We always get de-prioritised!

[Ohmeohmy1]

Suffering through silent treatment with OH (cause I'm fuming) and need help to either get over myself or see if the way I feel has some merit.

This may be long so please bear with me.

OH has 3 siblings. They were all in serious relationships when we met, had houses, got married and started families very close together.

S1 (sibling 1) lives abroad, 2 kids, aged 9 and 11.

S2 lives in UK, 2 kids, aged 8 and 10.

S3 lives in UK, 3 kids, aged between 4 and 10

S4 (my OH) lives in UK, we lived in rented for 5 years then bought a house and got married 3 years after latest sibling did (by this point all but one niece/nephew were born. Started trying right away, got lucky but unfortunately I MCed at 9w. Then followed a hard infertility struggle for 3 years, but eventually we managed to complete our family. Got 2 beautiful DC now, aged 6 months and 3 years, which I'm thankful for every single day!

Now to the problem:

As my OH is the youngest, is considered a "screw-up" by the others who would always plan stuff between themselves and tell us to come at a set date and time. This has always bugged me as I'm incredibly organised (eldest in my family) and want to have some input, we got lives too! After the children came along this doubled as whatever we were doing wasn't considered "important" and all had to be according to feeding, sleeping and whatever times and we should be flexible as we didn't have children.

The sibling that lives abroad visits UK every year (Covid excluded) and does the rounds to see and stay with family and friends. In the first few years of our relationship they would stay with the others as we didn't have a house (so was apparently complicated) and we would have to travel to meet up with them for a few hours.

Once we bought our house they would come and stay for a night, then go to S2 for a couple of nights or so then to S3 for a bit longer as their mother lives around that way too so could spend time with both. The excuse that was given was to spend time with their new nephews/nieces. Again this has been bugging me as felt less worth cause we didn't have children.

They have only met our eldest once and that was when we went abroad to see them.

Fast forward to this year and plan was we and S2 get a couple of nights then MiL gets one night and S3 gets 3 nights. Happy days!

Last night I find out MiL can't host as is getting some work done and has recently been abroad to see them plus can catch up with them easily while they're seeing S3 so S2 gets the extra day and night.

So new plan: we get 2 nights, and S2 and S3 get 3 nights each. Don't know if they plan to come late first night and leave early last morning, probably as has been the case every other time so we get barely longer than a day.

Excuse now is the others have children similar ages while ours are fairly young and will struggle to find things to do for the extra day. I'm LIVID!

Hence the heated discussion last night, I feel we are always getting short end of the stick and it's brought up my early loss as if that had worked out that one would be 6 soon, would that have changed things? Feels like we are always being pushed away for not being further on in life than others, but aren't we worth spending as much time with?

OH tells me it's what the reality is, it isnt a competition and it's about the kids and they'd be happier with others same age and when our DC are older we can go see them bla bla bla. But that isn't the bloody point!

For the record we all get along great when together but AIBU to feel this way. It's not a competition or anything but if it was me I would see ALL my siblings equally no matter where in life they are as that doesn't matter and would split the extra day instead!

Sorry for the rant, would welcome some outside perspective.

Crikey you have two young children and presumably work as well? I’d be thanking my lucky stars I didn’t have to host for longer.
However much I like people I’m always glad when they go.

I think you're taking on the hurt of your kids (who don't realise or notice that they aren't spending equal time with their cousins as other cousins are).

I have a suggestion - instead of coming to stay with individual families, can you, during your time with the family, work into conversation that you think it would a fantastic idea next summer to ALL book a place to stay (somewhere that has individual lodges for example or mobile homes) that you each take a mobile home and you get to spend a week all together? All the siblings, all of the cousins, the whole family on tour so to speak?

See what your OH says to something like that before dropping it as a suggestion to other relatives, and your OH should drop it into conversation.

If it works out well (and it might), it might be something that could be arranged regularly. Let the cousins hang out together while they are still young.

Sorry, you sound a bit controlling and crazy to be 'LIVID' about this. They're staying with who they like, it's entirely up to them. They don't owe you an equal amount of time. People get on with different people differently, siblings and in-laws included. Don't make this an issue. Listen to - and fgs talk to - your DH, who has better perspective. Silent treatment is shitty. Get over it.

My DH is one of 4 sibs and the youngest and I feel lucky that he has 3 older sibs who organise and arrange stuff. We do as we're told and have a lovely time.

YABU
Far too much drama on your part. It's DH's family and you are causing all this drama about nothing.

I get the stress and drama from your posts, maybe this comes across in real life?
We had a favourite exsil who we saw way more than the others, just because they're relatives doesn't mean they're all equal.
Just chill

Look if you want to see them more go see them while they are visiting others. It’s not a big issue unless you want it to be.

If it weren’t for the fact that they are now divorced, I’d honestly think you were my (ex) SIL.

she kept score like this whereas I’m utterly socially oblivious. Apparently my inability to stick to her unwritten rules on visit allocation and how we spent the time whilst visiting was so beyond the pale for her it was one of the factors that helped drive a wedge in their marriage.

i mean we did wild shit like only visiting for a couple of days over Christmas, because I was just getting over a traumatic birth and had PND. Then I wanted to, sit and read quietly for a few hours and not be on my feet playing bloody charades again.

