Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL told pregnancy news without permission (I have history of miscarriage)

83 replies

daisyhrl · 13/07/2022 09:09

I am fuming... and trying to work out whether it's just trauma reactivated or whether I have a right to be as angry as I am.

We got pregnant the first time at the same time as one of my husband's cousins. It's a close family, and we were starting the new generation, so announced our pregnancies to the family together. I'd had an early scan, so thought things were ok, but by my 3 month scan, baby's heartbeat had stopped (at 11 weeks). Was devastated and hated having to tell everyone. Cousin's pregnancy went well and brought healthy baby girl.

Our second pregnancy gave us our gorgeous daughter.

I'm now pregnant again, but it's still early. Didn't want to tell anyone, but mother in law (MIL) was coming to visit and I've been feeling so ill we had to share with her. She promised she'd keep quiet.

Today, my husband gets a message from his cousin – they are pregnant again – and my MIL just told them we are too. Her words to them (she's said nothing to us): "I've been so good not telling anyone so far". Ummmmm you just told?? And to the people I'd probably least like to know right now, given our history. (It also means the wider family will know now – they're all rubbish at keeping secrets.) I'm trying not to spiral, but it just feels like it's happening all over again, with us and them pregnant at the same time, and them knowing about us while there's still a substantial risk of me miscarrying... I so wanted to keep the pregnancy protected and private, at least until we've had a scan and I've had a chance to process properly.

How would you handle this situation? Confrontation that involves showing how hurt I am, or just a quiet "you idiot, you weren't supposed to tell! haha"?

OP posts:
Miajk · 13/07/2022 11:44

CuppaTeaAndSammich · 13/07/2022 09:41

Lol typical MNer response this is!

Umm.. absolutely fine to feel annoyed at MIL for this but it would be incredibly mean and dramatic to not tell the sex, about labour or name of her GRANDCHILD.

Show quote history

Actually no, it's incredibly mean to take a very private thing told to you in confidence and tell other people.

Her grandchild is first and foremost OPs child. Grandma doesn't own this baby. She's not entitled to know anything, especially not if she's disrespectful towards a very simple, fully reasonable wish from the OP in regards to her own pregnancy.

Cas112 · 13/07/2022 11:54

StrangeCondition · 13/07/2022 09:13

I'd do nothing, she's an excited grandma to be

This does not make it ok

Inkyblue123 · 13/07/2022 11:57

i had the same…. She can’t unsay it but I would sit down and tell her how upset you are and that if this pregnancy is unsuccessful she can be the one to tell everyone, I would also explain to her how it can be difficult to enjoy a pregnancy with the shadow of a loss. Some people are just thoughtless and don’t get it. You have the measure of her now - tell her nothing is n future.

Original poster
daisyhrl · 13/07/2022 12:05

@HaveringWavering Yeah, true... But isn't telling her I'm hurt giving her more sensitive information, which I'd say at this point she's quite likely to share? Guess I'm thinking I should prioritise protecting myself over teaching her a lesson... But maybe that's being too pessimistic? I know I'll be avoiding telling her anything private at all costs from now on.

OP posts:
KosherDill · 13/07/2022 12:08

People can't blab what they don't know.

I would have attributed feeling poorly to something other than pregnancy in the first place.

"Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead."

Lola4321 · 13/07/2022 12:08

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

girlfriend44 · 13/07/2022 12:09

leave it now, least said soonest mended as they say but dont tell her anything again that you dont want spreading.

SarahSissions · 13/07/2022 12:10

💐
it doesn’t matter if she’s an excited grandmother to be she is an adult and therefore has some level of personal responsibility and self control.
get your DH to have a word, tell her that you told her in confidence and hadn’t wanted the information shared because of last time. And that she needs to acknowledge what she has done and promise not to do the like again in future-else she risks not being told things in future and just getting the round robin updates with everyone else.
let you Dh deal with her and try not to worry.
best of luck 🍀

LookItsMeAgain · 13/07/2022 12:12

Parpophone · 13/07/2022 09:14

She "promised to keep quiet" so ask her why she didn't and explain that you won't be sharing any future news with her as she cannot be trusted to keep her word.

Hope everything goes well for you OP.

This!

Firstly, I'm sorry to read of your previous miscarriage. That must have been very hard for you.

Next - congratulations on this pregnancy!

She did it once - slip of the tongue and a happy grandparent.
She was advised/told not to do it again - she did - stop sharing any information with her at all. Keep topics to the weather and what you watch on telly. Nothing, and I mean nothing else gets discussed with her.

You're not feeling well - you're just feeling a bit under the weather and your very busy at work/doing stuff/keep it light and no details.

Lola4321 · 13/07/2022 12:12

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ivykaty44 · 13/07/2022 12:18

How would you handle this situation? Confrontation that involves showing how hurt I am, or just a quiet "you idiot, you weren't supposed to tell! haha"?

