WWYD? Dreading mother’s behaviour.

[Helldiddleydingdongcrap]

I have a public performance on Saturday. I haven’t told my mother about this performance as I didn’t want her coming, but somebody else has and now she’s decided she’s coming.

my mother is excruciating, she constantly makes comments about my weight and my disability and invites others to do the same, even though I’ve explained how uncomfortable it makes me feel and asked her not to several times. As far as she’s concerned it’s not insulting because I’m slim, and it’s my own problem if I’m embarrassed by her constantly talking about my disability. she wants to say these things and she doesn’t think there’s any reason why she shouldn’t.

I have tried every single method of coping with these constant public comments, ignoring, laughing, witty retorts, eye rolling, nothing works. I am dreading Saturday, it’s turned something that I was looking forward to into something I’m dreading.

Mumsnet, what can I do? I’ve had it up to here with my mother’s public commenting about me, it’s humiliating and I’m not sure I can put up with it anymore. how the hell can I make her stop without being nasty and making myself look bad? I can’t even keep away from her because she’ll speak louder just so I can hear her and to get my attention. She’s only coming to lord it up about her slim daughter who is so talented despite her disability, she shows zero interest in me the rest of the time.

oh God yeah, that’s done it now, it’s just a string of messages now. I haven’t responded to any of them but still she continues.

Oh god, nightmare. Mute or archive her!

This seems like a good response.

and you can adapt it as needed.

Mum, we've spoken before about how hurtful your comments can be, and I think you don't understand me, because you haven't stopped. So, it's become necessary for me to speak very plainly. You continue to make blunt personal comments about my appearance, skills, disability, aptitude or anything else, that has had a seriously damaging impact on our relationship. Our relationship has become highly abusive so … If you wish to come to the performance on Saturday, you need to be totally silent."

This is classic. She is saying that you "misunderstood" her and her intentions and is blaming you for this. It's all about how wrong YOU are and how she is "only trying to help / show affection". What she now wants (and will probably text you again more than once to try and achieve) is for you to say "I'm sorry, you're right. I didn't mean to upset you, mom. Please come."

I think you are wise enough to spot that though. Stay strong. xx

The only thing you should say in response is, "After some thought, you not attending is the best course of action."

Your mother is a fucking nightmare, btw. Time for NC.

I apologise OP
/ I hadn’t read your updates.

alternative transport - refund her ticket and tell her she will not be allowed entry - do this all in advance.

tell her she is barred from the event

Use this but say at the start of the message "Please stop with the incessant texting about how your feeling about this. This isn't about how you feel but about how I feel when you talk about me in anyway shape or form, when I'm there or not."
Then add the suggested wording by @Bunce1 .

Just one more message, and then put her on mute for a week!

Yes, I’ve had several, maybe I should just not speak to you at all if you’re so embarrassed by me. Then I got a full rant about how I alienate people and nobody wants to be my friend.

I responded: Oh mother, don’t start this. Sometimes you make comments about me that make me feel uncomfortable, something that I have discussed with you before. I’ve asked you not to make those sorts of comments on Saturday, that is all. If it’s something you feel you can’t do then don’t come, otherwise stop being silly and I’ll see you on Saturday.

fuck me she does my head in. If she comes back with any more bullshit I’m gonna call her bluff and say that actually I am done and block her everywhere.

Even little children can learn not to make personal remarks. I wonder why she struggles so much with it?

Just disengage. Don't bother reading the messages, it'll just be more of the same. You know the saying: "What do you expect from a pig but a grunt"? The things she chooses to say tell everyone exactly what kind of person she is.

The "not tugging on the rope" advice by PP is perfect.

My mother does this. Me and my sister are VLC, my brother is NC. I go grey rock with her and just don't respond if she is saying anything antagonistic. DSis has now started doing the same so she'll get several messages where my mum is blowing up at her, which are ignored. Then mum will calm down and she'll start sending the guilt tripping "I'm not angry, just disappointed" type messages. Again they are ignored. A day later she normally sends the apologies. DSis doesn't engage at all and the drama blows over. These episodes are becoming less frequent and we're all considerably less stressed for it.

Your messages so far are perfect, and I think you should stop engaging now until she becomes less antagonistic. I hope you manage to find an alternative lift for Saturday and you have a lovely time.

