Who should really own our house?

[Littlething]

I will appreciate some advice and fresh perspective on my situation please. Sorry if it is a bit long.
Me and my partner of 15 years (two dc, 11 and 8) are about to exchange on a house that we are buying with the money I inherited from my late parents. There will be a small mortgage, paid out of rental income on my flat in London. We moved to where we are now 2 years ago from London for his job. We were renting here while we were looking for a house to buy paying rent out of the income on my London flat. I have stopped working after my youngest was born, my dp has a good job (architect), that covers our bills. My parents gifted me the flat in London, so we lived rent/mortgage free and they gave us cash for holidays, new car etc, we would not be able to afford it otherwise. We spend rather carefully, shopping in H&M and Lidl but we like to entertain, go to the theatre and children have lots of hobbies. My partner has a flat in London that he bought before we met, he pays mortgage on it and rents it out, so mortgage is covered.
The house we are buying here is small and will need extension and loft conversion, it will be paid for with what’s left out of the money my parents left me. For context, we decided to buy a small house (in a not very ideal location) because it is all we can afford without selling mine or his flats and he is strongly against selling since “it is our pension”.
I agreed to put both our names on the title. I want to make it clear that he is a kind and loving person, he is my best friend and the children adore him. I do not want to upset him by spelling out that it is my money that we are spending on the purchase and renovation. However when I said the other day that I expect to have an upper hand when it comes to decisions to do with renovating (and maybe selling when the children are off to Uni) he got very upset. He feels that he will “pour all his energy, time and skills into the house and will be left with nothing”. He also said he feels his contribution to our finances is major because all his salary is spent every months, he provides for us and this needs to be recognised. AIBU to expect him to see it from my perspective?
Many thanks for reading and sharing what you think.

Get advice from a solicitor, without a doubt, not mumsnet 🙂

For me the best way forward would be to purchase as tenants in common with a Declaration of trust that ring fences your inheritance contribution; with any resulting increase in the value of the house split 50/50. Your solicitor should be able to draw it up.

I think it’s fairer to see your rental income as something that goes into the family budget; rather than ringfencing it in your mind solely for “that’s paying the mortgage”. After all, your DP probably would be able to afford the mortgage if he wasn’t having to be solely responsible for bills.

Having your income go into the general “family budget” would also stop some of his accusations that “he pays for everything”.

If your parents gifted you a flat, do you not already have a home in your name that he does not? If you have both names on your current home, then why are you wanting to ringfence this property only? And why were you not working at all, meaning your parents had to give you money for stuff?

Think more details are needed here to be honest.

If the genders were reversed here you would be getting a pasting.

I understand that you want to protect the house purchase but it is cheeky to do so while not paying 50% of the bills. The fact that you think you should dictate renovations means that you see it as your (singular ) house rather than your (as a couple) house. That's not a good feeling for your partner.

Would protecting your payment into the house then splitting any appreciation 50/50 be a better solution? Or him owning an increasing amount if you're together in 5/10/15 years time ?

So you want him to continue to fund you to not work AND help with the renovations etc but not be on the deeds or have any say in the design choices. He’d be perfectly entitled to say no and tell you to do it yourself including funding your own lifestyle by getting a job.

Absolutely do not put his name on the deeds. If he wants it, he can put a ring on it. Or your name on half of his property.

You should own the ‘family’ house 100%.
He has contributed nothing towards its purchase. It is your pension as you have taken the financial hit of not working to raise his children.

He would have to pay bills and pay to support his children wherever he lived.

So your financial contribution is the rent from the property you own in london.

He works.

Complicated. He could walk away with half your house if his name is on the deeds. Leaving you and children unable unable afford a house in the area you moved to. I understand why you may not want him part owner..

However, if you want to have the last word on work that you do on the house. You need to pay for it.

You need to clarify the legalities since you arent married but if you are living together and renovating your house I think it would be pretty shitty of you to over rule his decisions on decor etc because you have contributed more.
Either its your joint house and he gets to have as much say on the renovations as you or its not and you can pay for it all yourself

I dont think that you are taking into account how much he is paying out on a monthly basis for the family. I dont understand the 'I've paid for this, I will have the final say on decorating' as it could potentially descend to 'this is my house!' during arguments.

I agree, just get a legal agreement drawn up. My OH's niece is 22 and looking to buy a house with her boyfriend. He inherited £90k which will be used to pay a substantial deposit and any initial fixing up the house needs. He is getting one of those agreements drawn up. My OH's family think he is being unreasonable and somehow unfair. They are pretty thick though.

