Who should really own our house?

[Littlething]

I will appreciate some advice and fresh perspective on my situation please. Sorry if it is a bit long.
Me and my partner of 15 years (two dc, 11 and 8) are about to exchange on a house that we are buying with the money I inherited from my late parents. There will be a small mortgage, paid out of rental income on my flat in London. We moved to where we are now 2 years ago from London for his job. We were renting here while we were looking for a house to buy paying rent out of the income on my London flat. I have stopped working after my youngest was born, my dp has a good job (architect), that covers our bills. My parents gifted me the flat in London, so we lived rent/mortgage free and they gave us cash for holidays, new car etc, we would not be able to afford it otherwise. We spend rather carefully, shopping in H&M and Lidl but we like to entertain, go to the theatre and children have lots of hobbies. My partner has a flat in London that he bought before we met, he pays mortgage on it and rents it out, so mortgage is covered.
The house we are buying here is small and will need extension and loft conversion, it will be paid for with what’s left out of the money my parents left me. For context, we decided to buy a small house (in a not very ideal location) because it is all we can afford without selling mine or his flats and he is strongly against selling since “it is our pension”.
I agreed to put both our names on the title. I want to make it clear that he is a kind and loving person, he is my best friend and the children adore him. I do not want to upset him by spelling out that it is my money that we are spending on the purchase and renovation. However when I said the other day that I expect to have an upper hand when it comes to decisions to do with renovating (and maybe selling when the children are off to Uni) he got very upset. He feels that he will “pour all his energy, time and skills into the house and will be left with nothing”. He also said he feels his contribution to our finances is major because all his salary is spent every months, he provides for us and this needs to be recognised. AIBU to expect him to see it from my perspective?
Many thanks for reading and sharing what you think.

I’m not qualified to advise you on your legal or financial position OP but tbh having read your posts my overwhelming impression is that you need to work. Assuming your school-age children don’t have significant needs you can easily study full time from September and earn your degree sooner.

So in summary

The house is being bought with your inheritance. The mortgage will be paid from income on the flat you also inherited

But you haven't worked in 8 years and his income pays all day to day bills and funds your lifestyle

You want to put him on the deeds of the house but when it comes to what colour you paint the walls you feel like you get the final say

YABU. You want your cake and eat it. You've only been able to not work for nearly a decade because his wage has supported your lifestyle.

I'd be pretty annoyed if I was him too.

I am in somewhat similar situation. I own the house my partner (not married) and I live in. Bought from inheritance money and my own savings. Ain’t no way I want to put that in his name.

However, personally, I think I’d be feeling differently if I hadn’t worked for years and he was the one with steady income coming in all that time.

I am also really cautious not to make comments about it being “my house” or having any kind of “upper hand” when it comes to decor or decisions to do with the house. he lives here too, while he doesn’t have much of an opinion on these things, I want him to feel comfortable and at home in the house we both live in.

I lost 8 years of money paid into renovating and maintaining a flat that I bought with my ex in his name (daft) the purchase price in 1997 was £116,000 it's now worth over half a million. I knew it was stupid at the time, because I could have bought a cheaper flat on my own at the time for between 50 and 60 grand which would've been paid off now and worth at the very least £300,000. He needs and should absolutely have "some" security, get a solicitor otherwise it will ruin your relationship, good men/ women/relationships are so rare and precious.

See a solicitor and get it ring fence. You are not married. It is your inheritance and therefore your childrens’. If his name was on the deeds and you died, his new ‘wife’ would gain more than your childrens’.
Pay half all the other household bills.

Ok, so my first thought was, that this is not about money. You dont trust him.
On some basic level there is something wrong in the relationship for you.
You seem like a very accomodating person from your posts, do you think he might be walking over you, or some part of you feels that?

Not sure about the legalities @Littlething, but I think from a relationship perspective you should probably consider having a small private wedding as soon as you can and just throw your lot in together as equal partners to remove some of the ambiguity of the situation. Unless you have doubts about the relationship, which it doesn’t sound like you do.

The “upper hand” thing is a bit off-putting even though I understand where you’re coming from, you probably need to accept you are a unit what’s yours is his, what’s his is yours, and all of it probably needs to be considered in terms of what’s best for your family in the long-term. Making decisions together may take longer but you will probably make better decisions together and that’s what true partnership is all about. He’s an architect so I’m guessing there’s a fair chance he will have useful contributions to make regarding renovations etc.

It sounds like you are in a very lucky position a good amount of wealth, in a mutually supportive relationship with children who should be well provided for in the future. Enjoy your life, it sounds like a good one

And WTF with all the 'not working'. She's bringing up his kids ffs. Depressing to see this on Mumsnet.

