Who should really own our house?

[Littlething]

I will appreciate some advice and fresh perspective on my situation please. Sorry if it is a bit long.
Me and my partner of 15 years (two dc, 11 and 8) are about to exchange on a house that we are buying with the money I inherited from my late parents. There will be a small mortgage, paid out of rental income on my flat in London. We moved to where we are now 2 years ago from London for his job. We were renting here while we were looking for a house to buy paying rent out of the income on my London flat. I have stopped working after my youngest was born, my dp has a good job (architect), that covers our bills. My parents gifted me the flat in London, so we lived rent/mortgage free and they gave us cash for holidays, new car etc, we would not be able to afford it otherwise. We spend rather carefully, shopping in H&M and Lidl but we like to entertain, go to the theatre and children have lots of hobbies. My partner has a flat in London that he bought before we met, he pays mortgage on it and rents it out, so mortgage is covered.
The house we are buying here is small and will need extension and loft conversion, it will be paid for with what’s left out of the money my parents left me. For context, we decided to buy a small house (in a not very ideal location) because it is all we can afford without selling mine or his flats and he is strongly against selling since “it is our pension”.
I agreed to put both our names on the title. I want to make it clear that he is a kind and loving person, he is my best friend and the children adore him. I do not want to upset him by spelling out that it is my money that we are spending on the purchase and renovation. However when I said the other day that I expect to have an upper hand when it comes to decisions to do with renovating (and maybe selling when the children are off to Uni) he got very upset. He feels that he will “pour all his energy, time and skills into the house and will be left with nothing”. He also said he feels his contribution to our finances is major because all his salary is spent every months, he provides for us and this needs to be recognised. AIBU to expect him to see it from my perspective?
Many thanks for reading and sharing what you think.

He’s not offering to sell his flat and put the equity in the new house though is he.? No of course but, he’s not stupid.

He hasn't been supporting her 100%. She pays the rent out of her income. Her family's money pay for cars and holidays. And she has sacrificed her career and chance of work to look after their children which enables him to go to work.

OP you could point out in the same way that he "pours all his energy, time and skills into the house and will be left with nothing” that you too have poured all your time and energy and skills into your family and you too could end up with no career or means of supporting yourself.

It seems to me that the time has come to commit and pool your resources. Just go to a registry office and do it. No need for a fuss. Marriage will give you both the security you need. It is made for that purpose and will save a lot of lawyer's fees.

Perhaps Andrea from accounts isn’t as selfish or financially abusive as the OP and actually wants to make a life with him and treat him as an equal.

As I said upthread, the OP’s behaviour and attitude to her partner massively increases the likelihood of the relationship ending IMO! He must love her a lot to have stayed this long. If it were me then being told by my partner that I couldn’t have a say in the family home’s decor as my parents hadn’t handed me the same wealth as his had, would probably be the death blow for the relationship. I’d rather be single and poor than made to feel disrespected and inferior by the person who is supposed to love me and share their life with me. It’s also a bit cringe to be talked down to financially by someone who has literally been handed their assets, and not worked in a decade while someone else has paid the bills…

Just come back and see someone has posted this He has never contributed.

How fucking unfair. As we count down to the next ‘WOHM judge SAHM’ thread, here we have a man who works to support his family but apparently this is literally nothing.

@BoJoGoGo So what happens when the house is to OP’s liking and she decides she wants to sell, she gains the benefit of a free architect who has taken ALL the risk of the mortgage, and also gets ALL of the increase in value and her ringfenced deposit? Sure her partner has his flat - but his input is to be the person the mortgage is assessed on. If you think that’s nothing then I suggest you try and get a mortgage when you have no income.

I’m not saying she shouldn’t ringfence her deposit. But bottom line, she can’t afford this on her own so it shouldn’t be an asset that accumulates only in her name.

If you want to be perfectly fair, you pay for house and pay mortgage. Put house deeds in your name. Get an EA quote on how much it could be rented out for. Charge him half of this amount for living there. From this money you pay half of household bills. This way you both contribute to rental of house and bills. He has a flat in his name and you have a house and flat in your name. He will have a pension and you won't so you need to keep flat as pension and house to live in. If you split up he has his flat and his pension for himself. You have your house and your flat as pension income. He would have to pay maintenance for children unless he did 50:50 care.