I would say to MIL calm that you're really disappointed that she was asked to keep a secret - then told others, in future you've learnt a lesson and will not share important stuff with her

Rainbowshine · 13/07/2022 12:20

Given the updates I think I will revise how I would word it if it was me:

We clearly explained to you that we needed to keep it quiet. We told you why that was. We trusted you with our sensitive private information, and you shared it without our permission. We’re very sensitive and private around this given our history, so we are upset about you sharing our information and that you acted in this way. Please respect our confidences in future. It’s not a discussion, we don’t want to hear any excuses or reasons. We expect when we say something is private that you will not share it, and that’s what we expect from you from now on.

DangerouslyBored · 13/07/2022 12:22

StrangeCondition · 13/07/2022 09:13

I'd do nothing, she's an excited grandma to be

Typical MN useless response 🙄

Maray1967 · 13/07/2022 12:24

I would speak calmly to her that you are upset that she had broken a confidence and that you won’t be sharing anything else with her now. I agree that she needs to know that her actions have consequences.
I agree that you don’t need to say anything about your feelings other than you are upset or annoyed - whichever you prefer, especially if you think she will pass that on.

I speak with some experience here. In my case, I did refuse to share anything else and made it clear to DH that if I thought he was passing anything on I would stop telling him. He went quiet but accepted it. Maybe it’s wrong, but I felt that when things had been discussed with others without our permission we’d lost some control and after ivf failures and three mcs I couldn’t stand that sense of loss of control. I would not pass on other people’s news when asked not to - so I won’t tolerate doing so by others.

I wish you all the best with your pregnancy.

NippyWoowoo · 13/07/2022 12:31

I think it's horrible that the cousin told you. The fact that they said MIL hardly told anyone shows that they knew it was a secret.

I'd never approach someone with information that had been told to me, albeit wrongly, by someone who was sworn to secrecy. That's just shit stirring

HaveringWavering · 13/07/2022 12:32

DangerouslyBored · 13/07/2022 12:22

Typical MN useless response 🙄

Show quote history

It’s a useless response but it’s pretty much the opposite of “typical MN”! What MN are you reading? Are you getting mixed up with NetMums?

youcantparktheresir · 13/07/2022 12:45

StrangeCondition · 13/07/2022 09:13

I'd do nothing, she's an excited grandma to be

She has no given right to share the news of a pregnancy when it's not her own.

OP, I feel you and I would feel hurt too.
Tell her you won't share anything with her again. It's not her right or business to tell anyone. She probably didn't mean any malice, but you trusted her.

Get your DH to deal with it but I'd feel pissed off too

stuntbubbles · 13/07/2022 12:56

Umm.. absolutely fine to feel annoyed at MIL for this but it would be incredibly mean and dramatic to not tell the sex, about labour or name of her GRANDCHILD.
Still none of her business, particularly since she can’t be trusted. And since when is it incredibly mean and dramatic to not tell someone when you’re in labour? Surely that’s high, high up on the list of “things only my birth partner and midwife need to know about”; affects MIL not a jot not to know the exact dilation of OP’s cervix.

OP, I would have a calm word with MIL – well, get DH too – and basically never share anything with her again that you don’t mind getting out. She’s a blabbermouth. Best of luck with your pregnancy.

Cakecakecheese · 13/07/2022 13:34

When the baby is born tell her the wrong name and hope she gets a tattoo 😉

LookItsMeAgain · 13/07/2022 13:43

Cakecakecheese · 13/07/2022 13:34

When the baby is born tell her the wrong name and hope she gets a tattoo 😉

I'd actually go one better and book her in for the tattoo!!! 😆😆😆

ThirtyThreeTrees · 13/07/2022 13:43

Can you simply tell her you're really disappointed that you can't share as much with her in future.

TheChildCatcher · 13/07/2022 13:56

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Triffid1 · 13/07/2022 14:03

As a rule, I think the excessive secrecy around early pregnancy is unnecessary. Having said that, in this case, your reasons were completely sound and anyone with even a modicum empathy would understand where you were coming from.

I would not say anything to her. this is 100% on your DH to sort.

We did have a similar issue during fertility treatment with DH's brother. DH was all over it - rang his brother who had posted on social media and when brother wasn't near a computer (pre-everyone having Facebook on mobile phones) he INSISTED that user name and password be handed over so that DH could go in and delete posts himself. I've never loved him more! Grin

MintyGreenDreams · 13/07/2022 14:18

Yanbu

diddl · 13/07/2022 14:23

I can see how it might have happened on finding out that someone else is pregnant to say "Oooh, so is daisy".

That's perhaps different to deliberately telling because you don't give a stuff about what you've been asked to do.

I think I'd have to tell her that I was disappointed she hadn't kept her word.