expect you to fall in line, instead of planning as equals. And childless people are always expect to be flexible...

They obviously prefer the other siblings and that's okay. Nothing to be livid over.

I think it’s really important to this story that you don’t have siblings or cousins. DH doesn’t and he doesn’t get sibling and ‘big family’ dynamics at all. My gentle observation is that sibling dynamics are often very flexible- they are siblings not friends and there is no need to ‘cultivate’ it in the same way one does with friends.

I think when you married your DH you had married into this idea of a big happy family and you would have kids and slot in. And then it took you a while with a miscarriage thrown in and suddenly you realised that the truth was that families meet each other when they can, and it isn’t this big constantly happy circus.

And you are grieving the idea of the family life you thought you would have.

on a practical note:

1. The visiting family with kids are saints for be uprooting themselves every 2-3 days.
2. It is not hard to understand why they didn’t stay with you when you didn’t have space.
3. It is MUCH easier to stay with people who have kids the same age.
4. No idea (like other posters) what you mean by your lot in life. I suspect it’s what I said before- you had an idea of family life and it hasn’t worked out exactly as you had imagined it and you are grieving for it.

This is not within your DH’s control or his fault.

It would be unhinged for your DH to argue with his siblings over these minor (exceptionally minor) travel arrangements. And I can’t believe you are livid/fuming/giving him the silent treatment.

If it were me I would see ALL my siblings equally

As soon as you said this I knew you didn't have siblings 😂

Siblings often do not have equal relationships with each other. Birth order, age gaps, and personalities will all contribute to how their different relationships develop.

Your DH seems content with how things are - you should be taking his cue. Don't create difficulties where none need be.

This x 10000p

@Ohmeohmy1 It’s not all about you!!!!

You’re not cutting a cake into equal portions here. People are allowed to like who they like.

It’s perfectly normal in families for some siblings to get on better than with others. If I was visiting the U.K., there’s no way I’d stay with one brother because although him and his wife are lovely people, they’re actually unnecessarily fussy and I find them hard work for anything longer than about an hour. In order of preference I’d choose my sister first, then the other brothers in a particular order.

If the other siblings actually prefer spending time with each other and not your DH, just accept it. Your DH has done and it’s his family.

Be happy that they’re planning to visit you for a little while.

Also, from your updates, you might not realise but you sound quite moody. Maybe consider that if your DH wasn’t with you, his siblings might feel happier to spend more time with him?

Gently… I think you are being a bit unreasonable. We have primary school age children and it’s a bit of a nightmare staying with family with babies. We do of course, but I don’t think it’s personal. It’s just older kids aren’t always that aware about babies nap times and then having to be patient with a little one. All important things to do, but probably wise of them to limit to a shorter period. Doesn’t mean they don’t care about you.

I really feel OP is just directing her anger in the wrong place. These are not the people to blame for where your hurt comes from.

definitely seek out therapy

Think you maybe over thinking this, sorry. Visiting family is easier if the kids are occupied so makes sense to stay longer where there are kids of a similar age. They ARE visiting you and spending time with you. I'm one of 4. I visit my sister for much longer than I visit either of my brothers. We have same aged kids but also my sister and i are just closer and our husbands get on really well. Love my brothers and their wives but it's not the same easy dynamic.

This! Hit the nail on the head!

And I'm amazed at the amount of vile and cruel comments here. We know nothing about OP but calling someone crazy, hard work and in need of therapy isn't helpful at all, especially as we got very little information to go on and could do without filling in the blanks ourselves. People seem to forget there is a person behind every post!

Yes, most people don't like their in-laws but OP does and just wants that big family dynamic she lacked growing up. This isn't unreasonable at all!

As PP has said the issue here isn't about who is staying where for how long, it's years of being ignored (due to the OH family dynamic) and this just being another reminder of that fact, hence the pettiness of the situation.

You sound like a very passionate person, OP, but do please try and take a deep breath, take a step back and reassess the situation before bad thoughts run away with you. Easier said than done, still haven't mastered it myself!

Also the "similar age" comment seems to have reopened old wounds and isn't something anyone can do anything about, but it could have been handled better, maybe by saying what some have already echoed ..."don't want to impose on your routines with little ones etc."

Just wanted to offer a different perspective.

This is nothing to do with you and all to do with the dynamics of your OH's family. Some siblings get on better with other siblings.

My DH has 2 DBs. All crap at communicating, the oldest brother usually organises family gatherings and we are usually the last to know so have the least input and influence.

It used to irritate me a lot, more the lack of notice but actually if I took a more active role, it would mean I would have to get involved in their family dynamics and I just can't bothered.

If you want to get more involved in your OH's family and their family get together's, then your OH needs to start organizing events

‘If it were me I would see ALL my siblings equally

As soon as you said this I knew you didn't have siblings 😂

Siblings often do not have equal relationships with each other. Birth order, age gaps, and personalities will all contribute to how their different relationships develop.’
Also, as has happened here, age of dcs. We go to my sister’s house and all the kids go off together and play while we catch up, we go to my brother’s and two children try unsuccessfully to play with kids 7 years younger and the other two sometimes play other times don’t

I think you are being unreasonable to get upset over the two nights issue, but I can understand why as it’s part of a deeper issue. I have something very similar.

I am like your DH, with older siblings who are close to each other, but not as close with me. It’s quite natural - they are close in age, then I’m 6 years younger, so the sibling dynamic is different. It’s logical, but it still hurts.

We were always at different stages of life and had similar experiences with having to do all the travelling once they had children, that kind of thing. We all spent Xmas together a few years ago, but in fact they had arranged it between themselves and I’d been asked at the last minute. It was a difficult few days for me, partly due to the age gap between DD and her cousins (as my nieces and nephews are several years older than her), and partly due to the way I often feel left out when we are all together- old family dynamics coming into play. I also feel that one BIL just doesn’t like me and DH, though he’s always polite to us.

There is also a distance between us and DH’s family as he is the only one to have moved away from his parents, though his nieces & nephews are closer in age to DD.

DD is an only child (not by choice), so I feel sad that she doesn’t have a close
relationship with cousins to make up for the lack of sibling relationship. We had a few years of TTC and I sometimes think that if I’d got pregnant quickly, there wouldn’t be such an age gap with the cousins and I wouldn’t feel as left out of the family.

But, there’s nothing I can do to change any of this, and I’d be really upset if DH was giving me the silent treatment over an issue he had with my family.

Sorry OP but I think you need to chill out. It's one extr day and you're further away from everyone else.

As someone who has to visit their family in chunks it's exhausting and difficult to keep everyone happy.

This sounds way too intense. If they want to come, great welcome them. If they don’t then don’t take it personally as it sounds as though you get on. Make other plans, enjoy your kids. Let it go.

Your h is right- it's not a competition so chill out. Does it matter that one sibling gets an extra day or two? As you say, one of them lives by mum so staying there a bit longer makes sense.

There's so many factors that might go into that decision like which siblings are closest, which sibling has the kids that get along the best, which sibling has the most space, which sibling lives nearest to the airport... I doubt that anybody plans a trip home and divides their time equally between all the siblings and parents. Don't be offended if you get less time than the other siblings.

Sounds like you're making a mountain out of a molehill. Your OH's siblings are staying with you for 2 nights and staying with their other siblings 3 nights. I am struggling to see what the big deal is. I mean, it does seem like the older siblings are a bit cliquish, which can be hurtful, but it sounds like they've always been like this. It's never going to change and, sorry to be blunt, they may simply prefer to be with each other more. Stop expecting them to be what they never will be. Enjoy it when you see them and leave it at that.