I’m torn…

on the one hand, you have paid for pretty much everything, so you should have your name on the house. BUT!!! You are a family, and so it’s not as simple as saying you paid and he didn’t, if it were the other way round the whole of MN would be calling him selfish and tight.

on the other hand…you don’t get to dictate to him on renovating just because you financed it, he is your partner and father of you children, show him more respect.

if in doubt, work out an agreement that if you separate that the house becomes property for the children, or that you have a higher stake in the home etc…but I can’t help but feel from your post that you aren’t fully committed to him

Never in a million years would I put his name, dont do. It will be the stupidest thing youd ever do. Things do go wrong, and no ones seen the future. Protect your assets at all times.

Presumably she'll be taking his name off the mortgage application too

Get an EA quote on how much it could be rented out for. Charge him half of this amount for living there.

Seriously what the fuck 😂

This would only be possible (and fair) if OPs rental income - that is in no way guaranteed - is enough to cover any and all maintenance / repairs / decoration etc on both her rental property AND the family home AS WELL AS half of all bills and family expenses and she pays him market rate for his professional services.

I know London rents are substantial but I just don't see how that's possible considering OP has stated the rental income is enough to cover the mortgage.

To the people pointing out he hasn't been supporting them all because OPs rental income has been paying the rent and parents have been paying for cars - where is that money? I assumed if he had it in savings then they'd be buying the house jointly, and since they aren't, it's likely his income for the last ten years has actually gone into 'the family pot' wether that's school fees or train fares to commute or whatever.

If DP had 10 years worth of rent and car payments sitting in a nest egg my responses would be totally different, but it doesn't sound like that's the case.

If you were supporting yourself financially he could use what he spends being the sole earner to build up his own best egg. You living off him enables you to preserve your assets so they should be shared really.

Fine for you to keep your inheritance to yourself if you're fine for him to keep his salary to himself.

In what bizarre world does that make sense? He's still paying for everything, they're just pretending that half of it is rent. She's still puttering about at home while the children are in school and watching her equity in her property, and its value, rise while he's working to support the entire family and seeing very little back.

This. It’s family money or not really imo. Get married for the piece of paper if you need to

You can't treat your money as your own and his money as family money. If you want to ringfence your inherited deposit then you should reduce the ringfenced sum by an amount to reflect the 50% that you should be contributing to living expenses (both past expenses and future expenses).

The decoration decisions are a separate issue to ownership of the house. Be careful about what you value, OP - being so vigilant about protecting what you perceive to be your individual rights is a surefire to squeeze respect and trust out of a relationship.

Presumably you will advise him to protect his assets and stop paying the 50% of bills for his unemployed DP then?

Can you not be tenants in common!?

My dp and I have this on our house, my deposit is ring fenced so I get that money back if we sell/ split up etc. Then any profit/ equity is split 50/50.

So have it written that all your inheritance comes back to you, both are on the deeds but you are protected.

Imagine you're involved with and hope to spend the rest of your life with someone who has inherited a serious amount of money. You've had children together. For the last eight years you've worked hard to pay for the living expenses of the family while they've been a SAHM. You're expected to go on doing so. And now your partner is looking for ways to ensure that if something goes wrong in future, they keep every penny. If this was a man posting about conserving his fortune while his female partner pays for his food and clothes and day-to-day living expenses you might feel differently.

Two other things that stuck me:

You say you can't buy a more expensive property because he won't sell his flat but you don't mention the fact that you could afford more if you worked - it's not just his choices that are impacting what you can buy, it's yours too.

He is an architect so he will presumably end up doing lots and lots to make the renovations right and probably will save you money by asking the right questions of the builders/have great contacts etc

You say you can't buy a more expensive property because he won't sell his flat but you don't mention the fact that you could afford more if you worked - it's not just his choices that are impacting what you can buy, it's yours too.

The Op also owns a flat. I was thinking similar why hold one to two flats and compromise on the actual house you are living in.

I almost think they should seek, proper legal and financial advice to ensure both their interests are looked after.

Yeah, while you continue paying the mortgage too.. on a house you don't own and have no rights to.

Op sounds a tad cheeky.

Something tells me the OP wasn’t expecting the responses she’s had on this thread…will she be coming back?

I wondered that too @TiddleyWink an odd thread to start and then not return to 🤷‍♀️

Many thanks for all the responses, it is all very valuable and I take it all on board. I intend to go back to work once I have finished my degree, I am studying part time, hoping for career change. I would have happily sold my flat to give us a shot at buying something bigger and better but my oh maintains we need it as pension… his flat is not worth as much and will not make material difference to our buying potential. Our disagreement on reno is to do with the usage of an outbuilding, he wants it for his (eccentric) hobby while I want it for storage.

I think you should both be on the deeds, but in the event of a sale of the property you are entitled to the first x amount