WWYD? Dreading mother’s behaviour.

[Helldiddleydingdongcrap]

I have a public performance on Saturday. I haven’t told my mother about this performance as I didn’t want her coming, but somebody else has and now she’s decided she’s coming.

my mother is excruciating, she constantly makes comments about my weight and my disability and invites others to do the same, even though I’ve explained how uncomfortable it makes me feel and asked her not to several times. As far as she’s concerned it’s not insulting because I’m slim, and it’s my own problem if I’m embarrassed by her constantly talking about my disability. she wants to say these things and she doesn’t think there’s any reason why she shouldn’t.

I have tried every single method of coping with these constant public comments, ignoring, laughing, witty retorts, eye rolling, nothing works. I am dreading Saturday, it’s turned something that I was looking forward to into something I’m dreading.

Mumsnet, what can I do? I’ve had it up to here with my mother’s public commenting about me, it’s humiliating and I’m not sure I can put up with it anymore. how the hell can I make her stop without being nasty and making myself look bad? I can’t even keep away from her because she’ll speak louder just so I can hear her and to get my attention. She’s only coming to lord it up about her slim daughter who is so talented despite her disability, she shows zero interest in me the rest of the time.

Is it a paid event? Can you make sure she doesn’t have a ticket?
TBH long term I would be saying just how hurtful it is. And if she didn’t stop it then block and ignore.
I do hope your performance goes well.

Forgot to disable voting, sorry.

Yes it is a paid event, but I have absolutely no control over who can buy tickets.

Yes, I'd certainly be having stern words with them.

Tell her in no uncertain terms before the event that she's not welcome if she can't keep her unwanted opinions to herself and if she doesn't listen and acts up remove her from your life.

Stop being so worried about being 'nice' to her, clearly she doesn't share the same worries. "I'm sick to the back teeth of your comments, time to give it a rest. Next time you make any disparaging comments on my appearance / disability I am getting up and walking out." You need to follow through so she sees you mean it.

If she makes comments in front of other people; "I have asked you stop with the comments, you are being rude." And just walk off. Honestly, I bet everyone else finds her rude too and will be silently clapping for you.

Best of luck on Saturday, I hope you manage to enjoy it despite her attendance!

I would issue her with an ultimatum that if she continues with that sort of behaviour at this event you will massively distance yourself from her the following day.
Or find a way to get her entry blocked at the door so she isnt able to get in.
All the best with your performance - hoping she doesnt ruin the experience for you xx

Are you able to have a discrete word with the organiser? Do they know what your mother looks like? (or could you give them a picture and description?) If so, and they would be supportive of you, you could ask them not to sell her a ticket on the door ("sold out" "Covid distancing concerns", etc) and ask her to leave?

I'm not sure what else to suggest if she won't respect your wishes in not attending. Can you pre-warn some of your fellow performers/friends to look after you after the performance and deflect her comments? And have a quick escape-route planned?

I speak as someone with a very critical parent who has recently shown that they still think it's acceptable to hit me in public if they "disapprove" of anything I say. I'm 46. 😢

I don't think she will ever change. But you can change how you feel about it or how much you let it get to you. Have a look at the Stately Homes threads on here, the latest one is www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4531618-April-2022-well-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes, but there are other full threads in the same subject going back a few years. And also you might find the Grey Rock technique helpful in handling her in future. Lots of info. online if you Google it.

I'm really sorry. But I hope your performance will be a great success. Every good wish to you. x

Do you think this message will do?

hi Mum, when we’re at the performance on Saturday please can you refrain from making comments about my weight/appearance/disability and encouraging others to do so as well? I know you think this is harmless but as I’ve explained to you before, it makes me hugely uncomfortable and I want to be able to enjoy my day.

She’ll probably just message me back implying I’ve been nasty to her, but I need to get it out the way beforehand. You never know, she might get the hump and choose not to come after all.

Do you have a friend in the performance who can be on high alert? I have done this on a few occasions, just keep my eye out if the person is interacting with the target (your mother in this case) and go over to distract / change conversation / tell you "oh you must come over here and just...". Also the person who told your mother is in the bad books!

Tell her you can't stop her attending as it's a public performance, but you won't be engaging with her due to her previous and continuing comments.

If you are on the stage and she is in the audience, she can't make comments. Will she comment afterwards?
In that case I would just tell her that you don't want or need her opinion.
Good luck with your performance.

If she makes comments in front of other people; "I have asked you stop with the comments, you are being rude." And just walk off. Honestly, I bet everyone else finds her rude too and will be silently clapping for you. this is perfect

I know what I would want to send to her:

"Mum, we've spoken before about how hurtful your comments can be, and I think you don't understand me, because you haven't stopped. So, it's become necessary for me to speak very plainly. If you make blunt personal comments about my appearance, skills, disability, aptitude or anything else, it will have a seriously damaging impact on our relationship. I don't want that, and I hope you don't either. If you decide to come to the performance on Saturday, you need to be positive and encouraging, or silent."

