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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are all Y4 girls like this?

96 replies

Jennybeans401 · 15/07/2022 06:39

Dd in Y4 and throughout the year has struggled with being left out and bullied off and on. The school don't seem to take it seriously and think that this is what girls at this age are like.

Are all Y4 girls like this though? My other dcs are younger so I don't know. Yesterday dd came home and said a group of the girls were all loudly saying dd was last in every event at sports day (not true but dd believed them as it had been very close).

She got really upset, not really because of the sports day but more because it felt like they were ganging up on her. This seems to happen a lot where the group turn on her and either blame her for something or make fun of her. It's off and on but seems to be always dd.

OP posts:
Ontomatopea · 15/07/2022 06:40

No. Speak to the teacher.

Navigatingnewwaters · 15/07/2022 06:41

No, not in my experience

Eeksilon · 15/07/2022 06:44

With first hand experience of this myself I'd agree that this does seem to be what year 4 girls Can be like, however that doesn't make it acceptable. Speak to the teacher (again?) and insist the main girls - in my experience it's always the same 2 or 3 girls leading the meanness - are spoken to.

Porcupineintherough · 15/07/2022 06:45

I think "ganging up" is something that this age group discover, yes. Doesn't mean it shouldn't be dealt w promptly and the bullying that results treated seriously though, it can be very damaging.

Go to the teacher , start naming names and demand it is dealt with.
Does your dd have a friendship group at school?

Mumdiva99 · 15/07/2022 06:47

No. I have a daughter. All girls are not like that. I have an older boy and his year group seemed more tricky - listening to mums in the playground. My daughters year never.

Talk to the teacher....if no help then the head. It is not acceptable to pick on one child.

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 15/07/2022 06:48

I've spoken to the teacher in the past, nothing gets done. The Head is the same, her response 'they probably don't know what they are doing' 'they are all lovely girls'.

The school is great when these issues are not happening but when there are problems they seem to want to brush them to one side.

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DDivaStar · 15/07/2022 06:48

No this sounds like bullying.

Dd is in year 4 and yes it is noticeable there have been many changes in friendship groups, almost daily. Also a few nasty comments so I'm not entirely surprised and do understand what the teachers are saying but this shouldn't be one child against a group.

Littlebluebird123 · 15/07/2022 06:49

Friendship issues is girls is a hugely common problem in Year 4.

They begin to have more complex emotions and social dynamic awareness. It's a really difficult stage and the teacher is right that it's common.

(I'm a teacher with 18 years experience and have 3 DD past year 4 stage.)

It happens again traditionally in Year 9. :/

I would note that the child will always think it's always them. They are self aware and notice what happens to them but won't see what the others are going through. That's a completely normal part of growing up but it does often mean that the child is biased to think it's only them with an issue and it compounds the problem.

However, if you are concerned it's worth speaking to the teacher again. It's particularly helpful if you can give specific examples or children as they know what/who to look for.

I would imagine you already do but it can also be helpful to talk things through with your DD and give her some strategies for when she feels left out. IE ask someone to play with her, find another group to join or speak to an adult.

I hope you can sort it. It's so hard when they struggle.

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 15/07/2022 06:49

The friendship group turn on dd and are involved in bullying unfortunately. It's not every day but has been on and off for the past 8 months.

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carefullycourageous · 15/07/2022 06:52

The school sounds genuinely shit. Sorry but parents need to exercise their rights and stand up to shit schools. Put in a formal bullying complaint and pursue it but I would look at a different school in the meantime - your poor daughter should not be dealing with this.

Of course not all kids are like this - but more importantly not all teachers are lazy and uncaring about bullying.

JuneOsborne · 15/07/2022 06:54

No, of course it's not! And for the school to think it is (or say that it is) is minimising and allowing it to keep on happening.

Even if friendships change and they are becoming more socially aware, that doesn't mean it's ok to single someone out and make them feel like shit.

Go back to the school, speak to the teacher again. Tell her that it's not what all girls are like, and that you want your daughter to be listened to. Bullying is never ok.

Confrontayshunme · 15/07/2022 06:55

Agree with @DDivaStar . It isn't that it is normal to be bullied, but the relationship dynamics in Year 4 plus (for some) the onset of puberty hormones often lead to girls feeling really lonely and strange, but I bet quite a few of the other girls feel the same way. My DD was in year 4 last year, and while most of it was low level ganging up and regrouping ALL year, there was one incident where a girl made fun of our religion and I promptly reported it. My DD was really upset, and the school dealt with it effectively. The Head of Y4 said it was very normal for girls to struggle with appropriate relationships, especially if you have girls with phones or dysfunctional parents in the mix.

If it helps, this year, she has really bonded and has some lovely friends.

