Doing "nothing" around the house?

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If IABU I'll welcome any advice on how to improve.

I'm on maternity leave with DS (6 months). DH works 5 days a week (not from home). We have no local family support and I have chronic mobility issues.

DS has some physical health problems and has lots of hospital appointments, health visitor checks... But he's developing well and meeting the milestones it's possible for him to meet. I organise his appointments and DH comes to the ones he can get time off for. DS also has daily exercises to do and I take him out every day to an activity or for a walk or to run errands with me.

DS is very attached to me and doesn't cope with not being carried or able to have contact with me. He doesn't nap (like, he wakes at 7am and that's him up until 9pm). He sleeps overnight but needs regular checks because of his health. DH doesn't wake for these so I do them all as well as all feeds (BF).

The other day DH said he feels he does everything at home and I do nothing. He said he has to do all the cooking and cleaning and laundry and washing up and he needs me to do more because the house is a mess. Thinking about it, he is having to do a lot of these things. I don't feel able to cook with a baby in a sling on me - I often spill things and it doesn't feel safe. The other things, I could help but by the time DS has gone to bed, DH has already done them. He doesn't like leaving things until later and I don't know how to do the things safely while carrying DS. DS hates bouncers and things like that. Basically he's attached to me for almost all the time he's awake.

AIBU by not doing more around the house? I've been thinking that I was doing ok and prioritising DS's health and development but I think DH might have a point... If IABU, what can I do to improve?

Use a sling, make easy food like jacket spuds and salads or chuck something in the slow cooker.

Are you literally not doing anything?
In the early months I think the other partner should shoulder a lot of the housework, it takes a long time to adjust to a baby. But at 6 months in there’s no reason you can’t stick a wash on with the baby in the carrier or run the hoover around.
If any partner is doing near 100% of the cooking and cleaning it is going to cause resentment.

I do think you should be doing more. My ds suffered with severe colic and then reflux so I get how exhausting and stressful it is to have a high needs baby. But I can't believe that your ds doesn't nap at all during the day?
Maybe both sit down and work out when and what you are able to do? A weekend day would be a good day to prepare for the week ahead as there is both of you.

Is his not napping related to his health conditions? At six months old, not having any naps is very unusual, especially when he's also up so late. He must be absolutely exhausted,

Aside from cooking, stuff like laundry, cleaning is doable with baby in sling. Can he sit upright in a high chair? Is he starting solids yet?

For cooking, slow cooker might help as one of you can do that in morning and it'll be ready for whenever you are ready for dinner in evening.

If DH really is doing everything around the house then I don't think he's BU to want it to be more shared, just as it wouldn't be reasonable for you to do every single thing around the house either.

Or one of those slings that goes on your back, papoose back pack thing? Will Ds sit in a bouncy chair for 15 mins? Putting a load of laundry in should be simple enough even one handed holding a baby.

Reply "funny you say that because I feel like I do all the child rearing, I'm doing all the night checks, all the feeds, all the carrying, all the nappies." Honestly how do men not see how much we do? And then when they have half a day looking after the baby it looks like you've been burgled and it's "I've been looking after the baby all day!" Does me bloody nut in!

Make simpler meals, put ds in a sling and do small tasks? Laundry can be done at night. Your dh seems to be doing alot aside from working a full week, so I can see resentment building and I don't blame him. Do you really mean your ds doesn't nap at all? That is quite unbelievable.

it is ok to put him down and let him cry for a while , he has to get used to not being in permanent contact with you. It will be distressing but he won’t come to any harm

Baby gym, walker, playpen, even if he grizzles for 10 mins its enough time to do something, and yes batch cook at weekends when DH can take baby.

Work on your DH doing more childcare first. It does sound like you're getting to do all the parenting/being close to DS and he's doing all the more menial house stuff. It will be better for all of you long term, particularly DS, for them to have a close relationship, so work on that as a matter of priority. Once that's established and you can switch DS between you, then you can also switch the house stuff between you as well.

I'd also start to work with DS on being able to play on the floor for brief periods of this is appropriate with his additional needs.

