In laws 😤

[TheRookie]

We are away on holiday with my in-laws, we being me, husband and 2 boys, 3 and 1.

I don't know what I'm.expecting from this but DH and I are really.not 'on holiday', we are doing absolutely everything. Bedtimes, nap times, entertaining the children, planning every single activity, booking every meal, cooking etc

Last night was the final straw. We were out for a meal and kids were both tired after a long day. 1 year old did not want to sit in his high chair so I was walking him around the pub, outside, etc in between courses. He ate his tea well but once he was done eating, that was him shouting to be down, when he was down, crawling everywhere. I was feeding him, entertaining him and trying to eat myself while my in laws did absolutely F all to help. They sat drinking their wine and watched me struggle.

DH was keeping 3 yo busy so he was otherwise busy, and when 3 yo had a small meltdown, ILs just kept asking if anyone wanted another drink... Read the F-ing room!!!

We feel like we have been dragging them around doing activities that we have planned and it's like having 4 bloody kids!!!!

AIBU to expect more help?! I never got to finish my meal as was too busy with the baby!

@SeSeasonFinale he was busy with the 3yo and just as pissed off with his parents that they weren't bothering to interact with him even though he was trying to speak to them and ask them to help with colouring.

It was around this point in my kids lives that I declared I wasn't going out for dinner while on holiday with the inlaws (or in general) with kids because it was really stressful and i didn't enjoy it. Lunch is much better to eat out with kids. And holidays with young kids can be fun. Stop doing anything for the in laws. Stay in and get take away int he evening with the money you would have spent at a restaurant and enjoy a drink and once the kids are asleep. Plan minimal activities!

Agree dinners out with little ones is a nightmare and it'll be tough to do this every night. My son is almost 2 and we have only been out for dinner a few times. Have to go early, look at the menu and decide what we're all having before we get there, order as we are sat down at the table, in and out like the SAS 😅

We haven't been away much but I've always booked self catering, take a few meals I've prepared previously and frozen so I don't have to cook much.

I'd just send your inlaws out to dinner on their own as it sounds like an ordeal to all be at a restaurant every night.

YANBU

Ohh sorry you’re having a bit of a rubbish time, you’re not alone. I just had the EXACT same “family” holiday with my ILs. DH and I just doing tag-team for two weeks with an audience 😂

Prior to the holiday we were promised the moon but once there the excuses were endless. We are learning to accept that what effort they make is more telling than what they say and that they do not really want to be active GPs.

They had a normal adult holiday and we were there having a separate family holiday.

It’s absolutely their prerogative to have a good holiday but if we end up barely seeing them (except when it’s convenient for them) then there’s not much incentive to spend future holidays with them, it’s a waste of money and AL.

This was the second holiday where this has happened and we both went home much more frazzled and disappointed than if we had holidayed alone as a family. We’ve decided we won’t bother again. Lesson learned!

I am generally not a passive aggressive or petty person - prefer direct confrontation and sorting out issues there and then - however in your situation and with ILs like yours what I would do is:

Agree to go for dinner tonight, book a place, keep quiet/pretend you are intending to go "I fancy ordering something with chicken tonight". Then when it's time to go say the kids are too tired, they should go without you and you and DH will just stay in and have toast or something.

Don't make yourself a martyr. You either ask for help and get to enjoy yourselves or you continue to struggle on and wonder why they're not getting involved and have a shit holiday. They don't want to intrude on parenting but if you ask them for example "Can you have X on your lap for a minute please? Just read this book with him so I can eat my dinner". They're not parents to tiny children, you are! You can't expect them to read your mind.

Plan shorter days or let them do their own thing in the evening while you do bedtime routine and then have dinner/ a film together when the kids are in bed. Take the pressure of yourselves by not squeezing 500 activities and a long dinner into one day

This morning you tell them that you will be eating evening meals in the holiday cottage from now on, and that the chores need to be shared. If they would rather go out to eat they can go on their own without you as it doesn't work for you.

Just do simple meals like pasta with ready made tomato sauce and other pre-made dishes. This will save on the washing up as well.

And ask if you need help instead of seething silently. Sadly, some people need the obvious pointing out to them before they will do anything.

I’d never take my toddler dc to a pub for a meal, he just cannot stay still for long enough and sends my stress through the roof! My PIL would help try and entertain a little bit, but wouldn’t be able to wrangle the kids in a pub or restaurant.

maybe just switch to having an easy lunch out - maybe a picnic as often the kids don’t like what’s on offer at attractions (or it is just junk) then make dinner at home so kids can wind down, then bath and bed.

