We always get de-prioritised!

[Ohmeohmy1]

Suffering through silent treatment with OH (cause I'm fuming) and need help to either get over myself or see if the way I feel has some merit.

This may be long so please bear with me.

OH has 3 siblings. They were all in serious relationships when we met, had houses, got married and started families very close together.

S1 (sibling 1) lives abroad, 2 kids, aged 9 and 11.

S2 lives in UK, 2 kids, aged 8 and 10.

S3 lives in UK, 3 kids, aged between 4 and 10

S4 (my OH) lives in UK, we lived in rented for 5 years then bought a house and got married 3 years after latest sibling did (by this point all but one niece/nephew were born. Started trying right away, got lucky but unfortunately I MCed at 9w. Then followed a hard infertility struggle for 3 years, but eventually we managed to complete our family. Got 2 beautiful DC now, aged 6 months and 3 years, which I'm thankful for every single day!

Now to the problem:

As my OH is the youngest, is considered a "screw-up" by the others who would always plan stuff between themselves and tell us to come at a set date and time. This has always bugged me as I'm incredibly organised (eldest in my family) and want to have some input, we got lives too! After the children came along this doubled as whatever we were doing wasn't considered "important" and all had to be according to feeding, sleeping and whatever times and we should be flexible as we didn't have children.

The sibling that lives abroad visits UK every year (Covid excluded) and does the rounds to see and stay with family and friends. In the first few years of our relationship they would stay with the others as we didn't have a house (so was apparently complicated) and we would have to travel to meet up with them for a few hours.

Once we bought our house they would come and stay for a night, then go to S2 for a couple of nights or so then to S3 for a bit longer as their mother lives around that way too so could spend time with both. The excuse that was given was to spend time with their new nephews/nieces. Again this has been bugging me as felt less worth cause we didn't have children.

They have only met our eldest once and that was when we went abroad to see them.

Fast forward to this year and plan was we and S2 get a couple of nights then MiL gets one night and S3 gets 3 nights. Happy days!

Last night I find out MiL can't host as is getting some work done and has recently been abroad to see them plus can catch up with them easily while they're seeing S3 so S2 gets the extra day and night.

So new plan: we get 2 nights, and S2 and S3 get 3 nights each. Don't know if they plan to come late first night and leave early last morning, probably as has been the case every other time so we get barely longer than a day.

Excuse now is the others have children similar ages while ours are fairly young and will struggle to find things to do for the extra day. I'm LIVID!

Hence the heated discussion last night, I feel we are always getting short end of the stick and it's brought up my early loss as if that had worked out that one would be 6 soon, would that have changed things? Feels like we are always being pushed away for not being further on in life than others, but aren't we worth spending as much time with?

OH tells me it's what the reality is, it isnt a competition and it's about the kids and they'd be happier with others same age and when our DC are older we can go see them bla bla bla. But that isn't the bloody point!

For the record we all get along great when together but AIBU to feel this way. It's not a competition or anything but if it was me I would see ALL my siblings equally no matter where in life they are as that doesn't matter and would split the extra day instead!

Sorry for the rant, would welcome some outside perspective.

What did I just read?

They're coming to you for a part of their stay.
How have you managed to fall out with your DH when they aren't even your siblings?

I'd apologise to your DH and move on with your life.

I would leave them to it. They are making an effort to come from overseas to see you all that should be enough. There kids are too old to be actively interested in your kids and to be honest they won’t have much in common do arranging activities that they all enjoy is nearly impossible. It’s nice you want to have a good relationship with them and you do but won’t continue too if you start trying to control who they see and we’re they stay on there holiday. Dh family is big and they are always arranging things together. We rarely get invited or if we do it’s an after thought. I don’t care nor does dh. We have our own kids, good friends, good jobs and a nice family life. That’s what’s important.

This is ridiculous. Siblings can be closer to some than to others. It's not as if you're being completely excluded.
Organise occasions yourself and find places to meet up if you want to spend more time with them.

Honestly your reaction is odd. You’re fuming and are giving your DP the silent treatment because he’s not upset that his siblings aren’t staying exactly the same time in each place? You sound very immature and controlling and your communication strategies and expectations of others are unhealthy.

you may benefit from grief counselling as you seem to conflate your earlier pregnancy loss with what his sibling is currently doing

You're being ridiculous OP.

