In laws 😤

[TheRookie]

We are away on holiday with my in-laws, we being me, husband and 2 boys, 3 and 1.

I don't know what I'm.expecting from this but DH and I are really.not 'on holiday', we are doing absolutely everything. Bedtimes, nap times, entertaining the children, planning every single activity, booking every meal, cooking etc

Last night was the final straw. We were out for a meal and kids were both tired after a long day. 1 year old did not want to sit in his high chair so I was walking him around the pub, outside, etc in between courses. He ate his tea well but once he was done eating, that was him shouting to be down, when he was down, crawling everywhere. I was feeding him, entertaining him and trying to eat myself while my in laws did absolutely F all to help. They sat drinking their wine and watched me struggle.

DH was keeping 3 yo busy so he was otherwise busy, and when 3 yo had a small meltdown, ILs just kept asking if anyone wanted another drink... Read the F-ing room!!!

We feel like we have been dragging them around doing activities that we have planned and it's like having 4 bloody kids!!!!

AIBU to expect more help?! I never got to finish my meal as was too busy with the baby!

This is why I think holidays with such young kids are not a good idea, plus they don't remember them anyway! A lot of money for a lot of stress.

Given they don't seem to have any idea of how they want to spend their time and are happy to leave it to you to come up with ways to everyone, I would use it to your advantage.

Tomorrow when you ask them what they want to do and they say "oh, just whatever" then say, "Great! We thought the kids would love some quality time with you, so you can take them to Xxx activity and DH and I will have some couples time doing Yyy! Here are the details of where to go, we will see you at the end of the day - have fun!"

Communicate for goodness sake, instead of expecting them to read your minds.

SIL does this all the time, which annoys everyone. No-one offers to help her these days when she passively aggressively plays the martyr for want of asking.

All she needs to do is ask and she will get all the help she needs, and you should do the same.

As they are in their 50s why are they behaving like old people? I'm 63 and am perfectly capable of using the Internet to find out local information.

Why can't they go out for a meal in the evening on their own? And why don't you just buy some easy meals to heat up rather than spend all of your holiday cooking?

I wouldn't call it mind reading in this context. If you can see someone isn't getting a chance to eat and you've finished your food it's just common sense and being a decent person to offer to take over if you can.

My Mum is the kind of Grandma that would eat her tea super fast and be up helping with kids without even a need to ask, she is extremely hands on though and we live nearer them
This is the basis for many a 'has my MIL over stepped the mark' threads....
When they ask 'what time does it open etc' just say 'oh I don't know could you google it... '

Ok I concede I should have asked and will next time. Think I am just used to my family who don't need asked!

My DH was eating his own meal, helping 3yo with his tea, then colouring, chatting with him and taking him to the loo, then trying to sort out his tantrum when there was no time for pudding so he was busy enough and barely time to eat his own meal. The same happened at lunch time and they say on their phones at a picnic table while we took it in turns to eat sandwiches on the floor while chasing the baby around the grass. I get it, that's what parenting is but I just would never let anyone else struggle and not get to eat while caring for kids. I would always offer any help, I've cut friends food up for them while they feed their babies, and I've held babies to let mums eat etc without being asked! It's just weird to me

Yes - communicate and set expectations before you even go on holiday

e.g. say we would like help with childcare, please could you take them to the park, please could you babysit 1 evening so we can go for an adult meal out.
If they are crap at childcare ask them to prepare meals in advance or do the meal prep every night

They're crap at child care and they also would never ever cook on holiday. Their ideal is going out for dinner every night which isn't possible with small kids so we do the cooking. Even pizzas were too much for them.

So, they go out without you in the evening.

I have never been able to understand why people who include the extended family on holiday feel that they have to be in each other's pockets 24/7.

Even when it has just been the three of us - DH, DD and me, we have often done different things while away, e.g. DD and I have been in boat trips that DH wasn't interested in. He likes 10 mile walks, which we aren't interested in. So, sometimes we do our own thing then meet up again in the evening.

Why can't your ILs do that? They aren't even old. They are only in their 50s.

My DS and his DW got mightily offended and stroppy when my DM had the audacity to pick up their toddler without asking. ILs really can't win.

@TheRookie so you know now that they don't see any of this - they are 'chaos blind' or they don't want to intrude or step on your toes.

You know now that you and your DH will have to ask or tell them to do stuff or they won't do anything.

@TheRookie tell them to bring a frozen meal then - they can either make it themselves in advance or get something from Cook. We do this a lot when we go on holiday.

If they are being deliberately obtuse and difficult at every suggestion, then I would seriously rethink about going on holiday with them again. At the moment, with young children, you are not compatible and they are adding more stress which isn't what you want or need

Tell them to go out for dinner on their own. They might not feel able to suggest it themselves.

I don't understand how you and your DP haven't discussed this with them. I'd have talked the hell out of it by now, with everything from looking up suggestions for Places Of Interest to telling them to bugger off out on their own for the evening and you'll be happy with the kids and a simple tea.

