Who should really own our house?

[Littlething]

I will appreciate some advice and fresh perspective on my situation please. Sorry if it is a bit long.
Me and my partner of 15 years (two dc, 11 and 8) are about to exchange on a house that we are buying with the money I inherited from my late parents. There will be a small mortgage, paid out of rental income on my flat in London. We moved to where we are now 2 years ago from London for his job. We were renting here while we were looking for a house to buy paying rent out of the income on my London flat. I have stopped working after my youngest was born, my dp has a good job (architect), that covers our bills. My parents gifted me the flat in London, so we lived rent/mortgage free and they gave us cash for holidays, new car etc, we would not be able to afford it otherwise. We spend rather carefully, shopping in H&M and Lidl but we like to entertain, go to the theatre and children have lots of hobbies. My partner has a flat in London that he bought before we met, he pays mortgage on it and rents it out, so mortgage is covered.
The house we are buying here is small and will need extension and loft conversion, it will be paid for with what’s left out of the money my parents left me. For context, we decided to buy a small house (in a not very ideal location) because it is all we can afford without selling mine or his flats and he is strongly against selling since “it is our pension”.
I agreed to put both our names on the title. I want to make it clear that he is a kind and loving person, he is my best friend and the children adore him. I do not want to upset him by spelling out that it is my money that we are spending on the purchase and renovation. However when I said the other day that I expect to have an upper hand when it comes to decisions to do with renovating (and maybe selling when the children are off to Uni) he got very upset. He feels that he will “pour all his energy, time and skills into the house and will be left with nothing”. He also said he feels his contribution to our finances is major because all his salary is spent every months, he provides for us and this needs to be recognised. AIBU to expect him to see it from my perspective?
Many thanks for reading and sharing what you think.

@Littlething
You are not married, and this makes all the difference in a situation like this, where you will provide the finance to buy your home.
Would you consider a 80/20% tenants in common ownership? That way, you will
retain 80% of the house value if it is ever sold, your partner should accept 20% as he is bringing nothing to the table regarding the purchase, and he is keeping hold of his flat as security. Please see a solicitor if you haven't already.

I can see why you want to protect your inheritance but you’re only able to do this because your partner is paying for everything else. It’s seems unfair for him to spend all his money supporting the family and him get no security in return.

@Littlething

I might have a chat with solicitors, I just needed to filter through my emotions first and get a clearer head.

Very good idea. Go on your own initially, so you can be as open and blunt with your solicitor about finances, Deed of Trust, Wills, Property Deeds, House/Flat values, etc.

Be clear what you want to achieve from this meeting before taking any actions affecting your futures. 🌹

You definitely need to get legal advice but I think you are wrong to expect the upper hand as far as decision making on the Reno.

I think he should be taking out a mortgage for half the value of the house. Leaving you some money and security. If his on the deeds he pays half the house and the renovation costs. Bills would need paying regardless and had you separated I'm sure he would pay more in maintenance than your half the bills without a mortgage. Have you considered going back to work so it's not all on him regarding the bills? Meaning he can't say his paid everything and therefore should get half. See a solicitor for advice. Maybe a contract that after x amount of years he will own x percentage and then in x more years x percentage until its 50/50

If he wants his name on the mortgage, he needs to contribute the same deposit. That's one of the benefits/drawbacks of not being married.

Glad you have an income of your own. I would not rely too heavily on him paying for you. Be careful that you ate financially secure if you split up.

To be honest, I'd be reluctant to buy with someone other than a spouse.

Ask the Legal Queen....

So the way I am reading this-correct me if I'm wrong. You each have a flat in London which you rent out. You are now buying a family home. He is the only one going out to work at the moment, for reasons you have both agreed. You have been together for 15 years and have two children together.
I think if I were in his position, being told you want to have the major say in house renovations etc, I would be wondering a) is this really a family home? and b) are you planning to split with him?
He is obviously contributing a fair amount if you haven't been earning in your own right for 8 years, and it sounds as though, as an architect, he will have a fair bit of input into remodelling the house.
I can quite understand why he would be upset in these circumstances, you have a 'partnership' in which, despite all this, you are relegating him to junior partner.
You could of course seek advice on having a tenancy in common rather than a joint tenancy, which would reflect your larger financial contribution, if that is what you feel is best.

The OP has been earning, she has a rental income. Income doesn’t have to come from paid employment.

Oh, and having read similar questions in the past, and responses, I would be very circumspect about taking much of what people say as reliable advice (especially from a legal perspective re property ownership); totally disregard those who are questioning whether you are married and if not, why not; and look at some of these 'don't let him have anything' comments as either people who haven't read your post properly, or perhaps who are coming at this from a position of their own past negative experiences, which hopefully will never be yours.

Why are you not married?

I am too horrified at the “not working “ comments. Such distain for the essential labour of childcare and home making on Mumsnet?! Haven’t any of you making these scornful heard of the Wages For Housework campaign? Protect your assets. Believe you me, even the loveliest, kindest, most generous, fairest man can turn into a monster when he hits his MLC…

This will sound harsh but it sounds like you are his meal ticket. He has his cake but he wants your cake too and the cherry on top.

