Has anyone helped their child to be less uptight?

[itwasntmetho]

Okay not an AIBU but I really need the help of the wise ones here.
My ds is 10, he's always been a bit of a victim, has a face on him if something is challenging, expects to be rescued.
He really isn't doing well socially atm, one of the really lovely school mums was brave enough to be honest with me that her child says my ds gets other kids into trouble, makes a big deal of small things and victimises himself if play is rough in general (paraphrasing).
This is a habit/ personality trait I've been pulling ds up on since forever and I don't think he ever believed me that his friends would vote with their feet and people wouldn't always overlook it. He's getting quite lonely now in school and I'm gutted for him. How can I help him break the habit?

What do you mean ‘when play is rough?’ Some 10 year olds don’t like rough play. My daughter is 10 and wouldn’t like play being ‘rough.’ There’s nothing wrong with not wanting people to manhandle you.

If you feel he’s struggling socially can you speak to his teacher and try to suss out what’s going wrong specifically?

A lot of the boys do play fight, he isn't really really comfortable with it, but the mum said that if someone taps him or bumps into him by accident then he will be on the ground exaggerating like it was awful and get kids into trouble.
I actually spoke to his teacher last year about it because I'd seen it myself and was concerned that he wasn't resilient, but she said she hadn't noticed anything and he seems to have lots of friends (which tbf he did at that time).
He used to go to rugby and he enjoyed the training games, but when they played a game and he couldn't catch up to get the ball he would stand to the side with a face on him like he thought someone would say "oh he looks upset give him the ball".
Like a general lack of resilience with also making people feel bad, or feel responsible for his feelings IYKWIM.

Outside of these traits do you accept your son the way he is? I apologize if it isn’t true but your post doesn’t sound like it. The title of your post using the word “uptight” sounds like this might be the case too from the prospective of an outsider looking in. If this is true I’d work on your feelings first, that might transfer onto him and make him seek negative attention less.

At 10 he's old enough to understand that his behaviour has an impact on other people. If he's complaining about being lonely have you explained to him that the way he treats other children means they don't want to be around him?

Oh yeah totally, I get why you're asking because I'm focusing on the thing that makes him difficult company to other kids. That's because I can't help him by denying the thing that's putting other kids off.
Yeah he's good company to me, this crops up with other people, people who might pander to it and other kids.
I could be less blunt here, but there's no point I want to put the situation across, that's what I need advice on helping him with.

I mean it won’t be tapping or bumping if it’s resulting from play fighting will it? It will be pushing into him. Which he dislikes. Maybe encourage him to play something quieter with some kids who dislike rough play like him. Some people really dislike boisterous play. People don’t seem to bat an eye if girls dislike it, but boys are expected to be jolly about it sometimes. And realistically if someone bumps into him he isn’t ‘making them responsible for his feelings.’ They are responsible because due to their rough play they’ve bumped into him which he doesn’t like!

As for the rugby - you easily could have just said ‘oh well you didn’t get the ball, never mind’ and then praised all the good bits he did. It sounds a bit like you judge him negatively rather than supporting him to be the best him. If you have a more sensitive/less boisterous child you don’t parent them to force themselves into something else but rather to learn how to work with what they have. So rather than making him act jolly about rough play he dislikes he should be supported to find space to socialise where he is comfortable.

Yes I have, I quietly wondered if it was connected but I feel like his friends mum confirmed it tonight.
So I said that he should remember to observe the other kids and how they are with each other, they are pushy with each other too and piss takey with each other too, I said it because he has a habit of feeling victimised and I think a lot of this is boys being 10 and if he takes it as always personal his confidence will be gone.

I said that it would be useful to pause before he reacts and ask himself if it's actually bad or painful if he's received a nudge. I'm not there obviously, can I give him better tips on breaking habits? His teacher this year said he was prone to thinking if someone for example breaks rules of a game then it is a big deal, like a rigidness stops him overlooking things.
He is an only child and a lovely friend usually, I feel like friends have always been important to him, but this is putting them off.
He plays really well with my friends kids, some are younger and they are just not in that phase yet of judging or shunning each other.

The boys in his class are finding their place in the hierarchy of friends now and he's not fitting in well because of this.

I get what you're saying, but that rules out him playing with the boys in his class, that's how they play. I don't choose his friends. He is upset because the friends he knows and used to enjoy playing with he now feels are winding him up/ targeting him.

I do encourage him to enjoy playing with quieter kids, the kid of the mum I spoke to is a calmer one and then there is one girl he likes, the mum tonight said her DS likes him and spends a lot of time with him because he knows that otherwise my DS would be alone, that crushed me that the only kid he doesn't feel got at by feels sorry for him/ responsible for him.
It is a mindset thing when you feel victimised, he's shown this mindset for ever, I want to help him be more positive. If he was happy to be quiet and play alone sometimes then I'd be happy for him to do that.
As for the rugby, of course I said it doesn't matter, of course I tell him the things I like about him, I just don't feel the need to tell MN that, it longs it out and people stop reading!

I get what you're saying OP and I think you're doing the right thing by encouraging him to think about how he could help himself. We all have aspects of our character that are less good than others. Getting upset over small things and tellng tales at 10 both won't make him friends nor make him happy, so not sure why you're getting a bit of a hard time trying to help him work on this.

