WWYD? Dreading mother’s behaviour.

[Helldiddleydingdongcrap]

I have a public performance on Saturday. I haven’t told my mother about this performance as I didn’t want her coming, but somebody else has and now she’s decided she’s coming.

my mother is excruciating, she constantly makes comments about my weight and my disability and invites others to do the same, even though I’ve explained how uncomfortable it makes me feel and asked her not to several times. As far as she’s concerned it’s not insulting because I’m slim, and it’s my own problem if I’m embarrassed by her constantly talking about my disability. she wants to say these things and she doesn’t think there’s any reason why she shouldn’t.

I have tried every single method of coping with these constant public comments, ignoring, laughing, witty retorts, eye rolling, nothing works. I am dreading Saturday, it’s turned something that I was looking forward to into something I’m dreading.

Mumsnet, what can I do? I’ve had it up to here with my mother’s public commenting about me, it’s humiliating and I’m not sure I can put up with it anymore. how the hell can I make her stop without being nasty and making myself look bad? I can’t even keep away from her because she’ll speak louder just so I can hear her and to get my attention. She’s only coming to lord it up about her slim daughter who is so talented despite her disability, she shows zero interest in me the rest of the time.

My jaw is already dropping from what you've said already!! I'm just cringing.

I see plenty of scope for sarcastic comments from you though.

[to the other person, talking about your mum as if she's not there, like she does to you] "Well, I did live across the country for 20 years, but it's important to make the elderly feel needed isn't it?"

Or go on the offensive: "I used to live in XXX but I moved back to be closer help my mum as she's not getting any younger. Not that she'll admit she needs help, bless her." Play her at her own game.

Also - wtf does being blind have to do with your ability to stay slim??!!! 😂Does she think you wouldn't notice if you started putting on weight because you can't see yourself in the mirror?? 😂

Could you ham it up to mock her. Join in with “Oh yes [mumsfriend] look at me me me and my beautiful long slim legs, I’m surprised mother has waited so long to tell you all about them, especially because I’m disabled and everything. I’m such an amazing person in every way, beautiful inside and out. Honestly, mum really is being too modest about me me me me and ALL my achievements and fabulousness. But it’s OK, mum doesn’t want you think that me me me being amazing should make you think how much better than you and you cankled children she is by virtue of me. Isn’t that right mum?”

I am so angry on your behalf, OP.

I'd be sorely tempted to give the organiser of the event your mother's name and photo and say that you are not able to perform if this woman is in the venue. And mean it. I'd go back to your usual lift giver and ask that they give you a lift and come up with alternative plan for the other gear. I'd ask them to keep your business private from your mother.

Gaffer tape has many uses.

I have secured alternative transport for me and my gear, so she can do what the hell she likes.

I haven’t communicated with her since the last message I posted on here, saying if she can’t manage not to make comments then not to come, but otherwise stop being silly and I’ll see her on Saturday. She then sent me another few volleies of ridiculousness to try and provoke me, which I have ignored. She’s one of these people who loves to accuse you of always wanting the last word, it’ll really wind her up that I haven’t bitten.

anyway she’ll probably be in a right state for the rest of the week wondering whether to come or not. I don’t know if she’ll cut off her nose to spite her face but her last message was, ‘don’t bank on me being there on Saturday.’ I mean really, as if she’s punishing me by not turning up to an event I deliberately didn’t invite her to in the first place.

Keep ignoring. She won't come is my bet.

Sounds good. If she suggests you are being nasty, ask her if she can think why that could possibly be...

You might also mention that not only does she embarrass you, she embarrasses herself. Try not to let her get to you. Try not to react. If she gets not response, she might give up.

OMG OP! This is SO like my mother I actually hit the "I'm on" thread button by mistake which opened a thread of mine and I didn't realise! Literally word for word she says the same things - all except for a disability but she would love to milk that one. In fact she was a guide for holidays for blind and partially sighted people before Corona and didn't everybody know.

I think it's would be satisfying to shut her up in public but all that'll happen is she plays the victim. She'll look super hurt so someone gives her attention, even if it means sloping off "quietly" (ie in a way that everybody sees) crying "silently". You're a nice person and she's not. She's got years of practice at this and she won't hesitate to make you look bad/upset you. Just excuse yourself from anybody else there and walk away. Every time. It's the equivalent of muting her.

Longer term I think you may find Dr Romani interesting. m.youtube.com/user/DoctorRamanDurvasula

btw her comments are worse than being a bitch, they're ableist. If you wanted to retort to her comments in public or tackle them from that angle. "I'm blind, not incompetent" or "I'm blind, not ugly." But she'll still make the comment about having a chip on your shoulder and not being able to take a "compliment".

I hope you can enjoy your performance on Saturday.

This

Plus I'd sabotage her attempts at travel. Ensure whoever gives her a lift, gets 'lost'. Hide her car keys or her bus pas.

Thank you for that. Yes, responding to her is pointless because she will always find away to make it all about her. Honestly, the things that she says to me are utterly vile, then she turns it around and tells everyone it’s me whose upset her. She’ll literally deny all the things she said to me over message yesterday, even with the messages placed in front of her she’ll still deny it. She’s absolutely toxic, I should have cut her out years ago. Most of the time she’s fine, as long as she’s got things going her own way, but every time she feels even slightly criticized she lays in to me with such vitriol.

Do you take pleasure from alienating people around you?
Not surprising folks don’t stick around. Everything I’ve ever said about you is with pride and the best of intentions. How many more times do you intend to rip into me.
Quite honestly I’ve had enough of it. This has come right out of the blue and you are obviously embarrassed by me, so it’s better to leave it at that!

this was one of the doozies from yesterday. It’s a running theme when she has a go at me, that I alienate people, yet every single time I’ve asked her who it is I’ve alienated she can’t tell me. It used to push my buttons because I’ve always lacked confidence, is it any wonder with a mother like her, but now I can see it’s all projection. Last time I really pushed her on this point she flipped to saying I was always playing the victim, and it wasn’t her fault I married my violent ex-husband. That’s the kind of person she is. I really wish other people could see just exactly how nasty she is to me, they wouldn’t think she was so wonderful then. This time it was all conducted over texts though so I’ve got the receipts, and if she comes on Saturday and starts giving it large I won’t hesitate. I am really fucking done with her this time. I know I say it every time but Jesus, this is my mother, somebody who should care about me. I would never ever treat my own child like this, ever. I’ve blocked her number, for now at least.

Wow Hell, she really is a piece of work. I'm so sorry.

You're right, block her and do not respond. Let those words of hers hang there.

Be warned for the 'flying monkeys' though - others who will swoop in with "your mum is only trying to support you / only trying to be nice / why are you mean to her? / you must work it out with her". They don't know the full picture. Have those messages ready to show them if they descend. Your lack of response/retaliation to repeated texts of nastiness will tell its own, clear story.

And stay strong and keep blocking. She obviously delights in tormenting you and then making it your "unreasonable" fault when you resist. Don't give her fire the oxygen of your reactions.

Best wishes. x

@Helldiddleydingdongcrap All the very best for your performance; hope all goes well. x

Honestly, if she starts up with the comments, I’d confront immediately. ‘This is the kind of shit I asked you to stop saying, yet here we fucking go again. Why don’t you shut up?’ I’d be no holds barred. Hope today goes brilliantly and she doesn’t come.

Good luck xx

How did it go?