WWYD? Dreading mother’s behaviour.

[Helldiddleydingdongcrap]

I have a public performance on Saturday. I haven’t told my mother about this performance as I didn’t want her coming, but somebody else has and now she’s decided she’s coming.

my mother is excruciating, she constantly makes comments about my weight and my disability and invites others to do the same, even though I’ve explained how uncomfortable it makes me feel and asked her not to several times. As far as she’s concerned it’s not insulting because I’m slim, and it’s my own problem if I’m embarrassed by her constantly talking about my disability. she wants to say these things and she doesn’t think there’s any reason why she shouldn’t.

I have tried every single method of coping with these constant public comments, ignoring, laughing, witty retorts, eye rolling, nothing works. I am dreading Saturday, it’s turned something that I was looking forward to into something I’m dreading.

Mumsnet, what can I do? I’ve had it up to here with my mother’s public commenting about me, it’s humiliating and I’m not sure I can put up with it anymore. how the hell can I make her stop without being nasty and making myself look bad? I can’t even keep away from her because she’ll speak louder just so I can hear her and to get my attention. She’s only coming to lord it up about her slim daughter who is so talented despite her disability, she shows zero interest in me the rest of the time.

And here we go, exactly the response I expected…
What and when did I commit this offence and to whom?

I haven’t given specifics, although I could if I chose. I’ve just reiterated that we’ve discussed it several times. She has continued to deny all knowledge of any comments or discussion between us.

my most recent response is the following: we shall see where we go from here.

Well Mum, I mentioned comments about my body to you the other week when we had the barbecue, and we have discussed this sort of thing before on a few occasions where I’ve expressed my discomfort. It’s very important to me and I’ve found it difficult to speak to you about it, it’s taken me quite a bit of courage, so I’m disappointed that you don’t remember.

Just go N/C. She doesn't deserve a place in your life.

If you try and message her, she will twist what you say to justify her unreasonable behaviour.

You cannot win against people like this.

I got shot of my own Mum last year and it has been life changing.

You could try responding in kind.

"Sorry everyone, I know it's awkward when mother keeps making these unnecessary remarks about my body, but no matter how many times I politely ask her to stop doing it she insists on embarrassing me so let's all talk about the weather for half a minute & move on. Isn't it hot!/windy!/lovely today!"

Obviously this is not going to be easy first time - BUT ... it has the benefit of clearly outlining YOUR discomfort & your MOTHER's godawful patronising & rudeness. Other people will soon pick up on her dominance display - whether they understand the behaviour in those terms or not, they will feel it - & you will then be able to use a kind of social shorthand with those who have heard her bang on before & you using this technique to highlight & then deflect:

[rolling your eyes] "Here we go again with the body remarks, put a sock in it mother nobody wants to hear you being embarrassingly personal - hey, who's up for cake? / Julia, what did you think of news item XYZ / did you see how glorious neighbour's flowers are looking" - etc etc.

In essence:

1. challenge but IN THE THIRD PERSON like she does to you - "look what mother is doing again
2. stay breezy, retain control, insist on a subject change
3. do NOT worry about how 'clunky' & deliberate the technique looks - because that is the entire point of it. Mother cannot behave - you have to step in, you expect everybody else's understanding & compliance.

I hope you can enact this, your mother is being a two-faced bitch but passing it off as "accepable social commentary" - she seriously needs putting in her place. As you say that she doesn't bother with you unless it is to advance her OWN social capital, I don't think this technique is too harsh - because frankly it's no skin off your nose if the rude bitch DARVO's & huffs about it - you have NO NEED to respect the feelings of a woman who deliberately tramples on yours.
www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

Honestly, you can't control her. She will fake amnesia so so never has to apologise or meet your needs.

I know people on here mean well but trying to stop someone who wants all the attention all the time is impossible.

Now she’s just feigning innocence, saying that they’re always nice comments and that they are compliments, and that she like it if someone said that about her. I said it’s irrelevant how she’d feel about them, or whether or not she thinks my feelings are justified because I don’t like it.

she’s not responded for a few minutes because she’s kind of got nowhere to go, so one of two things will happen. She’ll either launch a full-scale character assassination on me or she’ll ignore. Either way I shall ignore.

