Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws 😤

93 replies

TheRookie · 14/07/2022 03:54

We are away on holiday with my in-laws, we being me, husband and 2 boys, 3 and 1.

I don't know what I'm.expecting from this but DH and I are really.not 'on holiday', we are doing absolutely everything. Bedtimes, nap times, entertaining the children, planning every single activity, booking every meal, cooking etc

Last night was the final straw. We were out for a meal and kids were both tired after a long day. 1 year old did not want to sit in his high chair so I was walking him around the pub, outside, etc in between courses. He ate his tea well but once he was done eating, that was him shouting to be down, when he was down, crawling everywhere. I was feeding him, entertaining him and trying to eat myself while my in laws did absolutely F all to help. They sat drinking their wine and watched me struggle.

DH was keeping 3 yo busy so he was otherwise busy, and when 3 yo had a small meltdown, ILs just kept asking if anyone wanted another drink... Read the F-ing room!!!

We feel like we have been dragging them around doing activities that we have planned and it's like having 4 bloody kids!!!!

AIBU to expect more help?! I never got to finish my meal as was too busy with the baby!

OP posts:
DifficultBloodyWoman · 14/07/2022 04:05

This is what a holiday looks like with young children.

The in-laws are not the problem. Sure, it would be nice if they helped tag team to take some of the pressure off you. But the pressure is still there, just spread around a bit, and that means it isn’t a holiday for any of the adults.

Who suggested a group holiday? Them or your DH?

Sweetpea1532 · 14/07/2022 04:06

@TheRookie
Hi, I'm sorry you're having a rough time of it on what is supposed to be a holiday and that your in-laws aren't helping.
I dont really have any advice, just wanted to let you know a mnetter from the US is thinking about you and the difficulties you're having.
I have one DGS and I would definitely help out if I witnessed this happening. I'm sorry they aren't being more supportiveFlowers

househunt89 · 14/07/2022 04:15

My DC are the same age as yours & both my in-laws and parents would absolutely jump and help. Probably even take over completely so DH and I have a nice break from entertaining the kids constantly and get to eat an entire meal without being disturbed. So I do feel for you 😅

On the other hand lots of my friend's parents or In-laws are not as involved and would just sit there and watch too whilst siping on their wine.

Next time just go on holiday as a family of 4 or maybe when you're out for a meal next. Just ask one of them to look after Ds whilst you finish your meal. I'm sure they won't say no 😅

Original poster
TheRookie · 14/07/2022 04:15

DifficultBloodyWoman · 14/07/2022 04:05

This is what a holiday looks like with young children.

The in-laws are not the problem. Sure, it would be nice if they helped tag team to take some of the pressure off you. But the pressure is still there, just spread around a bit, and that means it isn’t a holiday for any of the adults.

Who suggested a group holiday? Them or your DH?

They did! Usually they come to us but they wanted to do something different. Although it's no bloody different for us. If they wanted a relaxed holiday, they should have just come by themselves as that's what it feels like. I don't mind looking after my own children, don't get me wrong but what does fuck me off is that they are there but about as useless as a chocolate teapot. Just watching and doing nothing. We ask every day, right what does everyone want to do? They say oh just whatever really, whereas we have to do something to keep the kids busy as the cottage isn't really that kid friendly either so can't just chill there and has no garden. Just feels like all the responsibility is on us. I'd rather be at home!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
TheRookie · 14/07/2022 04:16

Sweetpea1532 · 14/07/2022 04:06

@TheRookie
Hi, I'm sorry you're having a rough time of it on what is supposed to be a holiday and that your in-laws aren't helping.
I dont really have any advice, just wanted to let you know a mnetter from the US is thinking about you and the difficulties you're having.
I have one DGS and I would definitely help out if I witnessed this happening. I'm sorry they aren't being more supportiveFlowers

Thank you for this. I know my own parents would happily share any and all the responsibility so everyone can enjoy themselves!

