Who should really own our house?

[Littlething]

I will appreciate some advice and fresh perspective on my situation please. Sorry if it is a bit long.
Me and my partner of 15 years (two dc, 11 and 8) are about to exchange on a house that we are buying with the money I inherited from my late parents. There will be a small mortgage, paid out of rental income on my flat in London. We moved to where we are now 2 years ago from London for his job. We were renting here while we were looking for a house to buy paying rent out of the income on my London flat. I have stopped working after my youngest was born, my dp has a good job (architect), that covers our bills. My parents gifted me the flat in London, so we lived rent/mortgage free and they gave us cash for holidays, new car etc, we would not be able to afford it otherwise. We spend rather carefully, shopping in H&M and Lidl but we like to entertain, go to the theatre and children have lots of hobbies. My partner has a flat in London that he bought before we met, he pays mortgage on it and rents it out, so mortgage is covered.
The house we are buying here is small and will need extension and loft conversion, it will be paid for with what’s left out of the money my parents left me. For context, we decided to buy a small house (in a not very ideal location) because it is all we can afford without selling mine or his flats and he is strongly against selling since “it is our pension”.
I agreed to put both our names on the title. I want to make it clear that he is a kind and loving person, he is my best friend and the children adore him. I do not want to upset him by spelling out that it is my money that we are spending on the purchase and renovation. However when I said the other day that I expect to have an upper hand when it comes to decisions to do with renovating (and maybe selling when the children are off to Uni) he got very upset. He feels that he will “pour all his energy, time and skills into the house and will be left with nothing”. He also said he feels his contribution to our finances is major because all his salary is spent every months, he provides for us and this needs to be recognised. AIBU to expect him to see it from my perspective?
Many thanks for reading and sharing what you think.

I felt this too, @Pluvia.

OP. You need to seek legal advice.

Your partner is well within his rights to feel hard done by to spend money on a property he has no legal recourse to.

I'm sorry but you are not married, you are using your inheritance to buy property and you are willing to put his name on it ? Not to be cynical but imagine you own as joint tenants meaning if one dies, the other inherits fully. Now, imagine you die, your partner remarry, doesn't have a will so nothing goes to your children, the new wife gets it all. Would you risk it? If you want his name on it then go for tenants in common option and set % of ownership, i.e. you 70%, him 30%. Anything can happen in life and your biggest concern should be protecting the interests of your children, not your partner.

I think you are missing the sentence where OP said that rent she earns from her London flat covered their rent on the place they are living in. He covers the bills. Surely SAHM or not, that's a huge share of expenses and saving on childcare costs?

Yabu.

Not being trivial here but have you considered getting married if security is what you want? Thought not. You said he is a loving man who is hardworking and devoted. That sounds to me more valuable than any property or gold in the world.

Well let’s look at this from the sensible and grown up perspective.
you don’t work, he is the breadwinner and provider. So you expect him to tolerate simply living in ‘your’ house, but he pays all the bills?
You’re living in a fantasy land.
You are clearly not that sure about him, or you wouldn’t be posing that question on mumsnet

No need to be snarky about OPs shopping preferences. Obviously she was making a point about being careful how she spends. It's all in the context 😁

But with the new property she's wants to stop pouring the flat income down the rental drain, and instead wants to put it all into an accumulating asset not allowing her DP to have the opportunity to do the same. She's going to get asset-wealthier every month as she pays off the mortgage and the property value rises, whereas his salary is going to be relegated to running costs with no ROI.

There's some extreme financial naivety on this thread.

I actually agree with this. He is already having his cake and eating it by enjoying all the financial benefits you mentioned without marrying you, and he now wants to go even further and award himself half of your inheritance from your late parents. He could leave you for someone else tomorrow, and you would then have to sell the house and give him half!

You should sit down and figure out the net worth of all the assets (your flat, his flat) and then the cost of the new house plus what you would have had to pay an architect and builder to do the renovations and then figure out a division of assets that seems comfortable for both of you. Then, in a separate calculation figure out the income coming in from the two flats and your partner's salary AND don't forget to calculate what you would be paying in childcare if you were not a SAHM and see if that is equal. If it's not then the higher "earner" (in quotes because you must give yourself an imputed income for your SAHM work) could balance out the equation in additional sweat equity in the ownership of the new home.

Having said all of that, when you do reach an agreement, then, as others have said, make sure you do a written agreement with a solicitor regarding ownership of the new home.