I would echo PP’s, just ask, I would offer gladly but I would also not wish to offend a future DIL incase she took offence. Can’t you just have a chat, perhaps PIL could have the kids and you go out for an evening, MIL always did this for me & DH if we went on holiday together. Remember PIL can’t read your mind.

It's a pity that your in-laws haven't chosen to help out with the childcare. Maybe they don't want to interfere.

Have you directly asked them for help? Did you say to them, "would you mind giving me a hand with X and taking him for a little walk in the garden, so I can finish eating?" Most people, when directly asked, would be too embarrassed to say no. You may find that they're just not confident enough to simply step in and take over, but would be willing to help when given instructions as to what you would like them to do.

I don't think it's possible for adults to have a genuine "holiday" if they have young children with them! It might be easier not to bother with holidays until the youngest child is about 4 or 5, then you might stand a chance of actually enjoying the experience!

I agree with this!
Work out what it is you'd like them to do and ask them calmly and politely to help. Repeat as necessary. Maybe even the day before. Ask them if they are comfortable doing it and give them a chance to have their say too. I wish I'd done this years ago. I'm sure you will find a way through this. Our DC hated watching adults sitting around in resturants at that age but it passes so quickly. Best of luck.

I'm not sure why some parents seem to think that a holiday has to involve a holiday from parenting. It's absolutely possible to have lovely holidays with toddlers, as long as you enjoy the things that are nice and different about being away, rather get frustrated about the things that are the same.

I find it really sad that people don't think a holiday is worth it if you still have to parent, and because the children won't remember it when they're 30. The kids were having fun at the time, and that's all that matters.

The difficulty for the OP is that the holiday is revolving round the in laws preferences and not hers and the kids'. But again, they all need to communicate.

Send the IL out for dinner & get them to bring you something back - most restaurants will box up a dinner to go. A night or 2 with them out and you guys doing your own thing in the house will give you some space - alternatively go home & leave them there if it's too much. No point stressing for the next 5 days

What you said about 4 kids not 2 chimes with me & our experience of holidaying with parents. And even though your kids are yours to cope with and you'd have to do the same for them if you were on your own but having 2 additional adults does make it harder. The mental load increases. My parents wouldn't commit to anything, one time we were on last day and I suggested a place to visit and DM said "oh we hoped you'd say that, we really want to go there" - bloody suggest it then, no one put me in charge. Even things like hanging back to let us go first to ask for a table in a cafe or asking what I'm making for tea all adds up.
What helped us was booking separate accommodation, getting each person to suggest an activity at beginning of week, doing online shop together before we leave to plan and divide meal prep eg, I'll get all the stuff for picnics if you get couple of evening meals. Also plan a day or two to do your own thing or state before you go in somewhere that you'll split and do your own thing, sell it to benefit them "yes we can go to x but we'll give you peace to explore the gardens and take kids to blow off steam at the park".

It’s the children that’s the problem, not your PILs. Don’t make life more difficult than it needs to be: eat at home or take a picnic. I bet everyone in the restaurant was praying for you to leave.

Hi op we are on holiday soon with two year old and seven year old. We are expecting to just tag team the workload to be honest. Going on holiday with a 1 and 3 year old is an oxymoron. The kids don’t care and their needs are so high at that age it’s not worth it and as for eating out and drinking in charge of toddlers I think you are setting the bar so high to even consider that you or your husband can have a holiday with kids that age. Wait until they are 6 and 4 and then you might have a chance of a half decent time on holiday.

I’m coming through the other side of this, but very similar with my own parents being very hands on & in laws relaxing with wine whilst passing comment!

What has helped:

lowering my expectations - they are not the same as my parents.

asking if I do need help immediately

getting DH to do the bulk of the communication and therefore expectation management.

going out for lunch as the main meal, rather than dinner. They can choose to take themselves off for an evening meal too, but at least you’re not dealing with meltdowns! I find lunch is quicker too, less opportunities for wine after wine!

My children are 3 and 1 and need to eat. We went a 5pm so we were out before it got busy and it was a family pub. They are just babies and I'll thank you to not slag off my children when you've no idea. The whole reason I'm saying it would have been nice to have help was so not to have a shouty 1 year old in a high chair. I walked around with him and he was happy as Larry but I wasn't happy cause I hadn't finished eating. I don't let my kids scream in public, and my husband took the 3yo out when he started off on one as well. FFS.

Also I never said I wanted a break from parenting. I said I wanted a break for 10 minutes to finish my burger. Don't think that's too much to ask. What I should have done was ask for someone to hold the baby rather than presume that other reasonable human beings would offer. Jesus.

May I ask why didn't DH take over either?

Also we don't want to take the kids out for tea but I also don't want to sit at home every evening cooking and cleaning up after with no offer to help. It's just laziness.