It's not a competition but boy are you making it one.

I'm the sibling who lives overseas.

I will stay with whoever is convenient, more relaxed or I feel more welcome.

When the kids were small that was my in-laws. That's not possible any longer.

These days it's one of my sisters.

Nobody cares. We all meet up and get along.

So you get two nights the other siblings get 3 nights and one set are also accommodating seeing the mother? This doesn't seem unfair to me are you really that upset by one night difference? Maybe your husband doesn't know what to say as you seem to be making a huge deal over nothing. It's not a competition. Is your family like this counting the exact days spent with each other?
When my gran comes to visit the section of our family that live in our area she always starts with us and visits the others. We have a large spare room, so she doesn't feel she is putting anyone out, we're happy for her to potter off and do get own thing, we are also happy to accommodate larger family gatherings BBQs etc so people can see her too. Honestly I am also the eldest grandchild and closer to my gran than any of the others in that I keep in touch with her regularly, even more so since my grandad died and we also make trips up to see her and to support her activities etc.
None of the wider family mind at all, they all get to see her she treats is all the same when it comes to Christmas, birthdays etc. My SIL said to me last time so you want us to take a turn so you don't have to be lumbered with the hosting every time, I explained it isn't a burden or inconvenience to me I like having her around, but if they wanted to host this time they were very welcome to, the offer was gratefully retracted.

Giving him the silent treatment because you don't like how he deals with his family is really controlling. Get over yourself.

I can’t believe that you’ve fallen out with your OH over this, poor guy. It’s literally not even his fault!
FWIW most MNers see the silent treatment as a form of abuse.

Do you make an effort for see the other siblings the rest of the year?
Do you ever go and visit the ones abroad?

Some siblings are closer than others and it’s obvious that they would want to spend more time with their nieces and nephews and parents.

It’s not like they’re not staying with you at all and then spending weeks with the other siblings.

Honestly OP if you come across as this hard work to them it’s no wonder they spend less time with you.

Why not arrange to meet up with all of them on one of the days they stay with the sibling that’s close to the mum and other sibling.

If you want to be involved with the family (which is great) have you thought about moving closer to his mum and other siblings, then you’d get to see them much more often and spend more time when the other sibling comes over?

You've got major issues.

Even your narrative about being the eldest but then saying you have no siblings or cousins.

Sorry to say but I'm wondering if his siblings find you to be hard work.

I agree with seemingly everyone that you are taking this far too personally and creating an issue where there is none.

However, OP it seems to me that this is very connected to your sad mc for you - almost as if there is another you in another life who would have had a six year old child and who maybe would be great friends with their cousins. I’m very sorry for your loss and I echo another poster who suggested that counselling could be extremely helpful to being to process some of these feelings.

Honestly I don't see an issue with it. It's nice they're coming to see everyone for 2 nights each. Think you're massively over thinking the whole thing.

This is a non-issue and you are being strangely competitive about it. I think they are being very accommodating by moving between families on their visit. When I go home (I also live abroad), I tend to just stay in one place and take day trips out to meet family! I think your idea that siblings need to split time fairly among other siblings is incorrect. That is something that parents do with their children. It isn't part of a sibling dynamic. It is entirely normal for some siblings to be closer than others. Your DH gets this. Listen to him.

Siblings are not friends, they are siblings. It’s not your DH’s siblings job to like your DH, or to like you. It’s your job to be polite and civil to them, that is all. You are reading WAY too much into all of this and you sound utterly clueless about what family relationships are to many people.

They sound like twats. Why on earth do you want them to stay for longer? I'd be suggesting they just go straight to S2.
I don’t think they sound like twats at all! I think fair dues to them for moving about like that to different houses- it sounds like hell to me!!!

Also want my children to develop relationships with their relatives.

You aren’t going about this the right way. You can’t force relationships by obligating people to come and visit you. You can visit them or invite them but you absolutely can’t demand it.

Suffering through silent treatment with OH (cause I'm fuming) and need help to either get over myself or see if the way I feel has some merit.

If that's the question:

1. You need help. I just feel punished for whatever my lot in life is. This is not a normal reaction to in-laws staying at your house 2 nights and another house 3.