You need to see a GP or health visitor about the napping, if you haven't already - it is really outside the norm for a baby to sleep that little at 6 months old.

You absolutely should be able to do more around the house - sling, jumperoo, playmat, sitting him in a high chair etc - but also your DH should be doing more with the baby. Can he take the baby for a walk at lunchtime/early evening?

If the house is a mess, you can do some of that while DS is down. However, a Klingon, non-sleeper is a lot. And DH needs to acknowledge that.

When I lived with another adult and was doing all the house stuff I resented it big time and felt like a skivvy, there to meet the demands of the other person.

Ive also had the clingy sn baby who hated sleeping. I would have loved to do little around the house but it wasn’t feasible. And in the summer it was hell always having that extra body heat. I had a decent play mat and would lie on it with him and move away from him so he got used to being away. It also meant my smell was still on the mat.

Woth the sling you should still be able to do the washing, just bend correctly. Wiping down the surfaces. A slow cooker there are thousands of amazing recipes. Washing up again a breeze with the sling.

I think it would be good for you to have a conversation with your DH about this so that you can find a way through it.

At six months and with additional needs including requiring monitoring through the night, your duties as a parent are pretty full on. Also you both have the increased mental load of a baby with additional needs. It's important for you to check in with each other about how you feel around workload, home environment etc.

If you feel overwhelmed with your duties to the point taking on additional housework is too much, talk this through with him. Maybe there are a few jobs that don't take a lot of time input but could make a meaningful difference to how your DH feels if you were able to, together, work out a way for you to do them. Maybe you could buy in outside help. Maybe there are duties to do with ds that your DH could pick up so it feels manageable for you. Maybe you really are running at full tilt and can't do house duties and DH needs to understand this.

All of these are possibilities.

I would feel uncomfortable advising you about what I think you should specifically do because we're all different and have different set ups and limits.

But I will say that parenting a young baby is hard and stressful, parenting a young baby with additional needs is especially hard and stressful, and questioning yourself or feeling bad about yourself will make it more so, not less.

A 6 month old should be napping twice a day unless he’s sleeping for 14 hours at night which is about the recommended daily amount at this age? It’s usually 12 hours at night and 2 1 hour naps during the day. Dropping naps isn’t usual until at least two years old… You need to speak to your Hv about this.

Also, I may sound callous but a 6 month old isn’t a newborn and does not need to be carried around all day long. You shouldn’t be encouraging this and should be placing him down to sit and play with toys at this age or get something like a jumperoo.

I do think you should be doing some form of cleaning during the day personally with one six month old at home. If I left DH at home all day with our one and three year old’s and I walked into a pigsty I’d flip my lid.

No baby should be awake for 14 hours without a nap....that is not normal. Can you speak with your HV about that? Have him in a sling and let him nap in there...rock him/play white noise etc but he will absolutely need daytime sleep. I agree with the others, you should be doing more. I don't think SAHM should do it all by any means but I've just been on mat leave and did all washing, food shopping and almost all of the cooking. DH definitely did his fair share of what was remaining and did some of the childcare when he came home.

YABU

You should be doing the majority of housework, cooking and childcare as you are at home all day.
DH should help but not do it all.

Your DS is 6 months old and needs to get used to not being attached to you all day.

For now I’d get a sling but I’d also put DS in a playpen with toys for a few minutes throughout the day and play with him whilst in it.
You can then gradually build up the time he’s in there and the time you interact with him less.
It will get to the point where he’ll be happy because he can still see you but won’t need to be touching you and you can cook the dinner etc with him being safe.

It also can’t be doing him any good physically if you’re carrying him around all day.

When DH gets home you can get him to entertain hid DS whilst you get on with the cooking and cleaning and then once he’s in bed you can both do the last bits of tidying up together.

If the baby can go in a sling, then surely that means you can do vacuuming, laundry, wiping down kitchen etc, shop for groceries?

If he cooks the evening meals, does anything left over at the weekend etc great.

My routine is something like:

Get up at 6, put laundry in machine ready to switch on after 7 (to avoid waking baby). Do 15 minutes or so of tidying. Do my physio. Help get DH out the door for work when he gets up at 6:30.