We definitely do, I told him tonight about when I used to have a habit of getting over excited when I has something to say and talking over people before they finished, that it came across as rude and I had to work really hard on stopping myself when I had that urge. I told him it made me a good listener and better friend.
I want to give him the tools.

I know its an MN trope to ask if chidren could be neurodivergent but this stood out for me "His teacher this year said he was prone to thinking if someone for example breaks rules of a game then it is a big deal, like a rigidness stops him overlooking things."

He is upset because the friends he knows and used to enjoy playing with he now feels are winding him up/ targeting him.

Hmm that doesn’t sound great. Like I said I’d consider speaking to the teacher - there is a possibility that rather than having a ‘victim mindset’ he’s, you know, a victim. Or at least needs extra support. Realistically at 10 years old they should know not to repeatedly involve people in rough stuff who don’t want to be involved! Maybe there is extra support he could access if you communicated these issues to the teacher.

I think you're being really pro active here which is a good thing. His behaviour is alienating all his friends in school so of course it's worth talking to him about it , I'd do some role play at home with him about what might be a better way to react to something he is not enjoying . Practice responses .
We have a family member who is similar , in particular when he starts to lose at a game. He walks away before it finishes or accuses people of gaming up on him and or cheating. His mom is working to try and make him a bit more resilient as she feels he is missing out on a lot of fun and boys in school are starting to roll their eyes a bit at him.
I think it would be naive to pretend the problem was all the other children .

I get why you ask, I feel like he's pretty NT in most other ways.

When he was little, from toddler age he was always very compliant and well behaved compared with other same aged kids, in reception/ year one he would often be stood up as the example kid you know like the teacher praises a kid so the others copy their behaviour. I think he made an identity out of being the 'good boy', he doesn't want to break that and he expects the same back from other kids.

Sometimes if say I stand my ground if I deal with a company giving bad service, or like if I complain about something and he hears, he'll say "Was that rude?" like if I say something someone else won't want to hear then it's rudeness. He calls teachers "dead strict" if they are direct or challenge kids. I often have to tell him that people having normal interactions are not being harsh on each other.
I tell him I like people like that (the 'strict' teachers) because you know what they want from you and they're not confusing.

I think I'd go back to the school and ask for some support. Is there an emotional support type member of staff who can take him aside for a few sessions to chat about things with him?

Your son sounds a bit like mine. I've just bought him a book called Way of the Warrior Kid: I can't vouch for it as it hasn't arrived yet, but it gets a lot of good reviews.

My daughter was a bit like that at primary, but she toughened up a lot(!) and at 12 is quite a "tough cookie". She rides horses as a hobby and has very tough coaches who are super hard on her (and even I'm scared of them 🙈). I think that's what toughened her up. They are the type of coaches who when you fall off say things like "Get your act together - I'm not putting up with that shit! Get back on and do it again!"

Maybe he needs someone to be a bit tough on him 🤷‍♀️

No harm in asking, but here is a mum asking what she can do so why is she not best placed to help him, rather than school? Realistically school aren't going to have anyone with any specific training in this area - so many interventions now are TAs doing their best using their common sense and professional judgment. Despite all the talk about mental health, very little guidance or training has actually been given to schools. Generally speaking supportive parents can have much more of an impact than a 10 minute intervention once a week for a few weeks.

Well the school are really better placed to see what goes on in school aren’t they? And to support him in socialising comfortably. It is actually possible that he is a victim rather than ‘playing the victim’ and they could support him (and the rest of the class) so that people aren’t involved in rough play they don’t like regularly. I mean really if I was being involved unwillingly in rough play I’d call it ‘being pushed around/hit’ not ‘play getting rough.’

Some of the language you are using about your son is very critical.

He's 10 years old, not an adult, and is probably struggling with things that don't really make sense to him yet.

You are throwing some pretty adult concepts his way, telling him to appreciate strict people etc when he has had some bad experiences and is a child. Also saying he should accept people bashing into him because it's how most of the boys in his class play and he won't fit in if he doesn't - that's horrible!

No one should be pushing him around/ being physical if he doesn't like it, that's a well trodden road to toxic masculinity.

From my perspective it sounds like he might benefit from some emotional support or seeing a counsellor at school.

I wonder if you'd get this sort of advice if he was female.

He is literally being pushed around at school when he doesn't want to be - that's not OK and it's not 'wining' if he doesn't like it.

Your Ds sounds like mine when he was younger. Maybe rugby is no longer suitable for him, have you asked him? Teamsports aren't for everyone although it's drummed into parents they should be. Perhaps a solo sport would be better? Maybe he is struggling to fit in with his class because he copes with things differently to the other boys but if so he needs your full support, lots of praise and reassurance and not micro management and focus all on what's wrong with him and how he can change. My Ds is much better now and has found his own stride with some struggles along the way but the phase

parent the child you have not the one you wish you had really helped me look at the messages I had been unwittingly giving him.

It is a mindset thing when you feel victimised, he's shown this mindset for ever, I want to help him be more positive.

If you want him to feel more positive then you have to meet him where he is, try to boost him up and give him some positivity.

Being critical and trying to mould him into something he isn't is never going to help him, it will make him feel worse.

I like the role play idea, that's a good shout.
We have that as well accusations of cheating, it's quite draining to watch him sabotage friendships that he wants to be in. 😟