1. Your viewpoint has no merit. You're sucking the joy out of what should be a happy occasion for your husband.

And as an extra, "fuming" over this is beyond over-reacting. And giving the silent treatment to your husband over something he has no say over and isn't bothered about is totally unreasonable. Are you expecting him to ring round and demand they stay longer at yours. If you can't see how out of order that would be, you've really lost grip on proportionality over the issue.

@Ohmeohmy1 sorry but you are being unreasonable here. You’ve constructed a narrative to explain your feelings and constructed a conspiracy about their deliberate avoidance of you and now you are cherry picking incidents and comments to shore up this construct. Totting up the nights stayed at each house as a way of working out the pecking order if totally irrational. The result? You are upset and LIVID, no one else is worried.

I think it’s great you were excited and positive to become part of a large family and it sounds like you get on well with them on the whole but they are not responsible for your expectations. It is very likely that the stage of life they are at (ages of children etc) is relevant, but that’s not a personal sleight. It seems to me that you’ve decided they see you as having less value and you agree with them, hence your anger. It’s this you need to change not other people’s B&B arrangements. If you don’t it will start spilling over into your relationships in a very visible way (if it hasn’t already).

This is basically what I was going to say.

This is your DH's problem, not yours.

Siblings are not friends, they are siblings. It’s not your DH’s siblings job to like your DH, or to like you. It’s your job to be polite and civil to them, that is all.

I wonder where does the idea that the siblings don't like each other comes from? The one who lives abroad cones home every year to see their 3 siblings and mother. Yhey stay at the siblings houses - not in a hotel. According to op they all have a great time together.
The youngest of the family often get treated as the baby while the older ones do the organising. It's just the dynamics you grow up with. Why would she just want to downgrade the relationship to polite and civil when she likes them and gets along with them well?

I haven’t read through the whole thread but your post reminded me of my 4 year old who needs to have exactly the same treats / tv time etc as her sibling. It’s not a competition. Enjoy the time you have with them!

I think you are massively overthinking this and need to let you. Firstly, they are not your siblings. If your DH is fine with the setup, it should be fine for you.
Secondly, who seriously counts out days spent together and compares. I live abroad from my family and spend time with who I want when I go home. I dont count out days to make it even. It's their holiday, they can see who they want.
Thirdly, maybe the sibling is closer with the other siblings than his youngest sibling and I definitely think the age of everyone's children does play a role.

Also - holidaying with your kids isn’t a proper holiday as you must know by now. Having other kids close in age who play well together is a MASSIVE advantage so I’d personally stay for longer in someone’s house where my kids would have company (their age) and would leave me to relax / chat with adults.

You’re massively overreacting.

I'd be delighted to have them for less time!!!

Less cooking, less fussing, less overall trampling through the house etc.

I'd be THRILLED they only wanted to stay 2 nights.

What planet are you on OP?

So what if they like the other sibs better? That's fine.

Way to make this all about you.

Have you got enough other stuff going on in your life? And also why use this as a yardstick of your 'likeability'? Or whatever you've decided you need to prove?

Are you suffering from low self-esteem? It sounds like you don't have enough to think about and are getting hung up on trivial family matters.

OK, the whole 'they're only staying with us for two days and the other siblings get 3, wah wah wah ' - not important. Really.

But - "As my OH is the youngest, is considered a "screw-up" by the others who would always plan stuff between themselves and tell us to come at a set date and time." That's important.

1. Why do they consider him a screw-up? Being youngest doesn't make it so.
2. The planning (joint / family?) stuff without asking when works for you - have you pointed out to them that you need to be involved in the decision-making?

As others have said, your siblings in law's behaviour sounds normal.

From your messages, it feels like you're still carrying a lot of pain from your MC (as you brought it up with you DH), and potentially this distribution of their time (because it's to do with children's ages) leads you to reopen that wound and mourn the life that child might have had, and the relationship they might have had with their cousins.

Thus the anger you feel towards your DH and his family is a reaction to the pain of the MC.

This is completely understandable, but it's important to understand that there might be some channelling of emotion here, which isn't entirely fair to project onto your in laws.

I know what it's like to long for a big family, be part of one through a partner - but always to feel as though your place in that family is slightly unstable or secondary, because you're not a "blood relative". Perhaps that also compounds this feeling of loss that is generating your anger.

Detangling these feelings is difficult and complex. Grief isn't something that goes away, we somehow learn to live with it. But it's worth acknowledging that process goes on forever. I hope this perspective helps.