Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL told pregnancy news without permission (I have history of miscarriage)

83 replies

daisyhrl · 13/07/2022 09:09

I am fuming... and trying to work out whether it's just trauma reactivated or whether I have a right to be as angry as I am.

We got pregnant the first time at the same time as one of my husband's cousins. It's a close family, and we were starting the new generation, so announced our pregnancies to the family together. I'd had an early scan, so thought things were ok, but by my 3 month scan, baby's heartbeat had stopped (at 11 weeks). Was devastated and hated having to tell everyone. Cousin's pregnancy went well and brought healthy baby girl.

Our second pregnancy gave us our gorgeous daughter.

I'm now pregnant again, but it's still early. Didn't want to tell anyone, but mother in law (MIL) was coming to visit and I've been feeling so ill we had to share with her. She promised she'd keep quiet.

Today, my husband gets a message from his cousin – they are pregnant again – and my MIL just told them we are too. Her words to them (she's said nothing to us): "I've been so good not telling anyone so far". Ummmmm you just told?? And to the people I'd probably least like to know right now, given our history. (It also means the wider family will know now – they're all rubbish at keeping secrets.) I'm trying not to spiral, but it just feels like it's happening all over again, with us and them pregnant at the same time, and them knowing about us while there's still a substantial risk of me miscarrying... I so wanted to keep the pregnancy protected and private, at least until we've had a scan and I've had a chance to process properly.

How would you handle this situation? Confrontation that involves showing how hurt I am, or just a quiet "you idiot, you weren't supposed to tell! haha"?

OP posts:
StrangeCondition · 13/07/2022 09:13

I'd do nothing, she's an excited grandma to be

Parpophone · 13/07/2022 09:14

She "promised to keep quiet" so ask her why she didn't and explain that you won't be sharing any future news with her as she cannot be trusted to keep her word.

Hope everything goes well for you OP.

StrangeCondition · 13/07/2022 09:14

and she can't unsay it

Rainbowqueeen · 13/07/2022 09:15

I’d get DH to have a word.

Parpophone · 13/07/2022 09:16

StrangeCondition · 13/07/2022 09:13

I'd do nothing, she's an excited grandma to be

But that doesn't give her the right to share news that she has been specifically asked not to.

StrangeCondition · 13/07/2022 09:19

Parpophone · 13/07/2022 09:16

But that doesn't give her the right to share news that she has been specifically asked not to.

Show quote history

No it doesn't but it's done now so not sure what good it would do bringing it up. OP has said the family is rubbish at keeping secrets....maybe in future don't share any?

Sceptre86 · 13/07/2022 09:19

I'd get your dh to have a face to face chat with her and say how hurt he is as her son that she betrayed his confidence knowing full well this was information that you aren't happy to share yet. If she tries to come over to yours I'd probably be 'busy' for a while and if she phones I would explain that she has upset you and you need some time.

Yes she probably is excited but that doesn't she gets to blab especially knowing you have had a miscarriage previously. She has overstepped the mark. Having said all this it really does depend on your relationship, if you see her every week and she does childcare for you perhaps you be inclined to not say anything? I think if it was me I'd at the very least say that I was upset by this.

Wishing you a healthy pregnancy op. x

Edam1 · 13/07/2022 09:21

First, congratulations! And all best wishes for a healthy pregnancy.
Second, what a shitty thing for your MIL to do. I'd be unable to avoid telling her how awful this is. Perhaps write down what you want to say first.
Good luck x

Hotinnit · 13/07/2022 09:21

Parpophone · 13/07/2022 09:14

She "promised to keep quiet" so ask her why she didn't and explain that you won't be sharing any future news with her as she cannot be trusted to keep her word.

Hope everything goes well for you OP.

Yeah ask her why? Say you're confused by the message as she had promised to keep it a secret. Tell her nothing else now. Not the sex, not if you go into labour, don't even tell her the name until you've told everyone else.

HomeAndHome · 13/07/2022 09:24

Congratulations. I'd say nothing, it might turn into a big thing and stress you out, but I wouldn't tell her anything on the future.

Discovereads · 13/07/2022 09:27

I think you have every right to be upset your MIL broke her promise to keep quiet, but I do think your past trauma is being activated as well making your emotions highly charged. It’s only natural how you feel, our human brains are wired to look for connections as a survival mechanism. So your brain is joining dots of you and cousin both being pregnant again at same time, and remembers what happened last time. So your feelings are perfectly natural and not an over-reaction is what I’m trying to say.

So I would have a word with MIL about how a promise is a promise. However, I wouldn’t bare my soul to her and explain how hurt and why you are hurt to her because it’s now a fact she is a gossip and can’t keep her big mouth shut. I’m afraid if you did go into how/why it’s hurt you so much, she’d be blabbing it to the family but in a way that paints you as an over emotional wreck (you aren’t) which will only result in her hurting you more.

So yes, confront, but do not share your feelings she cannot be trusted with them. Focus on saying that a promise is a promise and you’ve broken that trust so don’t be surprised if I don’t entrust you with information in the future. Be like Spock on Star Trek…calm and collected, sticking to facts of what she did wrong.

misskatamari · 13/07/2022 09:28

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

I'm sure many people will come on and say you're unreasonable and she's just an excited Grandma, and to get over it. Objectively, that may be so. She's excited and didn't mean to cause harm, she just doesn't understand how much her actions would hurt you. So on that note, I would try and forgive her and let resentment over this go.

