Who should really own our house?

[Littlething]

I will appreciate some advice and fresh perspective on my situation please. Sorry if it is a bit long.
Me and my partner of 15 years (two dc, 11 and 8) are about to exchange on a house that we are buying with the money I inherited from my late parents. There will be a small mortgage, paid out of rental income on my flat in London. We moved to where we are now 2 years ago from London for his job. We were renting here while we were looking for a house to buy paying rent out of the income on my London flat. I have stopped working after my youngest was born, my dp has a good job (architect), that covers our bills. My parents gifted me the flat in London, so we lived rent/mortgage free and they gave us cash for holidays, new car etc, we would not be able to afford it otherwise. We spend rather carefully, shopping in H&M and Lidl but we like to entertain, go to the theatre and children have lots of hobbies. My partner has a flat in London that he bought before we met, he pays mortgage on it and rents it out, so mortgage is covered.
The house we are buying here is small and will need extension and loft conversion, it will be paid for with what’s left out of the money my parents left me. For context, we decided to buy a small house (in a not very ideal location) because it is all we can afford without selling mine or his flats and he is strongly against selling since “it is our pension”.
I agreed to put both our names on the title. I want to make it clear that he is a kind and loving person, he is my best friend and the children adore him. I do not want to upset him by spelling out that it is my money that we are spending on the purchase and renovation. However when I said the other day that I expect to have an upper hand when it comes to decisions to do with renovating (and maybe selling when the children are off to Uni) he got very upset. He feels that he will “pour all his energy, time and skills into the house and will be left with nothing”. He also said he feels his contribution to our finances is major because all his salary is spent every months, he provides for us and this needs to be recognised. AIBU to expect him to see it from my perspective?
Many thanks for reading and sharing what you think.

I think you need legal advice to protect your inheritance.

You have chosen not to marry.

Put him on the deeds and 50% could be gone immediately.

He has benefited from your parents generosity living rent free.

Take emotion out of this and get papers drawn up that protect your inheritance and that shares the gains made equally.

I completely agree.

I'm sorry, I know other posters think it's deeply unfair but if the shoe were on the other foot...

I've seen too many women end up with nothing when the DPs or DHs of many years leave.

The loveliest man can turn into a spiteful and vindictive man when splitting assets.

Please, please, op - protect yours first.

You mentioned his rental income is paying for his mortgaged flat, how much equity is in that property and what happens if he moves back to that flat? Is your bank not linking all assets/titles for the renovation mortgage?

I know of a couple who had two investment properties and a family home all in his name (mortgages of various levels but secured across all three titles) and when they separated, she placed caveats on two of the properties, but not the one with the high mortgage, which had actually declined in value since being purchased.

She presumed that property would not be sold and he would take on the debt associated with that property.

A lengthy court case commenced with her legal team engaging very expensive high counsel. This went on for about 18 months....

As there was no caveat on the high mortgage property it was immediately sold leaving a negative balance on the outstanding mortgage, and the family home which she moved out from, then had to be sold to pay this balance out before the equity could be taken into consideration by the court who ordered the other rental to be sold to discharge that mortgage.

So neither was left with a home, she had a massive legal debt so what little she ended up with paid that out, yet the starting position saw them with a decent equity sum.

Life can take some queer turns and isn't as straight forward as we think things will be... please get legal advise.

Either you are not married, your finances are separate and you make your own decisions about the flat YOU own and the house YOU want to buy, or you get married but you make decisions together without one person dictating

I agree with this. I think OP has left it very late to be making decisions and they have both made some assumptions about expectations.

It appears that many of the posts assume that the partnership is devoid of love, trust and longevity. A piece of paper declaring marriage or Civil Partnership is no more likely to keep a couple together than without it. Hence, if there is love, trust and an expectation of longevity in the partnership, I am surprised you are even thinking about this as it would suggest there is some doubt. I have been married for 36 years but even though that would not be a barrier to us splitting-up any more than not being married would, I have always put our property, savings and investments in joint names (even though 95% is from my salary) because I do not have any doubts about the partnership.

So if you split after a year he gets half your home, if you get married he gets half your home and half your rental home owned outright, you get half his home which still has a mortgage. He is paying the Bills so you can stay at home but what if you split after say a year, is that what's good for your children are the children his, sorry should have found that out. See a solicitor first sweetie

If that was me I would put both names on the house because you rely on his income.
Maybe getting married might help.
I hope it all works out well.

