Doing "nothing" around the house?

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If IABU I'll welcome any advice on how to improve.

I'm on maternity leave with DS (6 months). DH works 5 days a week (not from home). We have no local family support and I have chronic mobility issues.

DS has some physical health problems and has lots of hospital appointments, health visitor checks... But he's developing well and meeting the milestones it's possible for him to meet. I organise his appointments and DH comes to the ones he can get time off for. DS also has daily exercises to do and I take him out every day to an activity or for a walk or to run errands with me.

DS is very attached to me and doesn't cope with not being carried or able to have contact with me. He doesn't nap (like, he wakes at 7am and that's him up until 9pm). He sleeps overnight but needs regular checks because of his health. DH doesn't wake for these so I do them all as well as all feeds (BF).

The other day DH said he feels he does everything at home and I do nothing. He said he has to do all the cooking and cleaning and laundry and washing up and he needs me to do more because the house is a mess. Thinking about it, he is having to do a lot of these things. I don't feel able to cook with a baby in a sling on me - I often spill things and it doesn't feel safe. The other things, I could help but by the time DS has gone to bed, DH has already done them. He doesn't like leaving things until later and I don't know how to do the things safely while carrying DS. DS hates bouncers and things like that. Basically he's attached to me for almost all the time he's awake.

AIBU by not doing more around the house? I've been thinking that I was doing ok and prioritising DS's health and development but I think DH might have a point... If IABU, what can I do to improve?

What Sweatinglikeabitch said.

I think you need to get help with the lack of naps. Your baby is too young to have ditched them. (Health issues aside).

Also, gradually introduce floor time for the baby (health issues allowing). Is there room in your kitchen for a pack and play where he could play safely while you're cooking? For cooking, get a back carrier if nothing else works. I used to put DD3 on my back where she was safe and happy and I had my hands free and could concentrate on what I was doing.

Try cooking enough food for three evening meals for you and DH. This would reduce your cooking and also your nightly cleanup. There is no earthly need for a freshly cooked meal every night. It's a horrible burden when you're so pressed and facing such lack of sleep and your own mobility issues.

Don't run out for errands every day. Try to plan what you have to do , and also delegate to DH. Going out should be restful for you.

I also strongly second the suggestion that DH needs to do more baby care at home. He could take over from you for the evenings while you clean up the kitchen, get a load of laundry on, do a quick top and tailing for the bathroom.

If he feels this is a burden, if he says he needs a break after work, and taking care of the baby doesn't allow him a break, then point out to him that this is what you do literally 24/7. Either the baby care is work or it's a pleasant hobby. He can't insist it's work for him but a nice way to pass the day for you.

If he comains that the baby cries all the time when he's not with you, you can tell him that this is how he is all day every day when you're at home with him. Ask him if he would get physically and emotionally drained by a day of doing physical labour with a baby on his back or in a sling in front. If he doubts your experience then perhaps a three or four day experiment is in order. The totality of the baby care experience is often not apparent to men for some reason.

Thanks everyone, I'll accept my judgement and try to do better. I'll take some of these suggestions to DH and see what he thinks. Thank you all for your input - I want to be the best mum I can be, so if I'm falling short that needs to change.

OP your last comment has made me really sad.

You're not falling short at all! You're doing an incredible job in a very difficult set of circumstances. You are most definitely doing your best and that is enough.

Your son is very lucky to have you, as is your husband, please don't think otherwise.

I want to be the best mum I can be, so if I'm falling short that needs to change.

You’re absolutely not falling short.
No one is a perfect parent.

You coming on here asking for advice shows that you’re already a better parent than many others.

You sound like a fantastic mum and your DH sounds pretty great too!

We can all improve and it’s good to evaluate your parenting but make sure you also recognise everything that you are doing well as there’ll be a lot more things that you’re doing good at but probably don’t realise as we focus on our flaws too much.

@mathanxiety that's what I thought about freshly cooked meals too! DH likes them though, so what I've been doing is prepping the ingredients at the weekend and putting them in boxes to make it easier and faster for him - kind of like a DIY food delivery thing. My cooking evenings are a mix of slow cooker, jacket potatoes, salads, and the occasional reheated batch cooked thing from the weekend.

Expecting you to do all the cooking/cleaning/appointments/childcare is like expecting him to work in every department in his job. He would never be expected to do finance/project management/strategy/HR - so why should you do the same.

