Has anyone helped their child to be less uptight?

[itwasntmetho]

Okay not an AIBU but I really need the help of the wise ones here.
My ds is 10, he's always been a bit of a victim, has a face on him if something is challenging, expects to be rescued.
He really isn't doing well socially atm, one of the really lovely school mums was brave enough to be honest with me that her child says my ds gets other kids into trouble, makes a big deal of small things and victimises himself if play is rough in general (paraphrasing).
This is a habit/ personality trait I've been pulling ds up on since forever and I don't think he ever believed me that his friends would vote with their feet and people wouldn't always overlook it. He's getting quite lonely now in school and I'm gutted for him. How can I help him break the habit?

He sounds like my eldest son, who I thought was NT but who definitely wasn’t. It just wasn’t noticeable when he was younger because he liked playing with other kids but as they developed social skills and he didn’t, he lost all his friends. He’s 19 now and I’ve explained over and over that he needs to think about how he speaks to people and to imagine how he’d feel if someone spoke to him the way he speaks. I’d say he’s better than he was but he still doesn’t really get it.

But then, it’s difficult at that age because the other kids are behaving in a way that is uncomfortable to him. My son has always got on really well with adults….nice, tolerant adults anyway🙂

I just feel really sad for him, I had to cancel his birthday party this year and do a smaller activity because he kept falling out with people in the run up and it would have been so small and obvious most people had cancelled.
I put it down to him falling out with his two best friends and we acknowledged that he was between groups and he was ready for a fresh start. Then he did make some new friends and was settled and happy again, but it was so temporary.
I'm looking forward to our holiday because he always makes friends on holiday which is a boost for him, it's keeping them that's hard but you don't have that problem on a one week holiday.

I am reading all of the responses and thinking, I'm grateful for the responses.

With our DC, we encouraged interests and friendships outside of school from martial arts to meditation. It meant the school friendships became less pressured because he had reliable friends outside school; and he was better equipped to manage emotions and physical contact.

We also regularly checked in with the school to see what the dynamic was like in the classroom and the playground. We always maintained the perspective that rough play wasn't acceptable and they had a duty of care to our DC.

Going to high school made a big difference. They had zero tolerance for 'rough play'. In fact, within one month, one of the 'rough play' DCs from junior school (whose DM's attitude was similar to the DM you spoke to) was suspended and the HOY called the parents to firmly tell them their attitude and their DC's violence wouldn't be tolerated. They were fuming about it but the HOY wouldn't budge. In the next few months, about five other DCs from the primary school were also suspended for actions that would have been dismissed as 'rough play' in the junior school but were correctly labelled violence, disruption and bullying in the high school. And this was a very naice school, great reputation - but partly they had that reputation because they came down hard on behaviour issues from the very beginning.

Reading with interest because my preschool child, 4, is suffering with much the same problem, though obviously in a different way to an older child. Wants to control the game and gets upset/ whines to staff if the other children don't do exactly as DC wants them to do.

Nursery have suggested strategies but obviously aimed more at a younger child than your DS. But I think you're right that there is a difference between being victimised by your peers and subjected unwillingly to rough play (which is bullying) and wanting to join in the game (and being permitted to by the group) but then being unwilling or unable to abide by the group rules (including the unwritten ones about tolerating a certain amount of boisterousness etc.) and complaining to the teacher. It's understandable that the attitude of the group is then "well, we don't want you to play with us", even if it's hard for your DS, but no I don't think that amounts to bullying. The easier thing of course would be for your DS to spend time with friends who do play in the way he likes, but what he can't do is impose his own way of playing on other children. But that must be quite hard for him to deal with.

Can you look at him doing some more structured supervised activities, like scouts or something so he gets more interaction with other kids, but in a structured setting. Something with a bit of an age range might help? Often if it’s a nice group some of the older boys can be excellent at keeping the younger sun check (only if it is a nice group though!)

Is he an only child?

As this is something I have only really seen in children who have no siblings, or there are huge age gaps.

Yes he is.

That sounds exactly like my DS who has ASD. He wasn't diagnosed until his late teens.

