Has anyone helped their child to be less uptight?

[itwasntmetho]

Okay not an AIBU but I really need the help of the wise ones here.
My ds is 10, he's always been a bit of a victim, has a face on him if something is challenging, expects to be rescued.
He really isn't doing well socially atm, one of the really lovely school mums was brave enough to be honest with me that her child says my ds gets other kids into trouble, makes a big deal of small things and victimises himself if play is rough in general (paraphrasing).
This is a habit/ personality trait I've been pulling ds up on since forever and I don't think he ever believed me that his friends would vote with their feet and people wouldn't always overlook it. He's getting quite lonely now in school and I'm gutted for him. How can I help him break the habit?

Thanks, I'll have a look at that.

Forgot to add I hate, hate, hate the buzz word resilience banded about in primary schools like some ingredient all children should magically possess for success. Resilience can manifest in many different ways and it builds over time. Some kids just come across as more 'resilient' because that's their personality. Just pure luck and nothing to do with parenting. Others will build it through their lives and may not be as obvious.

I know its an MN trope to ask if chidren could be neurodivergent but this stood out for me "His teacher this year said he was prone to thinking if someone for example breaks rules of a game then it is a big deal, like a rigidness stops him overlooking things."

This struck me too. Particularly if he is particularly sensitive to touch. Obviously not trying to diagnose by social media - but is there any chance he could have ASD, Op?

He doesn't go to rugby anymore. He went because his friend went and he wanted to, then he didn't enjoy the main games so I spoke to the coaches and they were happy for him to just do the training and watch the games instead but he's given up now because they mostly play matches now and he was missing more than he was joining in, plus he fell out with the child who he originally wanted to go with.

I know exactly the type of child you are describing and they are their own worst enemy. I don't have any particular recommendations but books/ TV shows with friendship interactions in might be Good. For girls there are the American girl books, maybe there's something similar for Boys ?

I think a lot of this is boys being 10

He plays really well with my friends kids, some are younger and they are just not in that phase yet of judging or shunning each other.

Seems to me that the problem is this particular peer group is not a good fit for him. Rather than encouraging him to change himself, what about helping him to spend more time with people he does feel comfortable with? My daughter hated the bitchiness and gossiping of the Y5 girls in her class, so she played with younger girls and played football with the boys at breaktime, which worked well.

And accept that these kids' behaviour is tough for your son but they will one day be more mature, so maybe he just needs to find friends elsewhere and wait it out. Likewise, some of his own immature behaviour will disappear of its own accord. My daughter used to be very dramatic over small injuries. This was pointed out to her by friends and by me and she eventually learned not to behave that way as it wasn't serving her well. She was well into her teens before she learned to suffer in silence if she stubbed her toe. I do think she genuinely experienced the pain differently, so it was hard for her - this crossed my mind since her younger sister had a particularly HIGH pain threshhold and would blithely carry on playing despite injuries which would send other kids howling to their mums, so I thought: maybe DC1 is actually in more pain than other people, rather than it being a character failing or a bad habit?

High school may be better for your son as he will have a wider group of friends to choose from.

I boost him, I tell him what I love about him, I give opportunities to be independent now to counteract the confidence he is loosing in other areas, he talks to me about things that bother him and I help him work them out or reassure him if I think it's nothing he's done, we are very close actually. I have spoken to his teacher over and over this year about his friendship issues.

I don't feel the need to validate myself on here as a mother that does actually like her child because I'm asking for tips on a very specific thing, helping my child to break a habit that is holding him back.

Ah OK. Well rugby wasn't for him. Maybe he'll suggest trying something else.
My Ds dropped everything - all his sports. Between the ages of 9-11 yrs were particulary difficult. It was hard to watch but slowly, now he's feeling more confident he's picking things back up. I did loads of role play etc with him but in the end it just felt like I was trying to turn him into something he wasn't. I concentrated on our relationship and tried to build him up through family and the positive friendships he did have.

