Doing "nothing" around the house?

[NCforthisquestion123]

If IABU I'll welcome any advice on how to improve.

I'm on maternity leave with DS (6 months). DH works 5 days a week (not from home). We have no local family support and I have chronic mobility issues.

DS has some physical health problems and has lots of hospital appointments, health visitor checks... But he's developing well and meeting the milestones it's possible for him to meet. I organise his appointments and DH comes to the ones he can get time off for. DS also has daily exercises to do and I take him out every day to an activity or for a walk or to run errands with me.

DS is very attached to me and doesn't cope with not being carried or able to have contact with me. He doesn't nap (like, he wakes at 7am and that's him up until 9pm). He sleeps overnight but needs regular checks because of his health. DH doesn't wake for these so I do them all as well as all feeds (BF).

The other day DH said he feels he does everything at home and I do nothing. He said he has to do all the cooking and cleaning and laundry and washing up and he needs me to do more because the house is a mess. Thinking about it, he is having to do a lot of these things. I don't feel able to cook with a baby in a sling on me - I often spill things and it doesn't feel safe. The other things, I could help but by the time DS has gone to bed, DH has already done them. He doesn't like leaving things until later and I don't know how to do the things safely while carrying DS. DS hates bouncers and things like that. Basically he's attached to me for almost all the time he's awake.

AIBU by not doing more around the house? I've been thinking that I was doing ok and prioritising DS's health and development but I think DH might have a point... If IABU, what can I do to improve?

we had a high needs baby that needed to be touching me constantly. She didn’t sleep unless I was holding her. We eventually got a non-NT diagnosis, but at the time I was just trying to survive and occasionally wondering mostly tongue in cheek if I had brought home a demon from the hospital. DH did pretty much every bit of housework and cooking that first year. He often even had to clean up after me making myself something simple like a sandwich or a bowl of cereal. I know it was hard for him, but he freely acknowledges it was much harder for me. As much as we tried to divide the responsibilities more evenly, she just wouldn’t stop screaming until I came back. I did use a sling as much as I could, but physical limitations made that of limited functionality.

@Ponderingwindow yes same here. And also turned out not to be NT (but took many years before we finally got all the diagnoses).

Me too. Another high needs non-sleeper who turned out to be ND.

All the plonkers saying "talk to your HV or MW about the sleep". Yeah, alright. And then she doesn't, you know, sleep anyway. And no, it's not 'normal' because she's not, you know, 'normal'. That doesn't mean pixies come and make her nap. That just means in two years if you're lucky you get a diagnosis a little earlier. Wooo hoo. In the meantime you're still not sleeping.

I spent two years with clinical symptoms (I'm qualified to know) just from sleep deprivation. I still suffer today because DD broke my sleep.

Ok, I’ve read it all. And I conclude your dh is being an arse. Not deliberately, but he is. He needs someone firstly to tell him that doing all the care for a 6mo old baby with special needs who has nearly died several times is a completely full time job. So it’s very hard for anyone, much less someone with mobility issues to do too much else. Add on that you are awake every 2h at night and frankly your functioning is seriously impaired. I’ve been there on the no sleep and currently have a 5mo and a few bad nights and I don’t get anything done beyond the getting everyone up dressed off to school and to childcare on childcare days fed school pick up and depending on what day gymnastics x 2 basketball basketball training and various appts plus of course baby feeding and care. That’s enough, all I can think about during the day is if I will get a nap. And I basically move in a bit of a haze until I get that extra sleep, if i get it.
you do a load of laundry a day, 15 mins tidying, the shopping and it sounds like the meal prep, plus the cooking 3 nights a week. Sit down, have a cup of tea, a big piece of cake and give yourself a pat on the back. Your dh does not do everything by a long long shot. He does less than mine and we don’t have a special needs baby.

things you can change

• I love the idea a pp had of trying to get some space using the play mat


• some meals you can cook- prep cold for a tray and the only cooking is bunging the tray in the oven.


• whatwver it is you do ‘to help dh get ready in the morning’ : here you can just stop it. Mine leaves early so because he can’t help me in the mornign he empties the dishwasher, washes the pots from the night before, and when we do a slow cooker meal he will put it on the morning. Before 6am. Your dh could take notes. He has to work Saturday this weeek so he left a bit later and he’s put on a load of washing too. I’m asleep.