An incredibly compliant toddler, always well-behaved at school, his reception class teacher said he was the most emotionally mature child she had ever taught. He was the only child she could send on errands alone and he was always the mediator if children were upset or there was a fight. I'm guessing because he had heard "the rules" from adults and rigidly stuck to them. All those toddler years when you tell children what to do/not do and explain why eg it's kind to share, we have to take turns, he's upset because he wants to play with the toy too, it would be nice to let him have a go etc

It wasn't until late primary school that he started to have some social issues, when relationships and interactions became more complex, like your DS.

The fact that he struggles to identify the difference between a complaint and being rude might be an indicator that there is more to this. Things aren't so black and white as they were when he was younger.

You've said that he is very resilient when he hurts himself. I suspect it is more a case of his feelings being hurt when he gets caught up in rough play and not knowing how to respond IYSWIM? My DS's thought processes would have been something like "I don't like this and pushing isn't nice/allowed". If he didn't want to join in with rough play, he wouldn't know how to react or extricate himself. There wasn't a simple rule to follow, and even if there were, the other kids might not follow the rules. I wonder if your DS is faking being hurt because that is a rule that "works" to stop the rough play? I'm not sure if I've explained that very well.

@itwasntmetho then I'd probably ignore the posters who are saying he might be ND.

This is typical never not been the Center of the world behaviour.

I've seen it in many only children, both when a child myself (they were the Randal's as we'd call them in secondary - after the character from Recess) and from friends who have onlys.

Everything is an offence, if something doesn't go their way to go to an adult as they're used to that 'escalation' point, they've never had to learn to deal with conflict with the children themselves, which is something you do learn growing up with a sibling.

Ooooh you'll get a panning on here saying things like that!

@MolliciousIntent I've got a thick skin on here

TBH there was a reason I asked if he was an only child, and that's because this is very common, And it makes sense, for onlys they rarely have to get on with other children as 'equals' until school.

When on play dates as a young child and something goes wrong they each have a parent there on the most part and 'escalate' to resolve the problem. Hence the running to teacher being the first response, instead of negotiating or dealing with the conflict with the kids themselves.

It's only at school when there are no ones parents around and there is a single source of 'order' that those only children who are used to escalating to adults to fix issues instead of arguing it out then show themselves up with their friends by running to teacher to report any wrongdoing.

Add in some healthy exaggeration to garner more sympathy = a pretty intolerable child to their friends.

Have you queried autism?

When my children have been whiny or sore losers etc, I have mimicked that behaviour in later situations. Please note that I DON’T mean shame/ridicule them. They should never feel bad for it as they’re just learning. It is always me that is being ridiculous trying to cheat in running races, throwing a strop because it looked like I might be losing a game, dragging my leg behind me after a slight bump, wailing that my biscuit was broken and so on. They have loved pointing out how daft I’m being and found it hilarious then coached me on a better way to handle the situation ;) I’ve found that it’s then had a positive impact on their behaviour as I think it reminds them of a better way to cope and they can see what it looks/feels like to others. Obviously, this can only happen because we’ve also had the conversations etc etc. They love being the ones that know the answers!

Just something that has worked for us and has felt lighter and more fun!

I was a nanny when he was baby/ toddler/ pre schooler. He was one of four being treated same as them.
He would come home with me in the evening while I left the other three there, all four kids would be dinnered/ bathed/ pyjamas by that point.
He is my only child though.

OP. I wouldn’t get stuck on thinking he’s fated to find things difficult because he’s an only child etc...DH is an only child and is incredible around people. I’m an only child and have also found it easy to make friends. And we have an only DD (admittedly infertility has been the reason for this but it’s not hindered our lives). The truth is no child wants a rival to share the love and affection of their parents and so it can be a beautiful thing to give your child that 1:1. What I would say is it doesn’t need to be in a strictly adult capacity. I think the best way to help him is to pretend to be a kid. Play like a kid with him, joke with him. Maybe play together like siblings and daddy can be the parent. You can pretend you’re doing something naughty and daddy has to tell you off...Or sometimes he and daddy can be like brothers and you are the parent. I think that helps only children not feel like the only kid in the house. They don’t need a sibling to play with but they do need you to emulate these things. Be a silly trio gang sometimes. And if he’s being unreasonable say in mock horror ‘why would you do that?!?!’. Make him laugh and realise he’s being unreasonable by himself. He will find his way. Good luck 😌

Yeah because it’s ridiculous 🫤 plenty of kids don’t like being ‘rough houses.’ OP would be better off simply teaching her child to say ‘no thanks’ and move away than to learn to be jolly whole being shoved about.