Your husband is right. And you really need to stop the silent treatment, that is just horrible of you. There is absolutely nothing to be angry or even annoyed about.

Enjoy the time you have with them instead, and I can say that if my dh gave me the silent treatment over something like this I would probably reconsider our relationship.

I have read this 5 times and I am still at a loss as to why you are upset or livid.

Really weird.

They probably don't want to stay longer with you because you're so intense and competitive!

I bet the rest of the siblings haven't even totted up who spends the most nights where...

Of course a 9 & 11 year old want to visit their 8-10 year old cousins rather than spend extra nights with a baby and toddler. It's supposed to be a holiday for them too.

I'd be thrilled because I hate having people stay so it is hard for me to see the upset but obviously it upsets you so I'm sorry for that. ^^

Sorry but I wouldn’t be this desperate for my in laws and their kids to stay at my house! If they’re closer to the other siblings, it makes sense for them to spend longer at their home, it’s not a put down to you.

you're over reacting and you're DH is right, the visiting siblings will be happier with their similar age cousins.

I'd be glad I didn't have to host for long.

As an almost only child I think you are imagining being left out of a perceived Waltons get together big family get together.

We were recently invited to holiday with one of DS’s siblings & their family. We get on incredibly well, but DH and my immediate reaction was hell no. Our youngest is now a teenager and we have absolutely no desire to do a week in the sun with a three year old, no matter how fond we are of her.

families with older children will find it easier with people whose children are a similar age. Your DH’s family aren’t avoiding you, or deprioritising you, they are planning what will work best for them.

Crikey OP, is something else deeper going on here? I agree with a pp, I think you’re still harbouring resentment about your lost child (absolutely understandable, been there myself) but being livid about your in laws spending one less day, 24 hours less with you than others is a bit extreme. Understandable to be disappointed absolutely! But think logically, if you were travelling to see 4 different lots of family would you not want the easiest time - I would. Easiest right now might be spending that bit longer with kids of the same age! 10+ year olds aren’t necessary interested in 6m old. And perhaps they don’t want to be governed by meals/naps/early bed times. That’s ok!
they’re still coming to see you! They’re making time for you.

i don’t think you’re being “punished” for your lot in life (also, lot? You have 2 probably gorgeous children) just a few years behind your in laws. It’s just the way it is! Try not to take it so personally and enjoy the time you have with them when they are there x

You have got to get over this, OP.

If you want people to enjoy spending time with you then don't count nights and get grumpy because other peope "get" one more night than you.

Make them feel welcome whenever they visit with no pressure to do so or to stay. The more relaxed the visits are, the more everyone will enjoy them.

A sibling or in law getting livid because I spend one more night with x than them, is going to be told to grow up and is much less likely to ever see me, Too much hassle, too much drama.

I think they probably just don’t have as much in common with you and DH due to age gap and feel more comfortable with the others. Have you looked into what they are interested in doing so that after their stay this year the kids have so much fun they just demand to go to yours next year?

you definitely shouldn’t be falling out with your DH over this as you are creating a rift between him and his siblings that he probably doesn’t feel

You sound charming.

I understand your disappointment but I think YABU. S1s DC will naturally want to see the cousins they know over much younger ones that they don't. Also because S1 is the eldest and your DH is the youngest, they are probably not the closest of the four (seems like there's at least a 7 year age gap as there's 5 years between S2 and S3). If I was S1 I would probably come up with a similar arrangement purely because I would have an easier time staying somewhere where my DC had same age cousins (and age appropriate toys/games) than trying to keep them occupied in a house with much younger children and arrange activities around toddlers and babies. I imagine it is hard in a situation where your children are younger and therefore only have one cousin within striking distance age wise but that's the reality of it unfortunately. They may become closer as the older ones get much older (DD is 4 years younger than her cousin and it didn't work when they were 11&7 but great now they're 14 and 10 as cousin enjoys playing big sister).

I think you should listen to your DH on this.

I also think if you have this grievance about how your family unit "always comes last" and "it's not fair" they will sooner or later be able to sense that and it will just drive more of a wedge. No one wants to go spend time with family out of obligation rather than pleasure.

I'm very sorry, but YABU.

Listen to your husband on this take your cues from him. These are his siblings. If he isn't that invested or fussed about it, you shouldn't be either. Make your own circles. If plans with his family come up that suit you, go! Enjoy! But if they don't, don't feel bad about just politely declining.

And don't let on to your children as they get older that this bugs you so much. Don't put that on them.

I must say I'd be positively grateful for not being expected to provide so much free hospitality to freeloading in-laws.

You need to get over yourself. If you say "it's not a competition" why are you treating it as such, as in you feel like the loser because you don't get the extra night? They're still staying with you 2 nights as planned.

Stop adding up the times and focus on having a nice time when they are with you.

I've a friend and her and all her siblings live abroad. She is the eldest and her parents definitely see her the most / stay with her most / are closest to her kids (eldest grandchildren). I do sometimes wonder if the others care. I suspect they don't.