So much of what you said applies to my son as well- particularly the victim mentality and whining. I'm a natural optimist so it used to drive me mad!! I did a lot of reading online about how to build resilience in kids and one thing that came up again and again was to do a mindfulness type journal.

I was really sceptical but got one on Amazon called Happy Confident Me and we did that every day for about 6 months. It really helped! It makes them record good things only and eventually he automatically reframed things in his own head.

I also explained to him about optimism and pessimism and the power of positive thinking and joked with him a lot when he was whining over complete non issues. I also used a lot of praise and took him seriously/ showed empathy when it was something worth moaning about. He's become a lot better, but we are still working on it.

My son also fell over at the merest touch / complained about rough play when it was just normal play etc. To the point I wondered if he had dyspraxia (he hasn't), I realised it was a learned behaviour. I made him do yoga as I said it's not usual to fall over that much and he needed to improve his balance. He hated it and actually just stopped falling over to avoid me making him do it. 😂

I'm hoping this too about the wider friend group thing.

If something happens like a tap or something (and literally a tap) my son will gasp and hold the area and say Ouww, whilst looking at the person who did it like he's scolding them, if he hurts himself in some way he carries on. This weekend we went to the beach with my friend and her son, my son cut his finger on a rock and then wanted to carry on body boarding, no way would I be going back into salty water with a cut but he did.

I think from the rugby example it's fine to tell him that walking around looking sad isn't a good way to get the ball you need to get involved and look like to want to play. Or just don't play.
Same in the playground, that technique doesn't draw interest from other kids because they are busy playing. Basically don't go around looking like a sad sack because it just makes you feel more sad and other kids won't pick up on it and help. At the same time come up with a plan with what he should do when he feels that way to get him to re-focus. Either ask a teacher for help or find another activity or friend to join in with.
His behaviour isn't wrong but it isn't helping him and secondary school isn't far off.

I wouldn't be a child again, it is so hard finding out who you are and where you fit in. School is one endless pressure where you are expected to be at your best all day every day. I would talk to school and see if they can help and take step back at home and listen to him, add a different perspective if needed but do more of the listening. It is confusing when we bring children up to follow rules but then expect them to know the complicated business of turning a blind eye or putting things in context. I presume he will move to a more senior school soon where he might find his own tribe.

Yeah, I don't make a fuss if he wants to drop something, I remember not being allowed to stop Brownies long after I hated it and it just made me not want to try new things incase I was locked in because I'd been a few times!

I let him do any hobby he wants to and I let him stop when he doesn't want to. These things are supposed to be fun first.

Thanks, a lot I can work with there. Especially recording the positive things. 😊

How about a martial art? I don't know anything about them but they are about safe touching and resilience aren't they? Might give him confidence to have his 'own' alternative to rough play.

I totally understand you OP and i think you're right to see how you can support him.

He sounds quite like my nephew but unfortunately his parents aren't doing anything to help.

At 10 I do think he should be able to see things from other people's point of view. My 10 year old has SN and can be quite rigid in rules but above all if he sees something as unfair.

I have had many chats with him about seeing things from other people's point of view. And how people's perception of his actions isn't necessarily the same as what he intends, but that you can't control their perceptions.

One thing that worked was taking a concrete example where he thought he was the victim. And changing his place in the story.

So, he was playing table tennis with A and B for 45 minutes. C said shall we go and play tig. A and B said yes and asked DS to come. DS didn't want to play tig so refused. They went anyway.

The result? DS had a massive strop about how his friends didn't like him and didn't want to play with him. By changing his role in the story he finally understood that from A, B and C's point of view, it was DS not wanting to play with them rather than the other way around.

My DC has ASD but managed to make it until secondary school. I suspected it on and off all his life and everyone said no, it's not that, it's just who they ARE personality wise.