• i didn’t know we could do dot points!

things your dh can do

• more childcare


• less whining about his own choices - if he chooses not to hold the baby so you can clean up dinner, then he chooses that.


• less fresh meals and more batch prep. We do that so we can cope. Of course fresh is nice, if he wants fresh he can stop with the bloody whining and shop prep and cook fresh instead of being upset you only do half that work.


• try waking every 2 hours for a week and see how he feels.

i hope that helps and you really did sit down for tea and cake, you deserve it!!

There seems to be an assumption by men that once their partner is on may leave that all household chores fall to their wives and the men no longer need to contribute.

This is what needs challenging, not just by you but by society generally. If before baby comes along, chores are shared equally, this may change a bit if there is time to fit more in around baby but it may not. Either way, men need to accept that mat leave is not a free ride for them and that they still need to be contributing.

You sound like you are doing more than half the meals and half the laundry as well as all the errands, admin and shopping. He sounds like he is doing more dishes. The rest I am not sure about.

It also sounds like you are doing the majority of child care. I agree that this should be the starting point for change. He needs to do more here.

I can see his point, but I also sympathise because I know how difficult it is to put a clingy baby down and do things. I'd usually spread things out during the day and use a sling to help me. Meal prep e.g. chopping and getting everything out ready to cook later can be done with baby in a sling. I'd run the vacuum round and mop using a sling. Maybe pick one task that you can try and stay on top of to help your partner e.g. the laundry, as then it'll be more shared.

Sleep deprivation is hell - it’s probably exacerbating your physical symptoms and sabotaging your ability to plan, multi task and prioritise. It’s downright dangerous to your long term health as well.

On top of that you’re carrying an enormous mental load of anxiety for your dc.

I’m genuinely concerned for you from what you’ve written. And I know myself exactly how little help there is.

You’ve written out what you’re doing all day on top of pulling a night shift as well. Ask your dh to write down exactly what he’s doing.

I’d be very curious to know if he’s doing more than a single man living alone would do? Because you’re clearly doing a lot more than a single woman living alone.

Sorry you're having a hard time. It sounds like you need some better communication with your DH to improve things for both of you.

I'm disabled and was alone with a baby with ASN, so I had to do everything. He was up hourly through the night and I was sick and chronically ill too. It is possible. I had help with DC for about 1 hour a week some weeks and that's when I changed the beds and vacuumed the house, everything else was done in bits rather than getting through a whole task at once.

What type of baby carrier are you using? With oxygen it can be done safely and there may be a group near you that could help. I'm not sure if you mean it's unsafe just by babywearing or something disability related for either of you?

I found it started to get easier when DD could sit up, and again easier around 10 months and 16 months. Things like giving them a baking bowl and spoon would give me time to wash dishes (I didn't get a dishwasher till a few house moves later). Each time we got some good milestones it was easier to get more done as they were able to manage whilst I did things alongside. You become adept at multi tasking and pairing odd tasks up whilst doing the baby care (and this is coming from someone who struggles massively with ADHD and is generally shit at lots of things). My cooking went more basic for a while, I wish the Instant Pot existed back then, maybe there are other devices that could help make things easier for you too?

There seems to be an assumption by men that once their partner is on may leave that all household chores fall to their wives and the men no longer need to contribute.

The worst thing about this assumption is that maternity leave is a relatively short period of time, yet it sets a pattern for inequality of domestic labour which then holds some women back for years. A lot of men expect the status quo established during maternity leave to continue when their partners are back at work.

Both parents need to accept that their lives will get harder, not easier, when they have a baby. There is no reason why one parent should suddenly have an easier life than they did pre-DC. If they do, they are often buying it at the expense of their partner's recovery and wellbeing, as is the case here.

I assume DH knows how little sleep you get and so would expect him to be more sympathetic which is what is making me wonder whether you checking baby every 2 hours is something he considers to be unnecessary and an anxiety thing. I cannot see how getting up every 2 hours is sustainable. How long to you think you will have to continue with that? Other than that, I agree that DH should look after his child in the evenings and give you time to do whatever jobs you have not had time for.

6 months of getting up every 2 hours and I would be like the walking dead.

I had to do it for a few weeks when my bub was first born due to feeding issues and that was bad enough, even when she changed to 3 hourly feeds it was still a killer, plus she had regular 2 hour naps throughout the day.

Time for your DH to take on your role for a few days I think and see how great it is.