Yeah, I’m getting more of the same. I’m just letting the messages rack up.

Jesus

you need to find alternative way of getting there or unfortunately pull out. I wouldn't give her satisfaction. enough with low contact. you sound just lovely and if you're in northern ireland , I'll come and pick you up, drop you off, wait for you and harass your poor mother lol, and bring you home.

Precisely why i am nc with my dm. She sent a huge Woe Is Me letter. I never replied.
10 years ago.
10 years of peace and quiet.
And no criticism in my life whatsoever..
Def recommend it op.

I’m not in NI but thank you. I’m going to ask around, see if I can get a lift off someone else.

I shan’t reply again and by tomorrow she’ll be panicking.

Your mother: 'maybe I should just not speak to you at all if you’re so embarrassed by me.'

Your response: 'excellent idea, let's go with that'

Then block her.

I’ve just gone quiet and put her on mute. She wants to draw me into a tit-for-tat so I’ll give her some ammunition to slag me off. I can’t be bothered with that. I’m kind of kicking myself for telling her to stop being silly, but compared to her outbursts it’s rather innocuous. If she wants to slag me off to her friend then I’ve got the receipts.

If she starts with the comments on Saturday, you can always say with a bright smile and gritted teeth, 'you know those comment I was talking about and asking you to refrain from, Mother Dearest? There's one right now'

'Oh look, another one'

'And another one!!'

'Mother, you're on fire here!'

FFS, they're the sorts of comments you'd make about a child - well, not the "nice legs" comment exactly, but talking about them in the third person and inviting everyone to admire them. She's basically treating you as though you're not an equal of all the other adults in the room. It's patronising as hell. How embarrassing for you.

Oh God yes, it’s because I’ve got a disability, I’m blind. I moved to another part of the country for 20 years and hardly saw her, but moved back a couple of years ago for various reasons. I thought, stupidly, that she might be better, now I am, you know, a middle-aged woman. Alas no, she is not, and she’s far more venomous now she can’t control me.

it was during Covid when I came back and she offered to help me with the shopping. This is before I learnt my lesson. We were standing in the queue outside Asda, just getting to the front where the member of staff was letting people in, and she started mouthing off very loudly, ‘they should let us go in first, can’t they see she’s blind?’ Honestly if it wasn’t so humiliating it would be hilarious. There’s nothing wrong with my mobility BTW.

then as we were going round she’d turn the corner into another aisle and announce, ‘I’m helping my daughter with her shopping because she’s blind.’

then again at the checkout. ‘I’m helping my daughter with her shopping. She is very independent, she lives on her own with her DS, she just needs a bit of help with shopping.’ Me, ‘yes mother, I don’t know how I managed without you for 20 years living in (insert place name at the other end of the country.)’ her, ‘you see what I mean, she doesn’t like to think she needs any extra help.’

needless to say all my shopping has been done without any help from my mother from then on.

I should write all these into a sketch show.

OMFG, you need a leg of a lamb and a patio. I'm prepared to donate one, and help lay the other.

I do not know how you have managed to put up with such revolting displays from her!

Next time it is appropriate to respond...

'I completely understand that you think these comments are complimentary, are positive, are nice... but I find them unpleasant and patronising, so regardless of your intentions, please stop making them'.

I totally get it... my sister has to blurt out about how shes my 'carer' (SHE IS NOT!) when we go anywhere together, huffing and puffing and making a drama like 'im such a SAINT looking after my sister'.

I ignore it on the days she is paid to PA for me (now long gone, I just cannot), which basically involves fetching and carrying and driving, and NO care work at all... but when we've just decided to go somewhere together, it is INFURIATING.

Funnily enough now I do actually need a carer with me to do actual care work, she won't do it.

Oh yes, she’s always saying how she’ll help us however she can, she’ll always be there for us, no matter what, until such a time arises, then suddenly she can’t because reasons.

I could fill an entire thread with things that my mother has said and done that would make your jaw drop. Everyone else thinks she’s fabulous though, for a while.

WiddlinDiddlin, I remember about your sister!

I have an relative, and her and her daughter were peas in a pod. Her daughter had a child that had a condition that meant that sometimes she was incapacitated. They milked that for all it was worth, despite the poor child's protests, including forcing her to sit in a wheelchair when she didn't need to, so they could be the sainted mother and grandmama.