We always get de-prioritised!

[Ohmeohmy1]

Suffering through silent treatment with OH (cause I'm fuming) and need help to either get over myself or see if the way I feel has some merit.

This may be long so please bear with me.

OH has 3 siblings. They were all in serious relationships when we met, had houses, got married and started families very close together.

S1 (sibling 1) lives abroad, 2 kids, aged 9 and 11.

S2 lives in UK, 2 kids, aged 8 and 10.

S3 lives in UK, 3 kids, aged between 4 and 10

S4 (my OH) lives in UK, we lived in rented for 5 years then bought a house and got married 3 years after latest sibling did (by this point all but one niece/nephew were born. Started trying right away, got lucky but unfortunately I MCed at 9w. Then followed a hard infertility struggle for 3 years, but eventually we managed to complete our family. Got 2 beautiful DC now, aged 6 months and 3 years, which I'm thankful for every single day!

Now to the problem:

As my OH is the youngest, is considered a "screw-up" by the others who would always plan stuff between themselves and tell us to come at a set date and time. This has always bugged me as I'm incredibly organised (eldest in my family) and want to have some input, we got lives too! After the children came along this doubled as whatever we were doing wasn't considered "important" and all had to be according to feeding, sleeping and whatever times and we should be flexible as we didn't have children.

The sibling that lives abroad visits UK every year (Covid excluded) and does the rounds to see and stay with family and friends. In the first few years of our relationship they would stay with the others as we didn't have a house (so was apparently complicated) and we would have to travel to meet up with them for a few hours.

Once we bought our house they would come and stay for a night, then go to S2 for a couple of nights or so then to S3 for a bit longer as their mother lives around that way too so could spend time with both. The excuse that was given was to spend time with their new nephews/nieces. Again this has been bugging me as felt less worth cause we didn't have children.

They have only met our eldest once and that was when we went abroad to see them.

Fast forward to this year and plan was we and S2 get a couple of nights then MiL gets one night and S3 gets 3 nights. Happy days!

Last night I find out MiL can't host as is getting some work done and has recently been abroad to see them plus can catch up with them easily while they're seeing S3 so S2 gets the extra day and night.

So new plan: we get 2 nights, and S2 and S3 get 3 nights each. Don't know if they plan to come late first night and leave early last morning, probably as has been the case every other time so we get barely longer than a day.

Excuse now is the others have children similar ages while ours are fairly young and will struggle to find things to do for the extra day. I'm LIVID!

Hence the heated discussion last night, I feel we are always getting short end of the stick and it's brought up my early loss as if that had worked out that one would be 6 soon, would that have changed things? Feels like we are always being pushed away for not being further on in life than others, but aren't we worth spending as much time with?

OH tells me it's what the reality is, it isnt a competition and it's about the kids and they'd be happier with others same age and when our DC are older we can go see them bla bla bla. But that isn't the bloody point!

For the record we all get along great when together but AIBU to feel this way. It's not a competition or anything but if it was me I would see ALL my siblings equally no matter where in life they are as that doesn't matter and would split the extra day instead!

Sorry for the rant, would welcome some outside perspective.

OP we have the opposite. DH's brother and his wife don't plan to have children and his parents like to hang about with them and they all do fun child free things so we never get invited to anything with them and they hardly come to see us (but MIL does do the odd bit of babysitting so all is forgiven).

I have no issue with this as they arent my family and DH doesn't get on with them.

I think you are 100% over reacting about how many nights you get though they are still visiting and yes older kids will get on much better with children their own age and the other siblings/cousins will have a much better time without a baby around.

Goodness me, you're hugely overreacting here.

And stop giving your DH the "silent treatment" over some perceived issue you have with his siblings - that's hugely unfair.

Maybe they are organising the trip with their own DC's needs/wants as priority? Spend time with all members of their extended family. Prioritise time with the cousins they are closest to in age and probably have the most in common with.

The kids are on a whistle-stop tour, staying in 3 different places in 1 week. Not much fun at that age. Their parents are doubtless trying to make it as enjoyable as possible.

That's not a reflection on you or your DC. Their itinerary is designed to fit everyone in without overstaying their welcome and yet giving time to each family branch to have quality time together.

Give your poor DH a break.

I think people are missing the detail about OP’s miscarriage, which makes it quite understandable that she took personally the comment about “kids being of similar ages” as hers would have been. Even if the comment was innocuous and not meant that way, it’s insensitive. Either way, you need to ask directly for what you want, otherwise you won’t get it. Try to be clear about what you would like and then go from there, people have wildly different views on visiting and what’s an appropriate or fair amount of time.

(I)… just feel punished for whatever my lot in life is

That’s a bizarre statement.

What’s your “lot” in life? Sounds like you have a husband, a house, and two children. Why are you speaking in such a pegorative way?

I’m one of seven children. Some siblings are just closer than others. I have siblings I don’t spend as much time with as their spouses mean it’s not a particularly nice way to spend my time.

Do you always make every situation about you?

Funny that here on MN most people HATE hosting inlaws. And you are upset that yours don't stay longer.
I have been the visiting sibling and yes, it is so much easier to stay with people whose kids are the same age . I used to bring my kids to visit older relatives and it was tedious all around and I was also dragged around to do visiting.
Don't know why you are so vexed as they are not even your siblings - do you really like their company that much ? Or is it that you want them to admire your position now as parents and homeowners? This happens all the time when friends or family reach different stages of life .
Please dont fight with your DH over this, he is not responsible and he can't change anything.

I'm sorry you're finding this so upsetting. Families are hard. Families you marry into even harder.

