MIL told pregnancy news without permission (I have history of miscarriage)

[daisyhrl]

I am fuming... and trying to work out whether it's just trauma reactivated or whether I have a right to be as angry as I am.

We got pregnant the first time at the same time as one of my husband's cousins. It's a close family, and we were starting the new generation, so announced our pregnancies to the family together. I'd had an early scan, so thought things were ok, but by my 3 month scan, baby's heartbeat had stopped (at 11 weeks). Was devastated and hated having to tell everyone. Cousin's pregnancy went well and brought healthy baby girl.

Our second pregnancy gave us our gorgeous daughter.

I'm now pregnant again, but it's still early. Didn't want to tell anyone, but mother in law (MIL) was coming to visit and I've been feeling so ill we had to share with her. She promised she'd keep quiet.

Today, my husband gets a message from his cousin – they are pregnant again – and my MIL just told them we are too. Her words to them (she's said nothing to us): "I've been so good not telling anyone so far". Ummmmm you just told?? And to the people I'd probably least like to know right now, given our history. (It also means the wider family will know now – they're all rubbish at keeping secrets.) I'm trying not to spiral, but it just feels like it's happening all over again, with us and them pregnant at the same time, and them knowing about us while there's still a substantial risk of me miscarrying... I so wanted to keep the pregnancy protected and private, at least until we've had a scan and I've had a chance to process properly.

How would you handle this situation? Confrontation that involves showing how hurt I am, or just a quiet "you idiot, you weren't supposed to tell! haha"?

You're not over-reacting, it's hugely disrespectful of your MIL, especially given the difficult circumstances you've already been through.

Once the baby is born he or she will be a grandchild, but during your pregnancy it's your personal medical information that your MIL is sharing. Women's bodies don't become public property when they're pregnant.

She's proved that she can't be trusted, so I definitely wouldn't be giving her any more information. And once the baby is born, make sure you let important people know before telling your MIL, as it's not fair for them to get second-hand news.

This is exactly why MIL’s get lied to and not told news. She’s bitten herself on the arse. You’ll trust her less in future.

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP. You should definitely confront her imo, as she had broken your trust and caused you hurt , and you need to express this. I am not so sure that processing it privately will be of as much help to you as saying your piece. Why should you bottle it up? And as for wider famkly knowing that you are upset, well why not? They will see what an insensitive and untrustworthy person your Mil has been, and may well be people who have more sensitivity to your feelings.
Maybe, first, before you say anything, get your DH as others have suggested to tell his mother off for breaking her promise, and he should tell her how upset you have been made to feel by it. Then you can follow up.
In future, do not trust her with any private information, particularly about the pregnancy or birth. And make her wait as Inertia says above.

I’d tell her in no uncertain terms how unacceptable it was, why and let her know you won’t be telling her anything like that again in future. I’ve been through two miscarriages and I know how it feels, YANBU, & so sorry for your previous loss.

This is the sort of thing my mother would do, so I tell her nothing now and didn't announce my pregnancy to her until after 12 weeks. You have every right to be annoyed and in the future don't tell her anything. Maybe get OH to have a word with her and tell her you are upset that she broke her promise and that due to past loss, that is why you didn't want others knowing yet.

This is good advice. Tell her yourself, she needs to hear it from you with your DH nodding in agreement behind you.

You want to keep a secret then don't tell anyone.

No excuse for it.

Pregnancy loss is so awful and once you have had a loss, it is hard to ever feel confident, or maybe thats just me.

I would calmly focus on the breach of trust and NEVER tell her anything again.

This is your medical information that she was included in, just never give her any information again.

I cannot abide people who cannot be trusted to keep something to themselves.