OP posts:
ChampagneLassie · 14/07/2022 04:25

Have you tried asking them? My parents visited abd didn't offer help so I instructed them, they wouldn't really have known what to do - it's a, long time since they had small ones

NumberTheory · 14/07/2022 04:44

ChampagneLassie · 14/07/2022 04:25

Have you tried asking them? My parents visited abd didn't offer help so I instructed them, they wouldn't really have known what to do - it's a, long time since they had small ones

^^ I would start with this.

Next time you’re trying to eat, they’ve finished and the 1 year old is squirming just say “FiL, would you mind taking DS for a few minutes while eat this in peace?”

Your PiL sound like they are trying to be flexible by saying “Oh whatever really” because they don’t want to make you feel like you have to do something that isn’t going to work with the kids.

Holidays with young kids really can suck and not feel like holidays at all. And the promise of some other adults to share the load so you don’t have to feel on duty every second is seductive. Maybe you PiL aren’t those kind of people, but maybe they’re just worried about stepping on your toes and need a little help to understand how you want them to help. It would be odd for them to suggest a holiday with you if they weren’t happy to do something (though I have read enough threads on here to realise there are some very odd people out there).

Snowflakes1122 · 14/07/2022 05:24

Sorry, OP.

My in laws are the same. They would rather pretend not to notice than offer help in a situation like this. Chalked it up to them being reluctant grandparents.

Are they usually hands off with the kids?

On the flip side, they will say they have done their bit having kids and they are on holiday too. But holding the baby so you could eat wouldn’t be too hard, would it?

Malariahilaria · 14/07/2022 05:29

How far from home are you? I'd just go home. Holidays with small kids are bad enough but with inert in laws thats doubly crap. Leave them to it and go back to your better set up at home.

generaldoll · 14/07/2022 05:30

Honestly? Whilst I feel sorry for you, and think they should have helped more, it's the kids that are the problem. Not the inlaws.
They are very young, they need attention, and being out of their comfort zone in a new environment was always going to be tricky.
It might be a bit easier in a year or two

BeautifulWar · 14/07/2022 05:36

Maybe they don't want to tread on your toes? Some people would be offended and perceive it as their PIL interfering or judging their parenting.

How well do you get on with them and how much involvement do they have generally?

CobraChicken · 14/07/2022 05:36

NumberTheory · 14/07/2022 04:44

^^ I would start with this.

Next time you’re trying to eat, they’ve finished and the 1 year old is squirming just say “FiL, would you mind taking DS for a few minutes while eat this in peace?”

Your PiL sound like they are trying to be flexible by saying “Oh whatever really” because they don’t want to make you feel like you have to do something that isn’t going to work with the kids.

Holidays with young kids really can suck and not feel like holidays at all. And the promise of some other adults to share the load so you don’t have to feel on duty every second is seductive. Maybe you PiL aren’t those kind of people, but maybe they’re just worried about stepping on your toes and need a little help to understand how you want them to help. It would be odd for them to suggest a holiday with you if they weren’t happy to do something (though I have read enough threads on here to realise there are some very odd people out there).

Show quote history

Yes, all this!

I remember feeling like you are now towards my inlaws when my kids were little, but since then, now that my own sons are grown (no kids of their own yet) I've since read enough "interfering MIL" threads to be paranoid about being seen as taking over or ignoring boundaries. If/when I have grandchildren, I'm going to be careful to take the lead from their parents - and, possibly sexistly, mostly from their mother. Ask for their help!

WhatNoRaisins · 14/07/2022 05:42

I'd learn from this and not go on holiday with them again. I get what you mean about how it's better to struggle alone than struggle in the presence of a useless bystander.