But what you describe sounds very ASD. Strict adherence to rules, not appreciating being jostled, finding it hard to 'read' other peoples' behaviours and needing to check if something is rude... he sounds high functioning ASD.

Managed to MASK it, not make it to secondary school!

I think there have been some really good suggestions so far in this thread. Hitting secondary school with the tools already in place to make and keep friends is so valuable.

One thing I would add is to look into parenting classes locally. My council run them in conjunction with schools. You'll get lots of information and support, but I found them just as valuable to hear from a wide variety of other parents. I've done a couple aimed at parents of teens which @itwasntmetho isn't far off.

I think I would approach this sideways. I think sometimes 'coaching' people through situations can make it worse because it's never the same situation twice and then the kids is second guessing themselves and feeling like they can't do anything in case it's wrong.

In your case I think I'd be wondering where the whiny/blamey behaviour comes from and bearing in mind what you have said (and of course it isn't much because it's just a description on a Mumsnet thread) it sounds like he needs to learn how to be more assertive about what he wants generally. He went back surfing with a cut finger because he wanted to surf. If he doesn't want to play rugby he needs not to, or if he doesn't enjoy rough play he needs to say so clearly when it happens (or take himself away). It's OK to have needs and wants but if you can't express them you do tend to resort to the sort of passive aggressive behaviour you're talking about.

Yeah I always find other mums have the most useful input, especially when they have been challenged.

I appreciate this might not be a standalone solution, but if you're going down the route of extra curricular activities to broaden his perspective etc I would seriously consider martial arts.

My friend was horrifically bullied until he did a summer at karate camp and the bullies never came near him again. Not because they knew (they didn't) but because taking up that sport completely transformed him. He held himself differently, and had this quiet confidence about him that he'd never had before. I know it's not the same as your son's situation but I can see a parallel because martial arts are very good for instilling a sense of resilience and self discipline that could be really helpful to him. He may also be less concerned about rough play if he knows he has the skills to safely protect himself (without "fighting") should the need ever arise. Worth a free trial lesson at least to see if he takes to it?

Oh yeah my ds definitely needs to be more assertive and direct with it not hoping someone will guess.

That's something I could work on.

OP I think you are totally right to try to help your son overcome some of these behaviours. Its all well and good people telling you that you need to accept your son the way he is but the reality is that the world wont accept them and he will have a much easier life if the behaviours are managed.

My nephew sounds very like your DS. His mother and GM highly value polite well mannered children and hate any type of roughhousing. He was always rewarded for being quiet and polite and taught that adults prefer that type of child. Whenever he hurt himself as a child he was mollycoddled and was taught to avoid danger. He is 16 now and is a lovely boy but he struggled with friendships as he always wanted things done correctly, hates rule breakers and never liked any contact sport (or any sport really). It definitely affected him and more so in secondary school. He would happily tell on other students and was openly shocked and critical if they did something he considered wrong.
His social skills are not great. He is ok around adults when he gets to know them but struggles to make friends and put himself out there.

I do think an ability to deal with roughhousing is a good skill for boys. Most boys roughhouse and while your son may not like it (and thats fine), he needs to learn not to overreact to it when it happens (obviously I mean genuine play fighting and not something that is designed to hurt or intimidate him under the guise of play).
Would his dad work on this with him, my kids (including my 14 year old DD) love wrestling their dad, maybe something like play arm wrestles or thumb wars to start off, just something physical to get him used to the contact.

I would also speak to the school, they are the ones that oversee most of his interactions with his peers and may have a better insight into what is going on and suggestions to help.

Good luck

I really disagree about training boys to roughhouse if they don't like it. If boys want to play like that then fine but it's an early lesson in consent isn't it. 1. You shouldn't have to play like that if you don't want to. 2.You shouldn't assume others want to play like that. 3.You should stop if they tell you to. 4.You shouldn't go along with the crowd if they are doing something to someone else you're not comfortable with (eg insisting on rough play).

Life lessons for boys.