In laws 😤

[TheRookie]

We are away on holiday with my in-laws, we being me, husband and 2 boys, 3 and 1.

I don't know what I'm.expecting from this but DH and I are really.not 'on holiday', we are doing absolutely everything. Bedtimes, nap times, entertaining the children, planning every single activity, booking every meal, cooking etc

Last night was the final straw. We were out for a meal and kids were both tired after a long day. 1 year old did not want to sit in his high chair so I was walking him around the pub, outside, etc in between courses. He ate his tea well but once he was done eating, that was him shouting to be down, when he was down, crawling everywhere. I was feeding him, entertaining him and trying to eat myself while my in laws did absolutely F all to help. They sat drinking their wine and watched me struggle.

DH was keeping 3 yo busy so he was otherwise busy, and when 3 yo had a small meltdown, ILs just kept asking if anyone wanted another drink... Read the F-ing room!!!

We feel like we have been dragging them around doing activities that we have planned and it's like having 4 bloody kids!!!!

AIBU to expect more help?! I never got to finish my meal as was too busy with the baby!

Have you asked them, or are you waiting for ghem to offer?

I think the expectation to spend all day every
Day together is too much and will
Increase friction. Particularly with them not being hands on.

Get up this morning and say breezily you are heading out for the day and will see you back at the cottage for tea/early evening. Could they sort tea out/we'll have fish and chips on the way home so dont worry about us etc.

A day doing your own thing will do you all good.

Agree with previous poster of being direct and asking or even telling. DH and i would enjoy a walk. Back in an hour (take can on gin from fridge). Hand 1 year old over during dinner 'go to grandad. Mummys turn to eat tea'. My mum knew to just step in. Mother in law had to be asked but was actually fine when she was.

I’ve always thought part of the bonus of going on holiday with in laws or my parents is help with my kids; not entirely sure I’d go with my in laws if that wasn’t part of it (bad as that may sound). My mum isn’t particularly hands on but even she helps

I get what you mean about in laws being like extra children.

We recently went on holiday with ILs and MIL (62) was like a lost child. Asking where we were going, where things are in the location we were at, where the cash point was, do we have this or that in the cottage. We'd never been to this place either! We were just Google mapping things and looking up places, which she could do, she's very internet savvy and well travelled.

It just felt as though she wanted us to organise/facilitate everything. We didn't know any of these things either!

It sounds like they do see you as their entertainers.

Are they self-sufficient at least when they stay at yours or are you expected to run around after them, cooking meals etc?

If yes, invite yourself to theirs and have them run around after you.

My parents and MIL would have absolutely helped out so that everyone managed to eat their food. I don't know how they can sit there watching you struggle.

Urgh I remember holidays with dc in the uk and they aren't nice. At least if you're abroad you get all inclusive drinks and can play with them in the pool rather than thinking of things to do

As another pp said, have you asked them? 'Pil, would one of you mind walking ds round in his pushchair whilst I finish my dinner'
'How about you take the kids for an ice cream whilst we get ready'
'Any chance one of you could feed ds'

Sometimes pil are so petrified of being accused of taking over, they swing the other way and do nothing, especially if they aren't the parents of the mother. My mil was lovely but didn't want to be seen as stepping on my toes so wouldn't offer anything.

My parents were a bit like this on our recent holiday. Mostly sat on the sofa observing my son play. It was the first time they'd met him as they live abroad/covid times. I dont think they knew what to do.
After a day I'd ask my Mum to help with meal prep which she was good at ie. Preparing a fruit platter for a snack every afternoon and helping to make DS dinner and adult dinner. I allocated them an evening to cook for the adults and they did a couple of trips to the supermarket. They also babysat one evening once my son had gone to bed and DH and I went out for a lovely meal.
Perhaps you or DH can ask for help in other areas as they just might be a bit daunted by the childcare?

I’d have snapped at exactly that point. That and the drink offer.

’’Could somebody please hold Billy while I actually eat my dinner? I think trying to have a drink is the least of my ambitions right now.”

Holidays with small kids are more about getting them used to different environments than having a holiday. The best you can hope for is someone else cooking your meals.
Unless the ILs specifically offered to share childcare, it isn't unusual.

Like pp said, have you asked for help?

Did they pay and ignore your requests and needs and book the place without a garden for two young children? I’m guessing not. That’s not their fault.

They may seem passive about what you do each day - but why is that them being like children, and not them being really flexible because you have children? You know what will entertain your kids, and they’re happy to fit with that.

As for running around with kids at an evening meal… I loved those early years. I never saw that as a pain, it was fun. If you want a break, use your words and just ask them. As someone suggested, “hey FIL, can you hold the 1yo for 10 minutes whilst I eat?”

This is what being a parent is - it’s not for PIL to do it for you. ASK!

Last night was the final straw. We were out for a meal and kids were both tired after a long day.

Why did you plan a long day and a meal out? Or if the long day wasn’t planned, why didn’t you cancel the meal out? You set yourself up for this.

1 year old did not want to sit in his high chair so I was walking him around the pub, outside, etc in between courses.

I always loved that about this age… walking them round, seeing them explore, chatting about new things… I wouldn’t have wanted anyone to take over. From the outside, and because you didn’t say anything, are you sure you didn’t just look like you were having fun playing with your child? You are 2 adults with 2 children. An easy ratio. And you’re on holiday to be with them. Why would PIL think you want help if you don’t ask?