DS wakes up at 7. Feed, switch on washing machine, bath for DS, DS's physio.

If DS can tolerate 15 minutes in the bouncer, take out laundry. (then there's about 15 minutes of crying).

Go to appointments (usually 2 mornings a week for DS and 1 a fortnight for me) or activities (2 mornings a week).

Go out to get shopping, take bins out, go to post office etc.

Jobs take a while. I can do things like laundry, cooking, carrying, but it takes much longer than for most people because I can really only use one arm effectively and can only carry DS in a sling for 30 minutes or so at a time before I need to rest (because of my back).

Play with DS, do his physio and read to him.

Then DH comes home, usually about 6. He makes dinner about 4 evenings a week - ingredients, recipe, etc are all good to go, it's just the heating up or mixing together that needs doing (he previously said he enjoyed cooking). I do the other 3 evenings. DS feeds about 7, so usually I'm eating after DH. While I eat, DH does the dishes even though I say every time that I'll do them if he just puts them in the sink - but he doesn't like leaving them even to soak for an hour.

DH then puts on a load of laundry while I put DS to bed.

Overnight, I'm up every 2 hours for feeds, equipment checks, nappy changes.

At weekends, DH and I have one "fun" day for DH to spend time doing something with DS (we both go) and one "jobs" day for cleaning etc. There are some household things I physically can't do and couldn't do before DS (like DIY or heavy lifting). Other things take longer and some extra equipment for me. DH does all his jobs and then starts on my jobs because I'm much slower even though I tell him either to go relax or to take DS if he wants the jobs done faster.

I think you need to work on your DH doing more childcare and that should free you up to do some more of the chores. I know you say DS won't accept not being attached to you, but I'd try leaving him with your DH, going to do the shopping and eventually he'll get used to it. He's not being abandoned but left with his other loving parent who can also carry him around in a sling.

I don't agree you should be doing everything while you're at home - you're on maternity leave to care for your baby not do household chores, so DS should be your focus. Also doing everything household/child-related while on maternity leave is a surefire way to shoot yourself in the foot when going back to work, as partners who have become used to this seldom then step up and pull their weight. So one partner ends up with a double/triple shift. But just in the way that you might expect a wfh partner to be able to get a few chores done throughout the day, you ought to be able to do a few things. And DS will benefit from more time to crawl around and explore, not being carried. A playpen is a good idea...I had a large one for mine with some exciting toys that weren't available the rest of the time so my DC quite liked it. Then when your DH comes home, you should split housework/childcare 50/50 so you both do your share and get a chance to bond with DS.

I think your best bet for cooking a quick, simple, meal would be a slow-cooker, or putting DS in a sling where is in on your back rather than at the front. Having them on the back makes it far easier to do things and you don't have to worry about spilling something as much.

Personally things like a playpen wouldn't be possible in our house. The rooms are just too small, there would be no room to do anything around the playpen.

Definitely get a playpen or something similar OP.

It will not only help you out and not hurt you physically but also help your DS’s development.

I think you should be cooking DHs dinner at least.

Something like this. Might help him doze off too.

It’s not good for you or baby to be holding him constantly all day. They recommend tummy time etc. Also babies need to nap.
Can you get advice from Dr/OT/Physio etc or seek advice from support group for children with his needs. It’s difficult to advise as his physical needs may mean some suggestions aren’t suitable. My DD was born with a physical disability and I found charity with Facebook group for parents a big help as do new parents.
How do you take him on errands eg if he’s happy in his pram wheel that in house after your walk.
Cooking doesn’t have to be hot food. You could do salads or put stuff in slow cooker.

Thanks @CallOnMe and @ihatethefuckingmuffin that's good ideas about the play mat. We could try that - I can probably work on building up time away from me on that.

I think partly DS gets so upset when I'm not right there with him because of his hospital stays and things. He probably also picks up on my worry about him - we've nearly lost him several times and my nerves are shot from the stress of it all. I don't think DH realises how bad it's been - the appointments he goes to are "oh, DS is doing so well now, look at his movements, isn't he bright!" rather than "why is that happening? why isn't he sleeping? how does this bit of essential equipment work?".