I think both your names should be on the mortgage, but I'd ring fence the money you are putting into it from your parents. He will be paying the small mortgage from his wages whilst you are at home with the children. If you split you get all the money you put in and 50% of any remaining equity. Or another way to do it would be that you get 100% of the value of the house as it is today, and any rise in the value of the house is then split 50/50. Yes he's living rent free, but he's enabling you to stay at home with the dc whilst he works to pay for living expenses.

With regards to you having the deciding vote on decoration etc, I think you are being unreasonable, it's his home as much as it is yours.

Absolutely, she should be supporting herself as well. Its not fair to him if he is working full time and she is a SAHM

For those saying that OP isn’t contributing to the day to day living, she absolutely is. She has paid for the house and and the small mortgage. If her OP and he weren’t together, he would be spending his income living on his own flat mortgage, and wouldn’t have opportunity to save.

OP on the other hand could Live in her flat and invest her inheritance. He would still be responsible for contributing support for the children.

Personally, I wouldn’t have his name on the deeds if we weren’t married. It’s one thing to live off your girlfriends parents, but quite another to stake claim to the inheritance they leave their daughter.

If he pushes the point, then quite honestly he likely doesn’t see longevity in the partnership.

In terms of how you develop the house, do think your ideas will be so far apart? My DH and I renovated a house which took two years. We did have different ideas , but always found enough common ground to compromise. I think if you’re making a statement now about wanting to be the decision maker, then perhaps there’s an existing lack of balance in the relationship, which perhaps you need to work on. Because that didn’t even occur to me when we bought our renovation project.

Huh, I see this question as a bit bizarre. In Australia you would be treated as married, no questions asked. Everything you have would be split 50 50 and then given that you have given up your job to care for the children an adjustment would be made in your favour, maybe 60 40. I agree with this. With regard to inheritances, you have brought the money into the marriage, in Australia that would make it money that is shared. Frankly, I agree with this. My husband inherited money, I stopped working because our teenaged children needed additional support which was significant. My husband would never expect to take that inheritance with him!! Furthermore, I stand to inherit more than he did, he is entitled to his share if I bring it into the marriage, which I would, because we share a life.

I think it's lovely that you can afford to be at home with your children if that's what you want but you're trying to have it all your own way.

If you’re not married most people are assuming that you would still end up with the house intact if you separated for any reason. It’s not always the case. A friend of ours ended up having to take out a mortgage on the house she owned and shared with her partner (unmarried) for over ten years. When they split he claimed an interest in the property and she had to buy him out. I think if you buy this house in your name only it will open up a can of worms for your partner so I think you need expert legal advice as to how to protect your assets while being fair to your DP.

This

Hi littlething - do you know what, it’s important that you protect your family and relationship. You’ve been together for a good length of time, 2 DC and you say he’s a good partner. Get legal advice. I’m in a similar position - 28 years on - one DS with my partner. I’ve always worked ( lawyer) and my partner is a builder/ property developer. Not married because of similar circs- life events took over and we never got around to it but we may do soon because of the tax and implications if we don’t. The house is in my name but I hold it on trust in equal share for both of us as tenants in common ( ie separate shares) because we are not married. House in my name because I took out the mortgage on my income , and he was house husband for a couple of years. I also pay the mortgage and paid off a good amount when I sold my flat in London. As he’s self employed his income is variable. I am further down the line than you and I am absolutely fine with the financial arrangements. He’s my life partner we work hard and contribute financially to the household. He renovated the house 5 years ago ( basement excavation and extension) we paid 250000£ for the house in London; it’s been valued at 2 million - some hike in value and only a small mortgage left . It all comes together tbh- but you need to trust each other. Yes I may look as though I have contributed more but in real terms it’s probably about the same - in money and moneys worth. Yes we should get married as you should too. If you decide to hold jointly - do it as tenants in common, so you can always leave your share to the kids in the event that you predecease your dp. You could I think hold a slightly bigger share to reflect your contribution via inheritance. Good luck !

He hasn't been supporting her - he's been supporting his children to be raised by their mother.

He pays all their bills

Absolutely 100%

@WinterDeWinter he’s been supporting the family and it’s their children! It’s difficult to separate the costs of the children from the primary carer. This is a problem that arises on separation or divorce; the reluctance to pay any or sufficient spousal maintenance by one spouse to the other, impacts the primary carer and the children’s standard of living. In this case, they are not married so he has no obligation to pay her anything - save via the child support agency. That’s why - if it’s an option, they should get married - she is better protected. In the event of a separation or divorce the courts can look at the contributions made by the parties in assessing what should allocated to whom - incl things like inheritance from parents.
If littlething feels conflicted perhaps its because it an awkward and difficult situation and she needs to get legal advice going forward if she is unable to resolve this with her dp.

