MIL told pregnancy news without permission (I have history of miscarriage)

[daisyhrl]

I am fuming... and trying to work out whether it's just trauma reactivated or whether I have a right to be as angry as I am.

We got pregnant the first time at the same time as one of my husband's cousins. It's a close family, and we were starting the new generation, so announced our pregnancies to the family together. I'd had an early scan, so thought things were ok, but by my 3 month scan, baby's heartbeat had stopped (at 11 weeks). Was devastated and hated having to tell everyone. Cousin's pregnancy went well and brought healthy baby girl.

Our second pregnancy gave us our gorgeous daughter.

I'm now pregnant again, but it's still early. Didn't want to tell anyone, but mother in law (MIL) was coming to visit and I've been feeling so ill we had to share with her. She promised she'd keep quiet.

Today, my husband gets a message from his cousin – they are pregnant again – and my MIL just told them we are too. Her words to them (she's said nothing to us): "I've been so good not telling anyone so far". Ummmmm you just told?? And to the people I'd probably least like to know right now, given our history. (It also means the wider family will know now – they're all rubbish at keeping secrets.) I'm trying not to spiral, but it just feels like it's happening all over again, with us and them pregnant at the same time, and them knowing about us while there's still a substantial risk of me miscarrying... I so wanted to keep the pregnancy protected and private, at least until we've had a scan and I've had a chance to process properly.

How would you handle this situation? Confrontation that involves showing how hurt I am, or just a quiet "you idiot, you weren't supposed to tell! haha"?

Umm.. absolutely fine to feel annoyed at MIL for this but it would be incredibly mean and dramatic to not tell the sex, about labour or name of her GRANDCHILD.

Eh?? She's not entitled to that information just because it's her "GRANDCHILD". She's got no rights or entitlement to anything. Certainly not when she can't be trusted to keep privileged information to herself when asked.

People like you baffle me.

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a grown adult to keep something secret when asked. My mum is an 'excited grandmother to be' with her first grandchild and was perfectly capable of not telling anyone about my baby until I was happy to have the news shared.

I assume that she didn’t do it maliciously?

I might ask her why she told people when she promised to keep it a secret. I would definitely put her on the bottom of my people-to-tell list in future. As somebody else said, natural consequences. But try not to bear a grudge, she was most likely just behaving like an excited grandmother.

It's so difficult. I've chosen the sharing it with others so I might have support should I have another loss (in my situation there wasn't support) and I've chosen not sharing but also toughing out another loss without being sble to talk about it.

Really think about the emotional support you may/ may not get from mil/ others. Would it be there? Is she sharing for her own glory or is she just excited? If she'd be there for you I'd let it slide. If she wouldn't be supportive then you know you just cannot trust her with ANY health / challenging situations in the future.

Take it easy, I know pregnancy is a rollervoaster after any loss

I'd be fuming too. Especially with your history. I'd have a word and say it wasn't her place to tell other family members and say that you're upset.

Congratulations x

I hate all the messages that basically say it's op's own fault. No it's not. She told a close relative, who knows her history, and asked her specifically not to tell anyone. That relative is wrong for betraying her trust and should be told so. Yes op could have lied and said it's a stomach bug. But why should she be forced to lie, and that is a risk, after my first pregnancy everyone was assuming every off day was pregnancy. Ops mil may have guessed and spread the news anyway. Better to be upfront and ask her to keep quiet.

Op I feel for you. My Mil did the same and I was congratulated by a friend of mil on the day we were deciding if it were better to tfmr or keep the pregnancy.

Just to add to this, the "excited grandmother" narrative is so infantilising and pathetic. These are grown women, not schoolgirls itching to share their secrets. Have some respect and restraint for gods sake.

I would get DH to say ‘ouch Mum, we did ask you to keep it quiet. Daisy is very sensitive and private around this given her history. Please respect confidences in future’.

Yes fuck that with the ‘exited grandma’ stuff. If I knew my Ds and DIL had had a mc and were feeling fragile I would be concerned for them until after the 12 week scan. Really concerned, sensitive and as supportive as I could be.

It's understandable you are upset. But I guess the only way to really have avoided this was not to tell her. I guess you now know she can't be trusted with as secret .
Hope everything goes well with your pregnancy!