I have never said this to anyone before about their parent, but I think you have tried hard enough to get her to stop in the past, but she continues anyway, not caring how much she hurts or embarrasses you. So I think that you should seriously consider saying to her that you don't want her there, her presence will ruin the experience for you, so if she turns up you will be going no contact with her - and don't give her a time limit, as far as she is considered she should believe it is permanent.

I would add to that, what no contact actually means ie. you will block her phone, block her on social media if you share any, return any snail mail unopened, not open the door to her if she turns up at your home, and last but not least, tell her that if she trys to get any family members - or friends - to intervene between the two of you, you will not talk to them about it either.

You sound lovely OP, you have been much kinder and more patient than I would have been! Because of your loveliness you will probably be very much against what I have suggested, but I honestly think that your mother sounds like she will only pay attention to drastic action from you.

Unfortunately, if she still turns up at your event then you will need to go through with your ultimatum, and if you know that you can't do that, then please don't say anything to her in the first place, because when it does eventually become to much for you - and I really believe that it will - you will not have any negotiating tools that she believes in. As long as you don't tell your mother, or anyone else who knows her (as at least one person who knows her cannot be trusted) then in your own mind you can have an initial first time limit on your no contact decision. I would suggest that your minimum time limit the first time is no shorter than 3 months, and no longer than 6 months, as long as she stops trying to change your mind after the first week or two.

If you do all of that, but after you are back in lowish contact to begin with, she starts back with her old tricks, then I think you would need to go NC for at least a year. I am in my 60's so I am very aware of time passing, I obviously don't know how old your Mother is, or what state of health she is in, but I know that you will want to take that into consideration when deciding the length of any no contact you decide upon.

Unless your Mother was an awful Mum when you were a child, then I doubt that you will want to go permanently NC, and hopefully your Mother will learn quite quickly to stop being so impossible to be around. As PP have said, I really do hope that you get to enjoy your performance.

Oh here we go

Ok fair enough, I dont think I’m getting it right lately, maybe I will refrain from making any observations about you. Weird and I really don’t understand but no problem to me. I’m not a angry, upset or anything, just a bit perplexed

i’ve just sent a thumbs up

Couched as a joke —- my mother did this exactly, it’s purely passive aggressive.

Do you have a friend, or a couple of them who can marshal her, keep them talking to her? Have one sentence at the ready to shut her down. You and any close friends there all say the same sentence. “That sort of comment is unacceptable, please be quiet now” or similar Nothing else just the one sentence repeated. I’ve used this and it’s worked.
I hope your mother gets laryngitis on Saturday and you have a wonderful evening.

With that response, I'd agree with others - don't engage. She's feigning ignorance of her behaviour to undermine you. She will go on to say that you "misunderstood/misheard her".
Also expect "It's because I love/want the best for you".

Also be prepared for "you know I love you!" and a conditional "apology" - likely to be potential routes to chip away at you further.

I'd be inclined to send "We have discussed this before." if anything at all, and leave it at that. Nothing else, whatever she says.

Probably also look out for "Hell says I constantly criticize and embarrass her! I only..." when in company now.

And do consider going low/no contact. And grey rock all the time (www.drpsychmom.com/2021/12/12/how-to-gray-rock-your-difficult-family-members-or-co-parents/, mywellbeing.com/for-therapists/grey-rock-technique#:~:text=Grey%20Rock%20Technique%20with%20Adult%20Kids%2018%2B&text=A%20parent%20who%20has%20been,person%20their%20other%20parent%20is.). I'm sorry - I wish you happier times ahead. x

I've had to go no contact with mine for deep criticism in the past. Stately homes was amazing. Three times no contact really worked (last one was two months)
It's fine now. Lots of compliments or just general concern. My mother had significant mental health issues though.

Best wishes for Saturday. I would have suggested paying for the taxi but it's very expensive.