My daughter and her best friend are both only children and super tough (especially her friend). Her friend is one of the most resilient and popular kids I've ever met. She's incredibly independent and definitely the cool girl at school who everyone wants to be friends with. My own daughter has definitely toughened up a lot over the years and HATES "snitches" (because she's always the one who misbehaves 😂).

I wasn't an only kid and definitely a lot more sensitive than my daughter, as is my daughter's other friend who has 2 siblings.

No I haven't. It hasn't been a suggestion before today.
I'm not ruling anything out I've been advised today, there's just a lot of suggestions/ info to go through.

I wish I knew what to say. It's personality. Some of it he will grow out. My DS is pretty much the same, but just have to accept that he's happier with 1 or 2 friends and quieter activities.

When I was in year 4/5 I was shitty - I told on other kids, was a bit mean, a bit of a victim, easily led, etc. I do remember telling on others and it was because my parents were so strict I followed the rules to the death.

In year 5 my dad and mum both told me that I needed to stop telling tales as I was going to lose all my friends, as people wouldn't want to play with me. It bloody worked. I still remember it now and I changed pretty much immediately.

I've ordered that Happy Confident Me diary.

Last night I spoke to DS about the dramatics and maybe trying to remember to take a pause before he reacts. Tonight I pulled a stool forward when we were sat together and it brushed his foot, he was like "ahh" with a gasp, I said did that hurt or just you wasn't expecting it? he said he wasn't expecting it and it didn't hurt so I'm pleased he told the truth that it didn't hurt. I really think it's a reflex to do that gasp and noise.

I picked him up from the park tonight because he plays in the park with his friend on a Wednesday after school, it's part of the building him up letting him have a little independence, he was all bright and then leaving the park I asked how his day was and then started the story about how someone said ds had spat at him and it ruined his day. After probing it turns out there were some very nice parts of his day too, but they had to be probed for.

im reading all these replies with interest. I know a couple of children who struggle a bit socially and it’s due to being very black and white in their thinking. So they were very compliant toddlers who like a rule to follow. They’re coming unstuck however, as they get older and rules get bent slightly. It’s knowing which situations this is ok and when it’s not. I’m interested in whether this is just a learned thing that comes from experience or a personality thing. Or perhaps some kids just need much more guidance on these things.

He sounds like my DC who now has a dyslexia diagnosis and referral for adhd assessment. Especially the bits about getting upset by rules not being followed and rough and tumble. I think with mine it’s a bit of a vicious circle where he’s lost confidence due to the dyslexia and that makes him feel negative about everything which then affects how he interacts with other kids which then affects his confidence. We’re working on his self esteem and trying to help him be a bit more positive in general.

@Thecrystalempire I do think some of us need this sort of thing to be made explicit. When children tell tales, I sometimes throw it back to them as in a ‘what do you think needs to happen/want me to do about this?… is this something that I need to know’ (not a sarky way!) This can help them think about whether it was something that needed to be told. Sometimes they just want to share the drama but that’s not going to win them friends when problems have already been resolved. Would you like your misdemeanours bring brought up again and again to everyone?!

With the after school news, the upset might feel more ‘newsworthy’ than the duller ‘I got to sit next to Sam at lunch’ stuff. Would it help to quickly gloss over the negative stuff (exc. anything you actually need to deal with of course!) and focus your comments/questions on the positive stuff? If he’s a talker, he may start to tell you more of that if that sparks more interest. I’d also suggest telling him positive news from your day so your modelling that attitude. Hopefully he’ll start to mimic it.

*you’re