Pretty soon we figured out all our holidays now have to be entirely about making sure the kids are content, not under-stimulated or over-tired. We pick destinations and invite GPs accordingly. For an active holiday with lots of day trips, GPs won’t come as they don’t have the energy for it. But something with a pool or beach, we can make it work. My youngest is now 4 so GPs can do bedtimes more easily, and they will sometimes babysit so we get a night off on holiday but we don’t assume anything.

It sounds like the in-laws have just completely forgotten what a holiday is like with small children and didn't consider at all that a toddler and a baby need constant entertaining, early nights etc. I think in their eyes, they invited you on their holiday and you chose to come, so they're just trying to carry on doing what suits them. The fact that they paid no attention to your three-year-old when he wanted to talk to them about his colouring kind of suggests to me that they might now be slightly regretting inviting you, now that they've been reminded what being around little children is like when it's 24/7. I reckon they've just completely failed to think the whole thing through!

Agree with PPs that you and your DH should ask them to help out a bit with the kids, even if it's just doing the 'nice' stuff like playing with them and entertaining them or taking them for a walk. I also think it would be fine for you to suggest doing separate things during the day - if they want to do something more grown-up or even just relax in the cottage while you take the kids to somewhere family friendly or just where your toddler can run about and/or splash in water while you sit in the sunshine, you will at least not have to worrying about finding activities that the in-laws will enjoy. Similarly, if you and DH want to eat at the cottage with the kids, there's no reason the in-laws can't go out for dinner without you if they insist on eating out every night. I know that means you'll still be looking after the kids all the time, but at least you'd be able to do it at your own pace without the in-laws to worry about as well.

Like you, I have parents who would totally help out without being asked - my mum LOVES being useful - so I know it can be a bit of a surprise when you encounter family who never so much as offer to make a cuppa!

It sounds like the in-laws have just completely forgotten what a holiday is like with small children and didn't consider at all that a toddler and a baby need constant entertaining, early nights etc. I think in their eyes, they invited you on their holiday and you chose to come, so they're just trying to carry on doing what suits them.

This. In my experience, family members that are older or without children have a hard time understanding that babies and toddlers aren't the same as adults and don't just slot nicely into our schedules.

We've recently had a trip away with our IL and (albeit much younger) baby and discovered this. Fortunately we were staying in seperate accommodation and made it clear that for most of the trip we would be doing our own thing, but met most days during the daytime. Evenings were a no go (we tried).

This thread has reminded me of a time when we were on holiday, stopped overnight at a hotel.

We were trying to get three DCs fed and out. DC3 was having none of it. She wouldn't stay in the high chair, didn't want food, just wanted to be held and make a lot of noise.

Eventually a lovely older German lady took pity on us and offered to take DC3 for a walk round the gardens while the rest of us finished our meal. She said she needed the practice as she had twin DGCs due soon!

You shouldn't have "presumed" they'd take him.

You made the choice to have 2 kids so close together and you chose to take them away on holiday even though it's well known that holidays with v young children are a bit of a nightmare.

It's cheeky of you to assume that anyone else would take on your responsibilities.

Why have you appointed yourself holiday skivvy?

Tell your husband you will alternate with the children. He minds the 1 year old today.

Tell your husband that he needs to tell HIS parents to help out with chores and that HE is in charge of food.

Stop being a skivvy to these people.

Stop allowing your husband watch you be a skivvy to his family.

Never go on holiday with them againand tell your selfish husband why.

Stand up for yourself.

Anyone ask you how the holiday was, tell the truth, awful and won't be happening again.

That holiday is not a holiday.

With children that young I would rather be at home.

No garden should have been a clue.

Go home early if you can.

Stop being a passive skivvy.

Send them out for food, tell them you're only cooking for the children.

Holidays with young children absolutely do not have to be a nightmare. We had loads of lovely ones. However, choosing a cottage that is not child friendly and doesn't have a garden was a bit of a recipe for trouble.

But yes, your in laws do sounds very annoying

Must cost an absolute fortune to eat out every night for 2 weeks (misses point of thread). But seriously OP, its rubbish that they won't offer to cook even once or even heat up pizza. They sound like hard work.

This is really good advice. I can identify with this.

Also, some of our best holidays have been with other families at the same stage (or even better, a couple of ~10 year olds happy to play with the younger ones while you sit in your deckchair and supervise) you can cook at child mealtimes, eat at places that are easy with kids and take it in turns for story time etc.