Doing "nothing" around the house?

[NCforthisquestion123]

If IABU I'll welcome any advice on how to improve.

I'm on maternity leave with DS (6 months). DH works 5 days a week (not from home). We have no local family support and I have chronic mobility issues.

DS has some physical health problems and has lots of hospital appointments, health visitor checks... But he's developing well and meeting the milestones it's possible for him to meet. I organise his appointments and DH comes to the ones he can get time off for. DS also has daily exercises to do and I take him out every day to an activity or for a walk or to run errands with me.

DS is very attached to me and doesn't cope with not being carried or able to have contact with me. He doesn't nap (like, he wakes at 7am and that's him up until 9pm). He sleeps overnight but needs regular checks because of his health. DH doesn't wake for these so I do them all as well as all feeds (BF).

The other day DH said he feels he does everything at home and I do nothing. He said he has to do all the cooking and cleaning and laundry and washing up and he needs me to do more because the house is a mess. Thinking about it, he is having to do a lot of these things. I don't feel able to cook with a baby in a sling on me - I often spill things and it doesn't feel safe. The other things, I could help but by the time DS has gone to bed, DH has already done them. He doesn't like leaving things until later and I don't know how to do the things safely while carrying DS. DS hates bouncers and things like that. Basically he's attached to me for almost all the time he's awake.

AIBU by not doing more around the house? I've been thinking that I was doing ok and prioritising DS's health and development but I think DH might have a point... If IABU, what can I do to improve?

These look amazing. I’ve seen babies look so happy in them.

Yes a bouncy chair or baby bouncer when he is slightly older. Sometimes you have to get things done

It would have drove me mad if I couldn't have done things when dc were awake but agree it is hard

I think you need to work on the napping thing, it's an indoor buggy an option? And then talk to your dh about mixing up your roles a bit more so he does more childcare and you do some more housework. Maybe have a rota or look up the organised mum method so you're doing a few things each day but it's adding up. But also that you need to set out what you do and where the time goes to him, the same way you have here.

Why?

DH and I shared the cooking before I went on maternity leave with DC or we did our own thing. That pattern continued afterwards...though if anything, DH cooked more at weekends.

Genuinely puzzled by the suggestion that one partner's life should get easier after they've had a baby.

Surely this means that the end of the other partner's maternity leave - at which point both partners are back at work and there is all the housework/childcare to be split equally - is just going to come as a big shock (or the partner who took maternity leave will be left with an unfair burden).

May as well start how you mean to go on.

You aren’t doing nothing then. If you are doing a bit of day to day tidying/laundry and cooking 3 nights a week that is more than enough!
When he complains you need to tell him no, actually he needs to do more with his child!
So you both have a lift of jobs for a Sunday but you have to do yours while doing 100% of the childcare? That’s bullshit.

And for your own sanity get a better sling, it should be easier on your body to have a 6 month old in a sling than your arms.

You have health issues yourself and a baby with additional needs. And you are not doing nothing if you are taking baby to medical appointments, managing some shopping and some laundry. I think your husband needs to stop expecting everything to be done to his timetable and chill out a bit regarding when the dishes get done etc!
'Normal' rules over who does what on maternity leave don't apply if you both you and baby have health issues. And mat leave is for you to look after the baby, not clean the house, anyway

Reserving sounds like a good idea.

How about having a think this weekend about a timetable (as such).

So what time do you leave the house?

What job could you do before breakfast Eg - hoover or put wash on.

What could you do at lunchtime?

Could you use a back sling?

How can you make cooking easier. Batch cooking always helps, slow cooker, air fryer.

What about in the evenings dh taking ds for a walk and you do some household tasks. Does dh feel that he hasn't got a bond with ds and is worried if it doesn't establish soon about it developing in the future? Sometimes people don't always worries what their actual feelings are.

It's usual that the person at home does a lions share of household tasks during working hours and you share the rest when both home. I think that needs to be sharing the childcare as much as the tasks.

It seems like you're doing a lot to me. Unless you've tried to do stuff with a baby that cant be put down, you don't realise how difficult it is.

But I think it would be good for your DH to start taking some of the baby responsibilities.

Also get a dishwasher and why are you doing 2 loads of washing a day for 2 adults and a baby??

Also have you considers if you or ds or both are entitled to,disability allowance?

You could then afford a cleaner or even some childcare help

Could you get a better sling and carry DC on your back so you can get on with things?

@NCforthisquestion123

im sorry many people don't seem to understand you have your OWN health issues, on top of DS having health issues and both of you having many appointments. I presume they have zero understanding of how much time this takes and how much energy, plus all the physio

i suggest you print out a copy of your schedule and ask DH when exactly you should do all these other jobs and how much longer he thinks you should do the 2 hourly wake ups?

why can't you do the feeds & he do the checks?

he's being monumentally unappreciative of exactly what you do!! .& he's incorrect in saying he does everything, all the cooking/cleaning/laundry.