What I don't understand is how an architect doesn't have enough for a deposit to put down so they buy jointly in the first place, or do what I suggested above and do % split

Has OP shared his salary and their bills and other outgoings or something? Because otherwise I'm not sure this is in any way relevant.

In fact either way it's not is it, because he doesn't have any savings!

Your a SAHM not earning. He is earning he will be paying to renovate, decorate and furnish your home. Of course he should get a share. What will happen if something happens to you? All those saying not to if the situation was the other way around they would be saying you would be entitled to a share.

I do think, in your current position, it would be financially naive to simply put the house in both names. There are plenty of ways to protect yourself and ensure he is still getting some investment out of the work he puts into it. But if you have separate money, don’t just share a huge chunk without reviewing everything and making sure you’re both fairly protected for the worse case scenarios.

But I also think it’s worrying that the conflict you saw was over the use of an outbuilding for storage or for his hobby and you want to use your position as the capital provider as leverage on that. Would it be an unfair use of space? Does it relegate you to having cramped shared space while he gets cramped shared space and a personal hobby zone? If not, if it’s a fair use of space and you and the kids have your needs and wants met at a similar level, why do you want him to be without that? If it is unfair, why do you need leverage to insist on more equitable use of the house? Does he not care that he would be hogging resources to your detriment?

@Ohnohedident but she isn't working. That is a statement of fact. Do you consider the parent who works to NOT being bringing up their children?

Get married, or both your names on all your properties. Then you can argue about renovations til the cows come home like everyone else!

What I don't understand is how an architect doesn't have enough for a deposit to put down so they buy jointly in the first place, or do what I suggested above and do % split
Because he has his money tied up in the flat he won’t sell. Usually a couple would sell their flats and use any equity towards a family home but neither are doing this. If the DP could raise a deposit, the OP matches it (and saved the rest of her inheritance in her name) and then they got a joint mortgage and own it jointly it would be fair.

Unless the DC are home schooled or there are other factors at play (like disabilities) which the OP hasn't mentioned, having an 8 year old and an 11 year old isn't equivalent to a full-time job.

And nowhere in the OP does it say that OP does the majority of any childcare or housework, either. So, he's bring up her kids too (ffs).

@Ohnohedident also, I invite you to try and get a mortgage with no paid income but a job of a stay at home parent. OP needs her partner in order to purchase this house.

She’s not bringing up his kids - she’s chosen to stay at home so their kids don’t have to go to paid childcare (because her DH and her parents have provided the funds to enable her to do so)

Yep - and, how many 11 and 8 year olds even require so much paid childcare that it genuinely balances out even a minimum wage job, or a school hours job?

So one family are hoarding THREE houses, charging people more than morgage rates to live in the two they dont need/want so they can benefit to buy a third... and we wonder why theres a housing crisis.

Yabu. I haven’t read the full thread but as I work in mortgage industry I suspect he will have to go on the mortgage and deeds as his income will be needed to pay the small mortgage you are taking out. The lender will likely insist on it. It would probably be difficult to show affordability for you to run both houses and pay all the household bills and support your children on your rental income alone so in your sole name it could be declined.

he does have an interest in this new house simply because his wage supports you all and will support the mortgage. It is unfair of you to take that away from him. That doesn’t mean you can’t take proportional precautions and talk to your solicitor about setting up the ownership share as tenants in common whereby you get defined percentage shares based on what is being put in.

It sound like he contributes by paying for all the family expenses while you’ve contributed by using a healthy portion of you inheritance buying the house.

you wouldn’t be able to afford to put all this cash into the house if he didn’t pay the bills, so he has a point.

he is right- why should he pay to renovate ‘your’ house? And see you benefit from the appreciation in value.

if the roles were reversed, everyone would be advising you to have your name on the deeds.

considering your relationship sounds pretty equal, I think you should consider both being on the deeds.

if your contribution is so much bigger than his, then maybe that is reflected in you having a bigger share. But I think he’s entitled to a share of the property.

It's also to be considered that in the event of your unexpected death, your DH might be put out of 'your' house if he has no legal claim to live there. What would happen to your kids then?
Do you have a life insurance policy for both of you. In the event of the death of one partner, the other has money to care for the kids.

The alternative is you put the house in your name only, then you split the bills and childcare costs 50/50 seeing as he is just a lodger with no say.

This. You need proper legal advice asap do not exchange without it

If one party is providing the deposit and the other is - essentially- fully enabling the mortgage as the sole breadwinner, then imo it’s already a pretty equal joint venture (notwithstanding legally ringfencing the deposit), so should be joint property after said deposit is protected.