However, that doesn't mean your feelings are any less valid. You have every right to be angry, hurt, scared, anxious, and all the other things you are feeling. What I would do, is sit myself down somewhere quiet, and let it all out on paper. All the anger, all the feelings do betrayal, the fear around history repeating itself. All of it. Sit with it and feel it. And let it be. You don't have to stuff this down and suck it up. But you can let it out in a way that doesn't cause further upset. If you can work through your feelings and get to a place of forgiveness that way, I think you would feel a lot more at peace with it. Write it out, then rip it up, let it go, and I think a weight will feel lifted. Give yourself self compassion. Your feelings are valid and it's okay to feel this way.

Obviously that's my two pennies worth. It's what I do for myself when I'm faced with situations like this, and it can be so freeing but might not be for you. However you tackle it though, you're not unreasonable to feel how you feel. I wish you all the best through your pregnancy ❤️

Blossomtoes · 13/07/2022 09:28

Congratulations, hope all goes well. Moral of the story is never tell anyone anything you don’t want passed on.

Mally100 · 13/07/2022 09:29

Yanbu at all but tell her was basically taking a risk.

Discovereads · 13/07/2022 09:29

*If your DH confronts on your behalf, same advice applies, you can’t trust MIL with your feelings, so don’t let him share how hurt you are.

notacooldad · 13/07/2022 09:34

I've been there many years ago.
In the scheme of things it matters not one jot to be honest as I have learned.

At the time I was upset but as I've got older most things dont matter.
If you want a secret kept you tell no one.

jonesdarcy · 13/07/2022 09:36

My mother passes on information (including pregnancy news even when I explicitly asked her not too) -we don't tell her anything we aren't happy to have shared now. It's a natural consequence of her sharing secrets.
I think at most you can say you are upset but tbh I'd just stay quiet and make sure to keep stuff to yourself in future. If she ever asks why you haven't shared something with her in the future you can cite this example. It does impact the relationship though.

Marvellousmadness · 13/07/2022 09:39

Why did you tell her if you know she is bad with keeping secrets?? Should have told her you had a bug or something and just avoided her a bit.

You did this to yourself really :(
If you want things to be kept a secret;you don't tell anyone about it

CuppaTeaAndSammich · 13/07/2022 09:41

Hotinnit · 13/07/2022 09:21

Yeah ask her why? Say you're confused by the message as she had promised to keep it a secret. Tell her nothing else now. Not the sex, not if you go into labour, don't even tell her the name until you've told everyone else.

Show quote history

Lol typical MNer response this is!

Umm.. absolutely fine to feel annoyed at MIL for this but it would be incredibly mean and dramatic to not tell the sex, about labour or name of her GRANDCHILD.

TheChildCatcher · 13/07/2022 09:41

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Essexgalttc · 13/07/2022 09:42

You are absolutely not being unreasonable and it doesn’t matter if she’s an excited grandmother or not - you do not share others pregnancy news especially as you specifically asked her to keep it a secret.

I wouldn’t have a huge go at her but I’d sit with MIL and DH and mention how hurt you are that she told others your news.

I’m currently ttc after losing twins in April and I’d be fuming if MIL shared our news of pregnancy especially at such an anxious time

What’s done is done but I’d still tell MIL how you feel. I’m not sure if it’s too late either but could also send a message to cousins to say you didn’t want them to find out like this and would prefer they didn’t say anything to others

Congratulations on your pregnancy xx

MrszClaus · 13/07/2022 09:44

Marvellousmadness · 13/07/2022 09:39

Why did you tell her if you know she is bad with keeping secrets?? Should have told her you had a bug or something and just avoided her a bit.

You did this to yourself really :(
If you want things to be kept a secret;you don't tell anyone about it

"You did this to yourself really"

Well aren't you a helpful ray of sunshine?! The OP didn't do this to herself at all, it was someone's else's actions totally out of her control. You should be able to tell an adult relative something you want to be kept private (and not even forever - just a few months!) safe in the knowledge that they will keep it private. It's the MILs fault, no one else's. She's clearly a blabbermouth!

OP, congratulations and wishing you all the best in your pregnancy. Honestly I would be very very plain about it, either your or DH can tell MIL you're disappointed she shared news she was explicitly told not to. Leave it at that (don't tell her how upset you are etc) and just don't inform her of anything in the future. When she questions why she's the last to know - you can tell her it's because you don't trust her.

Teachertotutor · 13/07/2022 09:49

I think you're within your rights to feel aggrieved, but if you really want a secret kept, don't tell anyone yourself. I suspect you're a bit cross at yourself as well to be honest. I would mention it politely, just saying, 'I'm upset that I can't trust you with my secrets in the future', then let it go. Next time you have a secret, keep it to yourself so this can't happen.

Hotinnit · 13/07/2022 09:51

CuppaTeaAndSammich · 13/07/2022 09:41

Lol typical MNer response this is!

Umm.. absolutely fine to feel annoyed at MIL for this but it would be incredibly mean and dramatic to not tell the sex, about labour or name of her GRANDCHILD.

Show quote history

Until you've told everyone else so not not telling her at all, but after she's told everyone else who is important. Seems fair enough to me.

Hotinnit · 13/07/2022 09:52

And I didn't tell my MIL when I went in for my c section, she didn't need to know and would only be messaging me getting me wound up and agitated.