You're both having to adjust to a huge a change. Being a parent of a baby who has additional needs is extraordinarily demanding.
I hope you can talk it through feeling confident that your contribution is enormously valuable. You'll work it out together and he (imo) needs to appreciating that many people work full time and also do cooking and housework. There are always ways that we learn to make chores easier but unless your down time significantly exceeds his then he's being unreasonable
All the lest with your little one x

I can see you husband point of view. Can he have DS in a sling while you do the cooking or other jobs.
If you don't try to break you DS dependency on being with you and work to allow him to feel comfortable with you both then it's never going to give either of you a break.
Don't start habits now which will be harder to break later.
Parenting is team sport and is much more enjoyable when everyone pulls their weight.

Ok, I've just seen your recent post where you state you are basicslly doing everything with one arm and you describe your husband's responses to you wrt chores.

What he's doing with the speeded up washup after dimner is an insult to your dignity. Sure he can get it all done faster, the ableist dick.

Tell him very firmly No when he wants to get the dishes done fast. Insist you are doing them, you are doing them your way, including letting them soak for an hour, and that he needs to sit with the baby for as long as it takes. While he's putting in his time on the couch he can try to get over his need to do things his way. There is no right or wrong way to do dishes as long as they get done.

Call him.out on this. You deserve to be able to get the satisfaction of completing a task in your own way, in your own time, and without having to do it with one hand and a baby strapped to you. I am furious on your behalf that he would do this to you, as if completing a chore is more important than your sense of equality and your sense that you are contributing to the running g of the home. How dare he inflict on you a nightly reminder that he has full use of his two arms.

I think you need to have a conversation with your husband about his impatience with you and his absurd and actually really horrible expectations of what you should be doing. It's completely unacceptable for you to be up every two hours all night every single fucking night and for him to complain that he does so much. You have a serious physical.impediment and you are not a robot who can function without sleep. You deserve to be permitted (I shouldn't find myself using that word) to do grown up chores the way you have figured out you can do them.

You need a break from the 24/7 baby care. You are suffering from all the anxiety associated with DS' condition and you are doing all the therapy. Even when your H goes out with the baby you go too. That has to end. He can do a full day of baby care all by himself. He can also get himself out in the morning, and you don't need to put on the morning wash. It can be done in the evening.

If you get up at 6, your H can get up too and make you breakfast as a token of his undying gratitude for letting him get his beauty rest all night every night. He should be worshiping the ground you stand on for all you do.

Even better than getti g up at 6, sleep in. Better yet, make him do every second waking at night, or do a 3/4 weekly alternating night arrangement.

If DH likes them, he can do them (and not complain). This insistence on having a freshly cooked meal every evening (and you prepping them at the weekend!) when you're both feeling stretched is ridiculous. What's the matter with having leftovers for a couple of nights a week and picnic food for another couple (especially in this heat!)?

And he can fuck right off with the freshly cooked meals every day. This is shocking entitlement on his part.

What is he thinking? And who does he think he is?

You are running on fumes after six months of never getting to sleep through the night, you are doing what needs to be done around the house with great effort because of only having full use of one arm and having a baby strapped to you all day, and his lordship expects a freshly cooked meal every night???
Do I have this right?

Sweetheart, sit this man down and bust his bubble so hard he won't ever complain again. He should come home from work with fresh flowers for you every single day. He should scoop in and take the baby from you and run you a soothing bath every evening, and he should eat his plate of leftovers from two days ago with gratitude in his heart and sincere complime to to the cook.

Your H is an entitled twat.

This makes me feel a bit sad! I haven't read all the responses on here but I really don't think anyone is straight up saying you need to do more?! I mean it sounded to me like you're doing plenty, but your split with dh is baby vs house so you could maybe mix that up a bit.

Why does he feel he does all the cooking when you cook 3/7 dinners? Is he exaggerating the rest of it too?

It sounds like he wants you to do the housework on his schedule, which is a smidge too controlling for my liking. If he can learn to leave the washing up for you to do when you're ready, that would address some of his complaint.

He's not really doing most of the cooking, though, if you're prepping everything for him. It's a bit like having a sous-chef. Does he also sous-chef for you on the nights that you cook or do you manage to do it all yourself?