HavfrueDenizKisi · 15/07/2022 06:56

Jennybeans401 · 15/07/2022 06:48

I've spoken to the teacher in the past, nothing gets done. The Head is the same, her response 'they probably don't know what they are doing' 'they are all lovely girls'.

The school is great when these issues are not happening but when there are problems they seem to want to brush them to one side.

These are totally unacceptable responses and I speak as a teacher.

Email and request a meeting with the teacher and head again.

In your email list out instances where she's been excluded or bullied.
Call it bullying. Refer them to their bullying policy.

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 15/07/2022 06:57

Thanks, we are thinking a change of school would help. Dd does love her school though and it's sad that the teacher and Head just won't do anything. Dd has having violent thoughts (she was getting thoughts of her being injured, like ocd) a few months ago when these problems reached a head. We really didn't get a lot of support.

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Mally100 · 15/07/2022 06:58

carefullycourageous · 15/07/2022 06:52

The school sounds genuinely shit. Sorry but parents need to exercise their rights and stand up to shit schools. Put in a formal bullying complaint and pursue it but I would look at a different school in the meantime - your poor daughter should not be dealing with this.

Of course not all kids are like this - but more importantly not all teachers are lazy and uncaring about bullying.

Agree, my ds school something like this would be dealt with swiftly and quite harshly. It wouldn't be brushed off.

underneathleaf · 15/07/2022 06:59

No I teach Y4 (admittedly very few of them as teeny tiny school) and genuinely haven't even had to deal with any fallings out this year - they have resolved any small spats themselves and are genuinely supportive of each other.

carefullycourageous · 15/07/2022 07:00

Jennybeans401 · 15/07/2022 06:57

Thanks, we are thinking a change of school would help. Dd does love her school though and it's sad that the teacher and Head just won't do anything. Dd has having violent thoughts (she was getting thoughts of her being injured, like ocd) a few months ago when these problems reached a head. We really didn't get a lot of support.

Your DD is very young. She will likely love any school, and enjoy a school where she is not bullied even more. You are describing this school giving her mental health problems. This is very serious.

You have to be logical. The school is allowing your child to be bullied ergo the school is not good enough for your daughter.

Too many parents persist. Take action to protect your daughter. Walking away is a power it is good to learn young.

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 15/07/2022 07:01

I have wondered if it's the mix of girls, they are a combined year 4 and year 5 with only 5 girls in year 4. It was fine when there were three of them but 2 new girls started this year and the whole dynamics changed.

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Glitterspy · 15/07/2022 07:01

No not all Y4 kids are like this, but Y4 girls are more likely to be like this than any other social group I have yet encountered in my life. It’s been the hardest year for DD so far, friends-wise. What you’re describing sounds like bullying though, hope the little twerps get their comeuppance.

carefullycourageous · 15/07/2022 07:01

Jennybeans401 · 15/07/2022 07:01

I have wondered if it's the mix of girls, they are a combined year 4 and year 5 with only 5 girls in year 4. It was fine when there were three of them but 2 new girls started this year and the whole dynamics changed.

You are blaming the girls.

The school is a bad school.

Nuffaluff · 15/07/2022 07:02

Is it typical for year4 girls? No, it depends on the girls, the group dynamics , etc. Usually these things are worse in year 5 in my experience.
I’m really sorry for your daughter. If this was my class, I would not allow this to continue.
I would move her I’m afraid. Or see if the teacher next year is any better at dealing with it and then move her if they aren’t. But if the head isn’t dealing with it…

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 15/07/2022 07:02

@carefullycourageous yes I think you're right.

OP posts:
ObviouslyNotNow · 15/07/2022 07:04

It was in Y4 that frenemy turned to bullying turned to very significant behaviour changes and mental distress for my dd. Looking back, while we did successfully push for her to be moved to a different class from the girl who was the main problem when the classes mixed at the end of Y3, that wasn’t enough.

She needed earlier support to go into school every morning (she was refusing), and emotional support during the school day as needed after any incidents, and people aware of how her distress presented rather than ignoring her in a class of 30. When she got all these things, it started to improve. But from a very low base - sooner would have been better. We also got mental health support privately, as CAMHS had such a long waiting list.

waterrat · 15/07/2022 07:05

Hi Op I've just dealt with some bullying and friendship for my year 3 daughter. It is hard to be relentless but I just kept going back ton school and asking what specifically they were doing to help my child be happy and included.

I think your situation sounds concerning. Its not for the head to say they didn't mean to be unkind. It's for the head to listen to your child.

It sounds like a small school and they may not want yo rock the boat.

Start again for year 5 elsewhere?

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 15/07/2022 07:06

@ObviouslyNotNow I wish there was another class to move her to, I don't think the combined year 4 and year 5 helps.

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