Your Dh needs to have a word with his mother. She basically had no self control and blabbed your private news to other people.

This with great big bells on
she has broken your trust
bollocks to the excited granny nonsense
not her place to tell anyone
id be furious

I’d edit @SuperCamp message and get your DH to say

‘ouch Mum, we did ask you to keep it quiet. We’re very sensitive and private around this given our history. Please respect our confidences in future’.

That shows a united front, and is not allocating the reason to just @daisyhrl

Ya I'd be very annoyed! And I'd let her know, or let your DH talk to her. You asked her to say nothing and she did. My family are like that it can be very frustrating.

Thanks for all the advice, everyone – has really helped to balance me out a bit!

To answer a few questions: She was staying with us for 3 days, and I think it would have been really hard to lie about what was going on... It was unfortunate timing - would have loved just to have not told her anything! I did kind of know it was risky telling her, but specifically talked to her about why I wasn't telling anyone yet, and wanted her to keep it a secret, after the first time. I thought she got the message that it was important, and therefore was going to make the effort not to tell. Lesson learnt about telling her things!

It was really useful to hear the suggestion about separating the hurt from what she did wrong (@Discovereads @misskatamari ) and basically holding her accountable for breaking a promise, but processing the real feelings on my own. Makes total sense, and is much safer than telling her how it made me feel, which, yes, will probably only get circulated and make me feel worse!

So, yep, will have a non-dramatic word with her about promises, but otherwise just try and work through these feelings alone and with DH... 😞

Yup, it's extremely patronising to assume a grown woman can't keep confidences because they are excited.

I'd have been very annoyed with her. I'd probably have asked her why she shared this when she promised not to. Hopefully she would be embarrassed and apologise.

I'd then make sure to tell her nothing else of any consequence at all until totally unavoidable.

And what? That gives her a right to be disrespectful?

You can't undo it, sadly. I would ask husband to speak to her about it. And never tell her anything again if she's unable to keep her mouth shut. This punishment will hurt.

Congratulations OP and I completely understand how you feel. DH should have a word and now you know you can’t trust her act accordingly. She’s broken your trust and should know better. Your privacy is more important than her “excitement” and desire to share gossip.

Wishing you all the best for an uneventful pregnancy!

Also, yes, I know it wasn't malicious on her part, but when someone makes it clear they want you to keep something quiet, and explains why, I'd say it's pretty big lack of respect to go back on your word...

And thank you, @rocksonrocks @SuperCamp ! She's a grown ass woman! Should definitely have learned how to prioritise maintaining trust over a bit of over-excitement by now🙄

Definitely took on a bit of a handful with marrying into DH's family! 😂😅Good job he's worth it.😁

Why the fact that it's her GRANDCHILD trump the fact that it's OPs CHILD? 🤔 Grandmas feeling are not more important than mums, nor is her excitement. She's a grown woman she should be capable of having enough respect for her own child and DIL to not go around gossiping behind their backs when she's been specifically asked not to do so.

OP congratulations and best wishes for a healthy pregnancy, I second not telling her ANYTHING else before you've shared the news with everyone you want to know. It's you and your husbands news to share not hers

I’ve seen your update but can’t say I’d go for that approach myself. To me, people who break promises like this do it on the reasoning that “ah it doesn’t really matter anyway” ie they just don’t respect or accept the reasons you give for keeping quiet. . If she thinks that the consequences for you were minimal that will give her carte blanche to ignore the reasons you give for any future requests.

She needs to hear loud and clear that her breach of promise had serious consequences for you. Only way to make her think twice next time.

Sorry, op. There's really no excuse for that. I'd tell her how upset you are with her actions and not share any news with her in future.
My mil knows about my current pregnancy and kept quiet when being quizzed by her partner's daughter whether we were having more kids or not. It's not hard to respect the wishes of your family.

My own mother blabbed about my first pregnancy even though I specifically told her not to. I’m a very private person as I’m not close to extended family so it bothered me. Ofcourse there’s a backstory here of how she can’t respect my wishes even as an adult. Anyway my next pregnancy I didn’t tell her until much later and she was shocked I didn’t tell her earlier. I just said ‘ well last time you couldn’t help yourself’ and I’ll be doing the same this time round. She doesn’t live locally so I guess it was easier to hide. But when people betray my trust I don’t give them the privilege next time.