I do think you are over complicating things a bit, albeit totally understandable. As a sibling in a similar set up, for me it's honestly all about the cousins seeing each other. I bend over backwards to see my sibs once a year pretty much mostly so the cousins can see each other and their aunties and uncles.

I think it's maybe not as personal as you're making it and just more convenient for the cousins of a similar age.

Your DH is right.

You sound incredibly competitive, keeping track of how long people stay with each sibling - it's not easy settling children in a different house every couple of days but that doesn't seem to register with you at all, you don't care if it's difficult for them as long as you get your turn.

It's not down to your early loss either, you've got a whole alternative life scenario running inside your head about how your life should have been which is stopping you living the life that you do have instead. You are arguing with your DH about your fantasy life, he's got no chance of a win there, OP!

I'd be glad if I were you. Looking at it from their perspective it is easier when the kids can play with others of the same age as they can leave them to it and largely relax, apart from checking up on them occasionally. With your children being younger there is an assumption that you'd need to do things around nap times and baby feeding schedule which their kids are past. Not fair of course but that's probably how they feel.

For you it's one less days hassle to host so I would look at it like that. What I do understand is being married to the youngest. My dh is and whilst he was a bit of a screw up when younger at the age of 43 most definitely isn't but his brother is still seen as the responsible one. This too irks me as I'm the eldest of 4 and highly organised, plus dh has grown up and matured as people do.

At some point you are just going to have to accept their family dynamic or withdraw from it (I think that would be extreme). I think you should just be a lovely host which it very much sounds like you will be and have lots of fun with them whilst they are at yours. You can't force people to engage beyond what they wish to.

They probably dont like you id say.
Or maybe they like s4 the least and on top of that dont like you?

I wouldn't bother to try to connect anymore tbh. Fuck them. You dont need them. Be happy. And yes you thought a big family would b nice. But it isnt
Make your own big family op! Being eachothers family doesn't require having blood relationships with eachother.

Giving your DH the silent treatment over this is petty.
If he doesn't care, why should you?! Agree you are being over-sensitive and over-controlling.
My local Dsis sees my other sibling (lives abroad) more than I do. When ex-pat sibling comes over, they stay with local Dsis. This doesn't bother me. I still get to see them!

Gosh, 2 nights is long enough surely? If DH isn't bothered then go with it.
You can't make families something they aren't.
It's certainly not worth the silent treatment.

Sounds like you just like controlling people.

Your DH isn't bothered by this but you seem to have this dream of it being like the Waltons or something? Just let them get on with their lives, stop drawing up league tables of who sees each other and when, and stop sulking.

I’m struggling to see why you’re overthinking this - they are your husbands’ siblings, so surely if he hasn’t a problem with it, there isn’t one. And I’m also struggling to see why you’re being given the silent treatment.

I think you are making what is in effect a fairly sensible choice (closer age siblings close aged cousins) a personal decision

How on earth can you split that one extra day equally?

You are involving yourself in something that isnt up to you.

What are the genders of the siblings?

I think you’re overthinking it and if your husband isn’t that bothered by it then not sure why you are.

It is nice you like your in-laws but if your brother is not out out about it all, or is resigned to it, then being offended on his behalf seems a little counter-productive.
I can understand if you feel a little used, or relegated in priorities, but as many hate hosting it appears you are the exception: many of us would be heaving a sign of relief that we only had a couple of days!
As the designated screw-up/black sheep myself, I sympathise with your other half, but I would lose no sleep over it.

I don’t spend an exactly equal amount of time with all of my siblings. Honestly the difference between 2 and 3 nights is negligible and if they are only down for 8 nights there is no way to divide that equally by 3 siblings. Also I think it’s reasonable that they want to spend less time with you considering you have a very young baby and a toddler when their children are older. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with your children but it is likely that their children will get on better with their cousins of a similar age and that it will be easier to find things to do and they may also be worried about disrupting your routines with a very young baby and toddler and about having to be quiet during naps/ bedtimes etc.

Theyre your DHs siblings and if he’s happy with the set up that’s fine and it’s unreasonable for you to be trying to create drama or a feeling of resentment/ unfairness where it’s not needed.

put out

Why are you forcing relationships that don’t exist?

People make effort when they want you in their lives. You’re an option for them. Accept it and make your own way.

Stop trying to force it. They probably just don't like you guys as much and that's absolutely fine!

I'd focus on relationships that are reciprocal.

Kudos for the sibling to do an annual tour of the UK visiting everyone. That sounds gruelling, no matter how lovely you all are.

For the record we all get along great when together but AIBU to feel this way.
YABU.
These are not even YOUR siblings, stop focusing on who gets what time & just chill, & enjoy the time you have.

It's not a competition or anything but if it was me I would see ALL my siblings equally no matter where in life they are as that doesn't matter and would split the extra day instead!
But it's not you.
And clearly you DO feel it's a competition. As above - they're not even your siblings, & if DH isn't bothered I can't fathom why you are.
Stop pettily obsessing over half-days. Stop giving DH a hard time.

If you decided to be fuming with me because you want to micromanage my siblings arrangements, I'd find it hard to communicate with you too. I'd want to shut out your noise.
What TF do you expect him to DO about it?
Why are you winding this situation up into such a giant fuss about nothing? Can you not just follow DH's lead, & stop giving HIM grief about the way his siblings choose to visit him?
Has it not occurred to you that he might not even give a shit how long they visit for? Why are you making a mountain out of this molehill?

I think the overseas family are fantastic for visiting all the family members. Having been the people living abroad (when we lived in different countries) and still are as dh is foreign, it is really tiring to always be the ones to visit and traipse round. You’re really not seeing this from their pov.

You cannot change this. How much time do you spend with the other siblings? Perhaps you could change that.