Working on getting bub sleeping and also going down on his own will make your life so much easier. Reach out and ask for help with the sleep, an over tired baby is such hard work, the clingy grumpiness you are seeing may well clear up of it's own accord if you can get him napping.

Admittedly I never had a clingy child. But you really do need to address that first. Put him in a bouncer, a soft reclining chair, an activity centre (used you be a baby Walker but now they don't like the wheels bit) to entertain him, whilst you get on with stuff.

I would have a word with your HV to maybe get some support through a charity called Homestart . It would only be for a couple of hours a week but better than nothing.

Do you receive PIP for yourself and DLA for your son?
By the sound of things with regular nighttime monitoring needed he would likely be entitled to a higher rate.
Then you could use some of that money to pay for a cleaner to take some of the load off you.

I am disabled with disabled children thanks to a congenital condition so if you would like to PM me for a hand with the forms you are most welcome.

First thing is to ask for them to be sent to you. That gets your claim back dates to the day you asked for them and gives you several weeks to fill them in.

I think you are doing an amazing job. I expect you are still healing from the birth and mentally you must be frazzled by the level of stress you have been through. Please be kinder to yourself. And give your DH a bit of a reality check.

I’m a bit confused about what is going on here. You get up before your husband and baby to do chores, then you help your husband get out the door for work (what does this entail?), then you deal with baby all day on zero sleep and mobility issues. He ‘cooks’ but in fact just assembles things you you have prepared for him. He does not take care of baby on his own, ever, and gets to sleep all night, every night.

If you tot up the hours you work vs what hours he works, your job is pretty much 18 or so hours every day as you are also up at night. And he works 9-5?

So, you:
Do all childcare, appointments etc
Buy all food
Do roughly 1/2 laundry
Prep everything for when he ‘cooks’
Cook fresh meal from scratch 3 evenings pw

He:
Stacks dishwasher
Assembles food 4 x week
1/2 laundry
hoovers and mops?
DIY when needed
Bins
Cleans bathrooms?
Changes bedsheets?

I struggle to see his point of view and I think he should be doing more, not less! It’s completely doable to work 9-5 and also be in sole charge of keeping a house clean unless you live in a mansion, in which case you should have a cleaner. Going to work is a million times easier than looking after a baby and home, and I say that as someone who had babies without special needs and who napped.

Some solutions have already been mentioned. Have you spoken to him about his standards for how things are done/when and how fast etc? The fresh food every evening needs to go. Make a chilli in the slow cooker and have it with rice one night and baked potatoes the second. Etc.

Can you shop for food online and have it delivered rather than popping to the shops daily?

Are you not entitled to a little bit of home help since you have a baby with special needs? I know that friends with SEN children get 5 hours help per week but it may depend on where you live.

Can you negotiate with your husband that you get one full nights sleep once per week or at the very least once per fortnight. You cannot carry on like this with no sleep, it’s not good for your health. and please let him have baby on his own on Saturdays, then you can get a break too. But don’t use this time to get on top of tasks which he seems necessary and to his standards.

I’m quite angry on your behalf and unless I am wrong in my assumptions about the division of work you’re bloody supermum and someone needs to have a word with your partner.

I changed my vote to YANBU as I read your subsequent posts. I hope things get better

Oh OP I think you and DH need to talk about this. It’s hard for us to advise because we are not in your situation and it sounds like you are both entwined in the ‘trauma’ at this stage of having a baby who has been poorly.

you also have your additional needs and you’re asking people here that could be fully able bodied with no children. Perhaps you need to speak to your health visitor. I do imagine your baby is picking up on some of your anxiety but also you’re creating a ‘rod for your own back’ mind the pun. As baby has been poorly you’re being super over protective but only you know if the level of care you’re providing is necessary.

if there are occasions where baby could be left let’s say in a play pen then you could sing and talk to baby so they know you’re near. Only you know if you’d be comfortable with that and if that is safe for baby.

*no children I meant children without issues

As someone said, does your husband believe that some of the things you do are unnecessary? Like getting up every 2 hours at night, is that your choosing or necessary outside of baby waking which is completely normal. Mine didn’t sleep through until 16 months. But do you get up at night also when you don’t strictly need to, perhaps because you’re anxious about baby?

Same re carrying him around all day. Some posters are a bit judgemental about this but I also had a baby who I wasn’t able to put down and I also carried her for a very long time. It’s just what I had to do, it was what she needed and I am glad I did even though it was hard. It’s very easy to have opinions on other people’s parenting but you know your child and what he needs. I had a Manduka sling which was a godsend as I was able to carry her like a backpack and it distributed the weight so that most was on the hips, saving my back.