Honestly I should have gone no contact with her so many times, I just find it really hard. Both me and my sister are very low contact. Everything is about her, she has to be a central character in every single thing. Something horrendous happens in mine or my sister’s life and she can’t talk to us because it upsets her too much. She will go nuclear with the most vicious verbal attack for the smallest perceived slight, and believe me when I say she’s said some absolutely vile things. I’ve started to set boundaries with her and when she does it I just don’t speak to her. Her new tactic is to apologise, ‘sorry I’ve upset you. I don’t know what I’ve done to upset you but I’m sorry.’ This is genuinely the closest to an apology you will get out of my mother for anything. Last time she launched one of these attacks was in front of my 14 year old son, she tried to get him to join in having a go at. I’d taken mild exception at something she said so she flew at me saying I was vicious and nasty, nobody likes me, I’ve got a chip on my shoulder and I’m going to alienate my son if I’m not careful. he was gobsmacked at her behaviour, and then he laughed at her subsequent non-apology because it was so ridiculous. my problem is just that I’m a doormat when it comes to my mother. and of course most of the time she’s fine, but I wouldn’t take that level of shit from anyone else, but I do from her.

That won't be the last of it from her. My mother used to say what have I done wrong after mocking me constantly. My whole family took her side all the time. Now i get told I don't get too involved.. not hard to see why.

She will likely pull out of Saturday. Have a back up plan

Yes, I’m going to see if I can arrange alternative transport. I’m torn between thinking she’ll pull out to spite me or she won’t be able to resist coming because fomo, but either way I’m going to make alternative arrangements if it’s at all possible.

My advice is to just say "I'd rather you didn't comment at all on my appearance, my disability or anything really to do with me, back to me or to in fact to anyone else. I'm not a topic for discussion or comment, positive or negative. If, out of all of the other topics to discuss on the planet you cannot do as I ask, you will leave me with no alternative but to cut contact with you. Your choice."

See what she says to something like that.

I’ve sent a variation on that.

If you genuinely have no idea what I’m on about and think you might not be able to avoid making me feel uncomfortable, then I’d rather you didn’t discuss anything at all to do with me, my appearance, disability or anything else, either to me or to anyone else. Every single other topic of conversation on the planet is up for grabs, so I can’t imagine you’ll struggle for something to talk about.

Now awaiting the verbal abuse/guilt trip. I’m now muting her messages until I can be arsed to deal with her shit.

@Dreamer2020 - I think you might want to start your own thread there...I'm wondering what your situation has to do with the Op's one?

I get it you don’t have to spell it out. I shan’t discuss you in any shape or form. Seems my conversations and what I consider a normal proud parent would say are unacceptable. If you’d rather I didn’t come on Saturday to ensure I don’t make any errors then I’ll make my excuses to x.
I don’t wish to spoil your day.

i’ve just responded ‘entirely up to you.’

You sound very sweet and like you’ve been tolerating this for a long time OP. Can you speak to another family member about how you are feeling, so when she makes one of those comments they can say “I don’t think X likes it when you say that” or “you really shouldn’t be talking about X in a way that makes them uncomfortable”. Maybe if it comes from a third party she’ll be a bit more embarrassed and mindful in future.

Oh dear, I was right. Now I’m getting, maybe I should just not talk to you at all, if I embarrass you so much then there’s no alternative. She wasn’t upset before but now I’m pushing her buttons apparently. I’ve just ignored.

Oh pack your bags your mum is sending you on a guilt trip!

I would say-

It is really simple, and how you choose to proceed is your choice. I think you do understand my position, and I do understand you feel like you're coming from a place or love or pride. But I do not like it, and you said you got that. There doesn't need to be more said on the matter. See you soon x

Your message was great OP, just right.

With regard to the apparent 'compliments' I would be inclined to say; "can you please stop talking about me as though I'm not here."

I think you've handled it just right OP. Definitely ignore any further ramblings.

Someone once told me to just "drop your end of the rope". She can keep tugging on it and getting no response and it will infuriate her which is a bonus!

There is no point in messaging her or getting involved in a discussion. I have learned this over many years (with therapy!)