CobraChicken · 14/07/2022 05:46

To add, I think it's a little unfair to compare their ease and involvement with your children with your own parents. It's not logical, but I think, personally, I'd be less "second guessing" everything if I were a maternal PIL than a paternal PIL. Like I said...bit sexist...and largely influenced by all the stuff I've read on here about when paternal MILs overstep their boundaries.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 14/07/2022 05:46

It’s shit. We have ILs like this. But the flipside is when they’re being so oblivious (intentionally or otherwise) would you really trust them to do anything? Mine, for example, are masters of learned helplessness and yesterday I had to take a sharp bottle opener/corkscrew off my six month old as she was about to put the pointy bit in her mouth. “She wanted to play with it” was the petulant response from an aggrieved PIL who gave it to her. I know they’re doing it on purpose because there’s a long history of unreasonable behaviour, but I am ultimately responsible for my babies and won’t let them get caught in the crossfire of passive aggressive narcs playing control games.

Fairyliz · 14/07/2022 05:47

This thread after thread on MN of women complaining about in-laws wanting to take over, have the children overnight etc.
Yours are probably just trying not to take over or ‘suggest’ in any way you cannot manage your own children.
So ask them, give them jobs to do and be very specific what you want. They are probably petrified of interfering.

CobraChicken · 14/07/2022 05:53

Fairyliz · 14/07/2022 05:47

This thread after thread on MN of women complaining about in-laws wanting to take over, have the children overnight etc.
Yours are probably just trying not to take over or ‘suggest’ in any way you cannot manage your own children.
So ask them, give them jobs to do and be very specific what you want. They are probably petrified of interfering.

Yup! That'd be my guess. Obviously if you ask and they're still no help, that's a very different issue.

maddening · 14/07/2022 05:56

Did you ask one of them to entertain the baby so you could eat? If they don't offer that's one thing but if they refuse reasonable asks for assistance like that then that is another thing.

They may just not be proactive? In which case you will need to keep asking.

nzeire · 14/07/2022 05:56

God you just bought back some memories! Holidays with babies are HARD

swallow your pride, hand over the baby, ask for help. They are oblivious clearly :)

GnomeDePlume · 14/07/2022 06:09

I can remember a holiday where we drove to Spain with DGPs and DCs. The idea was that GPs would help with DCs.

It only took until the first service station stop to realise that we had taken the DCs to look after the GPs. DD1 and DGM would wander round the shop with DD1 gently making sure DGM didn't buy too much.

DS would go with DGF so that he (DGF) didn't get too lost looking at all the continental trucks. DGF fancied himself as a linguist so was always striking up conversations with random truck drivers.

Sparkletastic · 14/07/2022 06:12

Can you, DH and DCs do your own thing today? It doesn't feel so bad if you are just in your own dynamic IMO. Are you self catering? Give up on eating out and get takeaways instead. Holidays with small children can feel harder than being at home because your expectations are higher.

NRRK28 · 14/07/2022 06:49

Holiday with toddler are hard. Hardly holiday. its ever harder than being at home sometimes because my baby doesn’t wanna sleep in new place.

My MIL is single and we often holiday with her a lot. She never wants to help. But i ask her to do things a lot 😂. Usually ask her to help with the kids. Why you don’t just ask gor helps? Or your husband can ask?

Thisismynamenow · 14/07/2022 06:59

Fairyliz · 14/07/2022 05:47

This thread after thread on MN of women complaining about in-laws wanting to take over, have the children overnight etc.
Yours are probably just trying not to take over or ‘suggest’ in any way you cannot manage your own children.
So ask them, give them jobs to do and be very specific what you want. They are probably petrified of interfering.

This.

Apparently women of mumsnet despise inlaws regardless of what they do. They help and their overbearing, controlling and trying to steal your babies. They don't help and their not caring and uninterested.

Maybe ask them to help?

HTH1 · 14/07/2022 07:05

I wouldn’t bother going on holiday with them again if I were you.

Maybe think about the type of holiday you next go on with such young children. It would be a lot easier if you go for an all inclusive with built in entertainment, pool etc and the meals right there without having to drag tiny children out to restaurants (often buffet, so instant and suitable for picky eaters).

JemimaPuddleducksWaddle · 14/07/2022 07:09

ILs can't win. Get complained about if they help, get complained about if they don't.

Swipe left for the next trending thread