Tbh, I think you need to nip this expectation of meals on the table/cooking every night right in the bud. Why has this become your job? Whose job was it before your maternity leave? Pre-DC I had an incredibly full-on job and was often late home from work, but never expected anyone to cook for me. Mainly because our household didn't employ a resident chef. My DH still works in the same sort of job and is often late in at night and he sorts himself out with food (though sometimes I will leave leftovers for him). Most adults manage both to work and feed themselves, it's not rocket science. We have salads, sandwiches, microwave meals or takeaway on the nights we don't feel like cooking.

Sounds like you do half the washing, probably more than half the cooking if you include the prep work you're doing for him. And he puts plates in the dishwasher while you do bedtime. And then he gets a full night's sleep while you get up every 2hrs. Then you get up before him to help him get ready for bloody work! You're doing more than enough.

All of this

You're not falling short.

You just need a proper plan and chat with DH to do a better distribution of tasks.

That includes him doing more stuff with ds as well and accepting you'll be slower.

He either needs to let you do it at your speed or donut himself (silently!!!)

I had a little velcro baby and also had ds1 who was 18m when ds2 was born. Ds2 lived in the sling and I did laundry, washing up, sweeping and mopping the floors etc all with him in the sling. I didn't do much cooking with him in it as DH does most of the cooking but did occasionally. I also didn't do the dishwasher because too much bending over or cleaning the bathroom because too many chemicals. But lots of household jobs were done with ds2 attached to me, plus walk, park trips, toddler groups etc

it actually sounds like you are doing more housework than your husband or at least the same amount! have I got this right? you are doing:
-one laundry load per day

• General 15 min tidy up

-full meal prep and cooking 3x per week

• meal prep other 4x per week
• some other bits at weekend (I wasn't totally clear here)

Your husband is doing
-one laundry load per day

• cooking 4x per week (but no prep required)
• emptying/loading dishwasher

So that leaves bathroom, kitchen, vacuuming- but if you are both doing stuff at weekend, I assume you must both be contributing in some ways to these.
plus you are doing ALL childcare inc overnight wakeup.

Do you get a lie in at weekend?

sounds like he is the one who needs to be doing more, not you!

Aw, sorry things are tough.xx

To put it into big rough chunks, it reads like he does 50% of chores and 0% childcare.

It's not you that needs to do more.

Xx

Every word of this, OP!

Babies change so quickly it's easy not to quite realise they have changed or can do more. I remember going out with a friend and her popping her DD in a swing and thinking 'oh I hasn't realised I could do that now'!

Can your son sit? If so I'd recommend getting on your local FB pages to see if anyone is getting rid of an IKEA high chair. It is small and light but holds them brilliantly. You could have him sat next to you while you do food prep in the kitchen (or even on table from the preparation you describe). He may be happier when he can see you are there more at your level than at your feet on a mat. It sounds like carrying it hard for you (it is when they reach this size) and a high chair is easier to get them in and out of but many are too heavy and awkward.
You could fold washing on the sofa with him right opposite you.

Other things that have helped us are a cordless hoover and a a spray mop. Easy to just whip round quickly and not so heavy.

I also agree with outsourcing. What jobs do you both hate the most or cause the most stress? Sit down and decide together.

You both sound like you work very hard so either your standards give a bit, your son gets used to not having 24/7 contactor you outsource. Or you do a bit of each

I think you are doing pretty well tbh, it sounds like your day is quite full on after a disturbed night. If he wants you to do more household jobs then he needs to take on a bit more of the childcare. All babies are different and some are definitely more clingy than others. I remember I struggled to get anything done with my first child but it was much easier with the second.

My DH did almost all the household care until our baby was 6months and well over half until they were toddlers and sleeping through the night. I don’t feel at all guilty about it. We had a high needs baby too. Those years were flipping tough!

I did a lot less as a SAHM than many of my SAHM friends. But it also meant going back to work a few years later was so much easier for us. We already had a distribution of household tasks and childcare. My friends are now stuck in a situation where there OHs think they couldn’t possibly do more whilst working and SAHMs therefore can’t go back to work.

To me it’s a regressive, anti feminist concept to think that caring for a high needs baby is not work, waking in the night is not work etc and therefore you should break yourself trying to do the lions share of household things as well. If you have a baby where you can, of course, great! But if you are exhausted and barely able to meet your own needs (as I was) then it’s perfectly reasonable to be SAHM and not do the cooking and washing.