I'm struggling to see why you'd instinctively put his name on the title if the entire purchase is being funded from your assets, including the ongoing mortgage.

If he was contributing to a proportion of the mortgage, then a legal agreement of tenants in common with defined shares would make sense. The complications of trying to be fair arise if he's not going to be contributing to the purchase but will be contributing to the maintenance and upkeep.

You need an open and honest discussion about who's paying for what each month. Both the property costs and the day-to-day living costs. If you're a SAHP covering the housing costs from your inheritance but relying on his salary for living costs, then it's complicated.

You need a solicitor to draw up an appropriate agreement, and quite probably a financial planner or financial mediator to establish what's fair to you both.

Me and my partner of 15 years (two dc, 11 and 8)

From the OP ^ so I'm going to assume (hope) he is!

If his name isn't going on the deeds all household bills should be slit 50/50 (and on top of that he should pay you 50% of a fair rental value for the property).

I wouldn't be happy paying 100% of all the bills every month and having nothing to show for it

The rent from the flat she owns, does help fund their lifestyle.

If he's paying more than 50% of the bills you need to get it down to half each so he has no reason to complain. Ideally it'd be more you as they're your kids but for now just meet halfway.

He's paying the bills so the ownership should largely be equal

Both of you should own the house jointly. It’s a family home. Ultimately, it and whatever replaces it in the future will be for your children, as you both have your own flats in your separate names. The children are joint, rights over them are joint and responsibility for them is joint. Their home
should be jointly owned.

I thought my eh husband was my best friend until I divorced him. Luckily I was smart enough to put my parents contribution as a deed of trust because he turned into the nastiest, money grabbing git. He would want to claim the last penny. never in a million years would I think it would have gone like that.

However he did not contribute to all the expenses and bills - it was 50/50.

I'd say ring fence a reasonable amount you agree on. If he is going to contribute to the build/design which will increase the value, you need to factor that in on his side too. Decor decisions YABU.

The person who paid for the house owns the house.

If he had given up his career to raise your children and you had climbed the career ladder while he took care of all things domestic then I'd say the house was jointly owned.

But coming from your inheritance with no family support contribution from him?

Nah.

It's yours.

If he wants to own it equally then he can give you half its value.

This is my thoughts too.

Each of you keep your flats separately.

For this house, purchase together, but ringfence the value of your inheritance used for purchase and renovation, so that if you split, that comes back to you first, before the equity above it is split 50/50. Make sure you have a will that clearly spells out what you want to happen to your respective shares in terms of who inherits/lifetime interests etc.

Then, pool his salary, his excess rental income (if any) and your rental income (which is your financial contribution) and sort out a household budget. If, when you've done this and added up all the bills including mortgage, there really is 'nothing left', then you need to look at whether you can afford this house and your lifestyle with your current set up.

If there is a leftover income, then it needs to be split three ways - you, him and a savings account. You and he should have the same disposable income each month.

I think YABU

However when I said the other day that I expect to have an upper hand when it comes to decisions to do with renovating (and maybe selling when the children are off to Uni)

This bit, you are either jointly in this together or not at all, you can ring fence the money you are putting into the house, to make sure you get that back, but I would be pissed off if I disagreed this was then said. Maybe you wouldn't but now you have said it once, there is going to be an expectation.

I think you are both being unreasonable and the fair solution is not either joint names or your sole name.

You need proper advice and to consider splitting the property on % terms to reflect your unequal contribution. I wouldn't want to put my effort and money into renovating a property that I had no interest in when I was also supporting a non-working spouse. But equally I wouldn't want to risk a substantial inheritance.

As you are not married, sit down together and work through all your assets. Be clear what came from your parents/ inheritance and what came from his parents/inheritance. If he has yet to inherit discuss what will happen to that money.

Do the same for income and expenditure but also note things like not paying childcare as you are SAHP, the impact on your pension and potential future earnings etc. Value your role as SAHP, do you enable him to progress at work because you

The next bit’s are hard, think about what would happen if one of you died now I.e. what you would want in your wills. For example would you want your partner to have a life time interest in your flat/house but for your children to inherit. This is really important as your partner could marry and leave all he inherits from you to new wife and exclude your children. And vice versa.

Then think about if you split up what would be fair.

This should enable you to then see a solicitor and write a deed of trust and/or cohabitation agreement.

It may be as pp said you own the house as tenants in common but a deed of trust gives you 100%. You could also put in clauses that over time your partner owns a % of the home.

These are difficult conversations but you both need to protect your financial position whilst being fair. Particularly as you both have investment properties and are not married.