It’s the small mortgage for the renovations that’s making it complicated. If you were not getting the renovations done and sticking to buying a house outright with your own money as you are I don’t think anybody would think it should be a joint asset as you are not married.
How much is the house that you are buying with your cash and how much is the mortgage for the renovations?

As a much older, never divorced person, I can only draw from the experiences of my friends, family and sadly, two of my own children.

@Littlething I will tell you what my own observations have shown me - where there is money there is no love, kindness or compassion when the relationship breaks down, regardless of fault, no fault etc.

Ask yourself, if you and he split, are you happy to maybe have to sell that house to give him half of the value? Value that will be increased by your money? That your parents worked to be able to bequeath to you? Not to him! Not to your children! TO YOU!!!

He says he pays for everything - because you gave up work to raise his children! Not, as he seems think, to sit on the sofa all day, whilst your slaves peel grapes to feed you!!

Perhaps he would prefer to pay a nanny, a maid, a laundry person, a chauffeur and an extra car, a gardener, a personal shopper, a grocery shopper, a window cleaner and a cook! I’m not sure if he earns that amount of money if you’re shopping at Lidl - and I’m not throwing shade at you for shopping at Lidl. In my country, we don’t have a lot of choice in shops or even groceries, so I wish I could shop at Lidl! Due to distance to anywhere in the world, any imported goods are really expensive but fruit and vegetables are freely available within reason and what grows here and chicken and fish as well. But anyway, I’m going off track!

My point is this - how much would a mortgage and loan to expand the house, cost you over 20 years (not sure how long mortgages go for in the UK but anything that takes until you’re 55 max to pay off is about it) and would this cost be more or less than what you pay for bills and groceries!

Please seek legal advice and think with your head! Tell him that you are safeguarding your children. What if you die and he has more kids with a new person? That immediately dilutes what your kids get!

Or at least have some sort of legal contract or pre-nup type thing drawn up. He should understand as soon as you say it’s to protect the children’s inheritances!

I mean what kind of man would argue with that? Not a fair, caring, loving, kind father, for sure!

At the same time, I would also have an agreement about custody and visitation drawn up. My son told me that he wishes they had done that before their split as it would have saved a lot of heartache and attorney fees!

But please, be sensible 🙂

Joan, how would you feel if your husband owned your property and had his pension all stitched up in his own name, and you were working full-time to keep him while he stayed at home? Just asking.

Excellent post.

I would be wary.
He has a property being paid off as he lives in a house you have bought.

He has lived rent free already.

You are right to be very wary here OP.

Get legal advice to protect yourself.

If you were to split up he has his career and income, you are in a precarious position, yet could be handing over half your inheritance and he still has his apartment being rented out as his sole asset.

Do not be like so many women that really fxxk up financially, all to avoid a hard conversation.

Protect your inheritance.
Should you split you have zero rights to anything he has bar basic CM.

This.

Also your inheritance should be kept away from mutual assets or you could lose it in the breakup.

@Pluvia

She needs to sit with how she would feel if they split.

She is not working but is resident parent.
Her house has to be sold as he is entitled to half and she can't afford to keep it.

She has to move and return to work pronto having given up half her inheritance that her parents hoped would help her.

His fine career and substantial deposit giving him a wonderful start on a new property whilst he has his apartment in the background growing in value.

His job is se ure and he has a fine salary that pays her basic CM which can be diluted if he has more children.

Children get a lot more expensive as they grow.

OP could go from a woman who had a great inheritance to watching her money and juggling.

All because she couldn't have a hard conversation.

He's looking out for himself, that is clear.

He feels entitled to half that house and she is beyond foolish if she can't see that.

Every penny she got from her parents should be ring fenced just like his apartment is ticking away.

@Pluvia It would depend on the circumstances of course.

I was in fact in this circumstance when Mr Joan was off work, although our house is in both our names. However, it is agreed that should I predecease him and he marry again, that person gets nothing and that is legally drawn up, that the “children” get everything. (Children is in quotes as they’re not children, they’re all grown up)

But the husband/partner in this case isn’t left with nothing but has a place that he rents out. And this is only safeguarding in case they split. My understanding is that in the UK, it’s very unusual for men to get custody where they would care full time with the children, so @Littlething would need the house. And also remember, she will have to restart her career as she’s given up her career.

As a a side note, where I live the parents share, strictly 50/50, assuming no safeguarding children issues. So father has this week, mother has next. “Handover” is either after school on Monday or Friday (so the parent collects from school). This is deemed to be scrupulously fair to all parties and expenses are split by each having them half the time. Other things like school fees are 50/50 too. If there’s a house, it’s deemed to be the place where the children reside so the parents move each week, not the kids.