I’m interested regarding why your baby doesn’t nap though. Does he have a fear of some sort, perhaps picking up on your anxiety around machinery or something like that? If you were able to train him to nap, it could change your life.

You could try DS on a lamb skin fleece. They used to use them in Great Ormond Street NICU to help the babies settle, etc as many were attached to equipment. We had them for DD and she would settle very quickly when I put her down despite wanting to be carried around. Other than that get some outside help then that should free up more family/leisure time - makes a huge amount of difference.

Fucking hell.

You're disabled and your baby has some serious health needs. You're up every 2 hours and you're doing laundry, food prep and a good whack around the house.

I can't believe what I'm reading. You're DH needs to get a grip. I'd be suggesting that he has a week off work. And he holds the baby, does all of the night feeds and does everything you do, with one arm in a sling. While you go out for 8 hours a day and see what he says on fucking Friday.

When do you sleep @NCforthisquestion123?

This thread has made me so cross and upset on your behalf OP. I think you are a bloody marvel, and I don't understand how you are actually able to do anything at all with such little, and such disrupted, sleep.

ps. I hate your partner with a vengence.

Your partner needs to be asleep by 09.00pm every evening, and up again at 03.00am, and then to wake you up at 07.00 with a cup of tea and a slice of toast. Hopefully if you can get to sleep very quickly (it might take a while to get used to it) you can have nearly 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep. At the moment, if your DS needs checking every two hours, and you are the only one doing it, then you are having to get up at at least 2 minutes before you check on him, you probably spend at least 5 minutes checking equipment etc, and of course a lot longer if you have to feed and change him!

You then have to get back to bed, try to get to sleep when you know the most sleep you can fit in again before having to wake up again, is about 1hr 50 minutes, but that is probably more like 1hr 40 minutes. Then if it was also a feeding time, you have what? 1hr 30 minutes at most? Which is more likely about 1hr and 20 minutes? I could not have survived on that little amount of sleep when I was young and healthy, and with a healthy baby to look after.

You are amazing @NCforthisquestion123, absolutely amazing. Your partner has to start helping at night. You may need to express some milk if your partner's turn includes a feed time - I hope it does - and your partner needs to start carrying baby around in a sling when he is there and baby is awake.
💐💐💐💐💐

One of mine didn't sleep in the day, nursery said they would sort it out but failed miserably. She was never grumpy or moaing with it. Just a baby who was curious about the world and didn't feel the need to sleep.

NT and still doesn't need much sleep. Aiming for medicine so her natural wakeful state will be useful.

Are you bf and using that to get him to sleep? I would try to work on that - we used the Pantly Pull Off Method, part of the no cry sleep solution. Once they could self soothe a bit dh took over getting them to sleep for a couple of weeks. That also helped to reduce the night wakings, so even if you need to check he might not wake up. Also easier to share the night wakings if dh can settle him too. It doesn't sound as if you need to do more, you just need to do things differently and rejig the responsibilities.

Agree too about looking into benefits, home start and local colleges sometimes want placements for students on childcare courses.

I had a baby with special needs who hated naps, then i had a baby who was so clingy we nicknamed her velcro then i had a third meaning i had 3 under 3 so i do get how hard it is but i didnt have the option of leaving things for DP to do as he works away a lot so often i was on my own. Things that i found helpful are

*having a highchair in the kitchen so when i was cooking DC was able to sit up next to me whilst i chatted to them.
*bouncy chair right next to me when putting washing on
*when i was hoovering id pop them in the jumperoo.
*dusting id pop them on the playmat

Basically id just keep moving them to a different activity and id do everything in 10min bursts so 10 mins of dusting then a 10min cuddle then 10mins hoovering then a 10min cuddle etc. Yes they cried but id just chat and sing to them eventually they learned it was ok to be put down and play. With my velcro baby i never left the room so she could see me at all times.

You also do need to get ds to nap beong overtired will make the seperation anxiety worse. With my eldest i just let him nap on me because sometimes needs must and it worked, he only ever napped for 15mins at a time so id spend that 15mins sat on the sofa with him on me and catch up on emails or life admin.

Keep meals simple so theres not a lot of prep i think we lived off of Jacket potatoes with various fillings for about 4mths at one point.