YOU doing MORE is not the solution.

Firstly he needs to appreciate how much you do and how much time, effort & energy is required.

msybe he needs to take a few days off work & do what you do, while you have a break!!

@BigShoe that's a good idea about getting some outside help, thanks! I've always resisted the idea of outside help ("I can do it myself, it just takes longer") but maybe I need to swallow my pride. My mobility issues have been long term so I've got adapted strategies for things like dusting, laundry, cooking, but the addition of DS makes the ways I used to do things harder and slower than they were.

Your week sounds exhausting and I am not sure how you could physically do more. I think people saying you should do all the housework and/or that you should put baby in a sling and push on with the housework or in a playpen have appreciated that is not possible because you have mobility issues and that your baby also has mobility and health issues.
Both you and your husband sound exhausted though. Is there anyway you could get any outside help? Could you pay for a cleaner? You also say you have no local family, is there anyone who could come and stay for a while to help out?
Good luck

It sounds to me like you’re doing your share. If DH wants you to do more cleaning / tidying then he needs to do more childcare. That might have the added bonus of showing him how “easy” it is to get stuff done with a clingy baby!

Baby in a sling on your back is much easier and less tiring. They get to see what’s going on better too. I jar DD is one regularly till she was 2 when she was tired. I used to make bread and meals and do laundry and tidying etc and she loved the movement as I pottered. I got a Mei tai, look them up. They’re really cheap compared to other carriers, you tie them on the grow with your baby.

Why can't your dh hold him why you do some of these things , he has to learn to be with him too

Not much to add as already had some good suggestions but it sound like you are definitely pulling your weight and so is your husband. I can't see how he can expect more of you.

Just reading your post.

What does your DH think will happen when you return to work? It sounds like you will still be doing the lion's share of the childcare and who will take on the house hold tasks then? Who did all the housework beforehand, when you were both working, if he finds it such a burden now?

You are doing full on childcare for a child with physical health problems with all the attendant daily physio exercises and Health V and medical appointments. At the same time, you yourself have chronic mobility issues.

If DH insists on doing the cooking/housework whilst you put DS to bed, and then complaining about it, he should reflect that it's not like you are sitting on the sofa drinking gin and watching TV whilst he cleans and dusts. You are still doing your full time childcaring "job" with very little respite.

I actually think you are coping very well and DH should give you a break. This period in your lives won't be forever. You'll soon be back at work with DS in daycare. There's some useful ideas on this thread, but also could you temporarily get a cleaner/home help if its bothering DH so much? It would be useful to put a value on household chores just as day care puts a value on childcare. Or could he do childcare/exercises/ baby activities at the weekend whilst you catch up on a bit of housework/organising. Can you get a relative or even a babysitter to call in occasionally and play with your DS whilst you get some housework done? You say he is developing well so you will find a more settled routine soon.

Your post mentions "doing nothing all day", looking after your baby isn't nothing. As if maternity leave is somehow skiving when the other partner's working and they should make up for this "free Time" by making the home into a pristine palace. Its not time set aside for extra housework, its time granted to recover from the birth and care for a young baby and Its 2022.

Agree with this. Of course he prefers being attached to you as that is what he is used to but needs to feel safe and content when he is not. If he is in a bouncy chair where he can see you while you get on with things, that's something. Once you are back at work he will have to be used to not being attached to you, so start in small, 10 minute shifts and build up.

It sounds as though although you’re not doing enough physically, you’re doing the most mentally - which is just as tiring.

I think you need to do more physically like cooking etc but DH needs to do more mentally like doing DS exercises with him, going to appointments if possible or even putting him to bed so you can have some time to yourself in the evenings or on weekends.

@Vikinga we have a dishwasher, I'm happy to load and unload it but had been asking DH to leave it for me to do after I've put DS to bed.

@worriedatthistime DH says he'd be as well just doing the job himself rather than holding DS while I do it because it'll get done faster that way.

This

I think you are doing amazingly well considering your health issues and baby’s health issues.
If it understandably takes you longer to do things well then your husband is just going to have to be a lot more patient and not play the martyr by doing it himself. You must be shattered waking up so much in the night and it doesn’t seem like you have any time to catch up with a nap.
Show your husband your list. He needs to stop complaining and take on more of the baby caring when he’s at home.

It feels like there's more to this. Why are you 'helping DH get out of the door' in the morning - is he 5? And is he using your attachment to your child as an excuse not to want to spend time with DC?

I’d honestly be sitting down with him and say you’ve felt similarly, here’s what you do with your days and what he does, where can he pick up some of the slack for you and vice versa? I think once you actually lay out what you’re doing he’ll be a bit sheepish - he’s only seeing what’s going on when he’s home, and nothing overnight. Ask him which of the night checks he’s going to take on to make it more fair and see how he crumbles.