"I agreed to put both our names on the title." Why on earth did you say this. You automatically give him half the house, regardless of your massive one-sided contributions. :

1. Your inheritance from your late parents which will pay for the house
2. There will be a small mortgage, paid out of rental income on 'your' flat
3. When you were renting when looking for a house to buy paying rent out of the income on your London flat. What did he contribute?
4. How much does he spend monthly covering your bills on a monthly basis. Is it more or less than he would have to spend if he was renting and single?
5. He lived rent/mortgage free, had free holidays, free new car etc, that he wouldn't have had, had your parents not been so generous.
6. He has a flat in London, which he rents out, which probably covers the mortgage but you get no benefit from it as your flat pays for where you are living now. Seems fair..... not!
7. The house 'you' are buying, you will pay for and then 'you' will pay for the renovation, out of the money you have left from your inheritance. What is he actually contributing here?
8. I agreed to put both our names on the title. How did you reach this decision: what was the conversation, how did it come up, and how was it decided?
9. Lovely or not. If anything happened, it could leave your kids up a creek without a paddle and the law was not on their side. He would inherit the house. They would inherit the house if he dies, if he hasn't sold it. Does he have other children? It happened to a friend. She was one of the children, the partner took the house, and she and her brother got nothing.
10. He is already upset. He has made minimal contributions and was onto a sure thing. You have now rocked his boat and his expectations. "I do not want to upset him by spelling out that it is my money that we are spending on the purchase and renovation. However, when I said the other day that 'I expect to have an upper hand when it comes to decisions to do with renovating' (and maybe selling when the children are off to Uni) he got very upset. You will not legally have the upper hand or final say about anything to do with the house if you are joint owners. Your children are 3rd.
11. He is happy for you to take on all the financial contributions, but now it's his turn to contribute through a bit of sweat (not funding the work), he gets 'upset'. He does not see the unfair dispraportion in the whole agreement?
12. Sorry, this made me laugh out loud with incredulity "He also said he feels his contribution to our finances is major because all his salary is spent every months, he provides for us and this needs to be recognised."
    Major how? Has he compared it to your financial contributions? I'm sure if you were to sit down and do a spreadsheet on all contributions on both sides (since you met) , he may see some sense. Are you married or planning on getting married?
13. AIBU to expect him to see it from my perspective? Yes. He won't. He has an inflated perception of his contribution, while conveniently forgetting yours. This is a massive red flag to me, MASSIVE!

You did ask what we thought. 😱

When you moved to London for 'his' job, I take it he was living rent-free. What contributions did he make in other ways?
"We spend rather carefully, shopping in H&M and Lidl but we like to entertain, go to the theatre and children have lots of hobbies." Who pays for this; is it 50/50, mostly you, all him, all you?

It may be just me but I don't feel good about this. He has still had a rather economical existence since he met you.

And because he has been using his salary to support the family.

Re working, I am going to go back to work but I need to carefully think how to link my previous degree and job experience to the degree I am doing now. I also do little projects for a charity on ad hoc basis, obviously not earning anything but it gives me satisfaction to apply my skills this way.
To clarify, we will, in fact, pay cash for the house and the mortgage money will be used for Reno etc (paid for by my rental income). I felt I should not spend all my cash on this house so we agreed on getting a mortgage in both our names and have the equivalent amount saved for emergencies (invested in my shares account).

So you haven’t worked for many years and he funds all expenses outside rent/mortgage but you don’t want him on the deeds?

If a woman posted that she funded most expenses but wasn’t going to be on the Deeds we would all be outraged.

Your inheritance would be long gone if he wasn’t funding your lifestyle.

Yes draw up a legal document that spells out each ones contribution to purchase price of property. As you aren't married (for whatever reason - not my business !) there is no defined split of assets so that doc would be used as a basis in the event of a split......

Maybe he should get a mortgage for his half of a new house instead, then she can pay half the bills and expenses out of her money. Because in what world is it ok to keep a large amount of money to yourself and still expect your partner to still pay for everything. Or do people really believe her money is hers and his money is family money?

Do not put him on the deeds. Your house is for you and the kids. Why is he getting upset about it unless he is thinking about if he splits with you and he can claim half. Tell him no it doesn’t matter what he thinks but no means no. You need to protect yourself and the children. Don’t be blackmailed into agreeing to his demands and let us know how it all goes.

@TheHumanExperience wow that is a shitty line up of events. And I disagree with 90% of it.

Why do you categorise his financial input so low? Who will be expected to cover the mortgage if the tenants move out of OP's rental property? Who will cover council tax, power, water - everything else? Especially as OP must be keeping back a significant amount to be able to afford a loft conversion and an extension! You know when the resident parent gets their child maintenance, it is roundly agreed that it goes into a 'pot' that contributes to keeping the children. Why is it not the same case here with their rental and salary income? I.E. it's not OP's money that covers the mortgage and her partner's salary that covers the rest.

Also - you seem to be under the impression it's all or nothing. OP could easily protect her deposit and needs to have this conversation, but it's not unreasonable to expect that building a life together doesn't mean one person gains an appreciating asset with the bonus of their life partner covering all other essential bills.

I voted YABU but missed the part that you’re not married.

As a divorce solicitor my strong advice to you is not to gift him half. He could leave you a day later and you’d be stuffed.

Your money is paying for this home so your name should be in the deeds not his.
If you get married in the future & wish to change that you can.
It doesn’t mean you don’t trust him it is just your property not his. His paying into the house is because you are child rearing & he is supporting you in doing that.
You are lucky to own 3 properties between you.
I’d hope you’d already have a will drawn up about money & properties incase anything happens to either of you.

@Littlething could you have got the mortgage on your own? As you've clarified he'll be on it, you are seriously remiss not already having this conversation with your conveyancer. You must know that being on the mortgage means also being on the deeds for the vast majority of lenders? Otherwise he has all of the risk and none of the benefit.

"I would have happily sold my flat to give us a shot at buying something bigger and better but my oh maintains we need it as pension"

He's an architect, right? He doesn't work in finance. And even if he did, he shouldn't get to dictate financial decisions like this. Do you have a financial adviser? If not you should get one. You need to discuss the pros and cons of investing in property versus investing a pension with someone who knows what they're talking about.

Either you are not married, your finances are separate and you make your own decisions about the flat YOU own and the house YOU want to buy, or you get married but you make decisions together without one person dictating.