I also think they might just need to be asked. The nor planning anything and saying they don't mind what you do I would definitely assume is because they don't want to make you do anything with the DC that wouldn't work and don't want you to feel they've pushed you into something they and you won't enjoy.

And if they aren't confident about how to help they won't offer. A quick "could you take baby for a little walk while I eat" would go a long way.

Obviously if you do ask and they refuse that's another matter but getting arsey because they aren't mind readers and don't want to step on your toes is a bit pointless.

Some people just don't 'get it' so I would suggest you make it super obvious? If you're comfortable leaving the little ones with them, ask if you can have 'a night off' and will they babysit while you and DH go out for dinner.

On family holidays, there's sometimes an expectation that everyone will pitch in but unless that's clearly communicated, some people just 'don't get the memo'.
The reverse happened on one of my family holidays when a family member just assumed that as I have no kids, that I was a built-in childminding service the whole time. Almost every day there was an expectation that I'd be happy to take the kids and 'give them a break'. Of course I was happy to help but not the entire week!

Often times these situations are down to unspoken expectations and can be resolved by asking for what you want. Good luck!

I also want to know if you have asked for help.

Maybe they don't want to feel that they are overstepping boundaries, and since you haven't asked for help they maybe think you don't need any.

Thanks everyone. You're all right, I didn't ask! That is probably what I should have done rather than seething inside about their lack of help. Maybe I do compare them too much to my own parents who would never just watch. My Mum is the kind of Grandma that would eat her tea super fast and be up helping with kids without even a need to ask, she is extremely hands on though and we live nearer them. Next time, I will just hand over a child. Although previously I have done that and just get comments like wow he's very wriggly isn't he, oh he's trying to climb on the table, oh he's too heavy for me to carry around 🙈 they are young grandparents at 53 and 55!!! I think my own 80 year old Grannie is more hands on.

To the person who said did they book and pay for the inappropriate cottage, yes they did! We have no say, they booked it then asked us if we would like to come. There are plenty of things to do around here but it just feels like we have to be the ones to decide. They ask us questions like how do we get there, what time does it open, what's the weather like there, should I bring a brolly, is there a cafe? Rather than just Google it like we would do!

We are here for another 5 days. But I have now said I won't be going out with the kids again for tea, they're worn out. Although if we don't eat out, we will have to cook every night as there is only 1 takeaway round here. We got oven pizzas the other night and ILs complained that was hard work and they are on their holidays!!!

Think I would rather be at work.

@Testina don't get me wrong, I love walking my baby around, showing him things and exploring, but I do it every god damn day 🤣 someone saying here I'll have a wander with him while you finish your burger, have a glass of wine etc would have been ace! Even when I was crawling around on the floor picking up discarded food, and cleaning the high chair, he was sitting on the floor shouting for attention and no one thought to pick him up!

When my grandson was about9 months we went to Zizzis, my dh , son , sons partner grandson and me. Like my son my grandson was not a calm settled baby. Anyway he was very fretful and we all took turns walking up and down with him trying to calm him. My grandson was not impressed and continued to be fretful until suddenly he stopped crying while my husband was taking his turn. My husband checked to see if he’d fallen asleep, no. My husband walked a couple of steps forward and the crying started again. He backed up, the crying stopped. What was the problem or rather what was the solution. After looking around we spied the pizza oven. Turned out he loved the huge pizza oven. As long as he could see it, he was calm and happy. It was the funniest thing. The other patrons must have thought we were nuts as one by one we walked 2 steps forward and 2 back taking it in turns so everyone got a chance to eat. It is something that makes us smile every time we go there and he’s 16 now.

Yours are probably just trying not to take over or ‘suggest’ in any way you cannot manage your own children.
So ask them, give them jobs to do and be very specific what you want. They are probably petrified of interfering.

Exactly that. Your kids were playing up and they might well have felt that stepping in might be taken as criticism. I can imagine the OP from a mother claiming exactly that when her MIL took over in the same situation.

Communicate for goodness sake, instead of expecting them to read your minds.

someone saying here I'll have a wander with him while you finish your burger, have a glass of wine etc would have been ace!

Again, you're expecting mind reading.
"MIL/FIL, would you mind just taking him for a minute or two while I eat, it I'm never going to get through this meal!"

“Even when I was crawling around on the floor picking up discarded food, and cleaning the high chair, he was sitting on the floor shouting for attention and no one thought to pick him up!”

That can also be a difference in parenting approach. Perhaps your PIL think that actually it’s perfectly fine to leave a child shouting for a couple of minutes and you don’t need to helicopter in and scoop them up instantly?

This is why we go on family friendly all inclusive holidays. Look at Tui family blue.

Why didn’t your DH take the baby to allow you to eat? Whilst your in laws are shit bags for not doing anything to help you excusing your DH as he was entertaining a 3yr old is not on.

a 3yr old can be easily looked after in a restaurant, pens paper etc. your DH should have stepped in and allowed you to eat. He could have also asked his parents to help too. He seems as bad as them and happily watched his wife struggle and your blaming in-laws

Ask..... why should they just 'see' you want help.
Stop eating out with small kids. Tomorrow say 'do you know what would be really nice? If we chilled round here and you cooked us an evening meal' or something like that.