I hope it goes well at the weekend.

That's spot on. I hope it all goes well for you and you enjoy your concert. If she does start saying things that make you feel uncomfortable call her out on it.

Sorry, this is probably a huge drip feed.

The person who would usually give me a lift is the fiance of a family member of my mother’s friend, so word has got to her via them. They can’t give me a lift however because they are taking a car full of equipment. The event is quite a distance away and my disability means I can’t drive, so they’ve cooked up this plan where my mother and her friend will give me a lift with my gear. I could get a taxi each way but it would cost me probably £60, which I can’t afford, and my gear is big and heavy. They’ve kind of got me boxed in.

Can the organiser recommend anyone else who is going who could give you a lift?

I’ll ask about if I need to. I’ve sent her this, so let’s see what happens.

Hi mom, I need to get something out the way before Saturday because it’s playing on my mind. Please refrain from making comments about my weight/appearance/disability, and inviting other people to do so. I’ve told you before how uncomfortable it makes me and I want to be able to enjoy my day without feeling humiliated and like a piece of meat.

if she messages back in a strop I’ll tell her not to bother coming.

If you wanted to give us some examples of things she'll say, we could tell you what to say.

I think witty retorts are out, along with eye rolling etc. be clear she's out of order

Well done! That was a very well-phrased text. And you've done the right (and brave) thing in sending it. You deserve to be respected and appreciated and shouldn't have to live in perpetual terror of what her next outburst of "wit" at your expense is going to be.

Grim, isn't it, how these things can affect us so much? I've worked very hard to be respected in my field and generally liked. But one look, word or gesture from that one certain person can instantly reduce me to a crying, humiliated and frightened 7 year old again. But she won't change and any attempt to engage with stuff will only make me the loser each time, so I have to change how I react and deal with it. It's not fair, but it's all I can do.

For me, it's interesting, however, that recently other people have noticed the inappropriateness of some comments and reactions. I've refrained from responding to anything said, but certainly others have noticed - a forthcoming annual social event invitation to "my one" has been withdrawn because of comments and behaviour last year. Perhaps others have noticed and disapproved of the way you have been spoken to as well, though people might not have wanted to speak up (possibly afraid of getting the same treatment themselves). Not much consolation, I know. But some small comfort in an unhappy situation.

Every good wish to you. x

The problem is that they are mostly ostensibly nice comments, or couched as a joke, so pushing back against it makes me look bad. ‘Doesn’t Hell look slim, don’t you think she looks slim? Look at those legs.’ ‘Hell is so independent you know, with her disability and all. She lives on her own and everything.’ If I say anything she says ‘oh she’s so funny about it, can’t take a compliment. She’s always had a chip on her shoulder.’ Oh and her old favourite, making comments about my short hair and lack of desire to be feminine, said in an indulgingly patronising voice.

she just does it out of the blue, no prompting or context, just blurts it out.

I don't think a message in advance will achieve much, particularly as you are reliant on her for a lift.

You could try a technique called bean dipping. Every time she makes one of her remarks, respond as quickly as you can with something totally unrelated. So DM " Isn't it amazing how thin @Helldiddleydingdongcrap is and such a good performance - you know she's disabled don't you ? " You " Gosh I can't believe how hot it is - I hope people weren't too warm in the audience ".

Have a few stock phrases ready, others will soon realise how uncomfortable you are with your DMs topic of conversation and will hopefully latch on to your chat instead.

Worth a try anyway and should really unsettle your DM.

Pursed lips smile - nod, "Well, we all just do our best." Repeat with no reaction. That works well for me. Then, if it goes on, addressed to the other people in her 'audience' "I'm sorry, would you excuse me?" and move away. Flat refusal to engage with or feed -

‘Doesn’t Hell look slim, don’t you think she looks slim? Look at those legs.’ - would be no reaction from me beyond possibly a small smile and nod.

‘Hell is so independent you know, with her disability and all. She lives on her own and everything.’ - possibly another small smile and nod and "I enjoy my home."

‘oh she’s so funny about it, can’t take a compliment. She’s always had a chip on her shoulder.’ - for me, no response, though on a brave day: a small smile and "I can't imagine why..."

But a basic, flat response on repeat gets boring very quickly. You can refuse to engage whilst still being polite. Then, the more she casts around for "entertainment" at your expense in the face of your flat, calm, unresponsive politeness, the more unhinged and mean she appears to her listeners. It might be hurtful to you in the short term (I know that it is, despite outward impassive expression), but others (maybe not all, but definitely some) will sense what's going on.

Quiet dignity, on permanent repeat, and don't feed the troll. Though I know that's easier to say than do, especially in the moment.

You can do it. xx

As they are helping you I’d just ignore any comments. Play “annoying comment bingo” in your head - it’s a good way to be pleased when your predictions are right, rather than annoyed or upset.

i wouldn’t bother messaging her, nor would I engage with any such comments.

In future, make sure you’ve got arrangements in place so that you don’t need to involve her at all.