Because she's paying his rent? 🤔

So it’s OK for her to pay for the roof over their heads while a landlord gets the benefit but not when she does? Regardless of whether it’s rent or mortgage payments, he’s got a very good deal. He must be thrilled to have fallen on his feet into such a cosy nest. Keep the house in your name @Littlething.

I was in a very similar situation , inherited money from parents and bought the house , which two children and husband lived in for 16 years. We both paid bills and never had more than a tiny mortgage. We divorced when he went off with a younger women , now on his third marriage and they are getting younger , latest one same age as our grown up daughter ! He got half the house as it was a long marriage and I got non of his large pension . All done through solicitors .My parents inheritance will never reach my children , their Grandchildren, I have a very small house now and will be working full time until retirement age , I will never be able to help my children on the property ladder etc. I will never forgive him . If I could do things differently I would have put some money / part of the house in the children’s name to protect them . I trusted him which was a big mistake .

Similar situation here, i live with my partner and her children not married…. I have worked to improve it, decorate it, piling time and effort and money into it. But we are a family and that’s what we do to have a good family life.

The house is in her name only. As it should be. I get accomodation and a ready made family to call my own. My contribution is recognised by love and working as a team to solve problems.

We have to think what would happen if we broke up, i’d have no ownership rights over her property, i’d have to make my own way in the world. Why should it be anything other than that, so my personal finances do reflect that, but there kids involved, and why would i risk the roof over their head in the event of a break up.

He has his own property, why does he have to own half of this one…. A compromise would be an agreement now, about protecting your investment, and perhaps you might agree to share a proportion on of the increase in value in the event of a break up, if he is going to be servicing the mortgage on it in full, but that’s at the point you sell and he shouldn’t have the right to make you sell.

Out of interest. Why are you not married? Because he hasn't asked you or because you're not interested?

If the former I'd be inclined to keep this as your asset x

If you will have paid all the money for the house but don’t earn anything then can’t you keep track of his monthly contribution to the family finances and this is him buying a share in the house? Then he’s not ‘wasting his money’. Alternatively he pays rent to live in the house you use his rent to pay for food and household bills. Any expenses you have come out of that and he doesn’t pay for any renovations and can save any leftover money. He could spend that on the kids. Sounds like a complicated situation anyway.

After 15 years together and 2 DCs you're not committed enough to the relationship and still want to go 'my money, my decisions' when it comes to your family home and renovations?

Also he has been providing the bulk of the family expenses for years through his salary while you haven't worked even though at the age of your DCs there isn't any need for parenting during school hours?

Yes. You are being unreasonable. I would take a long hard look why you are not committed to the relationship in a way most people would be in these circumstances and why you feel the need to throw your (inherited, not earned) financial weight around in this way in the relationship.

Yes indeed however she is putting most of the money down with her rental income covering the remaining mortgage. What I don't understand is how an architect doesn't have enough for a deposit to put down so they buy jointly in the first place, or do what I suggested above and do % split.

Make sure you get legal documentation for what money you both put into the house. I would be wary if you are already arguing over money, ownership and decisions regarding renovations. Almost sounds like this is a temporary arrangement.

I think YABU. He has been your partner for 15 years and I think at this point if you don’t feel like what you do (regardless of who paid for what) is a partnership then what’s the point ? If my partner did this to me I’d be very hurt and upset. I think it makes you sound quite spoilt as well actually to basically say well I paid for it so it’s mine. It’s not his fault your parents gifted you so much and he is not in the same position.

This is EXACTLY the same for married couples.

I’ve also been with my partner for 15 years. We have a mortgage which he was able to put a much larger chunk to it. I can’t imagine him ever throwing that in my face as we are partners not business associates !

House in your name only. It’s ridiculous to add his name if it isn’t shared marital funds

Let's be honest, this is one of those times that if the man were doing this to the woman then he'd be absolutely demolished as unreasonable.

"DP and I have been together for 15 years and share two DCs. I work but DP doesn't. DP and I own a flat each, separately - both are let out. DP was gifted his flat. We're in the process of buying a house to live in using more money that DP was gifted. He's said he'll put me on the deeds but that he gets to make all the final decisions on the house decor and renovations. AIBU to be upset?"

I don't think a single poster would respond to that with "DP should not be putting you on the deeds to the house".

I think YABU. His contribution is not insignificant and I can understand his point of view. Why would he want to invest with no security? If he's paying the bills he is subsidising you to be able to own the house exclusively.